

) 



Class \% 

Book_ 



(Vvv 

_ 



COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT* 







/ 








f 

































EVERYBODY’S 

COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 


BY 

ELLIN CRAVEN LEARNED 

(Mrs. Frank Learned) / 

Author of 

‘The Etiquette of New York Today,” “Good Manners for 
Boys and Girls,” "Ideals for Girls,” Etc. 



“Good manners are the natural expression of an in¬ 
ward orderliness, a traditional respect for beauty.” 


NEW YORK 

FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY 

MCMXXIII 










Copyright, 1923, by 
Frederick A. Stokes Company 

All rights reserved 


• ► 


Printed in the United States of America 


OCT 15 *23 

n 


© Cl A7 60357 



CONTENTS 


CHAPTER PAGE 

I. The Value of Good Manners ... i 

II. Concerning Introductions .... 6 

III. Salutations.16 

IV. In Public.24 

V. Talk and Talkers.33 

VI. Good Form and the Reverse in Speech 39 

VII. Cards and Visits.45 

VIII. Notes and Letters.60 

IX. Invitations and Answers .... 71 

X. Luncheons.83 

XI. Teas.95 

XII. Card Parties, Theatre Parties and 

Musicals.104 

XIII. Garden Parties and Other Outdoor 

Festivals .109 

XIV. Manners at the Table.114 

XV. Appointments of the Table . . . 124 

XVI. Dinners, Formal and Informal . . 130 

XVII. The Serving of a Dinner .... 138 

XVIII. Dances and Balls.145 

XIX. The Debutante and Other Girls . . 157 

XX. Marriage Engagements.163 


v 











VI 


CONTENTS 


CHAPTER PAGE 

XXL Wedding Preparations. 170 

XXII. Other Preparations for a Wedding . 182 

XXIII. Tradition and Sentiment . . . . 190 

XXIV. Weddings. 194 

XXV. House Weddings. 206 

XXVI. Wedding Invitations and Announce¬ 
ments . 211 

XXVII. Christenings. 223 

XXVIII. Hospitality in a Country House . . 228 

XXIX. Country House Guests .... 241 

XXX. The Manners of a Gentleman . . 251 

XXXI. A Host's Duties on Various Occa¬ 
sions . 257 

XXXII. Men’s Clothes. 264 

XXXIII. Traveling . 270 

XXXIV. Titles, Applied Colloquially and in 

Correspondence. 284 

XXXV. Dress. 292 

XXXVI. Every-Day Life at Home .... 303 

XXXVII. The Employees in a Household . . 308 

XXXVIII. Club Etiquette . 321 

XXXIX. Funeral Observances. 327 

XL. Mourning Customs . 336 

XLI. Sports and Games. 343 

XLII. For Those in Small Towns . . . 347 

XLIII. For Those Who Are Shy .... 351 











CONTENTS 


Vll 


GOOD MANNERS FOR BOYS AND GIRTS 


I. Early Training in Manners . . . 357 

II. Manners at the Table .... 363 

III. Some Essentials in Conduct . . . 370 

IV. Habits of Speech. 373 

V. Amusements and Companions . . 378 

VI. Notes.382 

VII. Invitations and Answers .... 386 

VIII. Hospitalities .3 9 x 

IX. Girls’ Manners.396 

X. Grace in Movement.400 

XI. When Visiting Friends.403 

XII. In Public .406 

XIII. Personal Appearance.411 

XIV. Simplicity.414 

XV. Every-Day Life at Home . . . .417 

Index.423 



















EVERYBODY’S 
COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 





EVERYBODY’S 
COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 


CHAPTER I 


THE VALUE OF GOOD MANNERS 

For its ethical value and for the promotion of 
harmonious relations with others, the art of good man¬ 
ners needs to be practised. To love the principle of 
beauty; to make the inner life beautiful, thoughtful 
and kind; to develop the faculty of observation, and 
to see truth, beauty and goodness, this is a part of true 
education. “Beauty is not only the beauty of things 
heard and seen, but it may dwell deep in the mind and 
soul.” If we have this vision it will bring into ordinary 
life much grace and courtesy. 

Philosophers, moralists, famous divines, statesmen, 
jurists and poets, from time immemorial, have coun¬ 
seled the practice of courtesy. Influential men of the 
present day are urging the training in manners as a 
necessary part of education. The distinguished presi¬ 
dent of one of our great universities writes on the 
subject: “Manners have a moral significance and find 
their basis in that true and deep self-respect which is 
built upon respect for others. The manners of a truly 
educated man or woman are the outward expression of 



2 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 


intellectual and moral conviction.” And he adds a very 
hopeful word of encouragement for those who deplore 
the decadence of manners: “The history of civiliza¬ 
tion, and particularly the history of education, offers 
abundant illustrations of ups and downs. There is 
progress for a time and then there is reaction; but so 
far as human power can see, the general movement has 
been and still is a forward one.” 

The easy tolerance and familiarity in modern man¬ 
ners, the craving for excitement which is a feature 
of life to-day—all this has caused deterioration in 
conduct and has disturbed the amenities. Lax and 
inconsiderate ways are not the ways of people of 
good-breeding, and in the long run, manners of the sort 
do not bring happiness or success. 

The cultivation of manners is a means of worldly 
advancement and of good standing socially, but, if 
looked at merely from this point of view, manners are 
undervalued. If pleasing ways are acquired from 
policy, and because, as some persons say, “It pays to 
be polite,” this is a very low standard. Superficiality 
and insincerity are easily detected. They are marks of 
egotism and selfishness. The truly well-bred, well- 
trained person could not be guilty of sham, affectation 
or pretense. It has been wisely said that, “Americans 
have capability for polish, but they must not mistake 
varnish for polish.” Real graciousness is a virtue 
exercised, not a virtue assumed. It has its root in 
true Christian kindness, which is the foundation of 
manners. 

Confusion exists to-day in moral standards. Self- 
expression, as it is called, puts self-pleasing above con- 


VALUE OF GOOD MANNERS 3 

siderations of right-doing and right-thinking. A little 
clear reflection will show that this is a false principle. 
Manners and morals are very closely allied. The 
fundamentals in good behavior include the virtues of 
self-respect, unselfishness, and perfect consideration for 
the rights and feelings of others. The well-educated 
person is so habitually ethical in thought and action 
that these things are understood, and are shown in 
manners. The heart is educated and the character is 
built up. 

In manners as in morals there is what may be termed 
a danger-point of departure, a relaxing of standards, 
so slight as to be hardly realized at first. Then there is 
further relaxing. 

If we find ourselves a little more indifferent to right¬ 
doing and right-thinking we need to be on our guard. 

Civilization and social life have evolved a code of 
manners through the centuries. The preservation 
of harmony is the aim of the laws of society. Like the 
laws of the universe they prevent a return to chaos. 
Certain ways which are agreeable and dignified, or 
appropriate to an occasion, have become the usages 
of society, the object being to prevent everything that is 
unpleasant and to add beauty to the affairs of life. 
Command of temper, considerate feelings, a good 
education are indispensable. Accomplishments are 
advantages but are not absolutely essential. Wealth 
may win its way, if carefully handled, otherwise it may 
be objectionable. Much common sense is needed in the 
handling of it. The best definition of good society is 
the meeting on a footing of equality of men and women 
of good-breeding, character and cultivation. 


4 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

A knowledge of etiquette is a knowledge of the cus¬ 
toms of society at its best. There is always a right way 
of doing everything. Early training is an advantage, 
but much may be done to gain familiarity with customs 
and to learn to have self-command, poise and ease. 
The true meaning of etiquette cannot be described in a 
word from a dictionary. It includes the whole range 
of good manners. The word has come into disrepute 
because many attach a narrow meaning to it, and 
regard its rules as shackles to be cast off. They fail 
to see that the word, “etiquette,” must be understood 
from a moral as well as a conventional point. Those 
who are self-assertive, pushful, overbearing, arrogant, 
or ostentatious proclaim their ignorance of the true 
value of the word. They may prefer to force their 
way through the world, and push others aside, yet 
often they want to be liked and wonder how they have 
lost the clue to the secret. Their attributes are not 
those of the well-bred. Attractive persons are invari¬ 
ably courteous, gracious, unself-conscious, generous- 
minded, and they have the charm of teachableness and 
capacity for development. These are marks of charac¬ 
ter. Simplicity of nature is one of the best possessions, 
but it is a quality very difficult for people of complex 
natures to understand. Simple natures, words and 
manners are neither crude, stupid, nor foolish, but 
quite the opposite. 

Bad manners are a “lack of that fine vision which 
sees little things, a want of that delicate touch 
which handles them and of that fine sympathy w r hich 
a superior moral organization bestows.” 


VALUE OF GOOD MANNERS 


5 


Good manners have been well defined by a late Arch¬ 
bishop of Canterbury, who wrote that they give “the 
last grace and finish to conduct. They are, when per¬ 
fect, the visible flower and bloom of inward excellence, 
which has so taken possession of the man as to pervade 
his whole being and color the minutest details of life. 
They sweeten social intercourse and contribute to 
human happiness beyond all proportion to the self- 
discipline which they cost. The true man will remem¬ 
ber every moment of his life the Scriptural precept, 
‘Be courteous.’ ” 

Manners have a transient and a permanent side. 
The transient may be described as being courteous 
from policy. This external habit may fail as often as 
it seems safe to drop it; but when we are courteous 
from a conviction that kindness is the law of life in 
conduct, and when we love courtesy for its inherent 
beauty, our manners then have a permanent value and 
belong to our character. 


CHAPTER II 


CONCERNING INTRODUCTIONS 

The simplest form of an introduction is always best. 
The terms “present” and “presentation” apply to 
Court functions and not to introductions in ordinary 
social life, therefore one does not say, usually, “I wish 
to present,” although this form is chosen sometimes. 

In a formal introduction to the President of the 
United States, or to a Cardinal, the word “present” 
is used correctly. The only occasions when a lady is 
“presented” to a man are when the introduction is to 
personages of the rank mentioned, and to a king. 

In an introduction to the President of the United 
States the form is, “Mr. President, I have the honor 
to present Mrs. Blanke.” An introduction to a Cardi¬ 
nal would be, “Your Eminence, may I present Mrs. 
Blanke?” or, “Your Eminence, I have the honor to 
present Mrs. Blanke.” 

When a person is presented at Court there is much 
formality in advance of the presentation, which is 
strictly an official observance. At the actual moment 
the name is repeated from a functionary to an equerry 
and the name is stated without any other word—“Mrs. 
Blanke.” The lady who is presented makes a deep 
curtsey to the King and one to the Queen and steps 
backwards. 

Introductions in the every-day life of society follow 

6 


CONCERNING INTRODUCTIONS 7 

the rule that a man is introduced to a lady. This is 
correct, even for a distinguished man, or a man whose 
age would seem to entitle him to having a very young 
girl introduced to him, and an exception to the rule 
may be when a mother is introducing a young girl. She 
may say, “General Pershing—my daughter, Louise.” 

The customary form, however, is to address a lady 
first in an introduction, “Mrs. White, may I introduce 
Mr. Brown?” 

Names should be enunciated clearly. A man’s title 
is mentioned distinctly, “General Wood,” “Admiral 
Battle,” the “Reverend Mr. Wilson.” A clergyman 
who has the degree D.D., is the “Reverend Doctor 
Goode.” A bishop is “Bishop Manning.” A mon¬ 
signor is “Monsignor Lavelle.” An archbishop is 
“The Reverend, the Archbishop,” a priest is “Father 
Fitzgerald.” 

The Vice-President of the United States is “The 
Vice-President.” When out of office a president or 
vice-president is simply, “Mr.,” not “ex-President,” or 
“ex-Vice-President.” 

An American ambassador in any foreign country is 
introduced as “The American Ambassador.” 

A senator is always given his title in an introduction. 

A member of Congress is simply, “Mr. -.” 

A member of the Cabinet is “The Secretary of the 
Navy,” or the title indicating his office. 

A justice, or judge, is “Justice So-and-So,” or “Judge 
Fair.” 

In his own State a governor is “Governor M.,” out¬ 
side of his State, “The Governor of New York.” The 
rule for a mayor is the same, his name being mentioned 



8 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

in his own city, but elsewhere as “The Mayor of 
Boston.” 

A duke is introduced in the usual form, “Mrs. Jones, 
may I present the Duke of Blankshire?” An earl is 
“Lord Sunningdale,” not “the Earl of Sunningdale,” 
and an “Honorable” is never called by this mere cour¬ 
tesy title, “the Honorable Mr. Fane,” but simply “Mr. 
Fane.” 

When introducing two women the younger is intro¬ 
duced to the elder. If they are nearly of an age no 
distinction is made. Young girls are introduced to 
married women, young married women to older 
matrons. 

A brief form frequently used is simply the mention 
of names: “Mrs. Gray, Mrs. Brown.” The mere 
inflection of the voice distinguishes the older or more 
important person, the rising note is almost like an 
inquiry on Mrs. Gray’s name, and a falling inflection 
is on Mrs. Brown’s name, but it is well not to make 
invidious distinctions. 

A mother introduces a son or daughter, a wife her 
husband, and a husband introduces someone to his wife, 
without formality. A mother may say, “Mrs. Jones, 
this is my son, Howard,” or “This is my daughter, 
Mary.” If the daughter is married she should say, 
“Mrs. Jones, this is my daughter, Mrs. Young.” 
When introducing one’s husband one may say, “Mrs. 
Jones, I want to introduce my husband.” A man 
w T ould say to his wife, “Mary, let me introduce Mr. 
Robinson.” If he is introducing a friend from a dis¬ 
tant place, he might say, most intimately, and especially 
if they are all young people, “This is Gerald Robin- 



CONCERNING INTRODUCTIONS 


9 

son,” and the lady would say, “I have heard my 
husband speak of you often.” 

A young man introduces a friend to his mother by 
saying, “Mother, this is Arthur Dash,” but if there is 
not sufficient intimacy between the young men, or if he 
is introducing a man much older than himself, he would 
say, “Mother, may I introduce Mr. Dash?” 

Incorrect expressions are, “I want to make you 
acquainted with,” or, “Miss A., meet Mr. B.” 

A response to an introduction is the very trite 
expression, “How do you do?” It is correct and it 
serves for the moment. Well-bred people never say, 
“I am pleased to meet you.” If a man is introduced to 
a lady whom he has wished to know he may say, “I am 
so glad to meet you at last.” 

The opening of a conversation after an introduction 
may depend on what one person may have heard of 
another from a friend. The lady takes the initiative, 
usually, but an elderly man, or a very distinguished 
man, is supposed to make the first remark. But this 
rule may fail. An incident is told by Arthur Benson 
of a noted man, an admirable talker, who was intro¬ 
duced to a young girl who had longed to know him. 
Unfortunately, the hostess who was going to introduce 
him, told him of the admiration of the girl. Then 
she led him to her. The world became a blank to him. 
The enthusiastic maiden stared and waited for him to 
speak. An appalling silence continued. He rejected 
each remark that came to his mind. Finally, the 
hostess saw that things had gone wrong and separated 
the pair. The experience was confided to a friend 
by the man, with the amusing information that he had 


f 


IO EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 


invented a remark which would be suitable under any 
circumstances, but he refused to divulge his secret, and 
it has perished with him. 

A hostess has privileges about introducing her guests, 
as she is not supposed to assemble together those who 
are averse to meeting each other, yet on this point 
discretion is needed. A guest can never decline an 
introduction proposed by a hostess, and, in fact, a 
hostess need not consult a guest in this matter; yet 
a hostess needs to be sure of her ground and to have a 
knowledge of conditions in general society, because 
there is an established rule among well-bred people 
that if introduced to an enemy it is not allowable to 
show one’s hostess that a mistake has been made. 

A hostess has the privilege of introducing young men 
to young girls at any reception, tea, dance or other 
entertainment at her own house, without asking per¬ 
mission of the latter, and her object would be to give 
pleasure to the young people. 

At a private dance very slight ceremony is observed 
among young people; the girls introduce men to other 
girls and the young men make their friends known to 
their partners quite freely. 

It occurs frequently that a semi-formal introduction 
is made. Two ladies may be calling at the same time 
and the hostess may say: “Mrs. Brown, do you know 
Mrs. Dash?’’ If a hostess fails to introduce visitors 
who are talking with her they should join in general 
conversation. This need not involve further acquaint¬ 
ance unless it is desired. 

If pouring tea at a friend’s house a lady does not rise 
when another is introduced to her but would offer her 




CONCERNING INTRODUCTIONS n 


a cup of tea and ask her to sit near, but, if there should 
not be a chair close at hand, she might rise and draw 
one near for the newcomer. 

If one is making a visit and talking with the hostess 
and others, and another visitor enters, the hostess rises 
to greet her guest, and if she sees that the new arrival 
does not know any of the group she introduces her. It 
would be awkward for all to rise to greet her. They 
merely bow and the hostess seats the guest and herself 
and all join in general conversation. If a man is pres¬ 
ent he must rise while his hostess is standing and she 
may introduce him to the new arrival. If a lady is 
alone with her hostess and another lady enters, she 
rises when her hostess goes forward to greet the new¬ 
comer and the hostess introduces the two visitors. 

A visitor should not be introduced to someone who 
is just leaving, nor should a hostess ever make the mis¬ 
take of leading anyone about a room and introducing 
her to as many people as possible, nor should anyone 
be introduced to two people who are talking together 
earnestly. 

A lady does not rise when, a man is introduced to her, 
unless she is in her own house, that is to say, when her 
husband brings a friend, or when a man is brought 
there by permission by a friend. She would rise and 
shake hands and say, “I am very glad to see you.” 

Ladies seldom shake hands with men who are intro¬ 
duced to them, but there are exceptions. A mother 
would shake hands with a young man introduced by her 
son or daughter; a wife would shake hands with a man 
introduced by her husband. Women usually shake 
hands when introduced to each other by a friend. 


12 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 


The necessity for making introductions and the pro¬ 
priety of not doing so must be decided often by tact 
and judgment. The general rule is that introductions 
are not to be made indiscriminately. There should be 
some knowledge that an introduction will be agreeable 
to the persons concerned, and if a doubt exists it is 
correct to consult the wishes of both. This, of course, 
applies to an introduction which is premeditated. 

Men are supposed to be at liberty to speak to each 
other without the formality of introductions. When 
they are introduced they always shake hands. 

Collective introductions are to be avoided, but, now 
and then, it is necessary to introduce someone to a 
group. It may be at a country club when a lady is 
accompanied by a guest who is a stranger, and she may 
say to a friend standing nearest, “Mrs. Dash, have you 
met Mrs. Brown?” and then mention the names of 
others in the group, but not keep on repeating the name 
of the visiting stranger. 

In general society the custom is to consider that 
those under one’s roof do not need to be introduced at 
informal gatherings, but this interpretation of hospi¬ 
tality does not include formal affairs, balls, wedding 
receptions, or large entertainments of any description. 

A hostess always introduces guests at a house party, 
or whenever there may be a few friends at a small 
luncheon, or dinner, or at bridge, or when friends come 
in for tea at five o’clock. 

At a large dinner it is not the custom for the host or 
hostess to make any introductions in a general way, but 
before dinner the host introduces to a lady the man 
who is to take her to dinner. At a small dinner a host 


CONCERNING INTRODUCTIONS 13 

or hostess introduces guests who are strangers to each 
other, if there is time to do so before dinner is an¬ 
nounced, but they must not introduce persons when 
seated at the table. People who are next to each other 
always talk whether they have been introduced or not. 
Each can see the card of the other or a man may men¬ 
tion his name to a lady, “I am Edward Jones,” or a 
lady may be the first to speak, “I am Mrs. Smith Rob¬ 
ertson.” A gentleman never says, “I am Mr. Edward 
Jones.” 

If a dinner or any other entertainment is given in 
honor of a friend or a debutante, or of a distinguished 
person, introductions are made as guests arrive, or if 
this is not possible, introductions may be made after 
dinner. A guest should never fail to be introduced to 
a guest of honor. 

In the street, or when shopping, when a lady may be 
accompanied by a friend who is a stranger to someone 
she meets and they stop to talk, it is not necessary to 
make an introduction unless a prolonged talk follows. 

A gentleman does not bring another man to the 
house of a friend to be introduced unless he has asked 
permission of the hostess to do so. He should then 
introduce him to the hostess and to any members of the 
family who may be present on his arrival, but if others 
enter later this duty devolves on the hostess. 

The giving of a letter of introduction is a very deli¬ 
cate matter. The withholding of it may be a discreet 
decision. It is obvious that a letter of the sort is given 
only when a person is to visit a city where the writer 
has intimate friends, and it is not given unless there is 
reason to feel sure that the acquaintance will be accept- 


14 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

able to the relative or friend to whom the letter is 
written. It should not be given unless the person intro¬ 
duced can be thoroughly vouched for. A letter of this 
description is seldom asked for. A discreet person 
would wait to have it offered. No one has the right to 
tax a friend with social tasks or hospitalities, there¬ 
fore one must weigh the matter seriously in one’s mind 
before offering the letter. If the decision is arrived at 
to make the introduction the note is brief and confined 
exclusively to the subject. It is wise to send a private 
letter which will be received before the time the person 
is to arrive. This may give more explicitly the reason 
for the introduction and include a mention of the 
friend’s tastes and characteristics, and thus serve as a 
guide to more intimate knowledge. 

A letter of introduction is unsealed when given to 
anyone. When the lady holding it arrives at her 
destination, the letter of introduction is enclosed in 
another envelope with her visiting card bearing the 
transient address and is sent by post. The lady to 
whom it is addressed is required to call on the visiting 
stranger and afterwards invite her to dine or show her 
some hospitality. The call should be returned within 
a week and a call made after receiving any invitation. 
It must be remembered that an obligation devolves on 
the person who is thus introduced to write a kind note 
some weeks later to the friend who made the introduc¬ 
tion. Another point is that courtesy must be shown to 
those who have offered hospitality when they may come 
to one’s own town. 

If a letter of introduction is given by a man to a man 
the same formalities are observed as between women. 


CONCERNING INTRODUCTIONS 


i5 

The recipient of the letter may invite the stranger to 
dine at his house, or, if that is not convenient, at his 
club, or a hotel. If he chooses he may give him the 
freedom of his club during the time that the privilege 
is permitted. 

A letter or card of introduction, which is merely for 
a business purpose, may be delivered in person with 
one’s card, but this is not allowable in social matters. 


CHAPTER III 


SALUTATIONS 

Many of the ordinary acts of courtesy have in them 
the history of manners. The very word, salutation, 
derived from the Latin, salutatio, indicates the daily 
homage paid by a Roman to his patron. In ancient 
times the strong ruled and the inferior demonstrated 
his allegiance by studied attention. A bow is a modi¬ 
fied prostration, a curtsey is a genuflection, rising and 
standing are acts of homage. 

To-day the salutation is said to be the touchstone of 
good breeding. 

A bow is made instinctively, as soon as one meets the 
eye of an acquaintance, either on the street, or in a 
room. When bowing the head is inclined very slightly. 
Even when recognizing an intimate friend it is not cor¬ 
rect to accompany a bow with a broad smile. There 
may be a “smile in the eyes,” a look which lightens 
the countenance and expresses good-will. The capri¬ 
cious person, who bows pleasantly one day and dis¬ 
tantly the next, is a trying acquaintance. No doubt 
there are some persons who seem to bow coldly when 
they have no intention of being indifferent. Near¬ 
sighted persons must have allowances made for them 
on this score. Others may be absent-minded, diffident, 
or awkward in manner. It is well to be lenient and 


SALUTATIONS 


17 

charitable, slow to take offence, remembering that they 
may not be aware of their peculiarities. 

According to circumstances of various sorts a bow is 
slight, friendly, familiar, cordial, or deferential. An 
abrupt bow is rude; an effusive manner and a low bow 
are worse. The correct salutation is between these 
extremes. 

A well-bred person is courteous to all sorts and con¬ 
ditions of people, not giving a cordial bow to someone 
who may be considered of importance, and then recog¬ 
nizing another who may be inferior in the social scale, 
with a careless nod, or a mere elevation of the eye¬ 
brows. In all public places a lady gives a kindly 
glance and a bow to those who serve her in any 
capacity, as employees in her house, or in shops, or 
elsewhere. 

One of the first rules in regard to bowing is that a 
man must wait for a lady to recognize him, although, 
between friends, the act of bowing is almost simul¬ 
taneous. An introduction entitles everyone to a bow, 
but it is a woman’s privilege to take the initiative. A 
formal or distant bow may be given to an acquaintance 
who is unwelcome. A direct “cut” is never given unless 
for very grave reasons. Even when the claim which an 
introduction imposes has been forfeited the better way 
is to bow coldly, or look downward when passing. 

When returning a lady’s bow a man lifts his hat and 
replaces it quickly. He does not hold it off at arm’s 
length, but lifts it, not too far from his head. If he has 
a cigar he removes it quickly before bowing. If he 
knows a woman well enough to join her and he wishes 
to speak to her he throws away his cigar and turns and 


18 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

walks beside her in the direction in which she is going. 
It is not obligatory for him to accompany her to her 
destination, but she should not stand in the street to 
talk to him. They part without stopping, the man 
raising his hat when leaving her. If he walks with her 
to her house he should wait until she is admitted before 
leaving her. 

If he thinks that she will shake hands with him at 
parting he must raise his hat with his left hand, in 
order to have the right hand in readiness for this small 
ceremony. If he has a stick he places it quickly in his 
left hand, while with his right hand he takes off his hat, 
places it in his left hand and gives his right hand 
to her. 

When meeting or leaving a lady, or when he passes 
her on a stairway or in the corridor of a theatre, or 
when he offers any small courtesy in a public convey¬ 
ance, he raises his hat. He removes his hat in a hotel 
or an apartment elevator when a lady enters. In 
the elevators of large business buildings this rule does 
not seem to hold. 

A well-bred man lifts his hat to his father, and in 
recognizing clergymen, or distinguished, or elderly 
men of his acquaintance. To men of his own age he 
need not be so ceremonious, but gives a nod, or a wave 
of the hand, unless the friend is walking with a lady. 
In that case he raises his hat. He lifts his hat to 
women of his family whom he sees at a distance in 
public, or in passing on the street. 

A man stands with his hat off when the American 
“colors” are passing, and when the “Star Spangled 


SALUTATIONS 


19 

Banner” is played. He should lift or remove his hat 
when a funeral passes. 

A man does not bow first to a man who is walking 
with a lady who is unknown to the passing acquaint¬ 
ance, but waits to be recognized. When a man is with 
a lady who bows to an acquaintance he must raise his 
hat. He looks straight ahead and not at the person to 
whom the friend bows if the person is unknown to him. 

A high hat or a derby is lifted by the brim in front. 
A soft hat is taken off by the crown. 

When bowing it is not correct to mention the name 
of the person one is recognizing. When passing formal 
acquaintances several times when driving or walking it 
is not necessary to bow more than once. 

Pictures galleries are regarded as public thorough¬ 
fares, and in them a man may retain his hat. Of course, 
if a woman bows to him, or if he is introduced to any¬ 
one there, he raises his hat and does not replace it while 
standing talking to a lady. 

When a woman receives some trifling civility from a 
man whom she does not know, she thanks him with 
a bow and a smile at the same moment, and he raises 
his hat in acknowledgment. 

Although a mere bowing acquaintance may be tire¬ 
some to continue between those who meet frequently 
when walking, yet have not opportunities of meeting 
elsewhere, it would not be courteous to abandon what 
has been begun. 

The modern custom of shaking hands may be traced 
for its origin to remote and barbaric times when men 
offered their right hands to each other to show that 


20 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

they were without weapons, or as a bond of peace and 
an assurance against treachery. 

This custom, which has come down to us through 
many ages, has, or should have in it, the very essence 
of good-will, good-fellowship and sincerity. 

The manner of shaking hands expresses much or 
little, as the case may be. There is the cordial, the 
honest, the indifferent, the inert, the affected, the exag¬ 
gerated way of shaking hands, all being suggestive of 
types of character. 

The friend who takes our hand cordially and looks 
straight into our eyes gives a feeling that the owner of 
the hand has a warm heart. The person who extends 
a limp, weak, lifeless hand and looks over one’s shoul¬ 
der is not a person on whom to depend in an emergency. 
One who seizes a proffered hand violently and with a 
hard pressure which makes it ache, gives the sensation 
that such a person is indifferent rather than cordial, 
inconsiderate rather than thoughtful. 

When shaking hands, or rather, taking the hand, one 
may give a gentle pressure, but not raise the hand or 
shake it, and not drop it suddenly, but relinquish it 
quietly, and not retain it while inquiring for another’s 
health, or other personal matters. 

A hostess shakes hands with guests who come to her 
house both on their arrival and departure. 

A young girl who understands the small courtesies 
does not offer to shake hands with an older woman not 
expecting this greeting. When introduced by a friend 
to a married woman the latter may offer to shake 
hands, but a girl does not make the advance. As a 
general rule women do not shake hands with each other 


SALUTATIONS 21 

when introduced, but merely bow, yet this rule bears 
alteration when there is some good reason why two 
women wish to meet cordially, and are introduced by 
a friend. 

Men shake hands on being introduced to each other, 
but, if out of doors, they merely raise their hats. 
Women who are intimate friends take each other by 
the hand when meeting and parting, but between men 
this custom is not followed. 

When leaving an entertainment a man shakes hands 
with the hostess, and he may do so with friends near by, 
but it is not necessary, and he should not go about 
shaking hands generally. 

A man invariably removes his glove before entering 
a drawing-room to greet a lady on any occasion. An 
old verse gives quaint directions which a man obeys in 
modern times: 

“When thou come the hall door to, 

Doff thy hood, thy gloves also.” 

A point to remember is not to put out the hand until 
very near the person one wishes to greet. Nothing is 
more awkward then to walk some distance with the 
hand held out. 

If one is greeting a person whom one has not seen 
for a long interval it is courteous to say promptly, “I 
hope you remember me. I am Mrs. Dash.” It is not 
good manners to say, “Don’t you remember me?” A 
quick reminder of one’s name is obligatory and pre¬ 
vents embarrassment. 

A few general rules as to when to shake hands and 
when not to do so may be useful. A woman does not 


22 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

shake hands with a man who is introduced to her casu¬ 
ally and who is a stranger, yet there are exceptions to 
the rule. For instance, she would shake hands with 
all the relatives of her future husband when they are 
introduced, or with a friend or relative of an intimate 
friend, or with one who is a friend of her husband or 
brother. A man must await the initiative of a lady 
about shaking hands; that is, he must not offer his 
hand first. 

Shaking hands is carried to an extreme in America 
and it is difficult for visitors from other lands to realize 
the importance that is attached to the custom. Famous 
warriors who have been with us have been obliged to 
accord this greeting to hundreds of people. The 
Prince of Wales, whose charming manners and engag¬ 
ing smile have made him so popular, found everyone’s 
hand extended to him in welcome, and it is said that 
his own hand was rather exhausted by the perpetual 
use of it before he sailed away from our shores. 

It is interesting to know that the English people, 
who are very reserved in regard to shaking hands, are 
so convinced that it is the custom with us that they give 
this form of greeting frequently by way of showing 
extreme graciousness to Americans. At Court func¬ 
tions some Americans have been honored in this way. 
It is well-known that high officials of Court and State in 
England kiss the hand of the king when receiving their 
appointments, but they do not shake hands with him. 

A story is told and is authentic that Gladstone was 
never given Queen Victoria’s hand in all his years of 
office, and only once, when he had retired from politics, 
did she shake hands with him. This was in the last 


SALUTATIONS 


23 


year of his life. The incident is mentioned in Lord 
Morley’s Life of Gladstone. For more than fifty 
years the great statesman had been in consultation with 
the Queen, and had been at dinners and parties at 
Windsor, yet he was never offered her hand, except to 
kiss, simply because it was the rule of a sovereign not 
to give the friendly greeting of shaking hands. 

King Edward VII rarely gave his hand at Court 
functions. He merely bowed slightly. Occasionally he 
shook hands as a mark of special regard. His hand 
was always gloved, and King George V observes this 
custom. Of course etiquette requires that anyone must 
take off the glove of the right hand before venturing 
to give it to a sovereign, or any executive, when this 
mark of favor is offered. 

The President of the United States has an ordeal 
frequently in being expected to shake hands with 
thousands of persons during his term of office. This 
custom, which appears to be claimed by so many as a 
right, might be made more acceptable to him if he 
might be persuaded to wear gloves. Shaking hands 
indiscriminately is not conducive to pleasure or health, 
and when forced to accord the privilege our chief 
executive might do well to follow the recognized cus¬ 
tom of other executives abroad. At all public functions 
in France it has been and is the rule for executives to 
wear gloves. Our president, from kindliness, or from 
custom, deprives himself of this protection. 


< 


CHAPTER IV 


IN PUBLIC 

To maintain courtesy in the midst of annoyances, 
to keep, with sweetness and serenity, the same self- 
control and politeness in a crowd that we practise in 
a drawing-room, may not be easy, especially in our 
congested thoroughfares, but it is worth the effort. 
For our own sake, for our dignity and self-respect, we 
do not wish to fail in courtesy, even though it may be 
absent in others. 

People with good manners do not push others aside 
in the entrances of shops, theatres, or churches. They 
are particular not to stand in the way of passers-by 
when talking with friends. They do not turn and stare 
at a passer-by, nor do they loiter looking in shop win¬ 
dows, but walk quickly from place to place. 

When two persons advance toward one another on 
the street the strict rule is to keep to the right. It is 
noticeable that this rule is constantly broken by those 
who appear to be ignorant and are at a loss to know 
what to do. Hesitation in regard to the custom causes 
an embarrassing situation for one who understands the 
correct way to pass and endeavors to hold to it, but 
is compelled to yield, owing to the awkward manner of 
the advancing pedestrian. 

Three or four persons should not walk together, 

thus causing great inconvenience to others who wish 

24 


IN PUBLIC 


25 

to pass. One or two should step back. Friends who 
meet in the street and wish to talk should not stand in 
the way of others, but move aside. Two persons who 
are walking together and who separate when passing 
another person and pass on either side and talk across 
the passer-by, are guilty of an extreme rudeness. 

No one should call to another across a street. Voices 
should be restrained in public. Loud laughing, boister¬ 
ous voices, private affairs freely discussed show a lack 
of self-respect. The very worst manners are those of 
persons who try to draw attention to themselves. 

It is a mark of provincialism for people to walk 
arm-in-arm in the daytime. If a lady is old or infirm 
and requires assistance a man may offer his arm, other¬ 
wise it is unnecessary. If there is a crowd, or danger, 
or a slippery place in winter, and he can give more pro¬ 
tection by offering his arm to a youthful companion he 
may do so, but for a woman to lean on a man’s arm 
in the ordinary pursuit of exercise, or a destination, is 
to show ignorance of the rules of etiquette. In the 
evening, for protection or greater ease, a man may 
offer his arm, but, as a general rule, he simply walks 
beside a lady to show that she is not alone. His place 
is at the outside of the street, as that is supposed to be 
the side of danger, or of roughness from rude passers- 
by. When a man is walking with two women in the 
evening he offers his arm to the elder, and does not 
walk between the two, nor does he ever give an arm 
to each. A provincial habit is for a man to grasp a 
woman’s elbow to guide her over a crossing, or to 
thrust his hand through a woman’s arm, at any time, 
or under any circumstances. He should never touch a 


26 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 


woman’s arm to assist her over a crossing unless she 
is old and infirm, or unless there is sudden danger. 

A man who is accompanying a lady may hold an 
umbrella over her to shield her from rain, but he may 
not hold a parasol over her to protect her from sun. 
That act would have a very foolish, sentimental 
appearance. 

Men with good manners do not remain seated in a 
public conveyance while women stand. A man who 
wishes to resign his seat to a woman gets up and may 
indicate his wish by a mere touch on her arm, lifting 
his hat and moving off promptly to a distance. She 
bows slightly and says, “Thank you,” as she takes 
the place. 

When a man opens a door in any public place for a 
lady who is a stranger, or picks up a purse for her, he 
raises his hat and she bows and acknowledges the 
courtesy by saying, “I thank you very much.” 

A man who knows the correct thing does not carry 
a lighted cigar, or a half-smoked, dead cigar into a 
public conveyance except in a part where smoking is 
permitted. 

In any crowded place, or thoroughfare, if by acci¬ 
dent a gentleman brushes against a lady, he lifts his 
hat and says promptly, “I beg your pardon.” 

A lady precedes a man when entering a church, or 
other public place, unless there is a great crowd and he 
can add to her comfort or convenience by preceding 
her. He should hold open a door for her. As a rule, 
at a theatre the usher walks first down the aisle to show 
the seats, and a man may go before a woman, standing 
in the aisle for her to pass and take her seat before he 


IN PUBLIC 


27 

takes his. In a private house a woman usually goes 
down and up stairs before a man; in a public place he 
precedes her. In a church a woman walks up the aisle 
before the man, after the usher. 

When one is in church, a reverent, quiet manner 
should be observed. Nothing is more inappropriate 
to the occasion or place than talking, whispering, or 
exchanging greetings when entering a church, or when 
walking down the aisle after service. Church-going is 
not for social purposes, and one must wait for conver¬ 
sation with friends until out of the building. Introduc¬ 
tions must never be made in a church. To glance at 
one’s watch during the service is not courteous, or to 
turn over the pages of a book during a sermon, as if 
weary, or bored, or to rustle a leaflet of the church 
music and disturb others. 

Comments on the service are not fitting. Critical 
remarks, in most instances, are the result of lack of 
instruction as to the meaning of the service. The rule 
among well-bred persons is always to conform to the 
custom in a church service, to stand when others stand, 
kneel when others are kneeling. One is reminded of 
the reply of one of the well-known clergy to a man 
who inquired how many “sittings” there were in his 
parish church, the church familiarly known as “The 
Little Church Around the Corner.” “I don’t know 
how many ‘sittings’ there are,” said the rector, “but 
there are a great many ‘kneelings.’ ” 

Persons who are strangers or unfamiliar with a 
service should remember not to remain seated when 
those directly behind them, in a crowded pew, may not 
be able to kneel without coming in contact with the 


28 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

backs of those who sit up stolidly and protestingly in 
front. 

Owners of pews show graciousness by indicating 
that strangers are welcome to seats. In a church 
where seats are free it is correct for a stranger to ask 
an usher for a seat, as many persons who are regular 
attendants have certain places. 

If one has taken a seat it is polite to move along 
when others enter and not oblige them to push by, but, 
if one prefers the end seat, one may move out and 
stand to let others enter and then resume the seat. 

When shopping a lady does not allow a careless or 
an indifferent shop-assistant to make her fail in polite¬ 
ness. A customer should know in advance what she 
wishes to buy, but if intending only to examine ma¬ 
terials or articles and not purchase them until another 
day, it is polite to say so at once. 

It is to be expected that employees may be weary, 
but they can be civil and should not talk to each other 
while customers are waiting and are forced to ask for 
their attention. Something may be said here in regard 
to the too effusive and much too familiar shop-assistant, 
who touches a lady’s arm to direct her to a department, 
or calls her “dear,” also of the saleswoman who 
recommends something because she has one just 
like it! 

The term “saleswoman” is far more dignified than 
the misapplied word, “saleslady,” and it is unfortunate 
that so many business people do not understand the 
truth of this. Someone has well said that like any 
other person of her sex she may or may not be a lady, 


IN PUBLIC 29 

but she is still a woman, and if engaged in selling she 
is a “saleswoman.” 

When finishing one’s shopping at a counter it is 
courteous to say, “I thank you very much.” Some 
saleswomen are courteous enough to thank the pur¬ 
chaser and this is very pleasing. 

When entering or leaving a shop it is polite to hold 
the door slightly and enable a person who is going in 
or coming out to take hold of it, but the person who 
has the right of way is the one who is advancing first 
and holding the door for her own entrance or depar¬ 
ture, therefore anyone who pushes by and claims the 
right of way fails lamentably in good manners. One 
should be careful not to let the door slam in the face 
of another person. 

When driving in a motor or other carriage a lady 
keeps the right-hand seat of her own car, even when 
accompanied by a guest, unless the guest is the wife of 
the president, or of the governor of a state. 

A man must give the right-hand rear seat to a lady, 
either in his own car or carriage or in a taxi. This is 
the strict etiquette, foreign and American. 

It is in the best taste to arrive at a theatre before the 
play begins. 

A man who is with ladies allows them to precede 
him in passing the entrance where tickets are shown, 
he secures programmes, gives the coupons or checks to 
the usher and allows the ladies to have precedence 
while he follows down the aisle. He stands aside to 
let the ladies take seats. A lady should never take the 
aisle seat if she is with a man. 

If a late arrival is unavoidable, people should take 


30 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

their seats quietly with as little talking, laughing and 
confusion as possible, and avoid disturbing others who 
are seated. 

If people are obliged to pass others who are seated 
they face the stage and try to give as little incon¬ 
venience as possible and not to drag wraps against 
the heads of those in front. When crossing in front 
of those who get up to give space one should say, 
“Thank you so much.” 

Talking during the play, even in whispers, rattling 
programmes, beating time to music, are very annoying 
to those who are near. If people insist on being so 
rude it is not good manners to turn and glare at them. 
The only hope is to turn and say quietly, “Will you 
please, as a favor, not talk? I am sorry, but I am 
obliged to ask this.” 

It is ill-bred to turn continually and look at the 
audience, or look through opera glasses at the audi¬ 
ence, or to point at anyone or try to speak by signs and 
gestures to friends at a distance. 

With the exception of a bunch of violets or a few 
orchids, flowers are not worn at a theatre. The vigor¬ 
ous flourishing of fans is to be avoided, and eating bon¬ 
bons is not good form. 

Men like to go out between the acts to smoke, but 
should not do so more than once and then should return 
before the curtain goes up, otherwise they disturb 
people. A man who has an aisle seat has more liberty, 
but when he has an inside seat and moves back and 
forth between, acts he is utterly lacking in politeness. 
Even if he goes\mt once he must apologize for causing 
disturbance. 




IN PUBLIC 


31 

At the theatre or opera a man is careful not to 
applaud vehemently, with the resounding hand-clap¬ 
ping which is very annoying to those who are near. 

When gentlemen are invited to dine and accompany 
ladies to the opera they are careful to show them 
attention. They assist them to take oh their wraps, 
after they have entered the anteroom of the opera box 
of the hostess. They draw back the curtain which 
divides the anteroom and box and follow the ladies, 
after closing the curtain. The hostess gives the seat 
near the stage to the older or most distinguished guest, 
if two ladies are with her. The correct seat for the 
hostess is the one furthest from the stage. The hostess 
waits for the older guest to be seated. The seat in 
the centre is for the third guest, who has waited for the 
hostess to take her own seat. A chair is immediately 
placed for her by one of the gentlemen. The chairs 
for the men are at the back. A man never sits in a 
front seat of a box, even if alone. 

While it is customary for a man to pay visits cO 
friends in boxes, even when he is a guest elsewhere, he 
does not usually enter a lady’s box unless he knows her 
well. He may go to the box of a stranger to speak 
to a lady whom he knows very well, and of course she 
introduces him to her hostess, but he must not go if 
she is merely an acquaintance. He is required to ob¬ 
serve the same formality as if the box were the house 
of the hostess. He may not go to a box where he 
knows only the men who may be there. If a man 
wishes to introduce a friend he asks the hostess first 
whether he may bring him. 


32 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

A man invariably gives up his chair in a box to the 
arriving visitor. 

Etiquette requires that a gentleman must not leave 
the ladies alone, when he is a guest for the evening, but 
must go back immediately to them if he observes 
visitors leaving. Another strict rule is that a man 
should never linger in a box as a visitor when lights 
are lowered and the curtain is about to rise. 

Talking during the opera is ill-bred. People who 
arrive late, or decide to leave before the end, are care¬ 
ful to do so very quietly. The gentlemen assist ladies 
with their wraps, and wait in the vestibule or lobby 
until the ladies have driven off. The hostess takes 
ladies home, unless they have their own cars, but is not 
obliged to offer this attention to men. 


CHAPTER V 


TALK AND TALKERS 

To BE popular one must be proficient in small-talk, 
that useful social commodity which alternates easily 
between subjects grave and gay; talk which is never 
egotistical, scandalous, frivolous, dull, commonplace or 
pretentious. 

Affability, graciousness, adaptability, a wish to 
please, must be part of one’s equipment. 

Self-consciousness is one of the obstacles to success. 
It makes one awkward in manner, timid at the sound 
of one’s voice, fearful of expressing an opinion. Cour¬ 
age to speak out directly from the heart helps others to 
bring out their ideas. 

The art of talking well is rare, but if one has the 
least spark of talent it may be improved. Time, 
thought and constant practice are necessary to develop 
any faculty. We cannot hope to learn music, painting, 
tennis-playing or golf without practice, and so it is with 
conversation. We cannot expect to talk well in society 
if we are dull, silent, taciturn at home. We must read 
the best books to learn the fluent use of language; we 
must learn to think and remember, to observe care¬ 
fully; we must keep in touch with the events of the 
day, not merely within a narrow circle but in the wide 
world. Travel enlarges the mind and affords topics 
of talk. General knowledge is necessary. In these 

33 


34 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

days there are so many opportunities for mental im¬ 
provement that it is considered inexcusable not to be 
well informed. Books, magazines and newspapers are 
within the reach of everyone. There must be a knowl¬ 
edge of books “either familiar or fashionable” if one 
would talk easily. 

The cultivation of a pleasant, well-modulated voice 
is important. A high, shrill, nasal voice betrays a lack 
of culture. The voice may be brought under control by 
the practice of speaking an octave lower than the tone 
carelessly used. 

Much benefit may be derived from reading aloud, 
each day, several pages of good English prose and a 
bit of good poetry. The voice and the mind will 
become trained, and there will be less nervousness in 
conversation. 

A clear enunciation, care in the selection of words, 
correct pronunciation must be learned. Simple lan¬ 
guage is always best. A beautiful or a descriptive 
word may be added to one’s vocabulary, but long 
words, stilted expressions, high-sounding phrases are 
to be avoided. 

Biographers tell us that some of the most dis¬ 
tinguished writers did not shine in society. Their 
faults may be a warning. Milton was unsociable and 
irritable. Addison was stiff and reserved except among 
intimate friends. Of Goldsmith it is said that “he 
wrote like an angel and talked like poor Poll.” 
Brilliant conversationalists are not always good small- 
talkers. Macaulay monopolized the conversation so 
strenuously that no one else could speak, and the great 
wit, Sydney Smith, said of him that “he could not dis- 


TALK AND TALKERS 


35 

tinguish between a monologue and a dialogue.” Dis¬ 
raeli made many enemies by his free use of sarcasm. 
Carlyle was dogmatic and argumentative. On the other 
hand, Burke was charmingly entertaining, enthusiastic 
and inspiring. Leigh Hunt’s conversation Avas com¬ 
pared to a pleasant stream. Lie was called the 
“philosopher of hope,” so optimistic and sunny was 
his temperament. 

Mrs. Browning was an ideal conversationalist, a 
conscientious listener, the first to see merit, the last to 
censure faults. She gave praise generously and was 
modest about her own abilities. Persons were never 
her themes. Books, great deeds and humanities 
were her topics. Yet it is true that very earnest 
talkers are not popular in general society. To be able 
to talk about nothing in a way to make that airy 
subject interesting is a talent. 

Stevenson was one of the most brilliant talkers. One 
of his chief charms in conversation Avas his sympathetic 
power of inspiring others. Lie would keep a houseful 
or a single companion entertained all day, yet never 
seem to dominate the talk or absorb it; rather he 
helped everyone to discover and to exercise unexpected 
powers of their own. His good-will, his courtesy, his 
consideration for others were delightful. 

To be sympathetic in conversation means to be will¬ 
ing to talk on subjects Avhich are of interest to others, 
to hear, patiently and courteously, what others have to 
say, to take an interest in their opinions and feelings. 

One of the first qualifications of an agreeable person 
is to be a good listener, not to let the eye or the mind 
wander. 


36 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

Tact is an important part of conversation. This 
subtle instinct is not possessed by everyone. It may be 
attained by judgment and intelligence, by observing the 
mistakes of others and profiting by them, by seeing 
small changes in manner, or the passing expression of 
a face. It tells one what subjects will be agreeable and 
what must be avoided. 

To guard against repeating a story to the same 
person is a point worth observing. The inclination 
to interrupt, or to correct others for inaccuracies 
must be controlled. Not only must we try to say 
the right thing in the right place, but leave unsaid the 
wrong thing at the tempting moment. 

Conversation must be natural and spontaneous to 
be really charming. Few persons have the gift of say¬ 
ing the most appropriate thing at the most appropriate 
time. Those who have a bright, easy, chatty way of 
talking, a gift for repartee, or for telling an anecdote 
well are popular. It is a fatal mistake to tell long 
stories, the plot of a novel, or a play. One must be 
brief. People who are fond of talking ought to beware 
of being lengthy, or they become tiresome. No one 
should talk more than a half-minute without giving 
others a chance to speak. 

One of the most delightful of writers, Arthur Ben¬ 
son, whose essays have the charm of personal talk, 
advises a student of the art of conversation “to talk 
frankly of any subject in which he may be interested, 
from a personal point of view.” An impersonal talker 
is apt to be dull, and “there is nothing like a frank 
expression of personal views to elicit an equally frank 
expression of divergence or agreement.” He adds that 


TALK AND TALKERS 


37 

“it is useless to attempt to make oneself into a brilliant 
talker, because the qualities needed—humor, quickness, 
the power of seeing unexpected connections, picturesque 
phrasing, natural charm, sympathy, readiness, and so 
forth—are things hardly attainable by effort. But 
much can be done by perseverance; and it is possible 
to form a deliberate habit of conversation by determin¬ 
ing that however much one may be indisposed to talk, 
however unpromising one’s companions seem, one will 
at all events keep up an end.” Shy and unready per¬ 
sons, from a sheer sense of duty, may make themselves 
into very tolerable talkers. The only way to get rid of 
shyness is to determine to get used to society. A prac¬ 
tical rule is to ask people questions about things to 
which they are likely to know the answers. A perfectly 
simple question about some small matter of common 
interest is the simplest way out of the difficulty of shy¬ 
ness. If asked in a pleasant way, and if the reply is 
followed with a remark, this may lead to moderate 
success in conversation. But, asking questions should 
not become a habit or it is boring. 

It is when persons are introduced that topics for talk 
seem difficult to find. The moments must often be 
bridged over by a commonplace remark about a passing 
event, or a friend, or the music or singers, if at the 
opera, or the bride, the gifts, flowers, if at a wedding. 

Truth, good sense, good-nature and wit are com¬ 
ponent parts of good talk. Exaggeration, vehemence, 
assertions, arguments and contradictions are the ruin 
of conversation; likewise gossip, slang, flattery, per¬ 
sonal compliments and puns. 

The witty mocker, the cynic and the pessimist are 


3 8 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

feared; the severe critic of folly as it flies, and the 
censorious person who indulges in petty fault-finding 
will be unpopular. One who possesses charity, intelli¬ 
gence and a keen sense of humor which is gay and 
kindly, will be liked. 

Mere trifles may start a flow of small-talk—the 
news of the day, the new novel, the best exhibition of 
pictures, horses, dogs, sports, even the weather, may 
supply topics. 

Subjects to be avoided are private affairs, illness, 
servants, food, money, dress, household difficulties, dis¬ 
agreeable happenings, grievances; and yet this rule 
seems to be reversed frequently, judging from the flow 
of talk one hears about what people spend, wear and 
eat, while the details of illnesses are discussed as though 
they were matters of pride and pleasure. 

Other subjects to be avoided are politics and religion, 
unless they can be discussed calmly. As a usual rule 
they are relegated from social talk, and always at a 
dinner. Among well-bred persons there is a charm in 
discussions, without argument, and, naturally, without 
contention. Conversation is ruined by anyone who 
attempts to “lay down the law,” or who assumes an 
emphatic manner, or shows excitability. Voice and 
features must be under control, gesticulations avoided. 
Pleasant talk is reciprocal. It is really “give and 
take.” 


CHAPTER VI 


GOOD FORM AND THE REVERSE IN SPEECH 

“When men and women begin to frame their 
thoughts in language,” writes a critic, “they depend 
not at all upon recorded rule and precept, not upon 
anything that can be taught or learned, but their 
thoughts or words spring out of that finer taste, which 
may, indeed, be cultivated and still more refined, yet 
which is itself the fairy birth-gift that insures enlighten¬ 
ment to the possessor.” 

This “fairy birth-gift” consists in fine tact, the dis¬ 
cerning of delicate distinctions and shades of meaning 
in words and expressions. It is far removed from 
vanity, affectation or pedantry. It permits the truly 
initiated person to use language with a certain sort of 
“masterly carelessness” that always keeps within the 
bounds of good taste. The initiated person does not 
fear to be colloquial, but is never vulgar. 

In social life there is ever a search for novelty, and 
this results in a special vocabulary which is always sub¬ 
ject to change in fashion. Words which are used for a 
time are quickly dropped as soon as they are adopted 
by the multitude. The word “swell” has long ago 
passed away and “smart” has taken its place, no doubt 
to be discarded in the course of time. Words or ex¬ 
pressions which are supposed to be a sort of society 
jargon often have a very short life. 

Slang has been aptly defined as a sort of “vagabond 

39 


40 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

language” which forces its way into the most respect¬ 
able company. Often it is descriptive, but it needs 
discrimination in its use. It is not wit, and the avoid¬ 
ance of it is advisable. 

The way of saying what one has to say is a test of 
education and good breeding. Those who have a dis¬ 
criminating sense of language try to use the best words 
to express what is in their minds. 

Simple, direct words are usually the most convincing. 
Lord Chesterfield’s advice to his son on this point is in 
one of his letters: “Never use favorite words, nor 
hard words, but take great care to speak correctly and 
grammatically and to pronounce properly.” 

Habits of speaking correctly should be formed very 
early in life, otherwise there will be danger of return¬ 
ing inadvertently to incorrect speech. Cultured persons 
are very keenly critical of those who make mistakes in 
grammar and pronunciation. A well-trained ear for 
music is sensitive to false notes and a trained ear for 
correct sounds in language is equally sensitive. 

An inexcusable mistake is to say, “Was you?” in¬ 
stead of “Were you?” A flagrant error is to say, “He 
says,” instead of “He said,” thus confusing the present 
tense with the past tense when mentioning what another 
person has said. Another error is to say, “I don’t 
know as I shall go,” instead of “I don’t know that 
I shall go. Careless persons use the expressions, 
“A great ways,” “Somewheres,” “There’s plenty of 
places, instead of “A great way,” “Somewhere,” 
“There are plenty of places.” A careless fault is to 
say, “The two first houses,” instead of the “first two.” 
A moment’s thought will make clear to the mind that 


GOOD FORM IN SPEECH 


41 


there cannot be “two first.” A serious fault is to say, 
“These kind of things,” or “Those sort of experiences,” 
The correct form is, “Things of this kind,” “Experi¬ 
ences of that sort.” 

Confusion often arises in the use of pronouns. It is 
not correct to say, “It is me,” “Mary and me are 
going,” or “Between you and I,” or “Sarah is coming 
to see my sister and I.” The correct form is, “It is 
I,” “Mary and I are going,” “Between you and me,” 
“Sarah is coming to see my sister and me.” 

Provincialisms are peculiarities of speech to be reso¬ 
lutely corrected. Among these may be mentioned the 
expressions, “lady friend;” “gentleman friend;” “the 
young miss;” “folks,” for family; “fellows,” for young 
men; “groom,” for bridegroom; “table manners,” for 
manners at the table. This very incorrect expression, 
“table manners,” is found in books on etiquette which 
profess to be authoritative. The word, “groom,” 
applies to a man or boy in charge of horses or of a 
stable; the word, “bridegroom,” is the correct term for 
a man newly married, or about to be married. People 
of distinction never say “box-party,” “clubman,” or 
“society-woman.” 

The misapplication of the terms “lady” and “gentle¬ 
man” by the affectations and follies of the ignorant or 
half-instructed, or pretentious, have driven sensible 
persons long ago to avoid as far as possible the use of 
words so over-worked. They are seldom used in the 
world of society. Women do not talk about “gentle¬ 
men” and men do not talk about “ladies.” The word 
“lady” is a very feeble one when speaking of qualities, 
looks or emotions. A discerning writer has said that 


42 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

“woman” is to be used when realities of life or charac¬ 
ter are treated of; “lady” should be used to express the 
outside characteristics, the conditions of cultivated 
society and the respectful, distant and chivalrous eti¬ 
quette which society claims for women who are mem¬ 
bers thereof. The same writer explains that when the 
word came to be extensively misapplied the lover of 
good English undefiled began to associate the word 
“lady” with pretension and ignorance. No one who 
understands the right application of terms would say, 
“He is a clever gentleman,” or, “She is a beautiful 
lady.” The generic distinctions are apparent in these 
examples. The words “man” and “woman” express 
the strength of simple language, which is always better 
than over-effort, or gushing, affected speech. 

A very ignorant person has been heard to say, “I am 
a lady, as much a lady as anyone,” without realizing the 
shocking incongruity of her assertion, and that she pro¬ 
claimed herself not to be one. When an ignorant 
person informs us that she knows “a lady who would 
do laundry work,” we feel that the person speaking 
and the person spoken of are lacking in true self- 
respect, and we are satisfied to claim the word, 
“woman,” for our own. 

A very fine sense of propriety is required to choose 
the right word in the confusion of these epithets. If a 
serious breach of etiquette has occurred one would say 
of the offender, “A gentleman would not do such a 
thing,” thus placing the man quite beyond the pale of 
good society. We do not like to describe someone by 
saying, “She is not a lady,” and when we use the term 
we do so in a deprecating way, but thereby we indicate 


GOOD FORM IN SPEECH 


43 

that something is missing in her personality, and 
although she may be well-endowed with fortune’s 
favors, the true attributes are lacking which distinguish 
a well-bred woman. The word “lady” is a delicate and 
fragile term sadly ill-treated by coarse usage. When 
we hear the designation, “She is a lady,” which is mis¬ 
applied by someone who fails to recognize its real 
significance, we shrink from the term but must remain 
silent. When to this is added the ridiculous expression, 
a “perfect lady,” we shudder at the vulgar term, il we 
cannot pass it by with a smile. 

The real lady and gentleman are much known by the 
choice of words, the voice, the utmost simplicity and 
unpretentiousness in manner and conversation. A cer¬ 
tain higher degree of education and refinement belongs 
to them. They possess the taste which discerns shades 
of meaning in words; this taste, as has been said, is a 
gift which may be cultivated. 

The word “lady” is indispensable when anyone is 
speaking to a servant of an expected guest. One would 
not say, “I expect a woman to stay with us for 
a few days,” or, “We expect a man to make us a visit, 
but would say, “I expect a lady, or, W^e expect a 
gentleman.” Always a certain formality is obseived 
in speaking to a servant and marks the respect towaid 
the person of whom one speaks, therefore a mothei 
would not say of her daughters, “Have the girls 
gone out?” but would say, “Have the young ladies gone 
out?” She would not say of a daughter, “Has Edith 
come in?” but would say, “Has Miss Edith come in?” 

A man would say at a theatre to a friend, “I am with 
some ladies,” not some “women.” 


44 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

Very small things in talk reveal refinement of per¬ 
sonality or the reverse. Words which are bad form 
are ‘‘wealthy,” “homely,” “elegant;” instead of these 
the form would be, “rich,” “plain,” “beautiful.” 

No one of good taste would use the expression, 
“Say, Mary,” or, “Listen,” when wishing to call one’s 
attention, nor would say, “Is that so?” “You don’t 
say,” “Sure,” in conversation. 

The word “whether” indicates a choice, therefore it 
is incorrect to place it twice in a sentence, thus: “I have 
not decided whether I shall go abroad, or whether I 
shall stay at home.” 

Sometimes the mistake is made of substituting “but” 
for “that,” as, “I have no doubt but she will go.” The 
correct sentence is, “I have no doubt that she will go.” 

Exaggerated expressions, unmeaning extravagances 
are to be avoided, “Lots of people,” “Loads of time,” 
and the indiscriminate use of the words, “grand,” 
“magnificent,” “horrid,” “awful,” betrays poverty of 
language. 

A fault to which some persons are prone is to use 
French words and mispronounce them. 

The fear of using simple words troubles the urn 
initiated person, who is likely to adopt those which he 
fancies will sound well, but which are not in use. For 
instance, no one “peruses” a letter, one reads it; one 
does not “retire.” but goes to bed; one helps at a fair, 
one does not “assist;” and one goes to the opera, one 
does not “attend” the opera. 

Excessive precision in speech may be as faulty as 
extreme slovenliness. The avoidance of things that 
have been condemned will help in the correct use of 
our mother tongue. 


CHAPTER VII 


CARDS AND VISITS 

Life has become so complicated in large cities that 
there is, of necessity, less social intimacy than in 
smaller towns. The many demands on time, the great 
distances, compel people to forego much of the inter¬ 
course which might be pleasant and profitable. With 
the very best intentions, and the most friendly inclina¬ 
tions, people have not time to be friends in the life of 
modern society. Visiting lists used to be carefully kept, 
and visits checked off with regularity. A weight was 
off one’s mind and conscience when a round of visits 
had been made. * 

While the fashion of making a round of formal 
visits has fallen more or less into disuse it must not be 
imagined that ceremonious card-leaving has been en¬ 
tirely abandoned. In fact etiquette demands that cards 
must be left in acknowledgment of certain courtesies, 
or calls, or invitations, and on certain occasions, with¬ 
out any exception. The established rules which regu¬ 
late visiting, the use of cards, the leaving or sending of 
cards are followed by punctilious people. 

After having received invitations to a wedding 
breakfast, a dinner, luncheon, card party, or a dance, 
cards are left within a week after the event whether 
one has accepted or not. If one has sent a regret one 
may call and leave a card before the event. Invitations 

45 


46 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

which have been classified as above are of a personal 
nature and are supposed to be a special compliment. 

Church weddings, teas and large receptions are gen¬ 
eral affairs. A church is ample enough in size to hold 
a large number of persons and general acquaintances 
may be invited. The courteous acknowledgment of the 
invitation is to send cards on the day of the event, or 
soon after, to those in whose name it was issued and 
to the newly-married pair. This rule applies also to 
marriage announcements, but it is polite to call person¬ 
ally on a bride, within the year, if possible. 

If in doubt as to the new address of a bride cards 
are sent to the address of her parents. These points are 
explained because they are often a problem to the inex¬ 
perienced. 

Cards for a tea do not require a reply. They 
indicate merely that a hostess will be at home to her 
friends, who may come or not as they please. Those 
who call leave their cards as a reminder to the hostess 
that they have been present, and may leave the cards 
of members of their family as an acknowledgment of 
the invitation. Those who cannot go, or cannot send 
cards by a member of the family, enclose their cards in 
small envelopes addressed by hand and sent by mail on 
the day of the event. If a call is made or cards are 
sent one’s duty is done. 

An absolute rule of etiquette is that a card must be 
left within three days or a week after having been in¬ 
vited for the first time to a lady’s house for a luncheon 
or dinner. 

A first call must be returned within two weeks, at 
latest. Even if one does not wish to continue an 


CARDS AND VISITS 47 

acquaintance it would be rude not to return the visit 
and this would not necessitate a second visit. 

If a lady intends to send a first invitation to someone 
from another city who has had a letter of introduction 
through a friend she should pay a visit before sending 
the invitation. She may leave her card with the invita¬ 
tion at the hotel where the stranger is staying, but it is 
more courteous to make the visit first and then send the 
invitation. 

A lady leaves her husband’s card with her own in a 
formal visit. Among intimate friends there are few 
formalities, but there are obligations in other direc¬ 
tions. Courteous people leave cards after entertain¬ 
ments, and, above all, after having been invited to a 
dinner by a hostess who is not an intimate friend. A 
lady, therefore, would leave two or three of her cards; 
if there are two or three ladies in a family, and two or 
three of her husband’s cards, one of his cards being 
intended for the man of the family. No one ever 
leaves more than three of one sort of card. 

If a lady is calling on someone who has a friend 
staying with her for whom a luncheon had been given 
to which she had been invited, she would leave her 
card for the visiting stranger; for example, one card 
for the hostess, one for the friend of the hostess, and 
one for the other ladies of the family, if there are any. 

A debutante has her name on her mother’s card and 
this card may be left by her mother on formal occa¬ 
sions. It is an inclusive and a convenient card. 

A lady may leave her son’s cards when making a 
formal visit, by way of indicating that he is eligible for 
invitations. The custom is observed by a mother, 


48 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

among her own friends, as her son may have been away 
at college and has not a large number of friends of his 
own. But she does not continue to leave his cards in 
future. 

The rule used to be that a lady should leave 
cards once a year for everyone on her visiting list, but 
this ceremonious visiting has been given up. Some 
punctilious people keep up the habit, which is a com¬ 
mendable one. 

Certain privileges are claimed by and accorded to 
women of acknowledged social prominence, w T ho, by 
reason of age or delicate health, may drive about leav¬ 
ing cards without inquiring if the ladies are at home. 

This privilege is claimed by many others w T ho have 
no reasonable excuse to offer for it, and who should 
have the politeness to inquire, “Is Mrs. Gray at 
home ? and thus give her the option of having a visitor 
admitted, or not, as people of the world always instruct 
their servants what to say when visitors are calling. 

Not more than three cards of one kind are ever left. 
If there are four or five ladies in a family three cards 
are sufficient. 

The hours for formal visits are between three and 
half past four o’clock in the afternoon. From four to 
seven are the usual hours stated on a reception card. 

From fifteen to twenty minutes is the correct length of 
time for a call. 

In social parlance one does not “make calls,” one 
speaks of paying “visits,” and one never uses the ex¬ 
pression, an “At home.” It is a “tea”; even the most 
formal reception is spoken of in this way. 

Five o’clock is the intimate tea-time hour when it is 


CARDS AND VISITS 


49 

the every-day habit to have tea. Friends are very apt 
to come in when they know a hostess well, but it is not 
the hour for formal visiting, and only those who are 
intimate would like to arrive at this time. 

Among certain groups of intimate friends where 
there may be a frequent interchange of invitations for¬ 
mal visiting has practically ended. Visits are not made 
because these groups of friends are in the habit of 
lunching together or dining with each other, going to 
the play, or opera, several times in a season, and do not 
expect visits in return for hospitalities. There are, 
however, observances to be followed even among inti¬ 
mate friends w T hen card-leaving is an expression of 
kindliness, sympathy, congratulation or condolence. 

A point of card-leaving which is important concerns 
cards of inquiry. When hearing of a friend’s illness 
it is kind to call without delay and make personal 
inquiries. A custom in England which is adopted here 
is to write the words, “To inquire,” on one’s card. If 
the illness is of several weeks’ duration a friend would 
call frequently to ascertain the condition of the invalid 
and to show interest; an acquaintance might call once 
or twice. A married woman calling to inquire would 
leave one of her own cards and occasionally one of 
her husband’s cards if the invalid is a personal friend 
of the husband, as well as of her own. The words 
“To inquire,” are written upon a lady’s card, unless the 
invalid is the husband of the lady called upon. In 
that case the words are written on the husband’s card. 
If the invalid is a daughter in the family called upon a 
lady leaves only her own cards. 

“To inquire” should not be written on cards unless 


50 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

one may not be admitted. It is always right to ask to 
be received, and it is kind to leave flowers, fruit or 
books. 

After a bereavement in a family cards of condolence 
are left immediately by friends or within a week of the 
event, and without inquiring for any member of the 
household. The words, “With deepest sympathy,” 
may be written on the cards. Intimate friends only 
have the privilege of asking to see one of the family. 
If distance makes it impossible to call, cards of condo¬ 
lence may be sent by post. The acknowledgment of 
cards of condolence is explained in a later chapter. 

After recovery from an illness one may send cards 
to friends who have left cards, and write across the top, 
“With thanks for kind inquiries.” 

When paying a first visit, or any formal call, cards 
are left. A lady may give her own card to the servant 
who opens the door and may lay her husband’s card on 
the hall table in passing. Cards are never handed to 
the hostess or to any member of the family. 

It is not in good taste for more than two members of 
a family to call together. A mother may be accom¬ 
panied by one daughter and leave cards of the others. 

A first call should be returned within a week or two 
weeks at latest. When calling on a friend who is visit¬ 
ing those whom one may not know it is correct to ask 
for the hostess and leave a card, although she may 
excuse herself, assuming from courtesy that the guest 
and her visitor may prefer to be alone. It would be 
very rude not to leave a card for her or to treat her 
house as if it were a hotel. 

Another phase of card-leaving is when friends have 


CARDS AND VISITS 51 

returned after a long absence. A congratulatory call 
is made after receiving a note announcing a friend’s 
engagement. When returning home after a long 
absence cards with one’s address are sent to friends 
and acquaintances. The same rule is followed when 
one wishes to notify friends of one’s change of address, 
unless in cities where there is a Social Register. 

In town intimate friends have the privilege of calling 
in the morning hours, or it is allowable to call on some 
errand of business or charity, or to inquire in illness. 

Acceptances or regrets must never be written on 

cards. 

When going to see someone staying at a hotel it is 
well to write in pencil at the top of the card the name 
of the lady for whom it is intended, in order to avoid 

mistakes. 

If a friend is out the line, “Very sorry to miss you,” 

may be written on one’s card. 

A card is sent with flowers, fruit, books, bonbons, or 
any small gifts offered among friends. Attentions of 
the sort are acknowledged by note, not by card. 

Social indebtedness could not be paid without cards, 
these useful little bits of pasteboard, which, foi cen¬ 
turies, have been the accredited representatives of their 
owners. Often they are reminders to acquaintances of 
our very existence and may be a step towaid renewing 
friendship. 

All the little ceremonies and attentions discussed 
here have their meaning and their value. They indicate 
the thoughtfulness and kindliness which are at the root 
of all politeness. Courtesy is due to our friends and 
is a mark of respect toward them as well as of our 


52 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

own self-respect; therefore cards of courtesy are not 
mere vague forms, but are expressive of some of the 
principles of good breeding. 

When making a visit one asks the servant who opens 
the door, “Is Mrs. Dash at home?” If there are 
other ladies in the family the words may be, “Are 
the ladies at home?” or, “Are the ladies receiving?” 
If the answer is in the affirmative the visitor enters 
without other remark, giving her cards to the servant, 
who should receive them on a small tray which is kept 
in the hall for the purpose. 

The servant leads the way to the drawing-room 
door, drawing aside the portiere, or opening the door, 
without knocking on it. A man-servant looks at the 
name on the card, stands aside to allow the visitor to 
pass, and announces the visitor’s name. A maid does 
not announce a name. She carries the tray with the 
card on it and leads the way to the hostess, going 
quickly, while the visitor proceeds slowly, giving the 
hostess time to glance at the card. The hostess rises 
promptly to greet her guest, and the maid takes the 
tray with the card and places it on the hall table. If 
the ladies are not in the drawing-room at the time the 
servant should take the cards upstairs to them after 
ushering the visitor into the drawing-room. If a maid 
neglects to conduct a visitor to the drawing-room the 
visitor enters without lingering in the hall. If the 
hostess is not in the room when a visitor arrives the 
visitor seats herself and awaits the coming of the 
hostess and rises when she enters. 

Servants should be instructed what to do and what 
to say when visitors call. A lady who allows a servant 


CARDS AND VISITS 


53 

to say, “I will see if Mrs. Dash is in?” and then sends 
a message that she “wishes to be excused,” or is “not 
receiving,” is showing a discourtesy to a visitor. 

The formula, “Not at home,” is generally used at 
the door by a servant when a visitor calls at a time 
when it is not convenient for a hostess to see any one. 
This is not intended as an insincerity, but those who 
object to the expression may instruct a servant to say, 
“Mrs. Dash is not receiving,” or “Mrs. Dash is very 
sorry not to be able to see any one this afternoon and 
wishes to be excused.” 

When paying a visit a visitor, if alone with her 
hostess, rises when another lady enters. The hostess 
goes forward to greet her visitor by shaking hands. 
She introduces her guests to each other, and the new 
arrival is expected to seat herself near the hostess and 
other visitor. The hostess usually says, “Will you 
sit here?” or, “Where will you sit?” or something 
equally informal and natural, and both seat themselves 
simultaneously and all talk together. It is not good 
form to say, “Will you be seated?” or, “Will you 
take a seat?” The visitor who has been the first to 
arrive should be the first to leave. If the first visitor’s 
call has already exceeded ten or fifteen minutes she 
should take leave as soon as she can courteously do so. 
A hostess rises and shakes hands with a guest who is 
leaving. A man must always rise and remain standing 
while his hostess is standing. A hostess touches an 
electric bell to notify a servant that a guest is leaving, 
for whom the front door must be opened. If she has 
but one visitor at the moment she may accompany her 
to the door if she pleases; but if she has other guests 


54 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

she may not leave them and must take leave of the 
parting guest in the drawing-room. 

When a visitor is leaving it is not the custom to urge 
her to remain, although one may say, “Must you go so 
soon?” or something of that sort. 

When making a visit it is well to leave before the 
conversation lags and to rise while making some casual 
remark and not to linger when standing, but to leave 
without delay. 

A servant should be instructed to remain at the door 
until a visitor has reentered her car, or has at least 
arrived at the pavement. The only time when a door 
is closed without waiting is when a chauffeur is leaving 
a lady’s cards. 

A man should leave his hat, overcoat, stick and 
gloves in the hall when paying a visit if he is sure that 
he will be received. The exception would be when he 
may be inquiring for a friend who is ill, or making a 
visit of condolence when he is doubtful whether he is 
to see anyone, therefore he waits in the reception room 
or drawing-room. If the servant brings a favorable 
message he takes off his overcoat and gloves and hands 
them with his hat and stick to the servant, who carries 
them to the hall. A lady may not accompany a man to 
the hall when he is leaving, nor does she ever offer any 
assistance to him whatever with his overcoat or any 
of his belongings. 

It is a woman’s privilege to invite a man to call, 
because she has the right to choose who shall be 
received in her house, but she should feel reasonably 
sure that a man wishes to come before she gives the 


CARDS AND VISITS 55 

invitation, and it would be in best taste not to invite a 
man who had just been introduced. 

Older persons as w T ell as young persons call on a 
bride whose cards have been received. This civility is 
but a necessary acknowledgment of the cards and is a 
courtesy due to the bride who now takes her place as a 
young matron in society. 

A bride may begin to return calls in a few weeks. It 
is always best to get these social duties off one’s mind 
and not allow a long list to accumulate. 

When leaving town for a long absence people some¬ 
times send their visiting cards with “P.p.c.” written in 
the lower corner. The letters stand for the French 
words, Pour prendre conge, “To take leave.” For¬ 
merly these cards were left within a week before de¬ 
parture, but they are now sent by post to be received the 
day after departure. They do not take the place of 
visits w T hich may be due for courtesies. 

When going to a hotel to call one sends up a card by 
a servant and waits in one of the reception rooms, or 
the name is telephoned from the office to the room of 
the person on whom one is calling. A lady would go 
down to the public reception rooms to receive a man 
visitor. 

When a young girl is making a visit with her mother 
or anyone older than herself, she does not take the 
initiative about leaving. If two friends of about equal 
age are paying a visit, it makes no difference which one 
is the first to rise to take leave. A young girl allows 
an older woman to precede her in entering or leaving a 
house or room. 


S 6 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

If a daughter is at the head of her father’s house¬ 
hold, her mother not living, one of her cards and two 
of her father’s cards would be the general rule when 
sending cards. 

Card envelopes should fit cards and are not enclosed 
in an outer envelope. The address and stamp are 
placed on the small envelope. 

A lady’s card is about three inches long by two wide, 
or two and a half long by one and three-quarters wide, 
a card of medium size and nearly square being the pre¬ 
vailing fashion. Simplicity is the rule in type. Flour¬ 
ishes in lettering are bad form. Plain script, plain 
block or shaded block are preferred. A written card 
is never used. Engraved plates are not expensive and 
every one is supposed to have a card in the correct 
fashion. A married woman never uses her Christian 
name on a card, and the rule is the same for a widow. 
The card is in her husband’s name in full. The street 
address is in the lower right-hand corner of a card. 




CARDS AND VISITS 


57 

A man’s card is smaller than a woman’s and is oblong 
rather than square. The name is in full, with the 
prefix, Mr., and the home or club address is in the 
lower-right corner. A married man’s card seldom has 
the address, as his card is to be left by his wife with 
her own card, which bears the address. An unmarried 
man has his club address, unless he is living at home. 

A physician’s card has the prefix, Dr. It is not good 
form to use M. D. on a card. 

Mrs. Henry Davis White, Jr., is the form on the 
visiting card of a woman whose mother-in-law has the 
same name. 

A man named for his father omits the Jr. after his 
father’s death, although there are instances where the 
Jr. is retained. A widow is entitled to use her hus¬ 
band’s full name on a card. She is Mrs. George White, 
not Mrs. Susan White. In order to avoid confusion a 
widow may have her card, Mrs. White, provided she is 
the eldest member of the family connection, and the 
son’s wife would have the full name, omitting the Jr. 

A man who has the addition of u Jr.” in his name 
must have his card, Mr. Henry Davis White, Jr. The 
abbreviation is preferred to the word, “Junior.” If 
that is chosen the capital letter, J., is not used. 

When there are representatives living of three gen¬ 
erations with the same name the youngest man’s card 
is: 

Mr. Henry Davis White, 3rd 

A woman who is divorced uses her maiden name with 
her former husband’s name, Mrs. Lee Smith, never 
Mrs. Mary Smith. 


58 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

A clergyman’s card may be The Reverend Thomas 
Murray. It is not correct to place the degrees B.A. or 
M.A. on a visiting card. 

A professor or a judge uses the prefix Mr. before his 
name on a card. It is not correct to have “Professor” 
Blank, or “Judge” Dash, on a visiting card. 

It has been considered old-fashioned to use as a 
visiting card, “Mr. and Mrs. Dash,” but the custom is 
revived and it simplifies matters generally, for a lady 
may leave one of these cards and one of her husband’s 
cards when visiting. The preferred style is to use the 
word “and,” instead of the sign thus: 

Mr. and Mrs. John Beverly Scott 

A card in the above form is used to accompany a 
gift. 

An old fashion was turning down the corner of a 
card. This signified that one had called in person, but 
the custom is obsolete. 

A girl’s card may be about the same size as that of a 
married woman, or a trifle smaller. The prefix, Miss, 
is always used on a girl’s card. During the first year 
or two of her entrance in society a girl’s name is 
engraved on her mother’s card, beneath her mother’s 
name: 

Mrs. George Minturn 
Miss Minturn 

But this is correct only if she is a daughter of an eldest 
son, otherwise her name would be Miss Louise 
Minturn. 

Sometimes a card is as follows: 


CARDS AND VISITS 


59 


Mrs. Grenville King 
The Misses King 
Miss Dorothy King 

In this case the younger daughter has just entered 
society. After a year or more in society young girls 
have their cards separately from their mothers’ card. 
Pet names are not in good taste. Even though a girl is 
known among her friends as “Daisy,” or “Birdie,” her 
card must be her correct, baptismal name, with the 
prefix, “Miss.” 


CHAPTER VIII 


NOTES AND LETTERS 

In the haste of present-day existence the art of note¬ 
writing has been almost destroyed. The telephone and 
telegram are tempting to many persons who will not 
take the time to concentrate their minds sufficiently to 
express their thoughts in written language. The result 
is that when compelled to write a social note they are 
hampered by doubts and fears as to what to say and 
how to say it. The telephone cannot be substituted 
always for notes without an absolute loss in standards 
of good manners. 

Facility in note-writing comes by practice, as in any 
other art. The charming note is not the outcome of the 
moment. It is the result of education and culture. No 
excuse can be reasonably made for avoiding what is 
an indispensable accomplishment. 

If the idea is kept in mind that note-writing is merely 
an expression of what one would say in speaking there 
may be less difficulty. A note should be natural, spon¬ 
taneous, easy in style. Care given in writing it shows 
the writer’s own self-respect, as well as courtesy toward 
the person addressed. 

Occasionally it may be necessary to write a note 
quickly. Then one’s training and skill will summon 
clearness of thought, brevity of language, and polite¬ 
ness of treatment. A note written legibly, in simple 

60 


NOTES AND LETTERS 


61 

words, dated, signed and addressed with perfect care, 
cannot fail to make a good impression on the recipient. 

Notes or letters from friends which tell of a birth, 
an engagement, a marriage, an illness or a bereavement, 
a sudden stroke of good fortune, or the reverse, require 
prompt replies. To be dilatory in sending congratula¬ 
tions, or sympathy, is not the way to show kindness, or 
to retain friendship. A valuable rule is not to let a note 
“grow cold’’ on one’s desk. 

A note tells more than the subject matter it contains. 
The qualities of mind and heart of the writer are shown 
unconsciously and are not concealed from one who 
knows how to read between the lines. 

Everyone may not be able to acquire facility in writ¬ 
ing, but, at least, the elementary parts of correspond¬ 
ence may be mastered. Handwriting should be legible; 
the vertical or angular style is preferred. The small 
round letters are in favor, but the rather large hand¬ 
writing has more character. A word of advice given 
by a literary man to his sister is worth remembering: 
“Write me a fair, even-minded, honest hand, unvexed 
with desperate blots or skulking interlineations.” 

Spelling, grammar and punctuation must be observed. 
A dictionary should be consulted if there is any doubt 
about spelling. Words are separated distinctly and 
written in straight lines. Writing is not crowded at the 
margin, nor are words divided from one line to the 
next. A new subject requires a new paragraph. In 
beginning a paragraph a margin of about an inch is 
allowed. The simplest way is to write straight on from 
page to page rather than to skip from one page to 
another and thus confuse the reader. If a note is only 


62 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 


of two pages it is usual to skip one. Black ink is used 
invariably and a pen with a broad nib is desirable. It 
is unpardonable to write with a pencil. 

Plain white paper, rather thick, unruled, and folded 
once to fit the envelope is in good taste. The size may 
be about six and a half by five inches, with envelopes 
five inches by three and three-quarters. Paper of a 
larger size is for letters. A smaller size, five and a half 
by three and a half inches, or five by four and a half, is 
for brief notes or for invitations to luncheons or din¬ 
ners. A popular fashion, for an intimate note, is a 
single sheet with the address engraved at the top. 

Persons in mourning use paper and envelopes with 
mourning border three-eighths of an inch wide or with 
a narrower line, according to the depth or period of 
mourning. 

Postal cards are not for social usage and typewriting 
is strictly for business. Typewritten letters require 
that the signature should be written by hand. 

To appear saving of stationery is not good form. 
Sheets torn from a pad are not used. Inferior paper, 
or an illiberal use of paper shows a lack of good taste 
on the part of the writer. The use of two sheets of 
paper is expected when words overflow a single sheet. 

The address may be engraved in Roman letters 
across the head of the sheet. If a monogram or crest 
is used it should be small. If used on the sheet with 
the address the crest may be toward the left and the 
address toward the right. A monogram and crest 
should not appear together; one or the other may be 
used. 

Country house note paper may have the name of the 


NOTES AND LETTERS 


63 

estate-or mansion in the upper right-hand corner of the 
sheet. In smaller letters, toward the left, may appear 
the name of the nearest town where the post-office and 
railway station are situated, and the telephone number. 
This information is sometimes in small letters at right 
angles on the upper left-hand corner. Another fancy 
adopted by those who have large country residences is 
to have on note paper certain signs to show the railway 
station, telegraph office and telephone number. For 
instance, the name of the country house is at the head; 
then, to show that there are several modes of com¬ 
munication, there follow tiny engravings of a locomo¬ 
tive, an envelope, and a telegraph pole preceding the 
name of the station and state. Under these is a draw¬ 
ing of a tiny telephone with the telephone number. 

If there is no engraved address on one’s stationery 
it may be written at the head of the page toward the 
right. In a date the name of the month is written in 
full; the date of the month is in numerals when the 
date of the year follows, or may be written in full when 
the year is omitted. It is unpardonable to adopt the 
commercial habit of giving the date of the month, day 
and year in numerals, or to abbreviate by writing “Sat., 
Jan. 10.” 

A note is begun about two inches from the top of the 
paper and a margin is left at the foot of the page. 

It is well to avoid beginning with the pronoun, “I,” 
and to avoid the frequent repetition of U I.” 

If there is something of importance or interest to 
say, it is usual to start with the subject. 

The custom is to begin a note, “My dear Mrs. 
Gray,” or, “Dear Mrs. Gray.” A friend or sister is 


64 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

addressed, “Dear Florence,” or “Dearest Mary.” A 
business communication to a stranger begins, “Mrs. 
John Wood, Dear Madam.” 

For some inexplicable reason it is considered more 
formal for a woman to begin a note to a man, “My 
dear Mr. Brown,” than “Dear Mr. Brown.” The 
reverse is the English custom. 

Terminations should be appropriate to the general 
form of the note. “Yours sincerely,” is used among 
intimate friends or comparative strangers. “Yours 
affectionately” implies a degree of intimacy between 
relatives or very dear friends. “Yours faithfully” may 
be from a man to a man or to a woman. “Yours very 
truly” is used generally in business letters, and may be 
used in formal personal letters. 

A conclusion to a ceremonious note may be: 

Believe me, my dear Mrs. Dash, 

Very sincerely yours, 

This is an English fashion and is preferred by Amer¬ 
icans who have been much abroad. 

A lady does not begin a letter to a business firm as 
“Gentlemen,” but as “Dear Sirs,” and signs it, “Yours 
very truly,” or “Yours truly.” 

An example is: 

Mendham and Fine, 
io West 57th Street, 

New York. 

De ar Sirs: 

Your representative called and gave a satisfac¬ 
tory estimate for the material selected and the 


NOTES AND LETTERS 


65 


upholstery work for a sofa and three chairs. Will 
you send for the furniture and have the work done 
without delay? 

Yours truly, 

Charlotte Morris. 

(Mrs. James Morris.) 

Signatures are written in full and never with a prefix. 
A married woman’s signature is her own name, “Char¬ 
lotte Morris,” not “Mrs. James Morris.” If writing a 
business note to one who may not know her identity she 
may place her husband’s name in brackets beneath her 
signature, or (Address Mrs. James Morris), but this is 
not allowable in a social note. A married woman fre¬ 
quently retains her maiden name in a signature, “Char¬ 
lotte Gray Morris.” The best taste is to write one’s 
signature in full and not divide it by a single letter, 
“Charlotte G. Morris.” 

It is old-fashioned to add a postscript. If necessary 
to add a thought it may be done without the letters, 
“P.S.” A very bad habit is to use the sign, for 
“and,” or to crowd the word “and” vertically between 
words. 

In addressing an envelope to a man the form may be 
Richard Wood, Esq., according to English usage, for a 
personal letter. Formal invitations are addressed to 
Mr. Richard Wood. A woman is not addressed by her 
husband’s title. An address is Mrs. William Green, 
not Mrs. Dr. Green, or Mrs. Gen. Green. A widow 
is addressed Mrs. George Smith, not Mrs. Anna 
Smith. 

A note to a tradesman is addressed John Johnson. 


66 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

An address is written in full on an envelope and pre¬ 
cision is used in placing a stamp straight in the upper 
right-hand corner. If an envelope has been addressed 
upside down it is discarded and another substituted. 
The abbreviation u No.” before figures is obsolete. 
The word “Street” is written in full, not “St.” 

One does not write “City” on social notes. The 
street address is considered sufficient on local notes, the 
name of the town or city being omitted, although this 
is not a fixed rule. 

One should write the names of cities in full and not 
use the abbreviations Wash., Cin., Balt., or Phila. 

There can be no exact formula for notes and when 
suggestions are made in cold print they seem very trite 
and expressionless. If note-writing is reduced to a 
mere form cordiality and spontaneity are lost. 

A bride-to-be must be particular in acknowledging 
gifts and should write notes to her friends and relatives 
and to her future husband’s friends and to people whom 
she does not know, who may be her parents’ acquaint¬ 
ances or friends of the bridegroom’s family. When 
writing notes of acknowledgment for wedding gifts, 
there should be no duplicates. Each note differs, 
according to intimacy, friendship or mere acquaint¬ 
anceship; but, as persons who send gifts are supposed 
to do so from motives of kindness, the wish of the 
bride-elect should be to reciprocate in the same manner. 
Notes may be cordial without being too gushing or 
effusive. The safe rule is to write with as little delay 
as possible, before the feeling of pleasure in receiving 
the gifts has subsided, and to mention a gift definitely 
—the beautiful silver dish, the lovely vase, or candle- 


NOTES AND LETTERS 67 

sticks. People like to have their gifts specialized, and 
adjectives of enthusiasm from a bride are natural. 

When a gift is received from a husband and wife 
a note is written to the wife. Something in this form 
may be suggestive: 

Dear Mrs. Park: 

The clock is beautiful. How kind of you and 
Mr. Park to send it! Arthur and I are delighted. 

It will be a wonderful addition to our house, 
where we hope to see you both very often. 

Yours sincerely, 

Elizabeth Clarkson 

Or, one may say: “It was a great pleasure to 
receive the lovely dessert-plates which you and Mr. 
Park have so kindly sent. Thank you many times. I 
hope to see you both on the fifth and tell you personally 
how delighted I am with your gift.” 

To an intimate friend one may say: 

Mary, dear: 

You have sent what I love to have. The brooch 
is a beauty and it will ever remind me of your 
loving friendship, which you may be sure is warmly 
reciprocated. 

Affectionately, 

Eleanor. 

A note of condolence to a friend who has lost a 
relative is not a difficult task if written at once. Words 
of sympathy or affection should not be hard to find, and 
these are all that need be written. The letter is liked 


68 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 


best if the writer does not attempt to sermonize. Any 
formula for a note of this sort would seem common¬ 
place and insincere. “My thoughts are with you in 
your sorrow and I am writing to assure you of my 
deep sympathy,” or “My heart goes out to you in your 
sorrow,” or, “in the blow which has fallen on you,” 
are words which suggest themselves as fitting. 

A reply to a note of sympathy may be brief but 
appreciative. Something of this sort might be said: 

Dear Mary: 

Your letter of sympathy is deeply appreciated. 

It was sweet and kind of you to write, and it is a 
comfort to know that you are thinking of me at 
this time. 

Yours affectionately, 

Edith Ward. 

A form of resignation from a club is in reality an 
official communication sent to the secretary and may be 
very concise: 

My dear Mrs. Dash: 

I regret that circumstances make it impossible 

for me to retain my membership in the-Club 

after June first. 

Will you be so kind as to offer my resignation? 

Sincerely yours, 

Elelen Wainwright. 

A separate personal note may be sent giving reasons 
for resigning and adding a kindly word in conclusion. 
If other demands on one’s time make it impossible to 
attend to club duties one may say so, or if one is leaving 



NOTES AND LETTERS 


6 9 

for an indefinite period, or to make one’s home else¬ 
where, these facts may be stated. A concluding sen¬ 
tence may be, “I shall always have pleasant memories 
of my connection with the club.” 

The inventions of the day for saving time and 
trouble are responsible for the neglect of letter-writing. 
Picture post cards, telegrams, telephone or wireless mes¬ 
sages are substituted, and are cold and unsatisfactory. 
Nothing is more essential than letters to win and hold 
friends and keep the bonds of affection between mem¬ 
bers of families who may be widely separated. A true 
letter is full of the personality of its writer and speaks 
with his or her voice. It is interesting to the one who 
writes it, otherwise it has no life in it, and it should be 
full of interest to the reader or it fails in its purpose. 
The very best letter-writers of the world have cared for 
what they were writing and cared for the friends to 
whom their letters were written. Friendly letters are 
colloquial, full of pleasant talk. Subjects which appeal 
to the friend are chosen. If there is something of 
importance to say one begins with the subject and 
writes first of whatever may be of special personal 
interest to the friend. One’s own affairs are kept for 
later discussion. Questions which a friend may have 
asked should be answered, never ignored. A question 
or two may be asked, and thus one assumes that a reply 
will be forthcoming. 

The letter of friendship has a large scope and is 
often of deeper significance than the letter of kinship. 
A letter is always welcome which has in it a word of 
encouragement or praise. The letter between friends 
should not be written without reading the last letter 


70 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

received and touching deftly on each allusion, and if 
one has heard of the other’s talents, or triumphs, a few 
words of cheer and generous commendation will give 
pleasure. 

The family letter should be an itinerary of daily 
movement, plans and doings. It is in reality a bulletin 
of personal news. Habit and feeling have much to do 
with its warmth of affection or the opposite. Some 
measure of tenderness is to be commended in a family 
letter. 


CHAPTER IX 


INVITATIONS AND ANSWERS 

Although manners have not, in many ways, the 
strict punctiliousness of the past, it is satisfactory to 
reflect that the form for ceremonious invitations and 
answers has not changed. The telephone is used 
between friends, when an invitation is a casual one, or 
someone’s secretary calls up to know if Mr. and Mr. 
So and So will dine with Mr. and Mrs. Blank on such 
an evening. In some houses a list is given to the butler, 
who must call up and check off replies on a blank form 
entrusted to him; or he must answer the telephone, take 
or send a message promptly to the member of the fam¬ 
ily for whom it is intended, and get the answer imme¬ 
diately. If the person calling over a telephone wishes 
to speak personally to any one, it is exceedingly rude to 
keep the person waiting for a reply. 

It is unnecessary to point out that the present meth¬ 
od of telephoning invitations is not dignified, neither 
is it certain. People who are well-bred always supple¬ 
ment an invitation by telephone by a written line or note 
of reminder. Ceremonious invitations and answers, 
however, still hold their own, as has been said. 

The form of an invitation usually indicates whether 
an answer is expected. When the pleasure of one’s 
company is requested a reply must be sent. There 

71 


72 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

should be no delay in answering an engraved or written 
invitation to a dinner, luncheon, house wedding, wed¬ 
ding breakfast, card party, theatre party, or a dance. 

A note of invitation to a dinner requires a written 
note of reply within twenty-four hours, so that a host¬ 
ess may know whether she may expect a guest and have 
time to supply the place should a guest be unable to 
accept. 

Those who entertain often use a card of invitation, 
engraved in script, or small block letters, with blank 
spaces in which may be written the name of the guest, 
the words “at dinner,” or “at a small dance,” and the 
date and hour. The form is: 


and Sdmand fin 


arren 



(Name of guest is written in this space) 


company 


on 


ad 


o'clock 


0ne t/waband 0^aidc dd/o 


venae 


Cards are about four and a half inches wide by 
three and a half high. 

If a special event is to follow a dinner the words 
indicating it may be written on the lower left-hand 
corner of the invitation or across the lower part: 


INVITATIONS AND ANSWERS 73 

“Small dance,” “Music,” or “To go afterwards to the 
Junior Assembly,” or “To go afterwards to the play.” 

When a dinner is in honor of a young friend the 
name may be written across the top of the engraved 
card: To meet Miss Mildred Robinson. 

The form of invitation often used for a dance is: 


and c 7fi//tani Q^edafle/d 
reyaeU t/ie fi/caSanc 


(Name of guest is written in this space) 


com/ia?ty at a bma/d dance 


on './/Monday' evening, t/ie Sevent/i e, 





7 


at ten dewed; 


dVineteen S7be. 


nae 


k V. /. 


Instead of the letters, R.s.v.p., which stand for the 

French words, “Repondez s’il vous plait,” meaning 
“Please reply,” another form is “The favor of an 


74 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

answer is requested,” u Please reply, or Please re¬ 
spond,” but the letters “R.s.v.p.” require less space 
and may be used on invitations to a dance, theatre 
party, card party, or on wedding invitations when a 
wedding is to be out of town and it is necessary to 
know how many guests may be expected. 

There can be no provisional acceptance of an invita¬ 
tion to a luncheon, a dinner or a card party. It is not 
good manners to say one will accept if in town at the 
time or anything of that sort. An invitation for a 
husband and wife must be accepted or declined by both. 
One should not accept without the other. 

If an invitation is in the third person the reply should 
be: 


Mr. and Mrs. Beekman 
accept with pleasure 
Mr. and Mrs. Winthrop’s 
invitation for 

Tuesday evening, February the tenth 
at eight o’clock 


It is important to repeat the date and the hour in 
writing an acceptance in order to avoid any misunder¬ 
standing. An answer to an invitation is always written 
by hand. 

The correct spacing is observed in writing a reply. 
The same form is used for a reply to an invitation to 
a wedding breakfast, simply repeating the date. 


INVITATIONS AND ANSWERS 75 

It is not necessary to give reasons for declining an 
invitation when writing a formal reply. Some persons 
plead a previous engagement or absence from town. 
A reply may be: 

Mr. and Mrs. George Brown 

regret that owing to a previous engagement 
they are unable to accept 

Mr. and Mrs. Blank’s 
kind invitation 

for Tuesday evening, February the third 


A formal invitation to a dinner may be written on 
note paper having the engraved address across the 
top, the usual form being followed, thus: 

Mr. and Mrs. Henry Howard Warren 
request the pleasure of 
Mr. and Mrs. Gray’s 
company at dinner 
on Tuesday, January the fifteenth 
at eight o’clock 

The full names of guests are not repeated in an 
invitation; their full names are on the addressed 
envelope. 


76 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

A hostess who is a widow, and the head of a family 
of the name, may use the following form for a dance, 
large or small. 


Mrs. Barclay 


At Home 


Om Monday evening,, tiliiik first of January 


at o»clock 


CDkte: West Fifty“Seyenth ^ilTIR]EIK'T , 


Dancing 

This is the preferred and most punctilious form 
for an invitation. The words, “At 1 ’ and “Home” have 
each a capital letter. 

Very informal methods are used by a hostess who 
wishes to give a small dance for a young girl who is 
visiting her daughter. Across the top of the card of 
the hostess is written, “To meet Miss Rosamond 
Day.” The date and the line, “Dancing, io o’clock,” 
are beneath the engraved name of the hostess, and the 
letters “R.s.v.p.” are under the date. 

In the same way a card is used for a card party, 
“Bridge at 4 o’clock,” with date and “R.s.v.p.” 

Replies to invitations of the sort are in the third 
person, in the same form as a reply to an engraved 
invitation. 


INVITATIONS AND ANSWERS 


77 


An informal note of invitation may be: 

Dear Mrs. Gray: 

Will you and Mr. Gray dine with us informally 
on Thursday evening, February the second, at half 
past seven o’clock and go afterwards to the play? 

It is so long since we have seen you. I hope you 
have no other engagement. 

Yours sincerely, 

Mary Warren. 

An informal note in the first person requires a reply 
a form something like the following: 

Dear Mrs. Warren: 

My husband and I accept with much pleasure 
your very kind invitation to dine and go to the 
play on Thursday evening, February the second, 
at half past seven o’clock. 

Thank you so much for thinking of us. 

Sincerely yours, 

Katharine Gray. 

A very informal note to an intimate friend would be : 
De ar Pauline: 

Will you and Dick dine with us on Saturday, 
the fifteenth, at half past seven? It seems ages 
since we have seen you. We have tickets for a 
play which we think you will enjoy. 

Always affectionately, 

Mary Warren. 











7 8 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

Care is taken in the reply to repeat the date and 
hour: 

Dear Mary: 

Dick and I are delighted to accept your invita¬ 
tion for dinner and the play on Saturday, the 
fifteenth, and you may expect us at half past 
seven. 

Yours affectionately, 

Pauline. 

Invitations to formal dinners and luncheons are, of 
course, not sent to friends who are in mourning, as 
that would be an empty form; but invitations to wed¬ 
dings, receptions, etc., must be sent as a mark of com¬ 
pliment and remembrance, even when it is known that 
these friends will not accept. Great care should be 
taken in revising one’s list when sending out general 
invitations or marriage announcements, so that the 
name of a departed member of a family may not be 
included, or naturally, friends might be offended at 
such a sign of indifference. 

When a lady sends cards for a tea she is merely 
notifying friends that she will be at home on a certain 
afternoon, and they may call or send cards, as they 
please. A written reply is not necessary. It makes no 
difference to her in point of convenience or numbers 
whether they call or not. She is prepared to receive 
her friends generally, and she is not obliged to fill any 
vacant places; but if a lady sends out invitations to 
a luncheon, a dinner, or a card party, she wishes to 
know how many guests she may expect. 


INVITATIONS AND ANSWERS 


79 


A dinner invitation is the highest compliment and 
conveys the greatest mark of cordiality toward an 
invited guest. It is an extreme want of politeness, 
therefore, for a guest to delay in sending a reply and 
thus leave the hostess in doubt as to whether her invita¬ 
tion will be accepted. Trivial excuses at the last 
moment are unpardonable. 

Frequently the difficulty with the writer of a reply 
seems to be in choosing the words in which to write an 
acceptance or regret. One person fears to appear too 
formal; another is afraid of saying too little or too 
much, and thus a delay results, and the recipient of the 
invitation gets the credit from the sender of being 
rude, when the trouble may have arisen from anxiety 
as to correct forms. 

The best course always is to observe very carefully 
the form of an invitation and follow it precisely in a 
reply. If it is in the third person, the reply must be 
in the third person. If it is in the first person it must 
be answered by an informal note in the first person. 

It would seem obvious that the reply should invari¬ 
ably be sent to the person or persons in whose name or 
names an invitation is issued, yet perplexity sometimes 
exists in the minds of those who inquire in regard to a 
house-wedding invitation, u To whom shall I send a 
reply? The bride-elect is a stranger to me. The bride¬ 
groom is a friend of our family. The invitation is 
from the bride’s parents.” Of course, the reply must 
be sent to the bride’s parents. They have issued the 
invitation, not the bride, and not the bridegroom. 

The envelope containing the answer to an invitation 
should be addressed to the hostess, not to the host and 


80 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

hostess. A hostess has charge of the invitations. As 
a rule, not more than two or three members of a family 
should go to an entertainment unless related to those 
issuing the invitation. This rule does not apply to men, 
as they are always in demand. All members of a fam¬ 
ily should be included in a wedding invitation. 

A first invitation should always be accepted. 

An invitation to a church wedding does not need a 
written reply, but it is courteous to acknowledge the 
fact that one has been remembered, therefore cards 
should be sent to the bride’s parents, if the address is 
known, and to the newly married pair on the day of the 
wedding or immediately after. If preferred, cards may 
be left later at the mother’s house, but without asking 
to see any one. 

An unmarried woman would send or leave one card 
for the bride’s mother and one for the bride. 

Telegrams of congratulation are sent immediately 
after the hour for a wedding ceremony by intimate 
friends who have not been able to be present. 

Marriage announcements are acknowledged by send¬ 
ing cards to those in whose name they are issued and 
also to the bride and bridegroom. 

An invitation once accepted for a luncheon or dinner 
is a binding obligation. If illness or any other cause 
arise, making it impossible to go to a dinner after 
having accepted an invitation, an immediate message 
by telephone, followed by a note of explanation and 
regret, should be sent to the hostess. 

If a previous engagement cannot be offered, when 
writing a formal regret and yet there exists some good 
reason for not accepting, the words may be, “regret 


INVITATIONS AND ANSWERS 81 

that they are unable to accept the very kind invitation, 
etc.” It is not correct to say “will be unable.” The 
fact of the regret rests in the present, not in the future. 

Answers to invitations are not written on cards. It 
is exceedingly bad form to enclose a card with 
“Regrets” or “Accepts” written on it. 

The first rule in social life is not to economize in 
politeness. While it is not in good taste to be effusive, 
it is better to err on the side of politeness than to 
appear abrupt or indifferent. 

The rule is to send a wedding invitation to Mr. and 
Mrs. C., a separate one to the Misses C., and a sep¬ 
arate one to each young man in the family. It is con¬ 
sidered polite not to appear saving of stationery. It is 
not proper to address “Mr. and Mrs. C and family.” 

Wedding invitations to be sent by mail are enclosed 
in an outer envelope. The inner envelope is addressed 
to Mr. and Mrs. C., the outer envelope bears the full 
name and address. When a large number of invita¬ 
tions are to be issued they are addressed by persons 
employed for the purpose. It used to be the custom to 
send ceremonious invitations and replies by responsible 
messengers. To-day they are entrusted to the mail. 

The word “ball” is never used on invitations for a 
private dance, and is only seen on an invitation sent by 
a committee for a charity ball, or one which is semi¬ 
public. In fact, the word is in disuse in conversation, 
the term “dance” having taken its place. The French 
words “Bal poudre” are allowable on an invitation 
and indicate that guests are expected to wear fancy 
dress and powdered hair. 

Invitations to a wedding, or a ceremonious dinner 


82 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 


are issued two or three weeks in advance. Informal 
invitations may be sent a week or a few days in advance. 

Invitations to weddings and formal dinners are sent 
in the name of the host and hostess, but for an after¬ 
noon tea, they are issued by the hostess alone. 

One may not ask for an invitation to a luncheon, 
dinner or card party even for a friend who is visiting 
in one’s house. One may ask for an invitation to a 
dance or tea for a stranger, if one knows the hostess 
sufficiently well to ask the favor. A young girl should 
not ask for an invitation for a man. Her mother 
may ask by a note to the hostess. 

It is not courteous to invite anyone but an intimate 
friend to fill a vacancy at a dinner at the last moment. 
A sensible friend will comply with such a request, 
thereby helping a hostess in a dilemma and earning her 
gratitude. 

Invitations for a man should be addressed to his 
residence or club, not to his office. 

An invitation should include the husband with the 
wife, unless the entertainment is exclusively for women. 
Even though the husband is not known personally to 
the sender his existence cannot be ignored. 

When replying to an invitation to commencement 
exercises, one may write in the third person in the cus¬ 
tomary form, substituting the words, “the invitation to 
the Commencement Exercises at Hobart College, etc.,” 
and address the reply to the friend whose card was 
enclosed with the invitation. 


CHAPTER X 


LUNCHEONS 

A LUNCHEON is simply a pleasant way of bringing a 
few friends together informally. A prevalent fashion 
in New York is to invite friends to have luncheon at 
a restaurant or a club of fashion, but there can never 
be the atmosphere of hospitality in this way of enter¬ 
taining as in one’s own house. For a semi-formal 
occasion the house of a hostess is the accredited place, 
without exception. 

If a luncheon is an impromptu affair, at short notice, 
a telephone message and its reply are understood to be 
sufficient. If a luncheon is to be several days or a week 
ahead a note should follow the message. A note is 
obligatory when a luncheon is to be at the house of the 
hostess. It may be preceded by the inevitable tele¬ 
phone invitation, according to the unceremonious usage 
of the day, but a note must be written later. Telephone 
messages are not always a surety that dates will be 
remembered. Mistakes occur if dates are not care¬ 
fully jotted down by a servant receiving a message 
when an employer is out, or the friend herself may fail 
to record the date and memory may be short. Aside 
from these possibilities it is never gracious to econo¬ 
mize in politeness, even between friends. A hostess, 
therefore, who wishes to do what is correct, as well as 
to avoid mistakes, follows a telephone message by an 

83 






84 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

informal note. If it is to an intimate friend she may 
write briefly: 

Dear Alice: 

I am so glad you can come to luncheon on 
Saturday, the tenth, at half past one o’clock. 

Yours sincerely, 

Mary Worthington. 

Or she may write on her visiting card: 

To remind you of luncheon on Saturday, the tenth, 
at 1130. 

In no case is it courteous to abbreviate dates, thus: 
Sat., Jan. io. An abbreviation shows that the writer 
is in too much haste to be polite. The name of the day 
of the week and month should be written in full. 

If the luncheon is to be at a restaurant, or club, the 
special place of meeting is designated in the note, “at 
Pierre’s,” or the “Ritz,” or the “Colony Club.” 

A formal invitation to a luncheon is written in the 
first person on note paper with the engraved address 
at the head, and is sent a week in advance. 

A formal invitation should be more ceremonious' 
than an informal one, therefore it is courteous to 
write: 

D ear Mrs. Browne: (or, Dear Alice:) 

Will you give me the pleasure of your company 
at luncheon on Saturday, January the tenth, at 
half past one o’clock? 

Trusting that I may have the pleasure of seeing 
you, Yours sincerely, 

Mary Dash. 


LUNCHEONS 


85 

Occasionally a note has the words, “Will you take 
luncheon with me?” etc., but it is an abrupt form and 
does not convey the same courtesy or compliment as 
the more ceremonious note. If the luncheon is in honor 
of someone the line “to meet Mrs. Strange,” is added 
after the word “o’clock.” 

An engraved card is sometimes used in the form 
for a dinner, except that it bears the name of the host¬ 
ess only. If the luncheon is in honor of someone the 
words, “To meet Mrs. Strange,” are written across the 
top of the card. 

In the country where friends may motor from town, 
of from near-by places, standing-up luncheons are given 
by hospitable people. These luncheons are usually on 
Saturday, or a holiday, and include men. The card of 
the host and hostess is sent with the date and hour 
written across the top. 

The letters “R.s.v.p.” may be written in the lower 
left-hand corner of the card. The invitation requires 
a reply. 

Instead of a card a hostess may prefer to send a note 
of invitation and include guests who may be staying 
with friends in the country for the week end; therefore 
she writes informally: 

Dear Mrs. Blair: 

Will you and your husband come to luncheon 
on Saturday, October tenth, at 1:3°? We hope 
that you will bring any guests who may be with 
you. 

Yours sincerely, 

Mary Robinson. 


86 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 


A note of this sort requires an answer by note or 
telephone immediately. It is more courteous to send a 
written reply, which should be in the same form as the 
invitation. 

A young girl may invite her girl friends to luncheon 
at home, having consulted first with her mother. 
Invitations are by telephone or note. Notes are writ¬ 
ten if a girl is giving a luncheon in honor of a friend 
who is staying with her. The form would be the same 
in substance as the example given in this chapter. A 
more intimate note would be: 

Dear Helen: 

Will you come to lunch on Thursday, February 
the ninth, at half past one o’clock? 

I am asking a few friends to meet Ruth Barlow, 
who is coming to stay with me, and I want you 
to be one of the number. I hope nothing may 
prevent you from coming. 

Yours affectionately, 

Bertha Robinson. 

The appointments of the table and the service for a 
luncheon do not differ materially from those for a 
dinner, the rules for which are explained in a later 
chapter. At each place there is a place plate. There 
are three forks at the left, two knives, a bouillon spoon 
and an orange spoon at the right. A small napkin 
plainly folded is on the plate. 

A bread-and-butter plate is at the left of each place, 
slightly beyond the forks. It must be remembered that 


LUNCHEONS 



87 


bread-and-butter plates are never used at dinner and 
only appear at breakfast, luncheon or supper. 

Dessert plates with finger-bowls are on a side-table. 
A tiny leaf of rose geranium, or a few violets may 
be in each finger-bowl. Extra silver, which may be 
needed, is on the side-table. 

A table cloth is not used at luncheon, that is, it is 
not a damask cloth over a felt cloth. A centre-piece 
of linen with fine embroidery or lace is on a bare table. 
Place-mats, or doilies to match, are at each place. Or 
there may be a runner, if the table is long, which falls 
over the ends of the table but does not extend to the 
edge. A very beautiful linen and lace cloth may cover 
the entire table but should not fall too far over the 
sides. 

Candles are not used on a luncheon table, unless a 
dining-room is exceedingly dark. Even on dark days 
in winter electric light in the room is sufficient, if nec¬ 
essary. Daylight is to be preferred always. 

Flowers, or an ornamental piece of silver, should be 
in the centre of the table. There may be two or four 
compotiers with fruit and bonbons. The table should 
not appear crowded. If it is small, the flowers and 
two compotiers are enough ornaments. If these are 
not used, a small table looks well with a silver dish of 
fruit in the centre arranged to be effective in color. 
Porcelain ornaments in the centre of a table have too 
much the appearance of a china shop and had best be 
eliminated from any scheme of decoration, especially 
cupids and other figurines. A large table may have 
four slender silver vases with flowers, placed at right 
angles, and in the centre a more elaborate vase with 








88 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

flowers, not too high, in order not to obstruct the view 
of guests opposite to each other. 

In summer beautiful flowers from gardens are used. 
Pale colors give a cool effect in summer, pale blue, 
lavender, or white, with delicate greenery. If garden 
flowers are not obtainable wild flowers, ferns and 
feathery grasses are fancied by the true flower-lover. 

Ribbons are never used, nor are they mingled with 
flowers. 

The menu depends on the season. Four or five 
courses are customary. Fruit, or soup, an entree, a 
meat course with vegetables, salad, and dessert, make 
up the usual menu, from which the entree or the meat 
course may be omitted. A macedoine of fruit is popu¬ 
lar at any season and is a combination of fresh fruit 
cut in small pieces, grape-fruit, orange, white grapes, 
from which the seeds have been removed, banana, pow¬ 
dered sugar and a little maraschino, or the flavoring 
may be omitted. It is served in rather tall, broad 
glasses, with slender stems. Old fashioned cham¬ 
pagne glasses, which have been of necessity relegated 
to oblivion, prove to be useful when other glasses are 
not available. Another style is to use broad glasses 
filled with finely chopped ice and in each glass is fitted 
a second glass containing the macedoine. Fruit is 
always thoroughly chilled for serving. 

Grape-fruit may be substituted for a macedoine, cut 
in half, the sections cut apart, the tough centre and 
seeds removed and sugar added. 

If melon is for the first course a half of a small 
melon is served. A slice only of a large melon, Casaba, 
or honey melon, is served. 


LUNCHEONS 


89 

Other courses may be chicken or clam bouillon with 
whipped cream on top, lobster Newburg, sweetbreads 
and peas, salad and dessert. 

Eggs may be an entree in place of the lobster course. 
The variations in the preparation of eggs are illimitable 
and may be substantial or simple. The richer dishes 
are stuffed eggs with mushroom or other sauces; the 
simpler ones, for informal luncheons, are scrambled 
eggs on toast, the crusts having been cut off, and the 
toast spread with a rich sauce. 

A sweetbread course is very delicious with cream 
sauce, mushrooms and olives. In place of sweetbreads 
there may be a course of meat and vegetables, chops, or 
broiled chicken, peas and potatoes of a delicate sort. 

In Lent luncheons vary by the omission of meat, but 
very appetizing entrees of fish, eggs, and asparagus 
help to make up the menu. 

In summer the menu may be varied by cold con¬ 
somme, boiled salmon with hollandaise sauce, served 
with cucumbers with French dressing; a salad and 
dessert. 

Roasts do not appear at luncheon. It is made up 
chiefly of entrees. 

Salads are special features, and may be rich, if other 
courses are light, or plain, if other courses are sub¬ 
stantial. They may be of fruit with mayonnaise, or 
plain lettuce with French dressing. Cheese and heated 
crackers are passed with the salad. 

Hot biscuits, rolls, toast, or little muffins are served 
at luncheon and are passed during the meal. Butter is 
passed. This is better form than to have butter put on 


90 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

the bread-and-butter plate by a servant at the beginning 
of the meal, in hotel fashion. 

Bonbons are passed at the conclusion of the meal. 
Coffee is served in small cups after the dessert, or later 
in the drawing-room and cigarettes are offered. 

At an informal luncheon there may be chocolate with 
whipped cream on top, the cups being filled in the 
pantry and brought in by the servant and put down at 
the right of each guest. A teaspoon should be on each 
saucer. 

An orange spoon is used to eat grape-fruit. A tea¬ 
spoon or small dessert spoon may be for macedoine. 

Soup at luncheon is served in bouillon cups with two 
handles and therefore a large teaspoon or bouillon 
spoon is laid at each plate when the table is set, or a 
spoon accompanies each cup and saucer when served, 
the bouillon cup and saucer being put down on the 
place plate. Places are never left without place plates 
until the table is cleared for dessert, the method of 
service being similar to that at dinner. 

In summer cooling beverages are served, iced tea, 
with sugar, lemon or fruit juice. Iced coffee is very 
popular and is served from a large glass jug or pitcher. 
It is passed on a tray with a silver or glass bowl of pow¬ 
dered sugar and sugar spoon, and a jug of very rich 
cream. Tall glasses are used, partly filled with ice. 
Spoons with long handles are used with these glasses. 

If other beverages, iced tea or coffee, are not served, 
grape juice, with sugar and sprigs of mint, or orange 
juice may be substituted. Many combinations are 
made to take the place of the once familiar “claret 


LUNCHEONS 


9i 


Desserts for luncheon differ from the more conven¬ 
tional desserts served at dinner. Custards or simple 
puddings are for informal occasions. 

Ice cream may be for a formal luncheon. It is 
always a mold of ice cream, cut in slices in the pantry, 
but holding together in form and is on a platter with an 
ice-cream spoon and fork for serving and passed to 
each guest, who takes a portion on his plate. 

A hostess must be in the drawing-room in time to 
receive her guests. She does not stand to receive them, 
but may be seated across the room, but she rises to 
greet each arriving guest, and does not remain seated 
while anyone is standing. Her dress is never elaborate. 
Although some persons claim that a hostess at a formal 
luncheon may wear a hat, it seems rather a forbidding 
custom and looks as though she had just come in, or 
were in haste to go out after luncheon, and a hostess 
should never appear in haste for any reason whatever. 
It may be that a woman thinks a hat more becoming 
than without, but let her forget herself rather than give 
an impression of discourtesy to guests. Of course, she 
wears a hat if having luncheon at a hotel or club, and 
may wear one in the country where life is spent more or 
less out-of-doors, but for a town luncheon in one’s own 
house—no! She does not wear gloves, or a veil. 

Guests should arrive promptly at the appointed hour 
for luncheon. It is not correct to make any inquiry 
when arriving at the door. One enters immediately, 
saying to the servant, “Mrs. Dash expects me.” Ladies 
remove veils and wraps in the hall, or dressing-room, 
but hats and gloves are kept on. Gloves are removed 
when taking one’s seat at table. They are not turned 


92 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

back on the wrists. They are laid in one’s lap, under 
the napkin. Fur neck-pieces may be kept on and muffs 
may be carried into the drawing-room, but it is usual 
to leave them in the dressing-room. 

It is a freakish habit to push a veil up on the edge of 
the nose at the table, but some women do it, forgetting 
the unsightly appearance it presents. It is more polite 
to be “unveiled” in anyone’s house except when paying 
a visit. 

If there is a butler to announce guests he does so 
by preceding each guest into the room, mentioning the 
name to the hostess and then standing aside. If there 
is not a butler in the household it is not correct to have 
a waitress make announcements. Guests enter unan¬ 
nounced. 

The servant who opens the front door is instructed 
as to the number of guests expected. When all have 
arrived and the luncheon is in readiness, the butler or 
waitress enters the room and, looking at the hostess 
announces, “Luncheon is served.” 

In a well-equipped house a butler and second man 
and sometimes a third man serve the luncheon. In a 
less pretentious house two maids can accomplish the 
serving. The usual rule is that a servant is required 
for every six persons. 

A butler wears his morning dress, cut-away coat, 
high waistcoat, dark gray striped trousers and a black 
tie, the “footmen” wear their liveries and waitresses 
their regulation uniforms. 

The hostess may lead the way in going in to lunch¬ 
eon, walking beside a guest, or she may ask her friends 
to pi ecede hei. Guests do not go in to luncheon arm 


LUNCHEONS 


93 


in arm, but singly, each lady alone, or side by side, if 
space permits. There is no conventional procedure in 
the matter. At an informal affair the hostess tells the 
guests where to sit, instead of having name-cards. 

There is never the same formality as at a dinner. If 
men are present they do not offer their arms to ladies 
going in to the dining-room. A host may lead the way 
walking beside a lady who is a special guest, others 
follow informally, the men allowing the ladies to pass 
in first. The hostess comes last with the husband of 
the lady who is with the host, and the remaining men 
bring up the rear, chatting together. There may be 
name-cards, or the hostess indicates where guests are to 
sit. 

At the conclusion of a luncheon a hostess rises from 
her seat, after catching the eye of a guest who under¬ 
stands the signal, and all rise. 

In summer all adjourn to the veranda and cigarettes 

are enjoyed. 

Guests are not expected to remain more than twenty 
minutes or half an hour after a luncheon unless bridge 
is to follow or some other amusement has been 
arranged. 

Standing-up luncheons are returning to favor, as 
already mentioned in this chapter, this method admit¬ 
ting of inviting a large number of guests in the country 
where there may be some special sporting event in the 
neighborhood. The service is similar to a buffet colla¬ 
tion at a wedding, but there is no elaborate food. 
Creamed oysters, chicken salad, little sandwiches, des¬ 
sert and cake are plenty, or bouillon and one of the 
substantial dishes and ice cream. Guests help them- 








94 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

selves and each other. A number of small tables, either 
in the room or on a veranda provide places where 
guests may carry their plates and sit in groups. 

When guests are leaving they shake hands with the 
hostess, and the host, if he is present, and express some 
word of pleasure, or simply say “Good-by.” When 
one guest goes, others do not linger. A hostess may 
say, I am so glad you could come,” or something 
equally cordial. She touches an electric bell to inform 
the servant to be ready to open the hall door. A host 
accompanies a lady to the hall door, orders her car 
called, and sometimes sees her into it, but, as a general 
rule, men are not at luncheons except on the informal 
occasions mentioned, on Sundays in town, or at the 
standing-up luncheons which are popular in the country, 
and the departure of guests is more or less informal 
and becomes a general scattering, but a host goes to the 
hall with them because the occasion is informal and the 
etiquette is not like a formal dinner. 


CHAPTER XI 


TEAS 

Teas with dancing are features of the winter season 
and are given usually for the “coming out” of a 
daughter. A tea with dancing may be at a private 
house or in a small ball room of a hotel. There is far 
more distinction for a hostess to have it in her own 
house if rooms are large enough to receive a number 
of people and admit of dancing. 

Invitations to formal teas are sent to the visiting list 
of a hostess. Cards are about five and a half inches 
long by three and three quarters wide, and the smartest 
have a raised margin or plate mark. The best form is: 

Mrs. Edward Griswold 
and Miss Cynthia Griswold 
will be at home 

on Saturday, the ninth of December 
from four until seven o’clock 
at Twenty-four East Eighty-first Street 

This same form is used when a tea is to be in the ball 
room of a hotel, or club, the name of the place being 
substituted for the home address. 

For a formal tea a man is engaged to call carriages 

95 


96 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

and a liveried footman opens motor doors. In rainy 
weather an awning is raised for protection. Rooms 
are provided where ladies may remove their wraps and 
where men may leave hats, overcoats and umbrellas. 
In a house which has a large entrance hall, long racks 
are provided for ladies’ wraps, and maids take charge 
of them. 

Guests leave their cards when entering the house as 
a reminder to the hostess that they have been present. 

The servant who opens the door mentions where the 
dressing-rooms are. A maid is in attendance in the 
dressing-room for ladies, to assist them with their 
wraps. A servant checks hats and overcoats for the 
men. 

Guests are expected to arrive at a tea at any time 
between four and seven o’clock. They are not expected 
to remain during the entire time specified on the invita¬ 
tion, although they are at liberty to stay as long or as 
short a time as they please. Guests do not inquire if 
the hostess is at home, but enter the house immediately 
when the door is opened. A servant stands at the 
front door to open it for arriving and departing guests 
and holds a tray to receive cards, and deposits the cards 
on a large card receiver on the hall table. 

There is an orchestra screened by palms in the hall, 
or in the room for dancing; there are flowers in lavish 
profusion. Bouquets, baskets of flowers, or cut flowers 
ai e sent to the debutante. Rooms are lighted, and win¬ 
dow-shades are drawn down. 

A man-servant stands outside of the door of the 
drawing-room and asks each guest, “What name, 
please ? and then announces to the hostess the names 


TEAS 


97 

of the guests as they enter. This assists the memory 
of the hostess. 

The hostess receives standing near the door of the 
drawing-room and greets each guest by shaking hands. 
The daughter to be introduced stands beside her 
mother. The mother wears an afternoon dress. The 
debutante wears a very simple evening dress of a pale 
color without trimming and she does not wear jewels. 
Long white kid gloves are worn by mother and 
daughter. 

Young girls who have been asked to “receive” wear 
simple evening dresses. They do not stand with the 
hostess, but move about, enjoy dancing and they are 
expected to make themselves agreeable to guests. As 
guests arrive the young people begin dancing soon 
after greeting the hostess and debutante. Older per¬ 
sons stand or sit anywhere, talking and having tea. 

Elaborate refreshments are not usually served; as a 
rule, bouillon, tea, chocolate, little sandwiches of the 
daintiest sort, cakes large and small, bonbons and fruit 
punch are offered. 

The fruit beverage is made of a rich syrup of lemon 
juice, water and sugar boiled and chilled. When cold, 
bits of fresh fruit, orange, banana, strawberries, can¬ 
died cherries are added. 

Flowers are in the centre of the table. The table 
appointments, linen, silver, china, etc., are of the 
choicest sort. 

The table is arranged as a buffet and is in charge of 
servants provided by the caterer. In one’s own house¬ 
hold the butler, footmen, or waitresses may be in 
charge. At a formal tea ladies do not preside at the 






98 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

table. Guests help themselves to sandwiches and cake. 
Cups of chocolate with whipped cream on top are 
passed on a tray by a servant. Cups of tea are passed 
on a tray, with the accompaniments of a pitcher of 
cream, sugar bowl with tongs, and a dish of sliced 
lemon. 

After an hour or more the debutante who has been 
standing with her mother to receive may enjoy dancing. 

It is customary to take leave of one’s hostess unless 
there is a great crush and she is engaged with guests. 
If it is a first visit at her house it is obligatory to take 
leave and to say something about the pleasure of the 
afternoon. 

A tea without dancing is given for some special rea¬ 
son, either for a friend from another town, or for an 
engaged couple, or it may be for a “house-warming.” 
Or a hostess may wish to get in touch with friends after 
a prolonged absence, or to have them meet a new 
daughter-in-law, or a tea may be for the purpose of 
showing, incidentally, a portrait of one of the family, 
just completed by a distinguished artist. The card of 
the hostess is sent with date and “Tea at four o’clock,” 
or “From four to seven o’clock,” written in the lower 
left-hand corner. Across the top may be written, “To 
meet Mrs. Arthur King.” 

Foi an informal tea a hostess does not stand very 
near the door, but is not too far away, and is where 
she may be found. 

If a tea is for a “house-warming,” it is usual to have 
the entire house open for the inspection of guests, who 
amuse themselves wandering upstairs and down quite 
informally. 


TEAS 


99 

At an informal tea two friends of the hostess are 
asked to “pour” tea and chocolate. They are seated 
at each end of the table in the dining-room, having 
before them the tea or chocolate service, and all the 
necessary accompaniments. The ladies who “pour” 
wear afternoon dresses and hats. 

When going to an afternoon tea in winter one may 
remove any heavy outer wrap and leave it in the dress¬ 
ing-room. One may retain one’s fur scarf. One greets 
the hostess and then moves on to give place to other 
arrivals, talks to friends and goes to the dining-room 
to have tea without waiting to be asked. 

A hostess may say, “You will find Miss Lawrence in 
the dining-room pouring tea,” or, “Will you go in and 
have a cup of tea?” but a hostess does not accompany 
guests. Tea is served continuously during the after¬ 
noon. 

A guest is expected to ask for a cup of tea or choco¬ 
late whether she knows the ladies who are “pouring” 
or not. She may say, “May I have a cup of choco- 
late?” But the deputy-hostesses are supposed to be 
alert to offer the beverages and to have most gracious 
manners. The individual taste of each guest is asked, 
as to whether tea is preferred weak or strong, with or 
without sugar and cream. Besides the care of the 
material needs of the guests those who preside should 
be able to talk easily and brightly with them. 

The ladies who “pour” should know how to give a 
quiet order to servants and see that they are prompt to 
remove soiled china and bring fresh cups and saucers. 

A visitor may draw up a chair and take her tea at 
the table, if she wishes to talk with one of the ladies 







ioo EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

who are “pouring,” or she may prefer to sit elsewhere 
in the room with a friend. Chairs are not placed regu¬ 
larly at the table but are in readiness to be drawn up. 
No one stays long at the table, but relinquishes her 
chair to another person who arrives. 

At the close of the afternoon the hostess should 
express her appreciation to the friends who have 
acted as deputy-hostesses. 

Some of the most enjoyable teas are the most infor¬ 
mal. The hostess may have the tea service on a small 
table in her drawing-room and pour out the beverage 
herself, just as she does at the every-day familiar tea. 
A “tea-wagon” is never used. She may send her card 
to a few friends and write across the top, “Will you 
come in on Friday for tea?” It is understood that the 
every-day hour is five o’clock. 

In small houses or apartments where few servants 
are kept a small tea-table may be placed for the after¬ 
noon in a corner of the drawing-room, with teacups 
and other things in readiness, but in most cases a 
folding tea-table is brought in by a servant and placed 
before any chair or sofa where the hostess may be 
seated. A white linen cloth is thrown over it, and then 
the tray is carried in and placed on the table with all 
the necessary things for tea, the urn, teapot, sugar- 
bowl and sugar tongs, cream jug, tea caddy, cups and 
saucers. Teaspoons are on the saucers, not in a holder. 
The urn, or hot water kettle, is of silver and rests 
over an alcohol lamp. Cut sugar is used. Guests sit 
near the tea-table, or take their cup of tea and carry 
it to another part of the room if they are talking with 
friends. Little tea plates are in a pile on the table, 


TEAS 


IOI 


each plate with its tiny napkin folded on it, and each 
plate is taken up with its napkin. 

A little English “muffin table,” called a “curate’s 
assistant,” or “curate,” consisting of three tiers, and 
which is easily lifted by the handle, is also used for 
holding plates of cakes, toast, hot muffins, etc. 

The name originated in England, where “curates” 
were sure to be present at tea and made themselves 
useful by passing the little table and putting it back in 
its place. If a gentleman is present he always lifts 
the “curate” and hands it about. The cups of tea are 
handed to ladies by men who are present or by the lady 
presiding at the tea-table. 

Small individual tables with glass tops are very con¬ 
venient for tea and are put beside each guest by a 
servant, who then leaves the room and does not return 
unless summoned by the hostess, who rings, if necessary. 

The room may be made attractive with flowers in 
vases on mantel and tables. A sparkling wood fire on 
the hearth adds very much to the good cheer. Care 
should be taken not to allow the atmosphere to be over¬ 
heated or too heavy with the fragrance of flowers. 

Sandwiches are in great variety. Skill and refine¬ 
ment, a knowledge of delicious combinations which 
will please the palate, an eye for pretty effects in 
shapes, and the neatest and daintiest of methods, are 
among the secrets of success in making a sandwich. 
The use of the very best butter and materials is of 
importance. Fanciful shapes are the diamond and 
heart for card parties. Strips, triangles and circles 
are favorites for teas. Among the various kinds are 
the cream cheese, nasturtium, chopped salted almond, 



102 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

walnut, sardine, anchovy, cucumber, lettuce and olive 
sandwich. The golf sandwich is cut round with a 
biscuit cutter and is of brown bread spread with 
chopped olives, minced lettuce and watercress, tarra¬ 
gon, paprika, parsley and chives, mixed with mayon¬ 
naise. Another delicious kind is of potted chicken, 
mixed with the yolk of hard-boiled egg, cream and 
onion juice; and still another is of anchovy paste min¬ 
gled with cheese and mustard. The aesthetic sandwich 
is the rose, the violet, or nasturtium by name and is 
made by shutting fresh, unsalted butter in a tight jar 
with the flowers for several hours. The butter absorbs 
the flavor and is spread on the bread which has been 
treated in the same manner. Home-made bread, a 
day old, is cut as thin as a wafer for sandwiches and 
the crusts are not used. The end of the loaf is spread 
with butter and then sliced off with a sharp knife and 
the crusts are cut off. 

Jam sandwiches are made of raspberry, orange, 
quince or spiced currants and are rolled. 

A secret of success when giving a tea is to have tea 
of superior quality, delicate flavor and perfectly made. 
Water should be boiling when poured on the tea. The 
teapot should be scalded with boiling water before the 
tea is placed in it. A teaspoonful of tea for each per¬ 
son and one for the pot is the rule. Tea which is 
brewed in a china teapot is supposed to be better than 
when made in a silver teapot. It may be made in one 
and poured into the other for serving. Tea should 
be poured a few moments after the infusion is made. 
It is discomforting to a guest to be given tea that is 
bitter from long standing, or tasteless, weak and 


TEAS 


103 


watery. It has not “the power of calm, placid and 
benignant exhilaration” which is its rightful claim. 
“Life is a success,” said a critic, “in a house where tea 
is brewed to perfection.” The mistress of a household 
is thereby proved to be a thoughtful provider of essen¬ 
tials. She understands the philosophy of life in dis¬ 
pensing hospitalities. 

The old custom of having days at home, or large 
receptions, and sending out cards for two or four after¬ 
noons in a chosen month of the winter, has disappeared 
and may never be restored as a permanent fashion, at 
least in New York. No reason exists to prevent the 
custom from being revived in other cities or smaller 
towns where life may not be so complicated. 


CHAPTER XII 


CARD PARTIES, MUSICALS AND THEATRE PARTIES 

A hostess who proposes to have a card party should 
be reasonably sure that her guests will be rather equally 
matched as players. 

Invitations are by telephone or note, or the card of 
the hostess may do duty with the words, “Bridge at 
4 o’clock,” written on the card, with the date and 
“R.s.v.p.” Guests are expected to reply without delay 
to an invitation to a card party, so that a hostess may 
know how many to expect, or may fill the places of 
those who are unable to come. Tables and chairs in 
sufficient number to accommodate guests are arranged 
in the rooms. A dressing-room where ladies may leave 
their wraps should be provided. Their hats are not 
removed at an afternoon party. Gloves are removed 
when playing cards. 

The hostess usually decides where guests are to be 
seated at tables, and after greeting them directs them 
to their places. Tables are usually filled as guests 
arrive and late comers must be content to be assigned 
quickly. A more formal way is to have lists of names 
and assign guests to certain tables. Name-cards may 
be used as at a dinner. 

The limit of time for playing is two hours, and 

104 


CARD PARTIES AND MUSICALS 105 

when the time is approaching or over, the hostess 
announces the fact and distributes the prizes. 

A card party is an easy form of entertainment, for 
the reason that guests amuse themselves, and the 
friendly rivalry in prize-winning adds to the zest of 
the occasion. Photograph frames, silver trifles for 
desk or dressing-table, books, silk work-bags, handker¬ 
chief cases, china, glass, leather or other useful or orna¬ 
mental articles are given. The best taste is in not 
displaying extravagance in the selection of prizes. 

The hostess does not always play, but if she prefers 
to play and should win a prize, she gives it to a guest. 

Some people prefer to play for money and those 
who do may make up their own tables, a few tables 
being reserved for that purpose, but high stakes are 
not usual at a card party and friends who play together 
are supposed to understand each other’s game, and the 
circumstances of each, otherwise there would be no 
pleasure in a game without a feeling of equality among 
players. 

A hostess may include many guests in one afternoon 
by sending invitations for a card party for three o’clock 
to those who would like to play cards, and sending 
cards for tea at five to others who are averse to card 
playing but who may be glad to come in later, infor¬ 
mally. 

Simplicity and informality seem to go hand-in-hand 
with true hospitality. Striving after effects, efforts in 
elaboration or novelty in feast or decoration seldom 
bring satisfaction to hostess or pleasure to guests. A 
hostess with originality, experience and executive ability 
may plan and carry out all sorts of novel schemes in 


106 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 


entertainment successfully, but, unless very sure of her 
powers, it is wise to keep to simple things rather than 
to try innovations. 

The most delightful gatherings are those where con¬ 
genial friends are brought together and where the 
spirit of hospitality reigns. 

An afternoon may be varied by having music, recita¬ 
tions or readings by clever professionals or amateurs. 
The words, “Music,” or “Recitations,” should be on 
the cards issued. 

Guests are expected to enter quietly if music or reci¬ 
tations have begun and greet the hostess who may be 
standing near the door. If seated, the hostess rises to 
welcome guests, and they are expected to take seats 
if chairs are near or to stand until the musical selec¬ 
tion or recitation is finished. If the occasion is very 
informal, seats are not arranged in rows, the usual 
furniture of the room being sufficient. If many guests 
are to be present, folding chairs are hired and the 
room is filled with these in rows. The programme is 
usually in two parts, with an intermission for conversa¬ 
tion. Afterwards everyone rises and moves about and 
servants fold and remove the chairs. 

Tea is then served in the dining-room, according to 
the suggestion given for informal teas in the preceding 
chapter. 

The same manner of serving tea is followed after a 
card party. 

Very simple things may be served at an evening card 
party, although there is no law of limitation. Cold 
salmon with mayonnaise sauce, hot croquettes of 


CARD PARTIES AND MUSICALS 107 

chicken or lobster, salads, ices, cake and fruit punch 
would be an abundance and less would suffice. 

A most popular diversion is to ask people to dine 
and go to the play. Invitations may be by telephone, 
note or formal cards. A hostess chooses a new play 
and secures tickets in advance, the central orchestra 
seats being preferred. She may take her guests in 
taxis, if she has not her own car. If she has her own 
car and more guests than it can hold she may take the 
ladies in her car and have taxis for the men. 

The tickets are given in charge of one person in 
the party, some man in the family preferably. At 
the theatre he precedes the ladies, and gives the checks 
to an usher. The hostess should tell her guests in 
advance how they are to be seated, who is to be next 
to who, consequently they enter the seats in regular 
order according to her directions, the gentlemen not 
waiting to be the last, as that would mean that they 
would have to pass along in front of ladies in their 
seats. 

Large parties for young people are managed by 
asking them to assemble at the house of the hostess, 
but a convenient fashion adopted by some hostesses 
for a theatre party and dance is to send a ticket to 
each guest, after an acceptance has been received. 
With the ticket is the card of the hostess, having the 
words written on it, “Please meet me in the lobby of 

the-Theatre at 8 115, and order motor for 1130.” 

The hostess is in the lobby to collect her guests. The 
more courteous method is to have guests meet at her 
house. Motor busses may be chartered to take guests 
to and from the theatre. A small dance and a supper 



io8 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 


are given after the play, either at the house of the 
hostess or in a small ball room of a hotel. 

It is not considered good taste to take young people 
to a cabaret and hostesses of distinction observe this 
rule. 


4 


CHAPTER XIII 

GARDEN PARTIES AND OTHER OUTDOOR FESTIVALS 

A garden party is merely an afternoon tea out-of- 
doors. It has the charm of a picturesque background, 
a freedom from artificiality and everyone finds pleasure 
in the scene. The love for gardens is an increasing 
interest throughout our country. The making of beau¬ 
tiful gardens is a joy and those who have them like to 
invite their friends to see and to wander through won¬ 
derful terraced and Italian gardens, and to enjoy the 
exquisite color schemes in foliage and flowers. 

Stately, formal gardens, beautiful lawns and fine 
trees may add to the attractions of a tea but a pleasant 
one may be given in a small, unpretentious place suffi¬ 
ciently excluded from public gaze. A good lawn, a 
few shade trees, a very simple garden and a hospitable 
hostess are the chief requisites. 

Where gardens are spacious a garden party admits 
of offering hospitality to a large number of people 
whom it might not be convenient to invite except at 
this sort of a gathering. Persons of all ages may be 
included if a hostess wishes. 

Fair skies and sunshine are essential parts of a suc¬ 
cessful garden party, but the weather cannot be 
ordered, and if it proves unfavorable there is nothing 
to do but to make the best of it and have the reception 

in the house. Guests are expected to come even though 

109 


no EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 


the afternoon is cloudy and skies are threatening, and 
nothing but a storm should prevent them from arriving. 

Invitations are issued a week in advance, but a few 
days’ notice would be sufficient unless the affair is to 
be elaborate. As a general rule the visiting card of 
the hostess is used with the date and hour written in 
the lower corner. The words, “Garden Party,’’ may 
be added. The hours are four to seven o’clock, but 
may be according to the preference of a hostess. 

At an elaborate garden party a large tent, or mar¬ 
quee, with a dancing floor, is put up on the lawn, close 
to the veranda. This is a convenience in case of rain. 
The tent has side curtains which may be dropped, or 
easily raised. An orchestra is within the tent, or near 
it, and, in good weather the orchestra should be placed 
v/here the music can be heard by guests who are on 
the lawn, as well as by those who are dancing. There 
may be several large tents of brilliant colors on the 
lawn, with tables and chairs. On the lawn and under 
trees should be a good supply of small tables and 
groups of chairs. Rugs are spread on the grass where 
tables and chairs are placed for guests who may be 
afraid of dampness. 

Owing to uncertainty of weather it is never advisable 
to prepare to serve the whole of the refreshments 
out-of-doors. Strawberries and cream, ice cream and 
iced beverages may be served from a table out-of- 
doors, but tea, chocolate and the rest are invariably 
served within doors in the dining-room. 

The food may be substantial salads, little sand¬ 
wiches, grapes, peaches and other fruit, or strawberries 
and cream in strawberry season, ice cream and cake, 


GARDEN PARTIES 


111 


or a few simple things. Hot tea and chocolate are 
served and iced tea, iced coffee with rich cream, and 
always there are plenty of large pitchers of fruit punch 
with mint leaves, to take the place of the more delect¬ 
able claret cup, which is a thing of the past. 

Large trays holding a variety of refreshments are 
carried to the lawn by servants, and guests hold the 
plates in their hands and put glasses on the little tables. 
Servants should be instructed to serve things quickly, 
and to remove promptly everything that is not fresh 
and clean from the tables. 

Guests arrive at the front door and may go in the 
house to leave their wraps in the hall or a dressing- 
room. A servant is in attendance to direct guests to 
the part of the lawn where the hostess is receiving, 
as she prefers usually to receive out-of-doors on an 
occasion of this description, if the weather is propitious. 
She wears an afternoon dress and a hat. She may re¬ 
ceive with her husband, but she is usually alone, and 
her husband, daughters, and possibly one or two inti¬ 
mate friends, are detailed to look after guests, and 
show any necessary courtesies. 

During the afternoon a hostess tries to keep a con¬ 
spicuous position, so that guests may easily find her, 
but she has the privilege of moving about among them. 
It is not obligatory for them to take leave formally, 
especially at a very large garden party, when the 
hostess is occupied, but, if possible, they will like to 
gratify her by the opportunity to pay a special compli¬ 
ment to the beauty of her gardens in a word of leave- 

taking. 

Horticultural associations and garden clubs are mat- 


112 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

ters in which people who have fine estates and gardens 
are deeply interested. Great competition is in raising 
beautiful flowers and fine vegetables and in making the 
best exhibits at flower shows, and the most attractive 
arrangement in grouping. Fetes and flower shows are 
held on the lawns of private residences, or the exhibi¬ 
tions are at a casino or other convenient place. Peren¬ 
nials, annuals, hot-house and garden flowers are shown, 
and wild flowers representing the flora of the region. 
There are Japanese gardens, water and rock gardens. 
Prizes are offered and awards made to successful 
competitors. 

Arrangements of flowers in vases for the decoration 
of dinner tables are among the subjects judged. 

Guests are invited to the exhibition and the after¬ 
noon closes with tea served either out-or-doors or 
within. An exhibition of a public nature may have a 
charge of admission, the proceeds to go to a charity. 

Owners of large estates often open their grounds 
in summer for the benefit of a charity. Women who 
are interested are asked to form a committee to 
organize and carry out a bazaar, or country fair or 
festival. At a fete given at a large country house for 
the benefit of a hospital there was a fair on the lawn 
where sheep, dogs, kittens and pigeons were offered 
for sale, the young girls selling the kittens exacting 
that the pets must have good homes. The sales-tables 
had useful and fancy articles of every sort. 

“Street fairs” in New York and Providence in the 
early summer have earned a distinctive success, as well 
as large sums for charities. These enterprises are 
under the patronage of prominent women who enlist 


GARDEN PARTIES 113 

the services, also the contributions of their friends. 
Practically nearly all of the expenses are met in ad¬ 
vance, and the receipts are a large profit. Young 
women and girls, as well as men and older women are 
keen in arranging for these fairs. 

Forty or more committees are required for a “Street 
fair,” which is, necessarily, planned on a large scale. 
Gayly painted high board fences surround the part of 
the street or streets set apart for the purpose. Gay 
awnings, flags and banners, and lanterns of bright 
green, red and yellow aid in giving a carnival effect 
to the scene. Pavilions are placed for dancing and 
where tea, dinner and supper are served. There are 
booths for the sale of hats, parasols, veils, fans and 
other accessories of dress, dolls dressed in the latest 
fashion; booths for candy, cigarettes, lemonade, soda 
water and ice cream; and for household articles, silver, 
china, glass, towels and kitchen utensils. Pushcarts 
piled high with fresh vegetables and fruit may be a 
feature of a “Street fair,” “hawkers” calling out their 
wares. At a rustic dairy milk, cream, butter, eggs 
and cheese are offered, the more substantial things 
being put up in fancy baskets. There may be side¬ 
shows where fortunes are told and portraits are taken. 
The girls in charge of the booths and pushcaits wear 
fancy costumes. 






CHAPTER XIV 


MANNERS AT THE TABLE 

A quaint book of etiquette tells that the fork was 
unknown at table in mediaeval times, and later it was 
admired as a work of art rather than made for use. 
In the early seventeenth century, at the tables of the 
rich, each guest had his glass, but the glasses were not 
placed on the table but on a sideboard and called for 
when needed. It was not until the middle of the 
eighteenth century that a glass found its place at the 
table at the guest’s right hand. 

Costly table cloths and splendid silver were used in 
Queen Elizabeth’s reign. After a meal hands were 
rinsed in rose-water. 

The refinements of the table were not practised by 
Dr. Johnson, who, we are told, “ate strenuously and 
with avidity.” We remember George Eliot's sarcasm 
in mentioning someone’s aversion to Mr. Casaubon, in 
Middlemarch, because he made a noise when eating 
soup. 

There is no place where a person’s good breeding 
and early training are more clearly shown than at the 
table. Peculiarities of manner which might elsewhere 
pass without criticism are not there allowable. Con¬ 
duct must be marked by serenity, and there must be 
no uncertainty of manner, but an easy knowledge of 
the use of all the belongings of the table. 


MANNERS AT THE TABLE 


115 

A well-bred person does not draw his chair so near 
the table that he has to lean back in it, nor does he 
sit too far away. The best position is that the chest 
or waist is about six or seven inches from the table. 
It is ungraceful and too familiar to lean the elbows on 
the table. 

The correct position is to sit rather erect, and when 
eating not to lean over the plate too far, but to raise 
the spoon or fork to the mouth, and not sit with bent 
shoulders. 

A very important thing in attitude is to keep the 
feet together, and not assume awkward positions with 
them, or hook them, round the legs of the chair, as 
some ill-mannered persons have been seen to do. 

When not engaged in eating, the hands should be 
kept down quietly in the lap. It is rude to play with 
articles on the table, to mark on the tablecloth with 
fork or knife, to toy with a glass or twirl it about, 
or to have any of the mannerisms which betray nervous¬ 
ness or a lack of training. 

When taking one’s seat at table one takes up the 
napkin, and lays the napkin partly unfolded across 
the lap. 

A former fashion was to have the roll within the 
napkin, but at present the custom is to have rolls or 
thick pieces of bread passed as soon as soup is served. 

A person who is well-bred is careful to eat slowly 
and with the mouth closed, and does not make any 
sounds when eating or drinking, and is especially care¬ 
ful not to talk while food is in the mouth. 

If grape-fruit is served an orange spoon would be 
at the right. 


11 6 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

Oysters on the shell are eaten whole, and a small 
oyster-fork is provided at the right. 

Soup is taken from the side of the spoon. It is 
the worst form possible to point the spoon toward the 
mouth. Care should be observed not to take more 
than three-quarters of a spoonful, otherwise a too 
full spoon may cause an untidy dripping. To sip soup 
with a hissing noise is unpardonable, and to tilt the 
soup-plate to secure the last spoonful is bad form. 
When taking up the soup the movement of the spoon 

is outward, not toward one. 

Neither soup nor fish is ever offered twice, therefore 
it is not allowable to ask for a second serving. 

The silver fish-knife and fork are now in general use, 
the knife being necessary in separating the bones from 
the fish. A story is told of how the fish-knife came in 
fashion. A well-known diner-out in London discarded 
the customary crust of bread, took up two forks and 
proceeded to use them in the fish course. His example 
was followed by others and the result was that the 
convenient fish-knife and fork w T ere soon invented. 

The fork farthest from the plate is to be used as 
each course is served. 

A small portion of meat is cut as required, the knife 
being retained in the right hand, the fork in the left, 
the fork held with the prongs turned down, the handle 
of the fork resting in the palm of the hand while 
cutting food or conveying it to the mouth. 

All vegetables, peas, tomatoes, etc., are eaten with’ 
a fork. 

When eating vegetables the knife is laid on the 
plate, the blade resting near the centre. The knife 


”7 


MANNERS AT THE TABLE 

must not be placed across the edge of the plate, nor 
with the handle resting on the table. The fork is then 
taken in the right hand, the prongs turned up, the han¬ 
dle of the fork resting easily on the hand between the 
first finger and the thumb. If need be, a crust of 
bread may be used with the left hand to press a morsel 
of food toward the fork. When cutting meat the 
finger must never rest on the blade of the knife but on 
the handle. 

Odd methods of holding the fork should be avoided. 
Only a very ignorant person would grasp the fork in 
the fist, “emigrant fashion,” and hold it up perpendicu¬ 
larly and cut across'it with the knife. The fork is 
raised laterally to the mouth. It is awkward to crook 
or project the elbow and not well-bred to point the 
fork toward the mouth. Very little food at a time 
should be taken on the fork. When one has finished 
eating the knife and fork are placed close together in 
the centre of the plate, the prongs of the fork turned up. 

An important rule is never to raise the fork in the 
air when pausing for conversation, never to use it as 
a method of accentuating or emphasizing one’s words. 
A reprehensible habit is to mash food with a fork or 
turn up the concave side of the fork and load it with 
food pressed upon it by the knife. 

Some entrees, such as cutlets or soft-shell crabs, 
require the aid of a knife for cutting, but for patties, 
timbales, sweetbreads or croquettes a fork only is used. 

A potato is broken open with the fork, never cut or 
touched with the knife. Baked potato skins are put on 
one side of one’s plate, unless a small plate is pro¬ 
vided for the purpose. 


118 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

Artichokes are broken apart a leaf at a time, dipped 
in sauce and lifted with the fingers, and the edible part 
is bitten off. Artichokes and asparagus are served as 
separate courses, and the sauce is passed in a sauce-boat 
with spoon for serving. 

Asparagus may be taken up in the fingers by the 
stalks, but the later custom is to cut off the points with 
knife and fork. 

Corn on the cob is never served except for a family 
dinner or at country hotels. If one insists on eating 
it in a restaurant, at least it need not be eaten voraci¬ 
ously, either there or at home. 

Vegetables are not served in small side dishes, or 
saucers, but are taken on the plate with the meat, and 
a fork is used for eating all vegetables, including peas 
and stewed tomatoes. 

It is taken for granted that on formal occasions a 
plate is never passed for a second helping, but at home, 
or a very informal meal, when carving may be done 
at the table, this is allowable. In that case the knife 
and fork are left on the plate, placed close together. 
During any pause in eating the knife and fork should 
never rest partly on the plate with the handles on the 
table, but must be on the plate. 

When drinking water the mouth is lightly touched 
first with the napkin, and one takes a sip of water at a 
time, not a glassful. If the water is served in a goblet, 
one should hold the glass by the stem, not by the bowl. 

Lettuce should be cut with a fork, the portion of the 
leaf rolled up and thus eaten. A small stalk of celery 
is taken up in the fingers to be eaten. Soft cheeses 
should be eaten with a fork, or a morsel may be put 





MANNERS AT THE TABLE 


119 

on a piece of bread with a knife and thus conveyed to 
the mouth with the fingers. It is allowable to take up 
a morsel of cheese in the fingers, but it is best to use 
a fork. 

Small birds, such as quail and squab, are served 
whole, one for each person, and one cuts the meat from 
the breast and eats each piece at the time of cutting it. 

Whenever possible a fork should be used for dessert 
in preference to a spoon. The dessert spoon is for 
berries, peaches and cream, preserves, custards, jellies, 
etc. 

The fork is used for so many things that a witty 
person once remarked that he took “everything with it 
except afternoon tea.” 

An olive is taken up in the fingers to be eaten with a 
few bites without taking the stone in the mouth. 

With the dessert plate is brought the small silver to 
be used for dessert. One removes the silver, laying it 
down at the right and left. After the dessert, the fruit 
plate is brought. A finger-bowl rests on the plate, and 
one removes the finger-bowl and the tiny doily which is 
beneath it, placing them at the left on the table. 

Pears, apples or peaches should be peeled with a 
silver knife, cut in quarters and the pieces taken up in 
the fingers. Fruit which is very juicy had best be eaten 
with a fork. After peeling a banana it is best to cut 
the fruit in pieces and eat them with a fork. Oranges 
are cut in half and the juice taken with an orange spoon. 

Watermelon is served as a separate course at dessert 
and is eaten with a fork. 

When grapes are eaten the seeds and skins must be 
removed quietly with the fingers. 



120 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

Cherry stones may be disposed of quietly behind the 
half-closed hand by allowing them to fall into the fin¬ 
gers. This applies to fresh cherries. Preserved cher¬ 
ries are eaten with a dessert spoon, and the stones must 
be unobtrusively removed from one’s mouth into the 
spoon and placed at the side of the plate. 

Plums are taken in the fingers of the right hand and 
a few bites of the fruit are taken without taking the 
stone in the mouth. 

If cake is served at dessert one takes it on the plate 
with the dessert, breaks off a small piece and takes it 
up in the fingers to eat. 

Before leaving the table one dips the tips of the 
fingers lightly in the finger-bowl, one hand at a time, 
and dries the fingers on the napkin, and may touch the 
moist finger-tips to the lips, and touch a corner of the 
napkin to the lips. 

When rising from the table one leaves the napkin 
unfolded at the left of one’s plate. In every-day home 
life it may not be the custom to have fresh napkins at 
each meal. In that case one may fold the napkin, but 
if dining out one never folds the napkin, as it is taken 
for granted that a napkin must be laundered before 
being used again. If visiting at a friend’s house and 
uncertain what to do it is best to watch the hostess and 
do as she does, but in most households it is usual to 
have fresh napkins at dinner every day. 

A hostess rises first and the others rise simultane¬ 
ously. A hostess does not use any set phrase at such 
a moment, but merely rises slowly while making any 
ordinary remark, and after catching the eye of one of 
the ladies. 


MANNERS AT THE TABLE 


I 2 I 


One should be seated from the side of the chair 
which is nearest when approaching, and may rise from 
either side, or from the side nearest to the exit from 
the dining-room, as it is awkward to rise and walk 
round one’s chair. The chair should not be pushed 
back in place after one has risen from the table, that 
being the duty of a servant when re-arranging the 
furniture. 

It is not polite to appear to be in haste to begin 
eating, but it is allowable to begin when served. It 
is not polite to continue to eat after others have 
finished. 

The accepted rule is that it is allowable to take the 
last piece from a dish if it is offered, as a refusal to 
take it implies lack of faith in further supplies from 
the larder of one’s hostess. However, one is at liberty 
to decline without feeling that the refusal would offend. 

A hostess or host should observe whether any guest 
has not finished and may even simulate eating, rather 
than stop and appear to be either in haste to finish 
the meal, or the course, or bored to be compelled to 
wait. 

Coffee is sometimes served before leaving the table, 
but the better custom is to have it passed later in the 
drawing-room. In either case the small coffee-cups, 
sugar and cream are passed on the tray. A small 
coffee-spoon is laid on each saucer. 

Accidents will happen occasionally at table. If a 
fork, spoon, or knife should fall on the floor it must 
be allowed to remain there until removed by a servant. 
If a glass is overturned it is best not to make profuse 
apologies. As for the hostess she should never appear 


122 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

disturbed and must bear herself with equanimity and 
not appear to notice the accident, or may turn off the 
subject with a kind remark if a guest seems distressed. 

It may seem unnecessary to warn those who aim to 
have good manners that under no circumstances should 
chop bones, chicken bones, or game be taken up in the 
fingers to “pick” a delectable morsel. 

Salt is never distributed on the food on one’s plate. 
A little salt is taken from a salt cellar with a salt spoon 
and placed on the side of the plate and used as required 
on portions of food, by touching the portion in the salt. 

Bad habits at table are crumbling bread, or eating 
it between courses as though one were hungry. 

An unpardonable habit is to leave a teaspoon in a 
cup even for a moment. The spoon may be used to 
stir the tea only a moment, and it is then placed 
on the saucer. A sip of tea at a time is taken from 
the cup which is then put down. It is not good manners 
to take sips of tea or coffee with the spoon. One taste 
of the beverage may be taken with the spoon, but not 
more. An ill-mannered habit is to lean the elbow on 
the table and hold the cup and take repeated sips from 
it. These small things indicate neglect in early training. 

The use of a tooth-pick is reserved strictly for the 
privacy of one’s room. 

At breakfast or luncheon a small bread and butter 
plate may be placed at the left of each place at the 
table. A slice of bread should never be spread with 
butter; one breaks off a small piece of the bread, butters 
it and eats it. Butter is not used at dinner, unless 
baked potatoes are served; neither is a bread plate 


MANNERS AT THE TABLE 


123 

used at dinner, unless when needed for baked potato 
skins, and this is only at a family meal. 

It is never proper to take “bites” out of bread, rolls, 
biscuits or cake. The correct way is to break off a 
small piece at a time. 

The correct way to eat a boiled egg is to place it in 
a small egg-cup which holds the egg on end and eat 
the egg from the shell, cracking the large end with the 
spoon and taking off a piece of shell large enough to 
admit the egg-spoon. 

At luncheon bouillon is served in cups and is taken 
with a spoon; the spoon may be put down, and the cup 
raised to the lips for the last spoonfuls. 

At breakfast, informal luncheon or the informal 
Sunday evening supper a hostess pours coffee, tea or 
chocolate, having the silver service and cups and saucers 
before her on a silver tray. The servant takes each 
cup and saucer from the hostess and passes it on a 
small tray to each guest. 

It is not correct to ring a bell to announce a meal. 
A servant should come to where the hostess is and say, 
“Luncheon is served.” 

If this form cannot be conveniently followed in 
every-day living at least the household may observe 
punctuality at meals. 

If it is necessary to leave the table, to take a train, 
to answer a telephone, or to keep an engagement, one 
should say, “May I be excused?” 


I 


CHAPTER XV 

APPOINTMENTS OF THE TABLE 

Nothing adds more to the success and cheerfulness 
of a dinner than an artistically arranged table where 
harmony of color has been studied and a pleasing effect 
is produced to the eye when entering the room. 

The best rule to follow in table decoration is to aim 
at simplicity, not to overload a table with ornamenta¬ 
tion of any sort and to avoid an appearance of 
confusion. 

Table linen must be white, spotless and of finest 
damask, glass sparkling, silver and cutlery well pol¬ 
ished. In laying the table the thick interlining should 
be spread and the table-cloth laid over it with extreme 
care, the cloth having been perfectly ironed and folded 
so that the lines will divide the table exactly at right 
angles. This serves as a guide in placing a centre¬ 
piece and arranging covers symmetrically. 

Table-cloths exquisite in design or enriched with lace 
are used at formal dinners or luncheons. A popular 
fashion is to use a lace centrepiece on a mahogany 
table, instead of a table-cloth. 

The word “cover” signifies the place laid at table 
for each person. At each place is a plate w: f h a plainly 
folded napkin. It is contrary to etiquette to arrange 
napkins in fancy shapes. The small silver and cutlery 

124 


APPOINTMENTS OF THE TABLE 125 

are placed according to the number of courses to be 
served. As a general rule three forks are at the left, 
and at the right are one or two steel bladed knives 
and a silver knife, if there is to be a fish course. A 
tablespoon to be used for soup is at the right of the 
knives, and an oyster fork, if oysters on the shell are 
to be served; an orange spoon, if grape-fruit is to be 
served. The silver and knives must be very evenly 
arranged, forks and spoons right side up, the blades 
of the knives turned toward the plates. Glasses are 
grouped uniformly at the right, slightly toward the 
tips of the knives. The covers at the head and foot 
of the table and those at the sides should be directly 
opposite to each other. 

Round tables are the preferred fashion and when 
giving a dinner a round table-top may be hired for the 
occasion. 

The choice of flowers for the centre of the table is 
limited only by what may be one’s resources. Flowers 
that are seasonable are always in good taste. Roses, 
hyacinths, jonquils, daffodils, white lilacs, tulips, chrys¬ 
anthemums, carnations or lilies-of-the-valley are beau¬ 
tiful. 

Rules to be followed for decorations of the table 
are simplicity and balance. If a room is simple the 
table should not have an elaborate arrangement. If 
the table is long a bowl of flowers in the centre and 
two bowls of fruit make a good effect. Harmony in 
effects may be studied and the art of arranging a table 
may be cultivated by observation and by experimenting. 
If no flowers can be obtained, an ornamental piece of 
silver, a choice heirloom, may do service, or fruit may 


126 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 


be on a silver dish. Bunches of grapes on a dish with 
green leaves are rich in color. 

Fancy pieces from a confectioner’s are not used, nor 
are ribbons or other artificial decorations in good taste. 
Dishes of artificial fruit are undesirable. 

In summer very charming and simple decorations 
for the table may be easily managed. Ferns, wild- 
flowers and feathery grasses may be had in profusion 
and there is no excuse if a table is not gay with them or 
with garden flowers. The delicate blossoms of the 
wild white carrot are exquisite in grace and very 
effective when grouped with scarlet geraniums or ferns. 
A bowl or pitcher of silver or a plain low bowl of glass 
or china, without decoration, will make a good flower- 
holder. A perfectly plain glass pitcher of good 
proportions, or a high plain vase makes a good setting 
for branches of apple blossoms. 

There may be two compotiers or dishes holding fruit. 
Other appointments may be small dishes, placed sym¬ 
metrically and containing bonbons. Salt-cellars with 
salt spoons and pepper pots of silver stand side by side 
at the four corners of the table, or within easy reach 
of every two persons. 

On the serving table should be placed the plates for 
salad and dessert, extra silver, finger-bowls resting on 
dainty plates having a fine doily between the finger-bowl 
and plate, a carafe of iced water, a plate of rolls or 
bread; all should be in readiness so that no delays may 
occur. The after-dinner coffee service is retained in 
the pantry until required. 

The small silver for dessert is never placed on the 
table when it is being laid for dinner, but is brought 


APPOINTMENTS OF THE TABLE 127 

with the dessert plates or placed just before serving 
dessert. A dessert spoon and a dessert foik. aie 

brought. 

All extra silver, salt-cellars and pepper-pots are 
removed on a silver tray before the dessert is served. 
Pieces of bread or rolls are removed on a plate with a 
fork, and crumbs are removed by being brushed with a 
folded napkin into a fresh plate. The dessert plates 
are replaced after the dessert course with those on 
which are the finger-bowls. A tiny doily is under each 
finger-bowl. The finger-bowls are less than half filled 
with water. A small leaf of the fragrant rose gera¬ 
nium or a sprig of lemon-verbena, or a few violets may 

be in each. 

Finger-bowls of very choice glass have glass plates 
to match. The way to arrange them is to place the 
glass plate on a dessert plate, a tiny doily on the glass 
plate and on this rests the finger-bowl. One is expected 
to remove the finger-bowl and doily to the left and to 
take one’s dessert on the glass plate. Aftei dessert the 
servant removes the glass plate. Fruit and bonbons 
are then passed and are taken on the dessert plate. 

An important consideration is the lighting of the 
table. The electric side lights from the walls should 
be softened. The more becoming lights are from tall 
single candlesticks placed at regular intervals on the 
table. Old-fashioned Sheffield candelabra are treasures 
to be used. They do not require shades on the candles, 
as the flame will be above the eyes. Tall, massive 
candlesticks look well with very tall candles which are 
not shaded. If candlesticks are not high enough they 
have candle shades, the choice of color being governed 


128 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

by the scheme for the evening; pink shades when pink 
flowers are used, red when decorations are holly or 
scarlet poinsettias; white with white flowers. Candle¬ 
sticks stand near the corners or sides of the table, four 
or six are used. Candelabra may be in the centre on 
either side of the flowers which form a centrepiece. 

Beautiful effects are made with a low centrepiece 
with flowers, and four tall vases with flowers near the 
corners of the table for a luncheon. Low decorations 
for the centre and high effects toward the sides or 
corners are best. 

Other beautiful ornaments are silver baskets for 
fruit, flowers, or bonbons. 

Casters are never used. They are relegate^ to 
oblivion. Small cruets for oil and vinegar may be 
passed at home, but never at a dinner. Mustard, 
horseradish and the like are on the sideboard and 
passed when required. Colored cloths or colored 
doilies are never used. Other things not allowable 
are individual butter plates, or salt-shakers, or salt- 
holders, spoon-holders, or a brush for crumbs. 

On the sideboard in a dining-room is usually kept 
during the day the large silver which is in daily use, 
namely, tea set, coffee-pot, fruit dish, compotiers, etc., 
and any ornamental pieces of silver suited to a dining¬ 
room—candlesticks, trays, etc. 

It is not correct to have the table set between meals. 
It is customary to have everything removed, the table¬ 
cloth folded and put away. On the table may be a 
handsome cover, or a linen centrepiece, and a dish 
of fruit. 

When arranging a dining-room it is not correct to 


APPOINTMENTS OF THE TABLE 129 

have chairs pushed under the dining table. They are 
drawn back sufficiently for persons to take their seats 
easily. 

A certain standard of excellence is always observed 
by those who care for the essentials of refined living. 
Of vital importance is the orderliness in the details of 
appointments for the table. There may be less decora¬ 
tion for the family meal than for a ceremonious occa¬ 
sion, but it is not a difficult matter to have a well- 
arranged table every day. Much of the comfort and 
pleasure of a meal will depend on the pleasing effect 
of the table itself. The very simplest meal at a well- 
appointed table is enjoyable. If there is a promiscuous 
arrangement this will detract from either the pleasure 
or the appetite. Everyone, therefore, who cares for 
home-making, should understand how to make the table 
look attractive. Even a very inexperienced maid may 
be taught the proper method of arranging the table, 
and how to take care of all the belongings, silver, 
china, glass and linen. 


CHAPTER XVI 


DINNERS, FORMAL AND INFORMAL 

Dinners are supposed to have more special signifi¬ 
cance than other entertainments. They are often the 
means of gaining a recognized place in society and of 
enlarging a limited acquaintance. A dinner invitation 
is a mark of friendship, cordiality or esteem toward 
the invited guest, and is considered the highest compli¬ 
ment offered by one person to another, socially 
speaking. It is also an interchangeable courtesy, and 
thus has the advantage over other civilities. 

Short dinners are the fashion. Dinners are not 
arranged now in the old-fashioned way of many courses, 
nor is there the ancient custom of having long con¬ 
versations in the drawing-room after the meal. People 
are usually “going on,” in the gay season, to some 
festivity or dance. It may be that the hostess has 
bidden her guests with the express intention of going 
later to a dance, or the play, having informed them 
in the invitations. 

Whatever plans may be hers they are carefully made 
long in advance, her orders given, and from the moment 
her guests arrive her effort is to give her undivided 
attention to them and to preside at her table with 
ease and grace. The art of dinner-giving depends 
largely on the cultivation of repose of manner. If 

130 


DINNERS 


131 

a hostess betrays nervousness no one will have any 
enjoyment. If delays occur or accidents happen she 
must try to maintain a serene spirit and at least be 
outwardly calm. 

It is to be regretted that, too often, people of mod¬ 
erate means are afraid to give a dinner because of the 
entertainments sometimes provided by the rich. True 
hospitality is not in inviting guests to a display with 
the object of astonishing them by profusion. Life will 
be robbed of much of its good cheer if we hesitate to 
bring people together because we cannot be wonder¬ 
making hosts. If the guests are chosen and placed 
with the object of having them enjoy talking to one 
another they will think more of the agreeable com¬ 
panionship than of the food. This may be an opti¬ 
mistic view of the matter. At all events, guests are 
not forced to be a long time at the table. A com¬ 
paratively brief time is spent there. Few courses are 
served. 

A hostess who has a big house, a full supply of 
trained servants and who can trust her chef, butler, 
footmen and maids to do their duties thoroughly need 
have no responsibility other than to invite guests for 
a dinner, tell her chef how many she expects on a 
certain date and look at the menu he submits to her. 
She may ask her secretary to write the names of guests 
on place cards, or she may do it herself, and she may 
make a diagram of how guests are to be seated and 
send it to her butler, or she may like to arrange the 
cards herself when the table is set. As a rule a lady 
does this for an informal dinner. The cards are placed 
just above each place, or may be laid on the folded 


132 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

napkin at each place, but the first method is liked best. 
Dinner cards are in good taste when plain white, rather 
larger and heavier than a visiting card and with 
bevelled gilt edges. A crest or monogram in gold 
may be on the card. 

Eight o’clock is the hour for a formal dinner; half 
after eight is sometimes chosen; seven or half after 
seven for an informal occasion. The choice of the 
hour depends on the plan for the evening; the late 
hour if going to a dance, the earlier hour if going to 
a play. Dinner invitations are issued three weeks in 
advance at the height of the season. Two weeks or 
ten days may be sufficient for an informal occasion. 
Verbal invitations are sometimes given for a little 
dinner. Invitations by telephone are often given from 
intimate friends for informal or impromptu dinners. 
These are invariably followed up by informal notes of 
reminder, stating the date and hour. 

Forms for correct invitations are given in the chapter 
on that subject. 

Before her guests arrive the hostess goes to the 
dining-room to see that the appointments of the table 
are perfect. She sees that the room is properly venti¬ 
lated. The comfort and bright spirits of her guests 
depend on a well-aired dining-room, where there are 
no draughts and the temperature ranges from sixty-five 
to seventy degrees. 

The placing of guests at a large dinner requires 
intimate knowledge of society. Only by constant asso¬ 
ciation can one know who may be congenial. There 
may be variety, but there must be harmony. A well- 
known diner-out has said, “If you are assigned to one 


DINNERS 


133 


to whom you are indifferent, your only hope lies in 
your next neighbor.” Yet one cannot keep up a con¬ 
versation with a neighbor to the exclusion of the person 
assigned by a hostess. 

The host and hostess should be in readiness to 
receive their guests at the hour named. Punctuality 
is the rule for guests at a dinner. It is generally under¬ 
stood that dinner is to be served fifteen minutes after 
the arrival of the first guest. Tardiness on the part 
of a dinner guest is inexcusable, but one should never 
arrive too soon before the time named. 

Many of the modern houses in our large cities are 
the “American basement” style of architecture, with a 
large entrance hall on the first floor, and guests leave 
their wraps in charge of servants there and then ascend 
to the drawing-room. 

A man-servant announces the names of guests as 
they are about to enter the drawing-room. Although 
the servant announces “Mr. and Mrs. B.,” they do 
not enter arm-in-arm, or side by side. The wife pre¬ 
cedes the husband. 

A rule of precedence is that the President of the 
United States precedes his wife when entering any 
place where names are announced to a hostess, at a 
dinner, tea, or reception of any sort. The servant 

would announce, “The President and Mrs. -,” 

and the President enters followed by his wife. The 
same rule applies to the Vice-President; to the Gov¬ 
ernor of a State; the Mayor of a City and the 
Ambassador of a foreign power. 

When giving a formal dinner it is the custom to 
have small envelopes for the men addressed with their 



i 3 4 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

names, and each envelope containing a card with the 
name of the lady who is to be taken in to dinner. These 
envelopes are on a tray offered to the men by a servant 
as they enter the house. These cards may be marked 
“Right” and “Left,” indicating the side of the table 
where places will be. This plan saves much trouble 
to a hostess. 

After greeting the hostess each man finds his way 
promptly to the lady selected for his attention. He 
should not delay in this courtesy. If he does not know 
the lady whom he is to take, he asks the host to intro¬ 
duce him. In either case, whether she is a friend or a 
stranger, he would say, “I am to have the pleasure of 
taking you in to dinner,” or some pleasant remark of 
the sort. 

Dinner is announced by the butler coming to the 
drawing-room, looking at the hostess and saying in a 
low tone, “Dinner is served,” or he may merely 
advance a little distance and bow to the hostess. 

The host leads the way to the dining-room, offering 
his right arm to the lady who is to be placed at his 
right. If there is no special guest of honor he takes 
the most distinguished or eldest woman present or 
the wife of the most distinguished man, or a bride. 
The other guests follow and the hostess goes in last 
with the husband of the guest whom the host escorts, 
if the dinner is in honor of a married pair, otherwise 
she may be accompanied by the most distinguished man 
present, or a stranger whom she wishes to honor. The 
seat at her right is for the man who takes her in; 
the seat at her left is for the guest who is entitled to 
the next distinction; this rule being observed also for 


DINNERS 


135 

the lady who is to be at the left of the host. The 
hostess stands at her place for a moment while the 
guests are finding their places and then seats herself, 
the butler having drawn out her chair. The men draw 
out the chairs for the ladies and do not take their 
seats until the women are seated. The host remains 
standing until all are seated. The action of all is 
almost simultaneous. The guests find their places by 
the caids. The new rule is for the ladies to take 
their seats without waiting for the hostess to arrive 
at her own place. A lady lays her gloves and fan 
across her lap under the napkin. 

On very informal occasions cards may be dispensed 
with, and the hostess merely says, before dinner, “Mr. 
B., will you take Mrs. C. ?” 

When a hostess is a widow, or a single woman, she 
arranges with one of the men to lead the way with an 
alder woman or guest of honor, and the hostess goes 
last, according to the customary rule. 

At the conclusion of a dinner, the hostess gives the 
signal to leave the table by laying down her napkin 
unfolded by her plate and looking at the lady at the 
host’s right hand, bowing slightly to her and rising at 
the same time from her seat. All rise immediately, 
the women passing out, the hostess last, the men re¬ 
maining and resuming their seats or going to the 
smoking-room after the ladies have left the dining¬ 
room. A more formal custom, according to English 
usage, is for the men to escort the women to the 
drawing-room, and then return with the host to the 
dining-room or smoking-room. 


136 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

Coffee is served to the ladies in the drawing-room 
according to the directions in the next chapter. 

After a brief interval, fifteen or twenty minutes, the 
men adjourn to the drawing-room, the host having 
suggested the adjournment, and allowing all guests to 
precede him. 

The usual time for guests to leave after a dinner is 
from ten to half-past ten. 

This rule, as has been said, admits of variations. 
Unless the hostess has made positive plans for the 
evening, guests feel at liberty not to delay their 
departure after a brief explanation to the hostess. 

Guests of honor are the first to leave, and under no 
circumstances should others leave before they have 
gone. 

A punctilious man is sure to take leave of the lady 
w T hom he had taken in to dinner and he may cross the 
room for the purpose, if she is talking with someone, 
but she does not rise. She merely gives her hand in 
parting. Of course a hostess rises to take leave of a 
guest. 

The hostess should shake hands with her guests on 
their arrival and departure. Guests should be par¬ 
ticular to greet and take leave of their host, also by 
shaking hands with him. 

A servant is in the hall to open the door for depart¬ 
ing guests and to render any required service. A maid 
is in attendance for ladies in whatever place wraps have 
been cared for. 

“Bridge dinners” are popular, dinners of eight, 
twelve, or sixteen persons being the rule, if games after 
dinner are to include two, three or four tables for 


DINNERS 


i37 

players. At Newport, Southampton and other places 
in the summer, where there may not be many men for 
the evening, a favorite custom is to have women’s din¬ 
ners, with bridge afterwards. This custom is followed 
in winter in town, also, as men prefer to go to their 
clubs. 

In town a chosen method of entertaining is to invite 
guests to dine at a restaurant of fashion and go after¬ 
wards to the play. A table is reserved, dinner ordered 
and the account settled in advance of the occasion. 

If a dinner is to be given elsewhere than at home 
the place is indicated in the note of invitation and guests 
are expected to assemble there. The host and hostess 
provide the means of conveyance to the play after 
dinner and to the homes of their guests after the play. 


CHAPTER XVII 


THE SERVING OF A DINNER 

The recognized form all the world over for the 
serving of dinner is the “Russian” service. Nothing 
to eat appears on the table except dishes of fruit and 
bonbons. Everything is served and passed by the 
servants from the pantry and side table. 

Short dinners are the modern fashion. The menu 
consists, as a general rule, of a hors d’oeuvre, soup, 
fish, an entree, a roast with two vegetables, salad, des¬ 
sert and coffee. A much shorter menu would be for 
an informal dinner. 

A place plate must always be at each place until 
the table is cleared for dessert, and the courses are 
served and plates changed in the same way, whether 
there are many persons at dinner or only a few. 

A hors d’oeuvre is served first. It may be a canape 
of caviare, or a bit of toast buttered and having mixed 
chopped green peppers and tomatoes seasoned with 
oil and vinegar and in the centre a slice of hard-boiled 
egg arranged on a round of anchovy paste. A hors 
d’oeuvre is intended merely as a morsel to whet the 
appetite. It may be that the hors d’oeuvres are 
brought on separate plates, and each plate put down on 
the place plate, but the better way to serve canapes 
of caviare is to have them offered from a platter of 

silver or china with serving spoon and fork and each 

138 


THE SERVING OF A DINNER 139 

person takes a portion on the place plate. After this 
course the plates are changed for fresh place plates 
and the soup is served, the plate of soup being put 
down on the place plate. 

At the beginning of dinner the iced water or Apol- 

linaris is poured by the butler in each glass. In these 

days of prohibition various mixtures are substituted 

for wines. White grape juice and ginger ale, with ice 

and mint is a popular beverage, and this is poured in 

the wine glasses during dinner. People who still have 

wines in their cellars serve them as in other times, 

sherry, sauterne and champagne, and, after dinner, 

green mint, or other liqueurs. When serving a wine 

a butler or footman mentions what it is. At present, 

however, he has become accustomed to say, “Grape 
. . . 
juice, sir r 

At the soup course rolls are passed by the servant, 
or there may be slices of bread two inches thick. A roll 
or piece of bread is taken up by a guest in the fingers 
from the dish or silver basket in which it is passed and 
is put down on the table at the left. 

If oysters on the shell are served they precede the 
soup and the canapes of caviare may be omitted. Oys¬ 
ters on the shell are greatly out of favor at present, 
many persons believing them to be unwholesome, while 
another reason is that less heavy dinners than formerly 
are the fashion and simple courses are preferred to 
begin a dinner. 

If oysters on the shell are served they are on oyster 
plates with half a lemon in the centre, five or six oysters 
for each person. These are put on the place plates as 


140 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

soon as guests have removed napkins. Red and black 
pepper are then offered from a tray. 

When the oyster plates have been removed, soup is 
served, the plate of soup being placed on the place- 
plate. Soup Is served from the pantry or side-table, 
a ladleful for each person. A tall screen shelters the 
pantry door and serving table. In removing the soup 
plates, the under plates are left and these are used for 
celery, radishes, olives and salted nuts, which are then 
passed, these being kept on a side-table. 

The plates are then removed and a warm plate is 
substituted at each place for the fish or entree, and so 
on throughout the dinner, no person being left at any 
moment without a plate except when the table is cleared 
for dessert. 

Always when removing a plate a fresh one is placed. 
This is a rigid rule in correct service. In placing a 
plate having a monogram or regular design it is placed 
so that the monogram or design faces the person at 
whose place it is put down. 

Plates are not removed until all have finished. One 
plate at a time is taken, and never should one plate be 
placed on another in removal. A servant removes and 
replaces plates always at the left of each person, taking 
up the plate with the right hand and having in the left 
hand another plate in readiness to put down imme¬ 
diately. 

The carving is done in the pantry by the butler, or 
by the cook in the kitchen; a large fork and spoon are 
laid on the platter and the portions should be so well 
arranged that each person can remove a part w 7 ith ease 
when the platter is passed by the servant. 


THE SERVING OF A DINNER 


141 

The vegetables are in vegetable dishes of silver or 
china, on the side-table, and passed, one at a time, a 
large spoon in each dish, each person helping himself 
from the vegetable dish and taking the vegetable on 
the plate with the meat. 

The servant should pass dishes to the left of each 
person, the servant having a folded napkin under each 
dish and holding the dish on the flat of the hand and 
low down when offering the dish. Each person helps 
himself from the dish thus offered, whether it be fish, 
meat or vegetable. 

In serving, the butler leads and the second man 
assists. At a large dinner duplicate dishes are passed 
in a course, the servants beginning at different sides of 
the table, and serving the dishes in opposite directions. 
Extra men-servants are employed for a large dinner, 
four or five servants being required for twenty guests. 

The usual rule for serving is for the servant to 
begin by offering the dishes to the lady seated at the 
host’s right hand, then to the lady at the host’s left 
hand, and thence to each guest in the order seated, 
irrespective of sex. The host is always served last. 

At a small dinner, the women guests are served first, 
then the hostess, then the men. A hostess is never 
served first unless she is the only woman present. 

This rule is broken in some households at informal 
dinners and a hostess is served first, because a very 
ancient custom was that a hostess or host should taste 
first of the food to show that it was not poisoned. 
This ancient habit is an affectation in these days, and 
is not fully accepted, nor does it seem essential for a 


142 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

hostess to assure herself that a competent cook has 
prepared food properly. 

Before dessert is to be served all plates are removed, 
salt cellars and pepper pots are taken away on a tray 
and the crumbs are brushed off the table with a folded 
napkin, a tray being held under the edge of the table. 
The dessert service is then brought. It consists usually 
of a glass plate and finger-bowl resting on a fruit 
plate with a doily between. The dessert silver, a spoon 
and fork, are on either side of the finger-bowl. The 
method for the guest is to remove the silver, take off 
the finger-bowl and place it at the left and take ice 
cream or other dessert on the glass plate, and the china 
plate is then used for the fruit, the little doily being 
taken off by the guest. Fruit is always passed after 
the dessert and if anyone takes it a fruit knife and 
fork are brought. Bonbons and chocolates are passed 
after the fruit. 

The finger-bowls are about a third full of water; a 
few violets, or a tiny spray of lemon-verbena may be 
in each finger-bowl. 

Cigars and cigarettes are offered to the gentlemen 
in the smoking room after dinner, and coffee and li¬ 
queurs are served there. If there is no smoking room 
the men return to the dining-room, after taking the 
ladies to the drawing-room, and have cigars and coffee 
there. Cigarettes, coffee and liqueurs are served to 
the ladies in the drawing-room. 

For the coffee service one servant passes a tray with 
cups and saucers; on each saucer is laid a coffee spoon. 
A sugar bowl, with cut sugar and sugar tongs, is on 
the tray. The other servant follows with a tray with 


143 


THE SERVING OF A DINNER 

the silver coffee pot and pours the coffee for each 
person. The person served takes up the cup and saucer 
from the tray. If there is but one servant to bring 
the coffee the cups may be filled before being brought 
in, but this if for a very informal dinner. 

At an informal dinner, or a family meal, the coffee 
may be served before leaving the table, the small cups 
and saucers, with a coffee spoon on each saucer. The 
cups are filled from the pantry by the maid and are 
passed on a tray. A sugar bowl and sugar tongs 
accompany the service. 

In a modest household successful dinner-giving can 
be accomplished only by attention to details and a sys¬ 
tematic arrangement of the general machinery. Well- 
tried receipts must be used. Experiments are fatal. 
It is always possible in a large city to hire efficient 
servants for an occasion to assist in the preparation 
and serving of a dinner. An efficient waitress may be 

able to wait on six persons. 

A dinner of twelve or fourteen persons cannot be 
properly served without two or three servants to wait 
on the table and a maid in the pantry. 

There should be no sounds from the pantry, no clat¬ 
tering of dishes or silver. The service must be quiet, 
without haste, yet never dragging. 

Plates should not be snatched away according to a 
prevalent fashion, before a guest has half finished an 
appetizing morsel. 

The place of the butler or the single servant is 
behind the chair of the hostess, when not occupied in 

serving. 

If servants are not thoroughly experienced at least 


i 4 4 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

they may be trained to understand the ordinary rules 
for waiting on a table. It is contrary to propriety 
to remove more than one plate at a time, or to put 
one plate on another for removal. Another grievous 
fault is to deal out plates, like cards. They should 
be taken from the side-table, one by one, never two 
or three at a time. An important rule is that hot 
things should be served very hot, cold things thoroughly 
chilled. Warm plates are required for hot things, 
perfectly cold plates for salads and cold desserts. 
Nothing is more inexcusable in service than to have 
a cold plate offered for the serving of hot meats and 
vegetables, or a warm plate, which has just been 
washed, offered for ice cream. A plentiful supply of 
china and silver should always be at hand for correct 
service. 

Although service should not drag there is something 
to be said against too swift service, when courses are 
hastened and plates snatched away as though the 
servants were in haste to have the meal at an end. 


CHAPTER XVIII 


DANCES AND BALLS 

Many are the changes which time and circumstances 
have brought to society, and among them is the passing 
of the cotillion. It must be admitted that the cotillion 
was a dance of grace and dignity. This rather stately 
diversion gave character and distinction to a ballroom. 
There were famous leaders to whose qualifications as 
executives, and as originators of new figures were added 
the characteristics of good-temper, alertness, firmness 
and a talent for keeping up the gaiety of the evening 
with dignity. They were men of affairs, as well as 
leaders of gay cotillions, and are not to be associated 
in the popular mind as mere triflers given over to 
idleness. 

The cotillion with its picturesque brilliancy and the 
graceful w T altz with its gliding step may never be 
revived, but who can tell what the whirligig of time 
may bring? It was a tax upon a hostess to supply the 
expensive favors for a cotillion. A certain rivalry 
existed among the givers of balls on that score. There 
were bunches of real flowers; artificial flowers on gilded 
staffs; hats of straw ornamented with flowers and 
ribbons; wreaths of roses; gay parasols of chiffon; 
muffs of tulle trimmed with flowers; fans; enamelled 
frames; brocaded bags; book-covers and portfolios; 
jewelled hat pins; horns of plenty, filled with artificial 
fruit, grapes, blackberries and strawberry blossoms. 

145 


146 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

The men were given boutonnieres, silver penholders; 
knives; key-chains; pipes, and boxes of cigarettes 
marked with the date in gold letters. 

Sporting favors were liked, tennis racquets, polo 
sticks, golf clubs, whips and crops tied with bright 
ribbons. Color, picturesqueness and smartness were 
requisites for favors. 

Original methods were devised for bringing the 
favors into a ballroom. A huge wheelbarrow, gayly 
decorated and piled high with favors, would be wheeled 
in; or a sedan chair, filled with bouquets and bouton¬ 
nieres to be distributed would be carried in; or a large 
Japanese umbrella, suspended by the handle from the 
ceiling, and filled with favors, would be let down by 
pulleys when needed. 

The leader of the cotillion and his partner gave out 
the favors to the couples whose turn it was to dance. 
Grace and good manners were expected and practised 
in a ballroom at that period. It was a test to walk 
across a room and choose a partner by giving a favor. 
The advantage of a cotillion to young girls was that 
each had a partner and a place. A girl who was popular 
was engaged far ahead for cotillions and suppers. 
Cotillion favors were marks of triumph and were 
carried away in profusion by a ballroom belle. 

The large favors were not taken away, but were 
collected afterwards by servants and sent by the 
hostess to children in hospitals. 

Ballroom dancing to-day has very little dignity or 
refinement and it degenerates too often into contor¬ 
tions, twists, and worse than awkward motions. New 
methods to be tried may result in bringing different 


DANCES AND BALLS 


J 47 

attitudes. At least familiar dancing is taboo. The 
music, too, may undergo changes. Smoother and more 
rhythmic dancing is promised as a fashion. 

The limits between what is good in dancing and 
what is not are less clear than formerly and many are 
the reasons why people deplore the laxness with which 
the craze for frivolous dancing has spread; also the 
reckless manner in which all sorts of steps are danced 
and which cause confusion and collision. Everyone 
appears to assume that dancing only requires move¬ 
ment and a partner. 

Whether a private ball is to be large or small it 
is always called a “dance.” The invitations may include 
the contemporaries of the hostess, the young married 
people, as well as the debutantes of the season and 
the young men. A large number of invitations are 
issued, the list often including friends in other cities. 

If a dance is to be for a debutante the list of guests 
includes all the debutantes and young men whose par¬ 
ents are known to the parents of the debutante, but the 
parents are seldom invited. If the mother of the 
debutante has not been “going out,” or entertaining 
for years and has lost touch more or less with the 
younger set, a list of young people’s names is borrowed 
from one of her family or an intimate friend. This 
is necessary if a daughter has been away at school. The 
dance would be called a “small dance.” 

Those who have spacious houses prefer to have 
dances under their own roof. If a house has a picture 
gallery it is a beautiful ballroom, and a tapestry-hung 
hall in a great house may be used partly for the 
supper, which is also in the dining-room. 


148 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 


If a house is not suited to a large dance there are, 
in the large cities, private ballrooms, supper-rooms, 
drawing-rooms, etc., which may be hired for the 
occasion. A large number of invitations are issued, 
the list sometimes including out-of-town friends. 

Engraved forms of invitation are always used, 
and the names of the host and hostess always appear, 

thus: 




(Name of guest is written in this space) 





The house address indicates where replies are to be 
sent. The name of a debutante does not necessarily 


DANCES AND BALLS 


149 


appear on an invitation. It is in best taste to have 
the invitation only in the name of parents. If a dance 
is given for a young girl who is a niece, or other 
relative, the invitation should be: 


o A 

on 


anc/ ^ameS ^yif/adan 

request t/ie /i/eoo±are o^ 

(Name of guest is written in this space) 

at a ima// c/ance 
in Aonoay of 
s/m/setf /j/iite 

^ue&t/ay eoeni/if, t/ie tent/t ^a/naayf 
at to?i o'c/oc/} 
r ^jo/onf S/a/i 


. i. w f : 

&art St/# 


venue 


An awning and a carpet are at the street entrance 
on the occasion of all dances; men-servants are em- 


150 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

ployed to attend to calling carriages; maids are in 
the ladies’ dressing-room to care for wraps; servants 
attend to the checking of men’s coats and hats. Cigars 
and cigarettes are provided in the men’s coat-room. 

In a large house there are long racks supplied in 
the dressing-rooms on which to hang ladies’ wraps, and 
in the men’s dressing-rooms racks are provided for 
coats and hats. Checks are used to identify belongings. 
At a private house it is not allowable to tip servants 
in charge of wraps but it is always done where a dance 
is in hired ballrooms. 

Decorations for a ball may be as lavish as a purse 
admits, or may be merely tall palms in corners, large 
sheaves of flowers placed where they will make good 
effects. 

At a ball of great splendor given for a debutante 
in the spacious rooms of a hotel, the broad stairways 
and foyer represented a formal Italian garden, with 
cypress trees and natural hedges, and orange trees in 
full fruit. The ballroom represented a California 
garden with oleander trees. The sides of the room 
had borders of pink begonias. The supper tables in 
the dining-room had clusters of roses on each table, 
and the foyer, where supper was also served, was 
arranged as an Italian garden, with hedges and heather 
plants in bloom, giving the room the effect of a perma¬ 
nent garden and having tables under the trees. 

Two orchestras are employed to keep up the music 
at a dance, without intermission, one beginning as soon 
as the other stops. 


DANCES AND BALLS 151 

For those who do not care to dance there are bridge 
tables in one of the rooms, either in a library at a 
private house, or in other rooms when a dance is given 
at a hotel. 

A host does not stand with the hostess to receive 
guests, but he may be in another room to welcome 
them. 

Flowers are always sent to a debutante and are 
grouped, or banked on tables near the place where 
she receives. She holds in her hand a bouquet given 
usually by her parents, as it would be too marked an 
attention for her to carry one sent by an admirer. 

A hostess must be ready to receive at the hour 
named on the invitation and the debutante must be 
ready and stand beside her mother. Guests do not 
begin to arrive before half past ten or eleven o’clock 
and many appear later, coming from the opera or 
another dance. 

If a ballroom is at the head of a stairway a hostess 
takes her place there. In her own house she receives 
at the entrance to the ballroom. In private houses 
w 7 here guests go up in an elevator to the dressing-rooms 
and then walk down the stairs to the ballroom a 
hostess greets them at the foot of the stairway, as 
this is in a large central hall leading to the ballroom. 

The same rule is followed at a dance as at a tea 
or dinner. A man-servant announces the names of 
guests. He asks, “What name, please?” and then 
repeats the name, not loudly, but distinctly. Guests 
shake hands with the hostess and debutante and pass 
on promptly without lingering for more than a pleasant 
word. 


152 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

Dinners are given by various hostesses on the eve¬ 
ning of a dance for those who are “going on” to it 
later. 

Supper begins at half after twelve or one o clock. 
It is served at small tables and is a continuous feast, 
as it may go on until dawn, when guests are again 
refreshed by breakfast before they depart, scrambled 
eggs and bacon, rolls and coffee being served. 

The supper itself consists of eatables which may 
be kept hot easily; bouillon, lobster Newburg, creamed 
oysters, chicken croquettes, sweetbreads and mush¬ 
rooms are served. A variety of salads, ices, cake and 
coffee are in readiness. In other days champagne was 
always served at a dance and was an expensive item 
for a host and hostess. Notwithstanding this differ¬ 
ence in present-time suppers it is not usual to have a 
very elaborate menu. Always there is a huge bowl of 
fruit punch or other refreshing beverage in a room 
near the ballroom. 

At a small dance supper may be a simple collation, 
a buffet supper, instead of a seated supper at tables. 
Much depends on the space which can be allowed, when 
a dance is in a house of moderate size, or in a club, or 
a small ballroom at a hotel. 

Guests must not tip a servant at a private dance. 

Young men who are well-bred endeavor to make 
themselves useful and agreeable to their hostess at a 
dance by being attentive to her guests—asking to be 
introduced by the host to young girls who may be 
without partners, or seeing that a lady is not unattended 
at supper. 

A girl who dances well, who has a good fund of 


DANCES AND BALLS 


i53 


small talk, who is pleasing in manner, ready to be 
amused, not self-conscious or nervous, and who does 
not show a desire to monopolize a man’s attention, has 
much chance for popularity and pleasure. 

If a man is introduced to a girl he asks, “May I have 
part of this dance?” If it is supper time he asks, “May 
I take you to supper?” or he may ask this at any earlier 
moment in the evening. 

Girls and young men who know each other well have 
a sensible habit of forming little groups at a dance. 
This saves much embarrassment for a man who need 
not feel compelled to stay with one girl for any length 
of time and she has the same freedom. They know 
where to find their own group and can return to it. 

A girl may not refuse to dance with a man and then 
dance immediately with another. She may suggest 
stopping dancing at any moment. If she has enjoyed 
a dance she may say so naturally, but she never thanks 
a man for dancing with her; the favor is supposed to 
be on her side. 

A popular girl often divides a dance between several 
men. It used to be that a man asked for a “turn.” 
Nowadays the fashion of “cutting in,” has usurped 
this, and a man may tap the shoulder of a girl’s partner, 
wTo is obliged then to give up his place. Another 
and another may do the same thing. Far from a polite 
practice is this system of “cutting in,” but it appears 
to hold for the present, at least. Frequently it is 
disliked by a girl, who may not refuse a new partner, 
while preferring not to give up the one with whom she 
is dancing. He has a right, however, to “cut in,” 
within a few moments, and claim her again, and thus 


154 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

defeat the purpose of the other. A peculiar game, but 
the fashion in most of our large cities. 

A debutante stands with her mother receiving guests 
until late in the evening, frequently until supper time. 
After supper she is free to dance and enjoy herself. 

Guests always find the hostess to bid her good-night 
and to say a word expressing pleasure. 

In families of distinction there are certain conven¬ 
tional rules even in this age of emancipation for girls. 
A girl takes a maid with her when she goes to a dance, 
or she goes with a group of girls who take a maid, and 
this attendant waits in the dressing-room to take them 
home. Often a maid is engaged for the evening for 
this purpose. 

Subscription dances are organized under the auspices 
of married women who are prominent socially and 
whose names are on the reverse side of the cards of 
invitation. A folded card is sometimes used, the names 
of patronesses being within, and the names of the recep¬ 
tion committee on the back. The subscriptions of the 
patronesses give them the privilege of a number of 
invitations to send to friends. 

The method of sending invitations is for members 
to submit the names of guests to a committee. Each 
name must be approved and the invitations are then 
issued by the invitation committee. The patroness who 
sent the list is notified that her invitations have been 
sent. This prevents duplication and preserves care¬ 
fulness in the selection of guests. 

The Junior Assemblies, or Holiday Dances, are 
arranged on the plan mentioned, with patronesses who 


DANCES AND BALLS 155 

are in most cases the mothers of the young girls espe¬ 
cially interested. These patronesses invite the girls to 
become members. Each member pays dues and may 
invite two men to each dance. The Holiday Dances 
are usually for girls who are not yet “out” and for 
college boys at home for the holidays. 

Patronesses who receive at a subscription ball are 
selected each time by the ball committee. The ladies 
who receive stand in line and as each guest is announced 
they merely bow and do not offer to shake hands. A 
lady makes a slight curtsey to them and they curtsey 
to her. A man makes a ceremonious bow and they 
simply bow their heads to him. 

Bachelors’ balls are organized by men who ask 
twelve prominent matrons to be on a committee. 

A popular organization combines the diversion of 
a dance and supper with charitable work, the proceeds 
being divided among a number of local charities at the 
close of a series of subscription dances. These are 
given in the ballroom of a hotel. 

Dance clubs, or supper clubs, to which the youthful 
set, the young married people and dance-loving ma¬ 
trons belong, are popular. They provide a place for 
supper and dancing after the theatre and are at the 
best hotels. Considerable funds are received, as the 
charge for membership is high, and the money goes 
to charity, or there are certain evenings set apart for 
charity. 

The word “ball” is never used on an invitation unless 
it may be a ball given for charity, or some special 
object, in order to raise funds and pay expenses of the 


156 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

entertainment. Two tickets at five dollais each are 
enclosed usually with an invitation of this sort, each 
ticket having a number printed or written on it. Those 
receiving the invitation are expected to forward checks 
or to return the tickets without delay. 


CHAPTER XIX 


THE DEBUTANTE AND OTHER GIRLS 

Character and charm count largely in the popu¬ 
larity of a debutante and of other girls. The secret 
of charm is not easy to define. It may be a gift like 
beauty. It may be in a happy disposition, a warm 
heart. The quality of charm may be cultivated, but 
must not be sought for personal gratification, or for 
winning power, or it will prove elusive. No one is 
charming who is effusively polite to someone with the 
hope of gaining invitations, and coldly indifferent to 
another who has less to offer. 

If we observe the popular persons the secret of 
their charm is in avoiding self-consciousness, and in 
having perfect consideration for others. They do not 
treat the little ceremony of greeting in a perfunctory 
way. They listen when anyone is speaking to them; 
they look people in the face when talking; they are 
interested in whatever interests others, quickly respon¬ 
sive to what others say or feel. A girl may not be a 
beauty, or a brilliant talker, or wonderfully clever, 
yet she may have a charm which wins friends and 
keeps them. She thinks of others, not of herself, or the 
impression she is making; she wishes truly to make 
others happy, and she has a wholesome sense of humor 
which is the salt of life. 

Those who think that objectionable manners or 

157 


15B EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

customs may be followed because others do certain 
things which are more than verging on impropriety 
and bad taste, only show their crudeness. No one 
with character wishes to follow a flock of sheep, but 
to have individual determination, poise and common 
sense. To imitate an immodest fashion, and to paint 
the face and lips shows a degeneration in conduct which 
everyone with good sense deplores. A girl is worth 
very little who does not see the false standards of 
freedom in costume, and of having an artificial com¬ 
plexion. A man has said frankly: “The eternal ideal 
of womanliness is what men hold in their hearts for 
girls. They prefer a girl whose general air of modesty, 
repose of manner, and good-breeding are a welcome 
rest from the flash of paint and powder.” 

The present craze to pose, to exaggerate, to say 
anything unusual is a danger to the modern girl. To 
talk at random is so much easier than to think, but 
much that is proclaimed vehemently is an affectation. 
It is hopeful to believe that the modern girl’s foibles 
are transitory. She is part of a post-war reaction. 
Her faults are of manner, not of character, and if 
an emergency should come, or a crisis call, she would 
cast aside her vagaries and respond bravely. 

Many people think that our debutantes are herded 
together too much, divided from the older people, who 
have not realized the important fact that girls should 
take their place in the social world as grown-up per¬ 
sons, not simply as older children. By the somewhat 
provincial American fashion girls are deprived of the 
stimulus of talk among men and women of different 
ages. Our social plan shuts a girl away from all possi- 




DEBUTANTE AND OTHER GIRLS 159 

bilities of association with any persons except those 
of her own age, and then the cry is heard that the 
young people are not in sympathy with their elders and 
are intolerant of them. The mistake at the outset is 

{ with the elders. They have made a system for young 
girls and have effaced themselves too much. In Europe 
an older man likes to talk to a young girl at a dinner 
and she benefits from his conversation, for he is always 

( willing to give of his best. Girls will have a broader 
intelligence and better capabilities for judging men 
and the world if given opportunities to mingle with 
the older element of society. A little more common 
sense among the older people might result in a gradual 
alteration in the present system and not so distinct a 
separation of ages. 

A debutante is expected to be deferential to older 
persons. She should pay visits to the hostesses who 
have invited her to parties of any sort, or at least leave 
cards for them. If she fails in this politeness she need 
not be surprised if she is not included in future parties. 
Much of her enjoyment depends on hospitalities offered 
by older persons. She must bear in mind that a 
pleasant word should be spoken when she happens to 
meet elsewhere a lady at whose house she has been. 

In other days the inherited manners and ways and 
opinions in a family made a decided difference to each 
girl who was launched in society, and even to-day, with 
the freedom claimed by girls, there is regard shown 
by them to the wishes of those who are anxious to pre¬ 
vent unfavorable criticisms. A certain amount of 
protection is due to a debutante and it is supposed to 
save her from disagreeable experiences. 









160 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 


A girl does not go to a dance with a man, nor does 
a man take her home. She goes and returns in her 
mother’s car, with a maid. It may be that several 
girls have one maid and all go together and return in 
a private car. Someone of the family sits up to let a 
girl in, or a servant is detailed for the purpose. To 
have a latchkey and let herself in is beyond the bounds 
of etiquette for a debutante. 

At a dance a girl is supposed to have her hostess as 
a chaperon, or some young married woman may fill 
the role. It is always a comfort to have someone to 
fall back upon in an awkward situation. In a former 
chapter the “group system” among girls is explained. 

Good comradeship exists among men and girls at 
present. The amazing changes resulting from the 
war, the freedom of sports and country clubs, have 
had much to do in establishing a wholesome, frank and 
sensible comradeship. But there are certain rules of 
conventionality. Conventions differ with localities, but 
in New York a young girl does not go alone to a 
theatre with a man, nor does she lunch, dine, or take 
supper alone with him in a restaurant. After a few 
years in society the older girls take lunch with men in 
some restaurants, provided they know the men well, 
but the line is sharply drawn at lunching in certain 
places. 

Girls take lunch with men at country clubs, where 
there are always plenty of friends to lend propriety 
as chaperons. 

In localities where a girl is taken home by a man 
after an evening party she must not, under any circum¬ 
stances, ask him to come in. He must say good-night 


DEBUTANTE AND OTHER GIRLS 161 

at the door. Someone should be in readiness to let 
her in. This rule is positive, even for the girl who 
is brought home by the man to whom she is engaged. 

A girl of excellent birth and breeding is often 
obliged to earn her living, or may be studying with 
this object in view, and far away from her own town 
and cannot have a chaperon. Her position is different 
from that of a girl who lives at home in sheltered 
surroundings. A “bachelor girl” is usually old enough 
to have some knowledge of the world and of propriety 
and will not go alone w 7 ith a man to any but a theatre 
of conventional character, and will never go anywhere 
with a married man. She must not dine in a restaurant 
with a man without a chaperon, nor go to supper with 
him without one. If she decides to be a law unto 
herself she is obliged to lose sight of the world’s 
opinion, and does not come within the strictly conven¬ 
tional rules of etiquette, but she will be wise to remem¬ 
ber that an unprotected woman is often criticized, 
whether she deserves it or not. Her own good sense 
and dignity will always be a safeguard. 

A man’s manner toward a girl is always governed 
by the standard she sets. Men are just as chivalrous 
by nature as ever and their chivalry can always be 
called forth. A man may be amused by a jolly, free- 
and-easy girl but he does not admire her. It is in 
the nature of man to prefer what he seeks, rather than 
what seeks him. He wearies of one who is lavish in 
notes and gifts, who calls him up by telephone per¬ 
petually, and shows eagerness for his society. He 
likes what is difficult to win, not what may be had for 
the asking, and the persistent girl may be surprised 


162 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

to find that he has been charmed away by the reserved, 
almost demure girl, whose rivalry she never suspected. 

A young man of character, good sense and purpose 
in life prefers the friendship of a girl of character. 
A man gives his allegiance to a girl who knows how 
to maintain a dignified bearing. If she knows how to 
control and guide the tone of a man’s conversation 
and manner, she gains in his estimation. 


CHAPTER XX 


MARRIAGE ENGAGEMENTS 

The freedom with which the young people of our 
country make their marriage engagements has its 
advantages and disadvantages and much might be said 
of this independence. Foreign etiquette requires that 
a man should first seek the consent of the girl’s parents 
before proposing marriage to her. This custom is 
supposed not to be so greatly at variance from the 
chosen manner with which our young people settle the 
matter between themselves and then ask the parents’ 
blessing, because it is taken for granted that a young 
man has been received tacitly by them and that they 
foresee what his intentions are, and thus have the 
opportunity to discourage him, if need be. Parents 
have not always the foresight, nor have they the oppor¬ 
tunities in these times of excessive freedom, but they 
are not blameless if they know of the attentions to their 
daughter of an undesirable man and make no protest. 
It is their responsibility if they permit too much liberty 
among young people, yet they should be pardoned if 
they hesitate to give a hasty consent to a marriage with 
one of whose character they feel uncertain. When 
there is any positive opposition from parents to any 
friend there is generally some very good reason for it. 
At least it is well for a young girl not to make a hasty 
decision which she may live to repent. 

163 


164 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

A marriage engagement is a matter of serious 
importance and should never be entered into unless 
each one has entire confidence in the other. Like 
marriage an engagement is not to be entered into 
lightly or unadvisedly. It is well for a girl to know 
her own mind and heart before she becomes engaged 
rather than afterwards. She may be sure that unless 
she respects and trusts a man she can never be happy 
with him. By the same token a man needs to be per¬ 
fectly clear in his own mind that the new relationship 
on which he proposes to enter is one which is founded 
on congeniality and the feeling that time will only 
strengthen and deepen the affection. 

A manly young man will state frankly to a girl’s 
parents all about his circumstances and financial pros¬ 
pects and will ask their consent to the marriage. The 
man who fails to show proper respect toward a girl’s 
parents is not one who is likely to prove a good hus¬ 
band, and the girl who defies or disregards her parents’ 
disapproval is lacking in some of the characteristics 
of a good wife. 

A man shows respect toward his own parents in 
telling them of his engagement. Much of his future 
happiness and that of his future wife may depend on 
his conduct to his family at the time. It is not an 
unusual thing that parents may have had other wishes 
or hopes for their son matrimonially, but a spirit of 
good-will, kindliness and cordiality should be shown, 
and the effort made to welcome the young girl to whom 
he is engaged. On the girl’s part much depends. She 
should resolve to be liked by her future husband’s 
family and use her powers of tact, deference, and 


MARRIAGE ENGAGEMENTS 165 

charm of manner, realizing that happiness will come 
from her efforts, and will never come from a reckless 
indifference to the feelings of others. 

It is optional whether an engagement is announced 
soon after its occurrence or not until a few months 
before the marriage; but even though the marriage 
may not take place for a year, it is advisable to an¬ 
nounce the engagement, provided, of course, that 
the young girl’s parents have given their consent 
to it. 

The initiative in announcing an engagement must 
come from the family of the young girl. The proper 
and the customary way to make such an announcement 
is for the girl and her mother to write notes to their 
intimate friends and near relatives. The engagement 
may not be made known to his friends by a man until 
his fiancee and her family have announced it. He may 
write notes to his own friends and send them simul¬ 
taneously with those of his fiancee, and his mother may 
make the news known by notes to relatives who may 
be interested. 

There is no special form for such notes. Any simple 
and natural expressions are the best. For instance, a 
girl may write, “I wish you to be among the first to 

hear of my engagement to -,” or some words of 

the sort. 

Such a thing as an engraved form for announc¬ 
ing an engagement is unheard of among well-bred 
people! 

A note of reply to a congratulatory note from a 
relative of the young man’s family whom a girl knows 
intimately may be: 



166 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 
Dear Mrs. Redmond: 

Your note has made me very happy because of 
your warm welcome to me. 

I was so sorry to be out when you came to see 
me. I shall try to see you very soon. 

With warmest thanks for all your good wishes, 

Affectionately yours, 

Madeline. 

A man might write to a relation who has sent a 
congratulatory note: 

Dear Aunt Eleanor: 

I appreciate greatly your note of congratulation 
and the fact that you admire Madeline. She is 
indeed wonderful and I am more than fortunate 
in having won her. 

Affectionately, 

Horace. 

In spite of the prevalence of the use of the telephone 
for everything it is not considered dignified to telephone 
the news of an engagement to the newspapers. 

If the news is sent to the newspapers this is done 
by the parents of the bride-elect. It is sent in writing 
to the society editor of the newspapers selected and 
is endorsed with the name of the sender as a guarantee 
of good faith. It is not sent as a paid notice for 
columns where marriages and deaths are published. 

It is not customary to give a reception after an 
engagement is announced, but, if a girl wishes, she 
may mention in her notes an afternoon when she and 


MARRIAGE ENGAGEMENTS 167 

her mother will be at home to receive friends infor¬ 
mally. The bride-elect and her fiance receive with the 
young girl’s mother. Friends often send flowers and 
all who have received notes should call or send con¬ 
gratulatory notes. 

Dinners and other festivities are usually given for 
the young people by their friends. 

The parents and relatives of the bridegroom-elect 
should call on the young girl and her mother, and an 
exchange of hospitalities should begin between the 
two families, the man’s family taking the first step in 
this respect. If the family of the bridegroom-elect 
live at a distance, they should write cordial letters to 
the bride-elect expressing their pleasure in the engage¬ 
ment, and the young man’s mother may invite the 
future daughter-in-law to visit her. In any case, calls 
should be returned and letters answered within a week. 
When a girl receives letters from the mother and sisters 
of the man to whom she is engaged to be married she 
should not delay to reply, and should try to write 
in the same kind spirit in which their letters were 
expressed. It is important to try to make her future 
husband’s relatives feel kindly toward her. She may 
say that it was a great pleasure to receive so kind 
and cordial a welcome into the family and that she 
looks forward to meeting them some time in the 
future. 

Friends often send flowers or engagement gifts of 
every sort. 

The engagement ring is worn after an engagement 
is announced. The choice of a ring depends on a man’s 


168 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 


taste and means. A sensible girl would not wish to 
receive other than her fiance can afford. 

A diamond solitaire, or a diamond and sapphire 
combination may be selected. Pearls in a ring are 
not supposed to be good omens, and opals are not 
chosen for the same reason. 

During an engagement the betrothed pair are sup¬ 
posed to observe certain etiquette. They may not go 
on long journeys together, and never over night, nor 
may a girl go to the bachelor lodgings of her fiance 
unless accompanied by one of her family. An engaged 
pair do not make visits together, except to relatives or 
very intimate friends. They have the good taste never 
to make themselves conspicuous, in any way, by marked 
devotion. When in public their bearing toward one 
another should not be different from that of two 
friends. Dignity, modesty and self-respect are among 
the best attributes of a womanly character, and a girl 
must remember that nothing is so destructive to happi¬ 
ness as a loss of respect for one another. 

With the exception of flowers, books and bonbons 
other gifts besides the engagement ring, are not offered 
by a man to his fiancee, although a fan, a picture, a pet 
dog, a tennis racquet, are supposed to be allowable. 
Gloves, furs, or any articles of apparel are not accepted 
by a girl who understands the proprieties of life, nor 
would a man who understands them ever offer gifts 
of the sort. The safe rule always has been that nothing 
should be accepted which may not be returned unin¬ 
jured should the engagement be broken, and it is well 
to hold fast to this very sensible rule. 

When an engagement is broken it is supposed to be 


MARRIAGE ENGAGEMENTS 169 

because the persons concerned have discovered their 
lack of congeniality. If there are good reasons for 
believing that the engagement should end it will be 
well for a girl to write to the man and say so. Even 
at the last moment before an arranged wedding, it 
would be better to make this decision than risk the 
future by a mistaken marriage. 

All gifts and letters should be returned on both 
sides. The occurrence is an unfortunate one but it is 
practically ended. No one ever alludes to it to either 
of the persons interested. It is the duty of the mother 
of the young girl to write to friends and tell them the 
fact that the engagement is at an end, not giving any 
reasons, but stating that it has been broken by mutual 
consent. 

If wedding gifts have already been received they 
should be returned to the givers immediately, with brief 
notes stating the mere fact that the engagement has 
been broken. 

A man does not offer any explanations to his friends 
as to the cause of the severed engagement, and does 
not even contradict any statements which may come 
from the young girl’s family, and which may not be 
complimentary to him, but the family of the former 
fiancee should maintain discretion and reticence to the 
utmost possible limit. 


CHAPTER XXI 


WEDDING PREPARATIONS 

Dignity should characterize a wedding. Ostentation 
and display detract from the solemnity of the occasion. 
In making preparations for the event a bride-to-be 
may be led to think of the serious step she is taking, 
rather than the gratifying of personal vanity. To 
begin married life honestly, without reckless expendi¬ 
ture, and without straining for the effect to be pro¬ 
duced, is the only honorable way to start. 

A wedding which is planned so that the expenses 
may not be more than the bride’s parents can afford 
is the only sort of a wedding compatible with true 
family dignity. The laws of etiquette require that a 
bride’s family shall pay all the expenses of a wedding. 
The rule admits of no exception that the brides parents, 
or nearest relatives, must be responsible for the ex¬ 
penses of the trousseau, the engraved invitations, house 
or church decorations, cost of opening the church, 
music, awnings, cars or carriages for the bridal party, 
the engraved marriage announcements, and notices 
published in newspapers. This principle is so firmly 
established that any departure from it would be an 
inexcusable breach of manners and good form, and 
more than that, a breach of principle. 

The bridegroom is permitted to pay for nothing but 

the ring, the cost of the license, the fee to the clergy- 

170 



WEDDING PREPARATIONS 


171 

man, bouquets for bride and bridesmaids, gifts to the 
ushers and best man. The parents of the bride some¬ 
times prefer to pay for the bouquets for bridesmaids. 

The simplest wedding, with only relatives present, 
and with the bride in traveling dress, is perfectly digni¬ 
fied, either in a church, or at the house of the bride’s 
parents. 

A wedding in a church involves more trouble and 
expense than a house ceremonial. Each is managed 
on the same general lines. A house wedding is occa¬ 
sionally necessary on account of rules or regulations to 
which one of the contracting parties may be obliged 
to conform by the authorities of his or her church. 

The bride-elect has the prerogative of naming the 
wedding day, it being taken for granted that the bride¬ 
groom has urged her to do so. She consults with her 
parents, or nearest relatives, whether the wedding shall 
take place at a church, or at home, and they choose the 
clergyman who shall perform the ceremony. 

If the wedding is to be in a church, and a clergyman 
other than the rector of the church is chosen, it is an 
obligation of courtesy to request the rector to assist 
in the ceremony. 

The bride chooses her bridesmaids from among her 
intimate friends and includes a sister of the bridegroom. 
A matron-of-honor is selected according to the same 
rule. The bride calls on these friends or writes notes 
asking them to serve. At a recent wedding there were 
several matrons-of-honor, who walked together, two 
and two, and preceded the maid-of-honor. As a gen¬ 
eral rule unmarried friends are chosen as attendants 
by both bride and bridegroom. 


172 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

Ushers are selected from among the friends of the 
bride and bridegroom; the best man is chosen by the 
bridegroom and is a brother or an intimate friend. 

It is a bride’s duty to choose a style of gown within 
the limits of the means of the bridesmaids. 

At a day wedding in a church bridesmaids wear hats, 
or veils of tulle. Evening weddings are out of fashion, 
at least in New York, but, if an evening wedding is 
preferred, veils must be worn in a church. At a home 
wedding, either in the day time or evening, veils are 
worn, or wreaths of artificial flowers. 

A bride who decides to be married in a traveling 
dress wears hat and gloves. She does not have brides¬ 
maids. She may have a maid-of-honor who should 
not be dressed in white, but should wear a street or 
reception dress, hat and gloves. 

A bride who is a widow does not wear white or a 
veil and is not attended by bridesmaids. She wears 
gray or mauve, with a hat. Usually she chooses to be 
married in a traveling dress. 

When a widow becomes engaged she continues to 
wear her wedding ring until the day of her second 
marriage, when she removes it, and puts it away and 
does not wear it again. 

Whether a wedding is to be large or small, it is 
essential that careful lists should be made of the 
friends of both families, in order that no omissions 
may be made when issuing the invitations. Ample 
time, a month in advance must be allowed for having 
invitations engraved, addressed, and in readiness to 
issue two weeks before the wedding. For a house 
wedding a few intimate friends may be invited to the 


WEDDING PREPARATIONS 173 

ceremony, and a reception following may include a 
larger number. It is customary to invite general ac¬ 
quaintances to a church wedding and to limit the number 
of guests for the reception, but the point is to be care¬ 
ful in drawing the line, because it may give offense to 
invite some and omit others. It is well to include all 
to whom one is indebted for hospitalities and to make 
the list as general as means and space will allow. The 
clergyman who is to perform the ceremony is invited 
and his wife included. 

When a wedding is to be small and informal, the 
custom is for the bride’s mother to write informal notes 
of invitation. These are sent to all friends and to 
friends of the bridegroom, although they may not be 
known personally to the bride’s parents and may be 
at a distance and not expected to be able to be present. 
It is optional with them whether they shall come, but 
the courtesy of invitations is due to them. 

If the bridegroom’s parents are strangers coming 
from a distant town the bride’s mother may write a note 
inviting them to stay at her house on the occasion of 
the wedding. It is optional with them to accept, or 
not, and they usually prefer to go to a hotel and may 
wish to make their own arrangements. At all events, 
some member of the family should be at the railway 
station to meet them when they arrive, and it should 
be the effort of the bride’s family to make their visit, 
or their stay in the town agreeable. Much of the 
future happiness of the bride may depend upon estab¬ 
lishing pleasant relations between the two families. 

If friends are expected by train for a country wed¬ 
ding, conveyances must meet them on arrival of the 


174 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

train and take them to the train on their departure. 

The bride’s family arrange with the verger, or sex¬ 
ton, about opening the church and with the organist 
about the music. The verger has charge of placing 
the awning and carpet from curb to entrance, both at 
the church and house. A man is engaged to superin¬ 
tend the opening of carriage doors and to give return 
checks to guests or chauffeurs to identify cars. He 
attends to engaging a man to collect cards of admission 
from guests. 

In some States it is necessary to obtain a marriage 
license and this must not be forgotten by the bride¬ 
groom. 

A bridegroom provides the car for his best man 
and himself to go to the church or house on the wed¬ 
ding day. He may have the privilege of providing the 
car which is to take the bride and himself from, her 
father’s house to the train after the wedding, but the 
bride’s parents frequently prefer to provide this con¬ 
veyance. Sometimes the car or limousine is lent by 
friends. 

The fee for the clergyman should be placed in an 
envelope, addressed by the bridegroom and entrusted 
to the best man on the wedding day. The fee should 
be gold, or fresh bank-notes, or a check. The amount 
depends on what can be afforded by the bridegroom. 
A rich man would give one hundred dollars or more, a 
man of moderate means may give twenty-five. 

A bride often carries a small prayer-bock, bound 
in ivory or white vellum, and she arranges with the 
clergyman that the marriage service is to be read from 
the book which she brings and returned to her after 


WEDDING PREPARATIONS 


175 

the ceremony. The book is then kept as a memento 
of the day. 

The initials of bride and bridegroom and the date 
of the marriage are engraved within the wedding ring, 
which is of plain gold. Before the wedding ceremony 
the engagement ring may be placed temporarily on 
the third finger of the right hand. An engagement 
ring is worn over the wedding ring. The glove on 
the right hand of the bride and bridegroom should be 
removed while plighting the marriage vows. 

A bride’s gloves should not be too tight-fitting, so 
that the left one may be removed quickly to allow of 
the wedding ring being placed on the finger. The glove 
is not put on again after this ceremony. 

White kid gloves are worn for the ceremony by a 
bride in traveling dress, but are changed for gloves 
of a dark shade before going away. 

“One of the chief duties of bridal attendants-,’’ 
remarked a bright woman, “is to keep their wits about 
them.’’ They are expected to be useful as well as 
ornamental. On them depends much of the complete¬ 
ness of the wedding. The best man’s duties are to be 
attentive to the interests and wishes of the bridegroom. 
He must accompany him to the church, enter the vestry 
with him, walk beside him, preceded by the clergyman 
when entering for the ceremony, stand at the bride¬ 
groom’s left on the chancel step facing the assemblage 
awaiting the bride, and stand at the bridegroom’s right, 
a few paces back, during the ceremony. He keeps the 
wedding ring in his waistcoat pocket and gives it to 
the bridegroom at the required moment. He is 
entrusted with the fee for the clergyman and may give 


176 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

it either before or after the ceremony, but in the vestry, 
not in the church. 

If a rehearsal for the correct marching in the bridal 
procession and the grouping for the wedding ceremony 
is desired it takes place on an afternoon or evening a 
few days before the wedding. The necessary details 
are conducted with dignified quiet and interest. The 
bride does not take part in the rehearsal, as it is not 
good luck, but she directs it, and asks a friend to 
assume her part in it. The organist is present to play 
the wedding march so that the ushers, bridesmaids, 
bride and her father may practise the exact time. Care¬ 
ful drilling will secure perfection of step. The music 
should stop at the moment that the bride and bride¬ 
groom meet and stand together for the ceremony. 
The words of the ceremony are never rehearsed. The 
details for a w T edding processional, the grouping at the 
chancel, and the recessional, are given in the chapter 
on Weddings. 

Before the wedding day a bride may give a farewell 
luncheon for her bridesmaids, and at this time she gives 
presents to them. These gifts are duplicates, in order 
that no partiality may be shown. Brooches, pendants, 
or bracelets are suitable gifts. If a bride decides not 
to have a luncheon or other hospitality for her brides¬ 
maids she sends the gifts the day before the wedding 
with her card. 

A bridegroom gives a farewell dinner for his best 
man and ushers a few evenings before the wedding, 
taking care that nothing shall occur to mar the dignity 
of the occasion. His gifts are presented at the dinner. 
At each place is a white box containing the gift which 





WEDDING PREPARATIONS 177 

may be cuff-links, a gold pencil, or a silver cigarette 
case, or other article for personal use. His card accom¬ 
panies each gift. If he has decided not to have a 
dinner he sends his gifts the day before the wedding 
with his card enclosed with each souvenir. He pro¬ 
vides the gloves and ties and sends them to the best 
man and. each usher. 

A bridegroom’s gift to his bride is usually a beauti¬ 
ful jewel which she wears on the wedding day, and it 
is, preferably, the only ornament for the occasion, 
unless she may add some other jewels given by her 
family, or by those who are specially dear, but there 
is good taste in not seeming to wear jewels for ostenta¬ 
tion. Her gift to the bridegroom may be a set of 
studs, or cuff-links, or a dressing case, with silver 
mounted fittings. A choice edition of the books of a 
favorite author may be added to the personal gift. 

On the wedding day the bridegroom sends bouton¬ 
nieres of gardenias or lilies-of-the-valley to the best 
man and ushers. Those for the ushers are delivered 
at the church in ample time before the wedding hour 
and may be left in charge of the verger, or may be 
taken care of by a boy sent by the florist. One of the 
ushers distributes the boutonnieres. The ushers should 
be at the church an hour before the time for the 
wedding. 

The best man, ushers and bridesmaids send their 
gifts to the bride without delay at any time after the 
wedding invitations have been issued. Often a best 
man gives a present to the bridegroom as a special 
souvenir, but this is not obligatory. 

Friends who are invited to a wedding reception send 


178 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

gifts to the bride. Those who are invited only to the 
church are not obliged to send presents. Certain obli¬ 
gations to bride or bridegroom, or their families, for 
kindnesses or hospitalities, must often decide the ques¬ 
tion of sending wedding gifts. The selecton of a gift 
depends on what amount the giver wishes to spend and 
what may suit the bride’s tastes and circumstances. 
And here it may be said that while a woman is never 
indifferent to the possession of beautiful things, there 
may be a superfluity of costly presents sent to a bride 
who expects to begin married life on a modest income 
and may find perplexity in taking care of her wedding 
presents, or trying in vain to live up to them. The 
splendor of silver, rare china and other treasures 
may be out of place in a very simple home and there 
is nothing to do but have the luxurious things stored 
away. Friends who are thoughtful make their choice, 
therefore, of gifts appropriate to circumstances. A 
beautiful piece of antique mahogany furniture is always 
to be prized, a writing desk, table, or book case. A 
fine example in photographic art of a picture by one 
of the old masters; very choice editions of books by 
the best authors may well form a part of the beginning 
of a home. 

The family of bride or bridegroom usually give to 
the bride “small silver,” forks and spoons of different 
sizes and for general use. 

It is the invariable custom to have wedding gifts of 
silver marked with the initials of the bride’s maiden 
name. The gifts are sent to her before her marriage, 
before she is entitled to any name but her own. Besides 
this reason they belong to her personally and are her 


WEDDING PREPARATIONS 179 

possessions, to be used according to her preference. It 
is usual to send a wedding gift directly from the shop 
where it is purchased; one’s visiting card is enclosed in 
a small envelope and may be placed within the box 
containing the gift. If the gift is for a friend in whom 
one is especially interested one may write across the top 
of the card, “With best wishes,” or, “With cordial con¬ 
gratulations,” otherwise, it is best not to write any¬ 
thing. Gifts are sent to the bride even though she may 
not be known personally. 

The prevailing fashion is to show wedding gifts 
a day or two before the wedding, instead of on the 
wedding day. The bride-elect and her mother tele¬ 
phone or write informal notes, asking friends who 
have sent presents to come in on an afternoon desig¬ 
nated. The gifts are arranged on tables and the 
cards of the givers are with the gifts. The tables 
are covered with white damask table cloths, and it is a 
pretty fashion to have vases of flowers here and there. 
Silver, bric-a-brac, china and jewels may be arranged 
in separate groups, but it is desirable to place small 
gifts among the handsome ones so that the givers 
may not feel that their offerings have an inferior 
position. The informal serving of tea closes the 
afternoon. When wedding gifts are displayed on 
the wedding day, it is optional whether cards of the 
givers are with them. Some persons consider it best 
to remove the cards, while others, who are equally 
familiar with good form, allow the cards to remain 
with the gifts. 

An important rule to be observed is that a bride- 
elect must write a note to every one who sends a gift. 


i8o EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 


To all of her future husband’s friends and relatives, 
and to all whom she may not know personally, she 
must be careful to write, expressing her appreciation 
of their kind thought. Any failure to acknowledge 
their attentions by a courteous note is unpardonable. 
A card is not to be sent in acknowledgment. 

A father’s duty is to escort his daughter into the 
church for the ceremony, lead her to meet the bride¬ 
groom, and give her away in the marriage ceremony. 
The custom of giving in marriage is neither a fashion 
nor a fad, nor a mere form. It touches the family 
life, marks the authority which a father has over his 
daughter and the claim which she has on a parent. 
There is something very impressive about it. The 
father gives his daughter in confidence to the man 
of her choice, who should value and appreciate the 
trust, and who is to guard and protect her in future. 

If a bride’s father is not living and there is no 
brother or male relative to perform the duty, the 
bride’s mother may give her away. The mother 
should enter the church before the bridal party and 
be taken to a front pew by an usher. The bride enters 
walking alone, preceded by her maid-of-honor and 
bridesmaids. The bridegroom with his best man 
await her at the chancel. At the proper time in the 
ceremony the bride’s mother should advance to the 
altar, take her daughter’s right hand and place it in 
the right hand of the bridegroom and then return to 
the front pew. 

If the bride’s father is a clergyman and is to offici¬ 
ate at the wedding ceremony, her brother or a near 
relative escorts her into the church. The father, 


WEDDING PREPARATIONS 181 

under these circumstances, assumes the right to give 
his daughter away, and does so by simply placing her 

hand in that of the bridegroom at the required time 
in the service. 

The postponement of a wedding is considered 
unlucky by most persons. In case of illness in a 
family, it is best to change the plans for an elaborate 
wedding, withdraw the invitations, and have a quiet 
marriage with no one present but near relatives. A 
formal note of this sort may be written: 

Mr. and Mrs. Dash 
regret that owing to illness 
in the family 

they are obliged to withdraw the invitations to 
the marriage of their daughter 

Janet 

and 

Mr. Wadsworth Hamilton 
The marriage will take place very quietly 
on February fifteenth 


CHAPTER XXII 

OTHER PREPARATIONS FOR A WEDDING 

Brides are fortunate who have wedding veils of 
rare old lace worn by brides of their family in other 
generations, or lace flounces which may be attached 
to a central piece of tulle and arranged in a veil. 
Brides who prefer to depart from conventional 
customs, and choose something distinctively original, 
need not hesitate to exercise their ingenuity to devise 
new ideas. An odd fancy of a bride was the wearing 
of two veils. One was of tulle draped to fall the 
length of her train, which fell from the shoulders. 
Over the tulle veil was worn a small veil of rare and 
exquisite lace, square in shape, with one point falling 
over her forehead like a Marie Stuart coif. Another 
bride wore a tulle veil shimmering with crystal dew- 
drops and fastened with a pearl and diamond tiara; 
while another wore a tulle veil sprinkled over with 
pearls and fastened with a wreath of orange blossoms. 
A veil of simple tulle never loses favor and is always 
becoming. Some brides choose the Empire head¬ 
dress, or the Russian cap embroidered with pearls 
and orange blossoms, with the tulle veil attached. 
A simple style is to drape a tulle veil over a crown 
of natural orange blossoms. A bride who possessed 
a short but rare piece of point lace about six inches 

wide, bound it across her forehead and over the tulle 

182 


OTHER PREPARATIONS 183 

veil in a most effective manner, attaching it with two 
diamond stars. 

Orange blossoms are the only artificial flowers ever 
worn by a bride. Among the fresh flowers occasion¬ 
ally chosen are gardenias, although their intense fra¬ 
grance is oppressive. Fresh lilies-of-the-valley, or 
white orchids are worn, or wreaths of white myrtle 
or heather. 

The “shower bouquet” is liked by some brides, this 
style being effected by innumerable narrow white satin 
ribbons falling from the bouquet, trailing down and 
knotted with blossoms. Instead of a “shower bou¬ 
quet” a bride sometimes carries a “sheaf” of lilies- 
of-the-valley, or white orchids, or calla lilies, or 
carries on the right arm some long-stemmed white 
roses. 

A round, stiff bouquet of gardenias and white roses, 
surrounded by a frill of lace and fringe of delicate 
ferns is a usual fashion in Paris and is occasionally 
seen here. 

Loose clusters of a favorite white flower are pre¬ 
ferred frequently, lilies and orchids, or small branches 
of white lilacs. 

A bride’s bouquet may be made in separate parts 
tied together by a white satin ribbon. When she is 
going away she throws the bouquet among her brides¬ 
maids, the ribbon which binds the separate bouquets 
together having been removed, and to each brides¬ 
maid falls a share of the flowers. In each part is 
hidden a coin, a ring, or a charm, indicating that the 
corh will bring wealth, the ring a wedding, and the 
charm good luck. 


184 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

Bridesmaids’ bouquets are chosen to harmonize 
with their gowns which are in pastel effects and com¬ 
binations, in shades of palest mauve, periwinkle, leaf- 
green, jade, lemon-yellow, or other fanciful colois. 
A definite color scheme may be accentuated by white 
dresses worn with a touch of decided color in the 
girdle. Gowns of peach-colored organdy over net, 
with girdles to correspond are effective. Bouquets 
of maiden-hair fern, sweet peas, white lilacs, jonquils, 
daisies or azaleas appear at weddings in the spring, or 
a sheaf of Easter lilies is carried. 

Hats of pale blue and mauve tulle with large roses 
shading from palest blue to mauve, may be chosen 
for bridesmaids whose gowns are of mauve chiffon 
over blue silk. Gowns of white crepe de chine, hats 
of white straw trimmed with pink roses and green 
foliage, bouquets of pink roses tied with pale-green 
satin ribbon make a good effect. 

White silk dresses with girdles of a shade to match 
the bouquet of each bridesmaid may be chosen for 
four bridesmaids, the bouquets being respectively of 
pink carnations, tea roses, mignonette and jonquils. 

As a rule the maid-of-honor, or matron-of-honor 
wears a distinctive gown of a color to harmonize with 
the general color scheme. 

Bouquets are carried low down below the waist 
line and are held lightly with both hands. 

Wreaths of roses, lilies, or chaplets of green leaves 
with short tulle veils are effective for bridesmaids for 
church or house weddings. 

A picturesque scheme is to have pages and little 
girls dressed in costumes copied from Van Dyck’s 


OTHER PREPARATIONS 185 

famous painting of the children of King Charles I. The 
boys wear coats and knee-breeches of cream cloth, 
deep collars and cuffs of guipure lace. The coats are 
embroidered in gold. White silk stockings, white 
shoes with large white rosettes are worn. The little 
girls have cream satin frocks, lace collars and cuffs, 
aprons of finest organdy and sashes of gold tissue. 
They wear close-fitting caps of gold tissue. The chil¬ 
dren precede the bride, walking hand-in-hand up the 
aisle. 

A novel way to form an aisle at a house wedding 
is to have lengths of white satin ribbon held in place 
by short, white and gold columns, “topped” with 
bunches of lilies tied with white satin ribbon. 

The choice of a trousseau depends on circumstances 
and what will be the future position of the bride. If 
she is to live in a quiet, country neighborhood she will 
need less than one who is to live in a large city where 
her husband’s position will require her to meet many 
social obligations. In every case there must be a vari¬ 
ety of necessities; in some cases there may be reason 
for economy. It must be understood that a bride’s 
trousseau is always given by her parents, or it may be 
by a near relative of her own family. She cannot with 
propriety accept such a gift from others. 

It is natural for a girl to wish for a bridal gown 
and there is nothing more charming than a bride in 
all the bravery of her wedding attire. It is only 
reasonable that a girl should have all that she can 
afford, but it would be folly to go to the expense of 
a costly wedding gown if there would be no use for a 
white satin dress in the future. Crepe de chine, or 


186 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 


simplest, finest white organdy may be serviceable 
materials to use later. 

Ivory white satin, brocade, or lace are the usual 
materials for a wedding gown. 

A bride in the simplest white gown and having the 
most informal wedding is entitled to wear a veil as 
a prerogative and a distinctive feature. The veil and 
orange blossoms may be worn but once in a lifetime. 
Why not wear them on this day of days? A girl loves 
the sentiment as well as the becomingness of a bridal 
veil and keeps it with the orange blossoms as a me¬ 
mento of the day. 

At a recent wedding the bride wore the artificial 
orange blossoms which her mother had worn and had 
treasured for twenty years and which retained their 
original perfection. 

White slippers, white silk stockings, and gloves of 
white kid are necessary with a bridal gown. 

If a so-called traveling dress is preferred for the 
ceremony it may be of a light color, gray being the 
preference. This and a hat to harmonize with it will 
do duty later for many occasions. These are changed 
for a plainer going-away gown and hat before leaving 
for the wedding journey. 

A gown for the ceremony may be of gray crepe de 
chine, with a hat trimmed with foliage and white roses. 
Shoes and stockings should be gray. A bouquet of 
white lilacs would be in keeping with the costume. 

If a real traveling gown is to be worn it is chosen 
with discretion, the object being to be inconspicuous 
when traveling. Dark blue, gray, tan, or brown are 
appropriate colors, with a hat not overtrimmed, suede 


OTHER PREPARATIONS 187 

gloves of gray or tan and shoes of the prevailing 
fashion. 

The rapid changes in fashion make it advisable to 
have only the gowns needed for a season. There is 
wisdom in having an amount of money saved for 
future expenditures. 

Two evening gowns for formal occasions, and an 
evening wrap, would be needed and two dresses for 
dinner at home or at a restaurant, also an afternoon 
gown for luncheons. For morning wear in the street 
a gown of dark wool, with a hat to harmonize would 
be chosen. Sports dresses and hats may be required. 
A tea gown, to be worn in one’s room, not elsewhere; 
silk dressing gowns and breakfast jackets may be 
added; gloves, furs, umbrellas, would be on the list, 
shoes, and slippers of various new combinations, and 
several dozen handkerchiefs and stockings. One dozen 
of each kind of undergarment would be a supply for a 
moderate purse. 

In Paris the exposition du trousseau at the house of 
the bride-elect used to be given for intimate friends. 
There were boxes filled with yards of exquisite lace, 
point d’Alencon, point d’Angleterre and rare Chan- 
tilly. Jewels, furs, dresses for street, visiting, dinners 
and balls; hats, cloaks, night-dresses, peignoirs, ma¬ 
tinees, wrappers, parasols, fans and silk stockings were 
displayed, but the war has made great changes and 
practical economies. 

Extravagant lists of house linen are not to be 
considered here. 

Even though the outlay cannot be extensive a 
certain amount of house linen should be part of a 


1 88 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

bride’s possessions. Of table linens there should be 
six table-cloths and six dozen napkins, large and small. 
Two yards square is the usual size for a table-cloth 
for a small family; two and a half yards for a table 
large enough for six or eight persons. It is well to 
have a handsome cloth with napkins to match for 
formal dinners. The finest table linen is double 
damask and not covered with elaborate designs. A 
scattered design shows the fine texture of the linen. 
Table napkins vary in size from five-eighths, three 
quarters to seven-eighths of a yard square, the smaller 
ones being for breakfast and luncheon, the larger 
for dinner. 

Lace and embroidered centre-pieces are used fre¬ 
quently instead of table-cloths, this method of economy 
having been started during the war and continuing to 
hold its sway. These and some white linen side-board 
covers and a few dozen dainty doilies may be added 
to the list. Six sheets and six pillow cases are allowed 
for each bed. Six dozen towels would seem a mod¬ 
erate supply in beginning housekeeping. Blankets, 
bed spreads and bureau covers should be added. The 
fists suggested are subject always to amplification. 

White embroidery is the best taste for marking 
linen. Ink is never used. Monograms from an inch 
to two inches long are used. On table linen the 
initials are placed near the hem, across one corner, or 
on napkins they may be in the centre to show when 
folded. On sheets and pillow cases they are placed 
over the centre of the hem. 

If one proposes to be in accord with fashion there 
may be coverlets of lace, or of colored silk for beds, or 


OTHER PREPARATIONS 189 

of cream-colored linen, embroidered in graceful floral 
designs in color and bordered with an effective lace. 

A bride who takes special pride in her supply of 
household linen will tie up each set with a narrow 
ribbon and lay with each a sachet filled with lavender. 

It is usual for a bride to have her clothing, linen 
and silver marked with the initials or monogram of 
her maiden name. 


CHAPTER XXIII 


TRADITION AND SENTIMENT 

Tradition and sentiment are combined in the use 
of bridal flowers. Orange blossoms have long held 
their place as favorite emblems of happiness and 
prosperity, and these flowers were chosen by the 
ancients. The custom of wearing them was brought 
from the Orient to Europe during the time of the 
Crusaders. Myrtle is an emblem of purity and the 
bride in ancient Rome wore a wreath of roses and 
myrtle, the rose being symbolic of love. In Greece 
the altar is draped with ivy and branches of the vine 
are given to the bride and bridegroom as symbols of 
the binding tie of marriage. The Grecian bride some¬ 
times wears a wreath of hyacinths. 

Brides who wish to be lucky always comply with 
the well-known adage in wearing 

Something old and something new, 

Something borrowed and something blue. 

An old rhyme guides many brides in the choice of 
a wedding day: 

Monday for health, 

Tuesday for wealth, 

Wednesday the best day of all, 

Thursday for crosses, 

190 


TRADITION AND SENTIMENT 191 

Friday for losses, 

And Saturday no luck at all. 

Yet custom and convenience have abolished the old 
superstition about the day of the week, and Saturday 
is frequently chosen. Instances are known where 
the bride choosing the day in defiance of the old verse 
has met with prosperity, while the bride who con¬ 
formed to the rule in the selection of the “best day 
of all” met with reverses of fortune. 

Another tradition which is not always true in its 
fulfilment, is: 

Who changes the name and not the letter, 
Marries for worse and not for better. 

And still another which is foreboding and which 
originated, no doubt, as a warning to those who would 
bid defiance to proper custom, runs thus: 

If married in Lent 
You are sure to repent. 

It is said that a bride who would be lucky must 
not try on the entire wedding costume, veil and all, 
before the time to dress for the ceremony; nor would 
she permit the bridegroom to see her in her bridal 
array until he meets her at the altar, or until very 
near that hour. 

The month of May has long been regarded as 
unlucky for weddings, yet often this old superstition 
is cast aside and with happy results, and the ill-luck 
is now supposed to be removed from the month which 
is one of the loveliest of the year. June was con- 


192 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

sidered the most fortunate month among the Romans, 
the name being derived from, and sacred to, the god¬ 
dess Juno. 

The bridesmaid who is so fortunate as to catch the 
bride’s bouquet when she tosses it among the brides¬ 
maids before going away will be the first one to be 
married. 

An old saying is “three times a bridesmaid, never 
a bride,” yet a popular girl may be chosen and may 
accept in spite of this rule, but must then serve seven 
or nine times as bridesmaid if she would dispel the 
superstition. 

Strange as it may seem a few tears shed by a bride 
on the wedding day are supposed to signify happiness 
in future. 

The wedding veil, which to-day is arranged in 
various ways, and is not worn over the face, was 
intended in olden times to conceal a bride from evil 
spirits which mSght bring misfortune or injure her. 
The custom of having bridesmaids dressed alike came 
from an ancient superstition that evil spirits might 
not be able to distinguish one from the other. 

An old custom was to throw flowers at the bride 
and bridegroom as they were leaving the church. 

The traditional throwing of rice is traced to a very 
ancient custom where rice and other grain were thrown 
after a bride to signify the wish that the marriage 
might have bountiful supplies of every blessing. An 
ancient custom among the Anglo-Saxons was for the 
bride’s father to give one of her shoes, or sandals, to 
the bridegroom, who touched her head with it to show 
that the authority of the father was now deputed to 


TRADITION AND SENTIMENT 193 

the husband. An older custom was that a sandal or 
shoe was offered as an exchange because in very ancient 
days, women were considered as the property of 
fathers or husbands. Hence these very old traditions 
regarding rice-throwing and shoe-throwing have 
passed down the centuries. Ancient folklore asserts 
that evil spirits fear leather, therefore, the idea of 
throwing a shoe after a bride was intended to ward 
off danger. 

The original and unique method of carrying out 
these traditions at the marriage of Princess Mary is 
described in the chapter on Weddings. 

The Princess Marie, of Roumania, was given 
sprays of rosemary by young girls on the day of her 
wedding, rosemary being a traditional harbinger of 
good luck. 

It is supposed to be fortunate for a bride to see 
blue sky on her wedding day, when she awakens. 
Another fancy is that she should greet her mother 
first and then her father, while another is that she 
should not sign her name on that day until she is 
married. 

“Happy is the bride that the sun shines on,” runs 
the old adage, yet we are inclined to believe that a 
bride’s joy rests not merely on outward weather signs. 
True affection, hope and trust make a radiance of 
sunshine on the eventful day that joins two lives in 
marriage. 


t 


CHAPTER XXIV 

WEDDINGS 

The preferred hours for weddings are mid-day 
or afternoon. 

Ushers are a necessary part of a church wedding. 
They are supplied with lists of relatives and friends 
of the two families who are to be placed in reserved 
pews. They must be at the church an hour before 
the time for the ceremony to see that everything is 
in order. Their hats are left in the vestry-room, or 
in charge of the sexton. The boutonnieres provided 
by the bridegroom should be in readiness for them, 
having been sent by the florist by a trusty messenger, 
who sees that they receive them. The ushers then 
put the boutonnieres in their buttonholes and put on 
their gloves. The ushers may have have been assigned 
to certain aisles by the bridegroom, or they arrange 
this between themselves. In the centre aisle about 
twenty reserved pews are marked off by the ushers 
with a white ribbon arranged so that it can be dropped 
and replaced easily. As guests arrive an usher offers 
his right arm to a lady and takes her to a pew. If 
a card has been sent to a guest with the number of 
the pew this facilitates matters. If this has not been 
done the usher asks whether one is a friend of the 
bride’s family or the bridegroom’s family. Pews on 

194 


WEDDINGS 


l 9 5 

the left are for the bride’s relatives, as that plan 
brings them near the bride when she stands at the 
altar. Pews on the right are for the bridegroom’s 
family. The first pew on the left is for the bride’s 
parents. The first pew on the right is for the bride¬ 
groom’s parents. 

The bride’s parents send carriages or motors for 
the bridesmaids who assemble at the house. Their 
bouquets are then distributed. The bride’s mother 
leaves the house first and goes in the first motor. The 
bridesmaids follow in the next conveyances. The 
bride goes in a car with her father, or nearest male 
relative who is to give her away. This motor remains 
stationed at the entrance of the church near the 
awning awaiting the moment when the bride and 
bridegroom leave the church together and go to the 
house for the reception. 

In the meantime the bridegroom’s parents should 
have gone to the church to wait in the vestibule for 
the arrival of the bridal party, as they should enter 
a few moments before the bride’s mother is taken 
to her pew. 

Two servants may have been sent to the church to 
be ready in the vestibule to take charge of the wraps 
of bride and bridesmaids. 

The bridegroom and best man arrive at the church 
together shortly before the bridal party and wait in 
the vestry-room for the signal to enter. When the 
entire wedding party has arrived the doors are closed. 
An usher removes the ribbon from across the aisle. 
The head usher immediately escorts the bridegroom’s 
mother to the front pew on the right of the centre 


196 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

aisle, offering her his arm, while the father of the 
bridegroom follows alone. The usher returns in¬ 
stantly to the vestibule and escorts the bride’s mother 
to the front pew on the left of the centre aisle and 
returns to the vestibule. The procession then begins 
to form in the vestibule and at a signal the wedding 
march is heard. The first notes of the music are the 
signal for the clergyman to enter from the vestry- 
room, followed by the bridegroom and best man. 
The bridegroom stands on the chancel steps at the 
right hand side of the aisle, facing the guests and 
awaiting the coming of the bride. He takes off the 
glove from his right hand and holds it in his left 
hand. The best man is at his left, standing back a 
little. He does not remove his glove. The doors of 
the church are opened and the procession advances. 

The ushers walk two and two; the bridesmaids two 
and two; the maid-of-honor alone, in advance of the 
bride, who enters last, leaning on the arm of her 
father, or brother or nearest male relative. Arriving 
at the chancel, the ushers go to right and left and 
may remain below the chancel steps; the bridesmaids 
pass forward, taking their places one in advance of 
the other, on each side of the chancel, the maid-of- 
honor standing at the left of where the bride will 
be, in readiness to offer any assistance during the cere¬ 
mony, such as holding the bride’s bouquet and glove 
and arranging her veil and train gracefully when she 
is about to leave the altar. The bridegroom meets 
the bride at the chancel step and receives her from 
her father, takes her hand and leads her forward to 
where the clergyman stands. 


WEDDINGS 


x 97 

A very impressive custom sometimes observed is 
for the entire group to stand below the chancel step 
while the clergyman reads the opening of the mar¬ 
riage service as far as, and including, “If any man 
can show just cause why they may not be joined 
together, etc.” The bride and bridegroom then 
move forward to the chancel rail, the bridesmaids 
and best man advancing to their places, while the choir 
sings a wedding hymn, “The Voice that breathed o’er 
Eden,” or “O perfect Love, all human thoughts tran¬ 
scending.” Bride and bridegroom kneel for a brief 
prayer and then rise. The bride is at the left of the 
bridegroom during the ceremony. The best man is 
then at the right of the bridegroom, a few paces 
back. The bride’s father stands back of the bridal 
pair. When the clergyman asks, “Who giveth this 
woman to be married to this man?” the bride’s father 
advances, takes her right hand, places it in that of 
the clergyman, who places it in the right hand of 
the bridegroom for the plighting of the troth. Having 
finished this duty the bride’s father retires to the 
front pew where the bride’s mother is, whom he escorts 
later from the church. 

The wedding ring is in the care of the best man, 
and at the proper time for the giving of the ring, the 
bride hands her glove and bouquet to the maid-of- 
honor, the best man gives the ring to the bridegroom, 
who passes it to the bride, and she gives it to the 
clergyman, who returns it to the bridegroom to place 
on the third finger of the bride’s left hand. The 
circle thus formed is a symbol, as the ring is, of the 
endless contract made in marriage. 


198 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

The best man has charge of the ring because he is 
supposed to think of everything for the bridegroom 
on the wedding day. A best man must not forget the 
ring as one did, or leave it at a hotel, so that the ring 
was not forthcoming when needed in the ceremony, 
and, after a fruitless search and an awkward delay, 
the bride’s mother came valiantly forward from her 
pew, drew off her own wedding ring and gave it to be 
used! 

When leaving the chancel the newly married pair 
lead the way, the bride taking the right arm of her 
husband. The maid-of-honor follows, then the brides¬ 
maids, two and two, then the ushers; and the best 
man usually goes out by the vestry, having been en¬ 
trusted by the bridegroom with the fee for the clergy¬ 
man. If two clergymen have officiated each must 
receive a fee. 

It is allowable to have the ushers fasten white 
ribbons along each side of the pews just before the 
entrance of the bridal procession. This is done occa¬ 
sionally and prevents the confusion of guests hasten¬ 
ing from the church after the ceremony, although, as 
a rule, guests are courteous enough to wait until the 
bridal procession and the near relatives have passed 
out of the church. 

The ushers return to escort members of the family 
from the church, and should show their attention to 
any older ladies who may be present, and offer serv¬ 
ice to any ladies, escorting them to their carriages and 
motors. The ushers and best man go to the house as 
soon as they can conveniently leave the church. 

Church bells are not rung at a wedding unless there 


WEDDINGS i 99 

is a chime of bells in the belfry. In that case joyous 

wedding chimes are rung as the bridal party is leaving 
the church. 

At the house the bride’s mother stands near the 
entrance of the room where she may welcome arriving 
guests. A butler may draw aside the portiere and 
announce the names of guests to her. The bride’s 
father does not stand with her but mingles among 
the guests. The bridegroom’s mother stands near 
and guests make it a point to speak to her. Gentle¬ 
men remove their gloves before entering the room. 

The newly married pair are greeted by all the 
guests. The custom is to wish the bride happiness 
and to congratulate the bridegroom on his good for¬ 
tune. The bride is at the right of her husband, the 
maid-of-honor next to the bride, the bridesmaids are 
on each side, one in advance of the other. At a small 
wedding the best man and ushers may escort the 
guests to greet the bridal pair, but this is not done 
when there are many guests and they move forward 
as best they can. What each one may say depends 
on terms of intimacy, friendship, or more formal 
terms, but each one tries to offer best wishes with 
warmth, but briefly, in order not to prevent others 
from coming forward. A bride remembers to intro¬ 
duce her husband to any relative who may be a 
stranger to him, and he in turn introduces old friends 
to his wife. 

A very thoughtful bride remembers to thank each 
friend for the gift received, and, if possible, she 
specifies it, by mentioning the lovely mirror, or plates, 
or piece of silver, thus giving much pleasure to the 


200 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

giver. But no one must linger. It takes but a moment 
to offer greetings, express pleasure that a gift was 
liked, and then pass on quickly. 

An orchestra concealed behind palms and plants 
in the hall plays appropriate music. 

A “standing up” collation is the most popular and 
convenient fashion. Everything, both substantial and 
sweet, is on a long table in the dining-room, with 
plenty of plates in groups, forks laid together, nap¬ 
kins in groups, and the guests help themselves, the 
gentlemen attending to the ladies. People stand 
where they prefer and are not seated at tables. Some 
chairs and sofas are drawn back near the wall for the 
use of older persons. Only such refreshments are 
served as may be easily eaten while standing, bouillon, 
oysters creamed or fried, chicken salad, croquettes of 
chicken or lobster, ice cream and cake. Champagne 
used to be served at all weddings, but substitutes must 
now take its place, fruit punch, or ginger ale combined 
with white grape juice or orange juice with mint 
leaves and sugar are offered. Servants are on hand 
to assist in serving guests. 

A simple and suitable menu in winter for a wedding 
breakfast where guests are seated at small tables 
would be bouillon in cups, creamed oysters, or lobster 
Newburg, or mushrooms on toast, broiled squab and 
celery salad, ices, cake and coffee. 

A caterer always supplies the food and brings the 
necessary servants as well as the china, linen and 
glass. 

At a seated breakfast the bride and bridegroom 
may sit at the head of their table, or at the centre of 


WEDDINGS 


201 


it at one side. The bride is at the right of her 
husband. The best man, ushers and bridesmaids are 
on either side. At another table are placed the parents 
of the bride and bridegroom with other near relatives 
and the clergyman who officiated at the ceremony. 

On the bride’s table is a bride’s cake and she cuts 
it, or makes the first incision. Lucky pieces may be 
hidden within it. 

Wedding cake is in small white boxes tied with 
white ribbon, the boxes being on a table in the hall 
or dining-room, and each guest is expected to take 
one. A gold monogram formed of the initials of 
the bride and bridegroom is on each box. 

After the breakfast there is dancing in the drawing¬ 
room. The bride and her husband dance together 
first and then v r ith others. The bride stays about 
an hour w r ith the guests and then leaves to change her 
dress for going away. Her bridesmaids assemble at 
the foot of the stairs and she tosses her bouquet to 
them; the one who catches it is supposed to be the 
next to be married. 

The bridegroom changes his clothes for a traveling 
suit before leaving on the wedding journey, putting 
on a suit of tweed or cheviot, the coat a sack or cut¬ 
away, and he wears a soft hat—not a silk hat—dark- 
tan dogskin gloves and a dark tie. 

On the morning of the wedding the bridegroom 
should arrange to send to the house a valise or suit¬ 
case containing his change of attire for traveling, a 
room being provided for him. The best man goes 
upstairs with him to be of any service. He should 


202 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

not neglect to see that the car is in readiness in which 
the bride and bridegroom are to drive away. 

The bridegroom awaits the bride at the stairs. The 
departure may be merry but should be dignified. 
Leave-takings are brief. The custom of throwing 
rice for good luck, if indulged in at all, should not 
be overdone. 

The very latest fashion, introduced in London, on 
the occasion of the Princess Mary’s wedding, was the 
throwing of tiny paper rose leaves, little horse-shoes 
and slippers, these having been made by disabled 
soldiers of the war. King George and his sons ran 
out and threw these for good luck as Princess Mary 
and her husband drove away from Buckingham 
Palace. 

Practical jokes which call public attention to the 
carriage in which a newly married pair drive away 
are against all rules of etiquette. 

Charming decorations for spring and summer 
weddings may be seasonable flowers massed in orna¬ 
mental effects for church or house. Branches of 
apple blossoms or masses of white lilacs are used to 
advantage. 

Palms and potted plants, hired from a florist, are 
grouped about the chancel of the church and form a 
good background, but even this scheme of decoration 
may be overdone until the chancel resembles a forest 
and the wedding party is hidden and the effect spoiled. 

Bunches of white flowers tied with white ribbons 
are at the end of pews in the centre aisle or merely 
on pews reserved for relatives and intimate friends. 


WEDDINGS 203 

•Roses and lilies are used in the spring, white chrysan¬ 
themums in the autumn. 

In any scheme of decoration it is well to remember 
that flowers are intended to grace an occasion and 
not to form an extravagant display. They are ar¬ 
ranged almost with apparent carelessness, yet this 
requires taste and skill. They are in vases in nooks 
and corners of drawing-room and library and on 
tables, mantels, or in any spot where a vase may seem 
appropriate. Festoons of flowers are not hung on 
walls or mirrors, floral wedding bells are out of 
fashion. Tall palms of the finest quality are used as 
a background where the bride and bridegroom stand. 
Smaller palms or flowering plants are at the side. 

A very charming scheme of decoration for an early 
spring wedding is of pink and white tulips, Easter 
lilies and masses of potted pink azaleas. 

There need be no difficulty in finding flowers for 
an out-of-town wedding. Daisies, ferns and feathery 
grasses, laurel or the fragrant syringa, sometimes 
known by the old-fashioned name of “mock-orange,” 
may be gathered for a wedding in spring. Charming 
bouquets for bride and bridesmaids and effects for 
house decoration may be arranged by deft fingers. 

The autumn fields and roadsides afford a plentiful 
supply of golden-rod, purple aster, sumach and moun¬ 
tain ash. Branches of frost-tinted leaves of maple 
and oak may be used with good effect. Among culti¬ 
vated flowers hydrangeas or chrysanthemums are 
very decorative. 

The true lover of flowers must often be grieved at 
the use, or rather the abuse, of them. To overload a 


204 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

table with flowers is to destroy their beauty. The 
best way to show their loveliness to advantage is to 
place a few of them in tall vases. To strew roses 
and orchids on tables at wedding breakfasts, where 
they die for lack of water, is an abuse, and to throw 
flowers on the pathway of a bride, to be crushed under 
foot, is, fortunately, not considered good form, and 
they are now spared this ignominious treatment. A 
custom to be commended is the sending of flowers 
which have served as decorations at weddings, to per¬ 
sons who are ill and suffering. The invalids in hospitals 
are cheered by these fragrant messengers, sent by a 
bride, and they seem to carry with them the joy of 
the occasion which they graced. 

At a recent wedding in the country lavish decora¬ 
tions were used for the church and house. At the 
church bay trees in boxes were at either side of the 
entrance path. The porch was a bower of vines and 
white asters. Each pew in the centre aisle had a 
cluster of white roses fastened at the end. The 
chancel was banked with tree-ferns and roses, blue 
delphinium making a contrasting color. 

Wedding anniversaries may be celebrated in any 
informal way. The first year is the paper wedding; 
five years, wooden; ten years, tin; fifteen, crystal; 
twenty, china. The later anniversaries are always 
regarded as sacred as the years go on: twenty-five, 
silver; fifty, golden; seventy-five, diamond. The 
paper, wooden, tin and crystal weddings are merely 
opportunities for a little fun. Amusing or useful 
gifts are sent. There may be a dance in the evening. 
As many of the bridesmaids and ushers as can be 


WEDDINGS 


205 

brought together are always at a wedding anniversary 
party. 

The silver wedding is of especial interest and joy. 
Usually there is a family dinner. The chief persons, 
the original bride and bridegroom, are then in the 
very prime of life. Their children are men and 
women, possibly married, with little children of their 
own and the occasion is a joyous gathering and a time 
for considering many blessings. If a reception for 
friends is given in the evening they bring presents of 
silver, not necessarily expensive. Small articles may 
be given for the table, desk or toilet table, odd spoons, 
little dishes, trays, boxes, pencils or buckles. Children 
unite in giving their parents a silver loving-cup, marked 
“Silver Wedding,” with the dates and initials. 

A “Golden Wedding” is even more sacred, and a 
wonderful and serious anniversary. Children, grand¬ 
children and great-grandchildren help to make the 
day happy. Gifts of gold are sent by everyone who 
is invited to the celebration. 


CHAPTER XXV 

HOUSE WEDDINGS 

Many persons seem confused in their ideas of 
what constitutes an informal wedding. They fancy 
that there is formality in wearing a bridal veil, or 
formality if the bride enters the church or room with 
her father. Although no rule compels a bride to wear 
a veil, it is the custom to wear one when in white 
bridal dress. 

The chief aim at a house wedding is to have every¬ 
thing as simple as possible. A few necessary arrange¬ 
ments are made in order that all may be done in a 
dignified manner and without confusion. 

If a bride wears a traveling dress for the ceremony 
she may have a matron-of-honor or a maid-of-honor, 
but no other bridesmaids, the attendant wearing an 
appropriate street dress and hat to harmonize with 
the bride’s costume. 

The giving in marriage by the bride’s father is 
not a mere fashion or a form reserved for a cere¬ 
monious occasion. It is a parental obligation and is 
customary at the most informal weddings. 

At a house wedding the guests are received by the 
bride’s mother. The father does not appear until he 
brings his daughter into the room for the ceremony. 

Guests remain standing while others are arriving, 

206 


HOUSE WEDDINGS 


207 

and they stand during the ceremony and reception. 
Furniture is moved back near the walls to make space, 
and a few chairs and sofas are retained for the needs 
of older persons. 

A few musicians or a pianist may play wedding 
music from “Lohengrin” when the bridal procession 
enters, and Mendelssohn’s “Wedding March” at the 
close of the ceremony. Music even in soft tones, 
during the ceremony, is not advisable. 

In town an awning is raised from curb to the door 
of the house and a carpet is laid on the sidewalk. 

A room is provided where the ushers may assemble 
on their arrival, and a room for the clergyman where 
he may put on his vestments for the ceremony and 
remove them afterwards. The clergyman does not 
appear until the bridal procession is in readiness. 

The way of entering the room for the ceremony 
is essentially the same as for entering a church. At 
the hour for the ceremony the clergyman enters, fol¬ 
lowed by the bridegroom and the best man. They 
take their places facing the guests. 

An aisle may be formed by having four young girls 
enter the room carrying white ribbons. Two of the 
girls stand at the doorway, and two walk forward, 
courteously separating the guests into groups on each 
side and carrying the ribbons to the place where the 
ceremony will be. Between these ribbons the bridal 
party advances. 

Assuming that the wedding is simple—with two 
ushers and a maid-of-honor—the ushers enter, then 
the maid-of-honor, preceding the bride, who comes 
in leaning on her father’s right arm. The ushers go 


208 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

to left and right, the maid-of-honor goes to the left 
of where the bride will stand, the bridegroom meets 
the bride, takes her hand, the father steps back and 
waits until the time for giving away the bride, when 
he may withdraw after performing that duty. 

The bride’s mother may give her away if the father 
is not living. The bride may enter the room walking 
beside her mother, not leaning on her arm, or the 
bride may enter with her maid-of-honor. The mother, 
who would have been receiving the guests until shortly 
before the time for the bridal party to enter the 
room, may take her place quietly toward the left of 
where the bride and bridegroom will stand. At the 
proper time in the ceremony she should advance, take 
the bride’s right hand in hers and place it in that of 
the clergyman, who will then place it in the right 
hand of the bridegroom. Having thus done her duty 
in the ceremony she would step back but remain 
standing near until the end of the ceremony. 

If it is preferred to have a cushion and rail by 
which the bride and bridegroom may kneel during 
the service, this may be hired for the occasion from 
a florist. During the ceremony the bridal party have 
their backs to the guests, the clergyman facing them 
as in a church. After the ceremony the clergyman con¬ 
gratulates the newly married pair, and then moves 
away and they turn to be greeted by their friends. 
The white ribbons which have formed an aisle are 
removed by the ushers. 

The maid-of-honor is then at the right of the bride. 
The best man moves away and makes himself useful 


HOUSE WEDDINGS 


209 

later as an usher by bringing guests to speak to the 
bride and bridegroom. 

A bride’s parents are the first to offer congratula¬ 
tions and they do so in whatever words are prompted 
by affection and interest. 

After half an hour occupied in receiving congratu¬ 
lations, the bride and bridegroom lead the way to 
the dining-room, the best man following with the 
maid-of-honor. The bride’s father may take the 
bridegroom’s mother, the other guests entering in¬ 
formally, the bride’s mother coming last with the 
father of the bridegroom or the clergyman who per¬ 
formed the ceremony. 

If the breakfast is a seated one the method is 
explained in the preceding chapter. If there are few 
guests, one large table may accommodate all, but it 
is usual, and makes a better effect, to have several 
small tables in the dining-room and adjoining rooms. 
The veranda is also used if it is a country wedding in 
summer. All the tables are decorated with vases of 
flowers. 

A more simple way is to serve a buffet breakfast, if 
there are as many as fifty guests,' having everything 
on a large table in the dining-room, from which the 
guests help themselves and each other. Salads, cro¬ 
quettes of chicken or lobster, sandwiches, ice cream, 
cakes and bonbons are easily and quickly served. 
Simple things may be made at home, and it is not a 
great expense to order ice cream and cake from a 
confectioner. 

There may be a bride’s cake cut by the bride, or 
wedding cake in small white boxes, tied with white 


2io EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 


ribbon, may be on a table, each guest being expected 
to take a box. 

Effective and inexpensive decorations may be ar¬ 
ranged by hiring from a florist a few palms and 
growing plants and placing them as a background 
where the bride and bridegroom are to stand for the 
ceremony. In summer there may be masses of daisies 
and ferns in bowls and vases on tables and mantels. 

Women wear hats at a house wedding in the day¬ 
time, unless requested personally by the bride to come 
without hats. 

Guests should arrive a few minutes in advance of 
the hour stated in the invitation, as the ceremony is 
supposed to take place precisely at the time indicated. 
A man-servant is always stationed at the house en¬ 
trance to open carriage or motor doors for arriving 
and departing guests. He may be asked at what time 
cars are being ordered for departures. On entering, 
one should seek the hostess and not linger to greet 
friends. Unless guests are on intimate terms with the 
bride’s family they are not expected to wait until the 
bride leaves. 


CHAPTER XXVI 


WEDDING INVITATIONS AND ANNOUNCEMENTS 

Wedding invitations are issued in the names of a 
bride’s parents or near relatives, and are sent out not 
later than two weeks in advance of the date for the 
marriage. The invitations are engraved on heavy 
white note paper of fine quality, in kid or parchment 
finish, without monogram, crest or device, although the 
family crest is sometimes embossed in white. Paper 
with a plate-mark or raised margin is used at present. 
The average size of the paper is seven inches long by 
five wide. The engraving occupies about three and 
a half inches of space on the paper. The style of 
lettering is plain script, block or shaded block. The 
invitation is folded once to fit the inner envelope, 
which is without mucilage and left unsealed, and is 
addressed with the name only. The outer envelope 
is sealed, stamped and addressed in full. 

Formal invitations of every description are always 
in the third person. The utmost punctiliousness is 
observed in forms for wedding invitations and mar¬ 
riage announcements. 

Fashion decrees that the word “honor” should be 
spelled “honour” on wedding invitations, according to 
English usage, and that there should be little or no 
punctuation. 

The best form is to have a blank space on the 
invitation and the name of the guest written in by hand. 


2i2 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 


The preferred form is: 

Ms*. an© Mr@. Livimcss’fom Mokton 

tieijej honour oef* 

(Name of guest is written in this space) 

I’aS.SESJEK'dE AT TEIIE M AUSSSIAOE! CDF TIIFIIE I&AflJOEITaSES. 

Alice Maud 

TO 

Mm. Winthrop EIuiw , 2M(K’irc5W 

OM WF3DNESDAY,, TTHI^S EI.EVEKTH OIF 

AT HALF AIFTE35 T US IS 1333 O’CI^OdJlK 
AT (GKACE C^BURCK 

The reception card, which is enclosed with the in¬ 
vitation, has a space for the name of the guest: 

Mk» a^hd Livingston Morton 

EKQUEST 'TUHIK ASTU 5 SJE OIF' 

(Name of guest is written in this space) 
company on Webnesiday, thhie jei^evjenthc CD IF" Apkil 

AT IF’OUIK C'CLOCK 

at Twenty-sis ^IVest TTVJErsnriE'xini Street 


WEDDING INVITATIONS 


213 


A form which may be used is: 


arid ^/{arrtAon S$/eccand#v 

reyaed l/ie Aonotw- /ive&ence 

al die mayrla^e l/ieie daa^/iler 

fdjmi&e 



An invitation to a wedding breakfast following a 
mid-day church wedding is according to the same rule 
as for a wedding reception and is a card enclosed with 
the invitation to the church, and engraved in the 
same style as the invitation. 

Mr. and Mrs. Harrison Alexander 
request the pleasure of your company 
on Thursday, the sixth of December 
at-half after twelve o’clock 
at Two hundred Madison Avenue 


214 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

With a church invitation a small card is always 
enclosed as a safeguard for privacy in a large city. 
The engraving is the same as the invitation: 



Cards for reserved pews for members of the two 
families and intimate friends are enclosed giving the 
number of the pew to which a guest is assigned. The 
card may be the personal visiting card of the bride’s 
mother, with the words, “Pew No. 5,” written at the 
top. 

The words on an engraved card may be: 

Please present this card to an usher 

Pew No. 

on Thursday, the sixth of December. 

The number of the pew is written by hand. 

If a bride has but one parent living, invitations are 
in the name of the parent. If a bride has no parent 
living, invitations are issued by her nearest relatives, 



WEDDING INVITATIONS 


215 

who may be grandparents, a brother, an older sister, 
married sister, uncle or aunt. 

If her mother has married again, the invitations are 
in the name of her mother and stepfather, the words 
“their daughter” being used and the bride’s full name 
being given. In the case of a married sister and her 
husband issuing the cards, the words “their sister” are 
used. 

For a house wedding the form used is, “request the 
honour of your company,” instead of “the honour of 
your presence,” as for a church ceremony, and it is 
obvious that no reception card is required. The name 
of the guest is written in the space. 

Mr. and Mrs. James Kingsford 
request the honour of 

(Name of guest is written in this space) 

company at the marriage of their daughter 

Eleanor 

to 

Mr. John Winslow Foster 

on the afternoon of Tuesday, the fifth of June 
at half after three o’clock 
at Blythebrook 

Irvington-on-Hudson, New York 

If a wedding is to take place at home, with only the 
family at the ceremony and a reception following, invi- 


216 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 


tations to the ceremony may be written notes, and an 
engraved invitation sent for the reception, thus: 

Mr. and Mrs. Henry Atherton 
request the pleasure of your company 
at the wedding breakfast of their daughter 

Isabel 

and 

Mr. Arthur Ernest Maitland 
on Wednesday, the seventh of November 

at one o’clock 

at Five East Thirty-fifth Street 

The favour of a 
reply is requested 

With out-of-town wedding invitations a train card is 
enclosed: 

A train on the 

New York Central and Hudson River Railroad 
will leave Grand Central Station, New York 
at two-ten P. M. 

Returning trains will leave Irvington 
at five-three and six-twelve. 


A special car is often engaged by the bride’s parents 
to take guests to an out-of-town wedding. It is attached 
to the regular train. Cards admitting the guests to this 
car are enclosed to them. 


WEDDING INVITATIONS 


217 


Conveyances are provided at the expense of the 
bride’s parents to meet guests at the station and take 
them to and from the house on arrival and departure 
of trains. 

Occasionally a special train is chartered and this 
plan is the perfection of comfort and pleasure. A card 
is enclosed with the invitation bearing information in 
regard to trains, and the words: 

Please show this card at the gate 

For a country wedding the invitation to the reception 
is sometimes added to the one for the church ceremony: 


an</ m, 


Iv. and syfM rd&raCd yOnonton 




S, v. /i. 


218 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

A bride whose parents are not living, and who is to 
have an informal wedding at a church and a small 
breakfast afterwards at the house of a relative, may 
write to her friends thus: 

Dear Alice: 

Arthur and I are to he married on Tuesday, 
April seventeenth, at Grace Church Chantry, at 
half-past twelve o’clock. We hope you will be 
sure to come, and that you will come afterwards 
to a small breakfast which Aunt Anna is giving 
for us at Five West Tenth Street. 

Always affectionately, 

Maud. 

The professional title of a physician or a clergyman 
is used as a prefix without abbreviation on invitations 
or announcements, thus: Doctor William Post; the 
Reverend John Sedgwick. An officer in the Army or 
Navy above the rank of a lieutenant has his title as a 
prefix. The rule is that an officer below that rank 
should have the name thus: 

Mr. Reginald Ramsay 
Lieutenant United States Navy 

Wedding invitations and marriage announcements 
are addressed separately to Mr. and Mrs. Lawrence 
Brown, one to the Misses Brown, and one to each 
young man in the family. 

At a double wedding a separate ceremony is per¬ 
formed for each couple, and separate announcements 
are sent out when two sisters have been married. 


WEDDING INVITATIONS 219 

Ihe term “marriage announcement” must not be 
confused in the mind with wedding invitations. An¬ 
nouncements are issued after a wedding, and are forms 
sent to notify those who were not invited to a wedding 
of a bride’s change of name and estate. The announce¬ 
ments are engraved on paper of the same quality used 
for invitations. They are in the name of a bride’s 
parents or nearest relatives. 


. anct ifa/tey 0$eehman 


have the hencav to announce 
the mavviaye of their c/auyhtew 
0aro/a 


line 


to 




jfiohn e/^envy fPo/cott 


on 0hhicr$</ay, t/ie nineteenth o^ St/firih 
0ne thousand, nine hunc/nect unit twenty-three 
at t/ie (ohantry o^ 0/race ^iohtench 


220 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

The following form indicates the manner in which 
near relatives may issue an announcement: 

Mr. and Mrs. Duncan Woodward 
announce the marriage of their niece 
Janet Churchill Howland 
to 

Mr. Langdon Floyd 
on Wednesday, the sixth of June 
One thousand nine hundred and twenty-three 

at Wind Crest 
Lenox, Massachusetts 


The year is always given in an announcement, but not 
in an invitation. 

When a widow marries again parents or near rela¬ 
tives issue the announcement. A young widow should 
follow this custom and even an older woman often 
adheres to this rule. 

In this case the widow-bride's name is given thus: 
Mrs. Katherine Robinson Howard. 


WEDDING INVITATIONS 


221 


A widow of mature years may send an announce¬ 
ment in these words: 

Mrs. Harriet Foster 
and 

Mr. Edward Mathews 
have the honour to announce their marriage 
on Saturday, the sixth of October 
One thousand nine hundred and twenty-three 
at Albany, New York 


Their card with future address may be enclosed: 

Mr. and Mrs. Edward Mathews 

oo State Street 


Mistakes frequently occur in publishing a marriage 
notice in a newspaper. It is incorrect to say, “daughter 
of Mr. and Mrs. The proper form is “daughter of 
George Brown,” or, if the father is not living, “the 
late George Brown.” The mother’s name is not 
included. 

Another serious mistake is to publish a marriage 
notice, “Mr. and Mrs. George Brown announce the 
marriage of their daughter, etc.” 


222 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 


The simplest form and the correct usage is: 

Robinson-Douglas.—On Wednesday, June 6, 
at Grace Church, New York, by the Rev. 

John Goode, D.D., Mary, daughter of 
Robert Douglas, to George Frederick 
Robinson. 

For a wedding anniversary the invitations have the 
dates of the years at the top of the engraved invita¬ 
tions. 


1898-1923 

Mr. and Mrs. Horace Griswold 
request the pleasure of 
your company on the 

Twenty-fifth anniversary of their marriage 
on Tuesday evening, the sixth of November 
at half after nine o’clock 


The favour of an answer Five Elmwood Place 

is requested 



CHAPTER XXVII 


CHRISTENINGS 

Young mothers frequently wish to know the correct 
way to announce a child’s birth, and how to arrange a 
christening. 

A birth is not “announced” in any formal manner, 
nor is it the recognized custom to send cards telling 
of the event. A member of the family usually tele¬ 
phones, or writes, or sends telegrams to near rela¬ 
tives, or intimate friends who are supposed to be 
interested. In that way the news becomes known. 

In F gland the custom is to insert a notice in the 
newspapers, but this is not favored in America. 

Sometimes the news of a birth is sent to the society 
editor of a newspaper, and it appears simply in a 
paragraph that, “Mr. and Mrs. Charles Dale are to 
be congratulated on the birth of a son on May 6,” 
but it is not the custom to publish the information 
of a child’s birth in the regular columns set aside for 
paid notices. 

A method occasionally followed, but not in our 
large cities, is to send the mother’s visiting card with 
a tiny card attached by a narrow white ribbon, the 
little card bearing the baby’s full name and date of 
birth. These are sent to intimate friends of the 
family. 

Friends and acquaintances who are informed by 

223 


224 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

note, telephone or telegram, or who have received 
cards, try to call to inquire for the mother and child 
and to leave cards, or they leave flowers or send a 
congratulatory note to the mother. The husband 
gives a beautiful gift to his wife, usually a ring, or 
other jewel, as a memento of the happy occasion. 

A child’s christening takes place usually when the 
baby is about six weeks or two months old. Some 
parents prefer an earlier date. The ceremony should 
be performed in a church. If there is any good reason 
why it cannot be held there, it may be held at home. 

A difficult matter is in making a choice of sponsors 
or godparents. The custom is to select these from 
among relatives or intimate friends. They are in¬ 
vited verbally or by an informal note written by the 
mother. The rule is that a boy shall have two god¬ 
fathers and one godmother; a girl, one godfather 
and two godmothers. There is, or should be, some¬ 
thing very beautiful about this time-honored relation¬ 
ship. It is a serious one and not to be regarded as a 
mere form. Parents are, of course, the natural 
sponsors, but, should they die, the godparents are in 
duty bound to see that a child is brought to confirma¬ 
tion at the proper time. 

Gifts are made to the child by the godparents, and 
are sent a few days before the appointed day for the 
baptism, the usual presents being silver cups, bowls, 
or a silver knife, fork and spoon. The large silver is 
marked with the child’s full name and the line may 
follow, “From his godmother,” or, “From his god¬ 
father,” with the full name of the sponsor and the 
date of christening. The parents often choose the 


CHRISTENINGS 







225 


practical plan of depositing an amount of money in a 
savings bank to the child’s credit. A rich godfather 
or godmother sometimes makes a valuable invest¬ 
ment for the child’s benefit. 

When a christening is to be at a church the hour 
chosen may be on Sunday, after the afternoon service, 
but may be arranged for any convenient day and 
hour. Only the families of the parents, the sponsors 
and very dear personal friends are present, as a gen¬ 
eral rule, although there is no reason why others may 
not be included. 

The child is appropriately dressed in a dainty white 
robe and lace cap, and is carried into the church in the 
arms of the nurse. The sponsors and parents stand 
near the font where the clergyman reads the service, 
and others take their places in front pews. The baby’s 
hood and coat are removed. 

The sponsors should have informed themselves of 
their duties and the responses required of them in 
the service according to the prayer-book. It is inex¬ 
cusable and very embarrassing for them not to be 
prepared to respond. The godmother must be very 
sure of the name to be given to the child. If there 
is any doubt that she may forget it, the name may 
be written on a paper or card and entrusted to her. 
The godmother takes the child from the nurse, holds 
the little one in her arms until the moment when 
she must place the baby in the left arm of the clergy¬ 
man in order that his right hand may be free to 
perform the ceremony of baptism. At the moment 
in the service when the clergyman says to the god¬ 
mother, “Name this child,” she speaks the name very 









226 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

distinctly, in a clear voice. After the baby is baptized 
the clergyman returns the little one to the godmother 
to hold until the conclusion of the service. 

After the ceremony there is usually a luncheon or 
tea at the home of the parents, to which all who have 
been at the church are invited, the clergyman of course 
being included. 

At a house christening the same forms are observed. 
The afternoon is the proper time. The occasion, 
although a joyous one, is really a religious ceremony, 
and from its character should not be turned into an 
elaborate entertainment. 

A room is provided where the clergyman may put 
on his vestments. The clergyman, sponsors and 
parents of the child enter the room where friends 
are assembled. The nurse carries the baby, who 
does not wear a hood or coat in the house. 

White flowers in tall vases may be appropriately 
used to decorate the table on which the baptismal 
bowl is placed. A silver bowl which is valued from 
family associations is generally used. The water 
with which the sacred rite has been performed should 
be poured out afterwards on the ground, not care¬ 
lessly thrown away. 

There may be a profusion of palms and white 
flowers in the rooms. White decorations are the rule 
for the table in the dining-room, white flowers, cakes 
and bonbons. The refreshments are similar to those 
for a tea. Chocolate with whipped cream may be 
served from one end of the table by a friend or sister 
of the hostess; a tea service at the opposite end may 
be presided over by a friend. 


CHRISTENINGS 227 

Formerly it was the custom to serve caudle, the 
old-fashioned beverage of highly-seasoned, spiced 
gruel, prepared the day before, and having other 
ingredients added before serving, which the law of 
prohibition now prevents, therefore the rules for 
making it are not given. 

The baby’s gifts may be on a table, the cards of the 
givers having been removed. The baby is of course 
the centre of interest for a space of time, and carried 
about by the nurse for friends and relatives to admire, 
but the mother wisely Sends the nurse and baby to 
the nursery before the little one becomes weary or 
fretful. 

An old custom, sometimes revived, is to give the 
baby a present of an egg and salt for good luck. 
Another custom is in the belief that the child should 
be carried upstairs before being carried down and for 
the first outing should be taken to the house of a 
dear relative. 

A fee, which may be a check or in gold, is always 
presented to the clergyman by the child’s father on 
the day of the christening, and is for one of the 
charities of the church. A car or carriage is pro¬ 
vided to convey the clergyman to and from the house 
when the ceremony is at home, or when any hospital¬ 
ity is to follow a christening in a church. 

At a church christening women guests wear street 
or reception dresses and hats and the child’s mother 
does the same. At a home christening reception gowns 
and hats are worn by women, but the mother of the 
baby dispenses with a hat. 


CHAPTER XXVIII 


HOSPITALITY IN A COUNTRY HOUSE 

To some persons the talent for being a hostess 
comes by nature. It is a gift. Others may acquire the 
art by experience. There are some who, with the best 
intentions, fail in this line of social effort. Self- 
consciousness and tactlessness are among the causes of 
failure. The great variety in hostesses has been defined 
by someone who says there is the charming hostess, 
the merely good hostess, the indifferent and bad host¬ 
ess. Of the first it seems needless to explain that she 
has graceful and composed manners and has the gift 
for saying the right thing at the right time and the 
talent for drawing out what is best in people and 
making them feel at ease. She is cheerful, appears free 
from care, and possesses the faculty of “staying at 
home in her own mind,” a faculty of the utmost impor¬ 
tance, as a disturbed, absent-minded hostess can never 
be a successful one. The perfect hostess gives a per¬ 
sonal welcome and perhaps an especial one. Her 
genial qualities and gracious manners make the most 
agreeable impression on her guests and quite insensibly 
react upon them, and give them a corresponding wish 
to please. 

If the brilliant qualities mentioned are lacking the 
good hostess makes up for them by consideration for 


HOSPITALITY 229 

her guests. Complete unselfishness is her strong point. 
The desire to do everything for their pleasure, com¬ 
fort and convenience is paramount in her mind. 

Those who are innately thoughtless may be able to 
mould themselves in time, although they remain often 
indifferent hostesses from sheer carelessness. Those 
who are in the category of bad hostesses have a variety 
of defects. Selfishness is one of the faults to be 
enumei atcd in a hostess who thinks first of her own 
gratification and amusement and is utterly indifferent 
as to whether her guests are happy or not. She has 
little regard for time, procrastinates so hopelessly that 
she is not ready to receive her friends at the proper 
moment; puts off making arrangements for their com- 
foit or amusement until it is too late; is never ready 
to go out at an appointed hour and keeps others wait¬ 
ing; or she goes to her room to dress when she should 
be in the drawing-room before dinner. 

d he indifferent or bad hostess who is guilty of being 
absent when guests arrive, finally makes her appearance 
in breathless haste and with numerous apologies, but 
unless there is some excellent reason for such absence 
her friends are apt to feel that it is a lack of con¬ 
sideration which amounts to rudeness. Her excuses 
may be admitted, but if she is simply selfish she is 
unable to hide the fact of indifference to the opinion 
of anyone, and her excuses may add to the offence. 

It is taken for granted, therefore, that the intention 
of anyone offering hospitality is to be included in the 
class to which belongs the charming, gracious and 
thoughtful hostess, and to study the method by which 
success may be attained. 


230 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

The success of a house-party depends largely on 
inviting people who know each other well, or who, 
when introduced, will find plenty of interests in 
common. 

Whether the hostess has a spacious house where she 
can accommodate a number of guests, or a modest 
abode where only a few may be bidden, she chooses 
her guests with tact and remembers that congeniality 
of tastes will be essential to their pleasure in the visit. 
She knows that learned college professors, sport-loving 
persons, and persons in delicate health may not find 
each others’ society agreeable. Alienated friends are 
not to be brought together, or embarrassing situations 
may occur. 

Invitations are by note, telephone, or telegram, and 
may be sent two weeks in advance or on short notice. 
The period for the visit is definitely stated in the invi¬ 
tations. This sensible rule prevents any misunder¬ 
standing. From “Saturday to Monday,” or for the 
“week-end,” as it is called, or “for a week,” giving the 
exact dates, is a frank form of invitation fully recog¬ 
nized as correct. The hour for the most convenient 
train is mentioned and a time-table may be enclosed in 
a note. The words, “house-party,” are never used in 
an invitation. 

It is understood that an invitation does not include 
luncheon on the day of departure. 

A note should always be sent when anyone is invited 
for the first time, even if a telephone message has 
been sent in advance. When inviting a married pair 
the invitation is sent to the wife. If an engaged girl 
and her fiance are to be invited separate invitations are 


HOSPITALITY 23I 

sent. Two brothers must receive separate notes. 
When two sisters are invited the note is to the elder 
and the younger is included. It does not often follow 
that two sisters or two brothers accept, as their engage¬ 
ments may prevent, but there are circumstances where 
it does not appear courteous to ask one without the 
other. 

When a house-party is to be made up of young 
people who often come to the house, they are invited 
by telephone messages, sent by the hostess. 

There are occasions when a verbal or telephone invi¬ 
tation should be followed by a written note. Vague 
and indefinite verbal invitations are not to be regarded 
as having any claim as an engagement. Thus, if a 
lady has mentioned to another in the winter that she 
would like to have her come for a visit for a few days, 
or a week, in June, it is necessary to repeat the invi¬ 
tation by note when the time approaches, otherwise 
inconvenience may result to each in arranging plans. 
A general suggestion for a note from a formal hostess 
may be: 

Dear Miss Palmer: 

We are hoping to have a few friends with us 
the second week in June, and it will give my hus¬ 
band and me so much pleasure if you will come 
to us from Saturday, the ninth, to Friday, the 
fifteenth. We can promise you golf at the club, 
and some evening dances, so you may come pre¬ 
pared for sport and festivities. 

The best train from New York arrives at our 
station at 5 o’clock, and I will meet you. 



232 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 


I trust that nothing may prevent you from 


coming. 


Yours sincerely, 

Mary Griswold. 


In the note the names of those who are expected 
may be mentioned. 

It may be that a hostess is not sure whether it will 
be convenient for a friend to take a certain train or 
make necessary connections. In that case she states 
merely the dates, encloses a time-table, and asks the 
friend for information as to what time she may be 
expected. 

A mother sends a note to her daughter’s girl 
friend, although she may not have met her, and it is 
obvious that a mother does the same if her son wishes 
to invite a young man whom she had not met, a col¬ 
lege friend, or some other. 

Obviously, it follows that a phrase to a son’s friend 
may be, “If you are free from Saturday, the tenth, 
until Monday, the twelfth, it will be a pleasure to have 
you come to us. My son hopes you may be able to 
arrange for a visit.” 

To a married friend, a hostess would write, “Will 
you and Mr. Ransome come to us, etc.?” 

For a week-end visit guests often arrive by their 
own motors. While it may not be an obligation to 
meet a guest arriving by train, and it is impossible 
when expecting a number of friends, it is obligatory 
for a hostess to send a car to the station to meet trains, 
or to order other conveyances and have the expense 
charged to herself. Arrangements for the conveyance 


HOSPITALITY 


233 

of luggage should be made and the luggage placed in 
rooms assigned to guests. 

It may be that a hostess expects only one guest and 
goes to the station to meet her and it is her duty to 
consider her friend's comfort first, therefore she should 
not propose stopping at a country club on the way 
home to see the finish of a tennis match, while her 
friend may be tired, or is conscious of being inappro¬ 
priately dressed; nor should a hostess stop by the way 
to do unfinished errands. To drive home immediately 
should be her first thought, so that her friend may 
refresh herself, otherwise a hostess would come within 
the category of the selfish hostess. 

On arriving at some country houses, cards bearing 
the names of guests, and having ribbons attached, are 
found in the respective rooms, and guests tie the checks 
and keys of trunks or suit-cases on the cards and leave 
them in their rooms. Luggage is thus identified and 
placed in rooms and maids and valets proceed to un¬ 
pack, hang up and lay out belongings. 

In a household where few servants are employed 
a maid is detailed, at least, to unlock or unstrap a 
woman’s luggage and to offer any assistance necessary. 

A cordial greeting by the host and hostess on the 
arrival of their guests is a bounden duty and a cup 
of tea offered is refreshing. Guests may ask to be 
shown to their rooms, if they wish, to make themselves 
look more presentable after a journey, but they should 
not delay returning, as the hostess may be wishing 
to serve tea. 

The guest-rooms should have been carefully in- 




234 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

spected by the hostess before guests arrive. She sees 
that nothing is lacking for comfort and convenience. 

In a well-appointed country house a bath-room is 
attached to each room, but at least it is required that 
the occupants of not more than two rooms should share 
a bath-room. There must be fresh towels, wash 
cloths, new soap and a bath mat. If each room has a 
wash-stand it will be a convenience and this must be 
supplied with towels, fresh water and new soap. 

On the bedside table a candlestick and matches 
should be provided, even where an electric light is at 
hand. On this table a small tray with a jug and 
glass for iced-water at night are necessary. 

All the accessories for writing should be on a desk 
or table; note paper, a well-filled inkstand, pens, a few 
telegraph blanks, and a calendar will be found most 
acceptable to a guest. A waste-paper basket near the 
desk is important, and is often forgotten by a hostess. 
Some new books or magazines are necessary in the 
guest-room; not old, left-over reading matter. Women 
like to find a work-basket on the dressing-table, sup¬ 
plied with thimble, needles, thread and scissors. A 
pin-cushion with plenty of pins should be there. A 
brush and comb, a hand mirror, a clothes brush may 
be needed before luggage arrives. Clothes closets and 
bureau drawers are made immaculately clean with 
white paper lining for shelves and drawers, and the 
receptacles mentioned must never contain anything 
which suggests usurpation of space by the hostess or 
a former occupant. 

A few fresh flowers in a vase on the dressing-table 
offer a pleasant welcome. 




HOSPITALITY 235 

A thoughtful hostess often provides a kimono and 
bath slippers for an intimate friend. Cold cream, 
rice powder and the like accessories of the toilet may 
be provided, in case luggage is delayed in arriving, but, 
as a rule, a guest carries with her a small bag with these 
belongings and prefers to use them and not to be 
incommoded by a quantity of articles to be put aside. 

In a guest-room a clock is a convenience, but its 
striking attachment need not be wound up. A lounge 
where one may rest, and a dainty coverlet should be in 
each room. In a closet an extra blanket is placed. 

Usually a maid taps on a guest's door in the morning 
to inquire whether she may be needed to draw the 
bath. In the evening when it is time to dress for din¬ 
ner, a maid taps at doors to ask if she may be of 
assistance to ladies. Later in the evening, when rooms 
are not occupied, the maid turns down the beds for the 
night, lays out night dresses and places bedroom slip¬ 
pers, brings a jug of iced-water for the bedside table. 
In the simplest household these attentions are essential. 

While a host and hostess should never seem indif¬ 
ferent to the comfort of their guests, they should not 
weary them with too much attention or give the impres¬ 
sion that they are being entertained. They arrange 
for their pleasure, secure invitations to any entertain¬ 
ments of a general nature which may take place in the 
neighborhood; they may give a luncheon or dinner in 
their honor. 

The hostess suggests the evening amusements and 
joins in them herself; she proposes the time for retiring, 
eleven o’clock being the usual hour for saying good¬ 
night, although earlier hours are frequently kept in 



236 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

quiet households. She may say pleasantly and infor¬ 
mally that it is the custom of the family to keep early 
hours, or that she thinks her guests may be tired after 
the journey or the day’s outing, or something of that 
sort. There is a general breaking up, and all say 
“Good-night,” and go to their rooms. 

The ideal host and hostess make their friends feel 
that they are doing precisely what they prefer to do 
during a visit. 

An important consideration in arranging a house- 
party is that there should be good servants who will 
fully understand their duties and will be attentive 
in caring for the comfort of guests. This is a doubtful 
subject, but we hear of “old retainers;’ who have been, 
perhaps, six months in a family, or even three months, 

and this is hopeful for a hostess! 

It is customary to have easy rules in regard to break¬ 
fast. A guest is offered the option of coming down 
to breakfast or having a tray sent to her room. A 
considerate hostess never exacts that a guest shall get 
up at an unreasonable hour for breakfast simply 
because some member of the family must take a tiain. 
A tray with coffee or tea, rolls and butter, a cereal and 
cream, an egg and fruit should be sent up. 

A sensible hostess does not insist on carrying out 
her own schemes for amusements and wisely gives a 
guest the option of a choice of pleasures. She remem¬ 
bers that her friends like to have some time in the day 
to themselves, to retire to their own rooms, to rest or 
write letters. 

The host asks the men what they prefer to do and 


HOSPITALITY 


237 

they arrange accordingly, whether it shall be some 
sport or simply idleness. 

Golf, tennis, motoring, sea bathing, boating or 
mountain climbing may be among the diversions, ac¬ 
cording to the local advantages. An impromptu picnic 
is enjoyable. The evenings may be devoted to music, 
bridge, games, charades, thought-reading, character¬ 
reading, story-telling, etc., or to dancing, theatricals or 
tableaux, if there is a large house-party. 

In her own house a lady always allows ladies to pre¬ 
cede her, either when entering or leaving the house, 
or entering or leaving the dining-room. She takes 
precedence always of men. 

At the dinner hour, if there are many guests, the 
same formality may be observed as at any dinner. The 
men offer their arms to the ladies, according to the 
plan arranged by the host and hostess. 

Moderate means and a simply-managed household 
need not deter a hostess from showing hospitality. 
Friends may be invited to spend a few days, and the 
visit may be very enjoyable in simple country diver¬ 
sions. A welcome to a country house in summer, where 
one may feel at leisure to have that friendly intercourse 
with one’s hostess, which is not often possible in town, 
goes far toward making life pleasurable, and toward 
the encouragement of friendship. When we are so 
exact as to look up the meaning of the word “hospi¬ 
tality,” we find that, according to the best authorities, 
it is “the reception and entertainment of guests without 
reward, and with kind and generous liberality”; also, 
that to be hospitable is to be “sociable, neighborly, 
given to bounty, generous, large-minded.” 


238 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

A hostess should ask herself: “Am I offering my 
guests that which is my own idea of enjoyment, or am 
I providing that which I believe is theirs?” 

We should provide our best, but our best may be 
very simple. We should not be so foolish as to strain 
at imitating those whose means are far beyond our 
own, but we should not hesitate to bring our friends 
together because we cannot give expensive entertain¬ 
ments. 

All of us know what it is to enter a house where 
true hospitality reigns, where there is a spirit of gen¬ 
erous intention to welcome all who cross the threshold, 
where there is a subtle influence which makes us happy 
and at ease. 

Hospitality is not in giving elaborate house-parties, 
or in making a display of wealth, but is the sweet and 
noble practice of receiving and entertaining friends in 
genuine liberality, and this liberality is not merely in 
material things, but in the heartfelt and inspiring kind¬ 
ness which gives to hospitality its true meaning and 
value. 

In the great country houses of England the art of 
receiving friends is understood to perfection. The 
English are excellent hosts and are known to be “mas¬ 
ters of the letting-alone system.” Everything is offered 
for a guest’s pleasure, but there is never the least 
evidence that one is being entertained too much. It is 
noticeable that a hostess always gives the option of a 
choice of amusements, and takes it for granted that 
a guest means what she says in her decision. Therefore 
no one is begged or persuaded to make a change of 
mind, the idea of the hostess being that persuasion 


HOSPITALITY 


239 

might cause embarrassment. Hospitality has been the 
rule in English households for centuries and is part 
of the practice of every-day life. One who has had 
visits in English country houses may well keep the expe¬ 
rience in mind and heart as a joy to be remembered. 

In an English country house a maid brings tea and 
toast to one’s bedside in the morning. A maid prepares 
the bath, which may be a tub placed in one’s room. 
Breakfast is at half past nine and is perfectly informal. 
A tea-service is at one end of the table and may be 
presided over by the hostess, who serves the tea in 
remarkably large cups. A coffee-service is at the other 
end, the coffee to be poured by whoever may be dele¬ 
gated to the duty. Very few things are on the table. 
Fruit may be there, and toast. Covered dishes on a 
side-table are being kept hot and may contain bacon, 
ham or fish. On a sideboard it was formerly the cus¬ 
tom to have cold ham and other cold meats, but 
expenses following the war have caused economy. 
Guests are expected to look after themselves and to 
select from the side-table what they prefer and bring 
the plates to their places at the table, wherever they 
please. Men of the family, or men guests, or the young 
girls of the family may offer to wait upon the ladies, 
but they may provide for themselves with freedom. 
Servants bring in toast, omelets or other things, but 
do not stay in the room. Members of the family may 
drift in and out for a word or two, having finished 
breakfast earlier. The hostess suggests plans or 
amusements for the day. At luncheon it is customary 
for everyone to assemble. The host often does the 
carving. Tea is the rallying-point of the afternoon and 


240 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

in warm weather the table may be out-of-doois, under 
the trees. Muffins, toast and cake are seived. Dinner 
is at eight o’clock and is the formal occasion of the day. 
Everyone is in evening dress. The host takes in the 
lady who has precedence. 

The custom in England is to show guests through 
the house at some time during the visit, and a hostess 
is sure to say to one who is making a first visit, Shall 
I show you the house?’’ Naturally, one accedes with 
pleasure to the proposal and a pilgrimage is made, 
through rooms where there are treasures of historical 

association. 


CHAPTER XXIX 


COUNTRY HOUSE GUESTS 

When receiving an invitation to spend a few days 
or a week at a friend’s house the first duty is to send 
a prompt reply. This indicates courteous considera¬ 
tion for the hostess, whose plans and the plans of her 
friends, perhaps, depend upon an answer. If impos¬ 
sible to accept, on account of other engagements, one 
must express appreciation of the invitation and regret 
that circumstances oblige one to give up the pleasure 
of a visit. If writing to accept it is important to repeat 
the date and the hour named in the invitation in order 
to avoid mistakes. For instance, one may write: 

Dear Mrs. White: 

It is charming of you to ask me to come to you 
from Saturday, the seventh of July, until Thurs¬ 
day, the twelfth. I am delighted to accept your 
kind invitation. 

I expect to arrive by the four o’clock train, 
mentioned in your note. 

Yours sincerely, 

Louise Delafield. 

A married woman writes: “My husband and I are 
delighted to accept your kind invitation, etc.” 

The tactful guest does not fail to arrive by the 

241 




242 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

appointed train and is quick in learning the ways of 
the household and adapting herself to them. It is 
advisable to ask to be called in the morning if one is 
expected to appear at breakfast. Punctuality is essen¬ 
tial at meals, and if breakfast is not sent to a guest’s 
room, promptness is expected. The same rule applies 
when going out for drives, walks or other diversions. 
Other persons are to be considered and not kept wait¬ 
ing tediously for a dilatory guest. 

An agreeable visitor never appears indifferent to 
what is planned for amusement, responds readily to 
any request to contribute to the general pleasure, not 
for personal display or praise, but from a wish to 
help to entertain. If one can sing, play, take a hand 
at bridge, tell a good story, help to arrange games, 
charades or theatricals, it is a duty to comply with 
the least hint from host or hostess of the wish for aid. 
If one understands how to tell fortunes by cards, or 
character by palmistry, these are useful talents when 
on a visit. 

Letters may be opened and read at breakfast, but 
permission is asked before opening them. Letters may 
not be read at luncheon or dinner. If a special delivery 
letter, or a telegram arrives at that time one asks to 
be allowed to open it. In fact, at any time when a 
letter may be received and other persons are present, 
one must either keep it for a later reading, or ask per¬ 
mission to look at it. If informed by a maid that one 
is called up on the telephone, it is obligatory to ask 
to be excused before going to the telephone, whether 
one is at the table, or with the hostess, or with others 
elsewhere. 


COUNTRY HOUSE GUESTS 


243 

A serious obligation is never to gossip about pecu¬ 
liarities or family imperfections with other guests, 
or to discuss such matters with anyone after the visit is 
over. A prudent silence and discretion will go far 
toward preserving one's reputation as an honorable 
friend as well as a desirable guest. 

Wisdom and tact require to be exercised if some¬ 
one is included among the guests with whom one is not 
on friendly terms, or who may be disliked. The state 
of one’s feelings in that situation must be concealed 
from the hostess. The misadventure calls for self- 
control and patience, and for perfect courtesy toward 
the person who may be equally troubled by the occur¬ 
rence. 

If a slightly disturbed manner is observed between 
members of the family, a look or a word which 
betokens unpleasantness, it is wise to be discreetly 
absent-minded. 

A point of good breeding is never to take liberties 
with the belongings of others. Permission to use a 
telephone should be asked and the privilege not abused. 
A long-distance message must be paid for, or at least 
the offer made to discharge the indebtedness. Matters 
of a financial nature are undesirable between a guest 
and hostess, therefore, the utmost delicacy should 
govern a visitor in a friend’s house. 

If a guest has been ill and a physician has been 
summoned the invalid is in duty bound to give his or 
her address to the doctor, and request that the bill may 
be sent. All indebtedness for medicines or other nec¬ 
essaries from the druggist must be paid for previous 
to departure, if possible, or the request made that the 


244 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

account be forwarded without delay. The same rule 
applies to bills contracted with a laundry, a tradesman, 
or with a garage from which one may have hired 

vehicles for independent expeditions. 

One may not take a book from the library without 
asking the privilege, and returning it to its place before 
going away. A book should be carefully handled, the 
leaves not turned down and the back not stretched 
apart with the book face downward; nor should a book 
be left out-of-doors, where it might be injured by rain 
or dampness. Flowers in the garden must not be 

plucked. 

To be fully prepared with everything necessary when 
leaving home is essential. It is inexcusable to borrow 
articles from one’s hostess and to say that something 
was forgotten when packing. Careless peisons have 
been known to be guilty of this breach of etiquette, 
and to borrow new gloves, handkerchiefs, veils, hat 
pins, or small change. It is decidedly ill-bred to bor¬ 
row a sweater, or other article of apparel and continue 
to use it during the visit. 

Courtesy demands that no one should ever enter 
another’s bedroom without knocking on the door. A 
visitor should not use golf clubs, tennis racquets, or 
other things, unless invited to do so, and never venture 
to use a private writing desk without having been given 
the privilege. 

If a car or a horse is offered for use, a visitor is 
careful to return the valued property in good condition. 

A considerate person is careful of all the belongings 
in his or her room. Neatness is supposed to be natu¬ 
ral to the well-bred, and this is evidenced in a bedroom. 


COUNTRY HOUSE GUESTS 


2 45 

Before leaving a room in the morning bedclothes are 
turned back for airing; soiled linen is placed in a recep¬ 
tacle provided for it; dressing-gown, night-dress and 
clothing are hung in the closet; shoes are put away in 
regular ranks; the dressing table is neatly arranged 
and a window opened to air the room. Careless per¬ 
sons have been known to injure furniture, wipe inked 
fingers on fine towels, and leave shoes and slippers 
tossed recklessly on the floor. A guest is expected by 
hostess and servants to observe neat habits. 

Frequently a guest makes the mistake of imagining 
that everything is to be done for his or her amusement 
while no return is due the hostess. A tiresome guest 
gives the impression that she is being neglected unless 
continually entertained. It is necessary for a guest 
to know when to efface herself, when to read a book, 
or go to her room to take a nap, or write letters, 
rather than bore her hostess by her constant presence. 
A man takes a magazine or newspaper and enjoys a 
cigar in a corner of the veranda, or he goes for a 
swim, or some sport. 

If a girl has friends in the place where she is visiting 
she may say to her hostess that she would like to let 
her friends know where she is staying and have them 
call, if she has no objection. Their names must be 
mentioned. There are two reasons for this rule. A 
hostess has the right to know who comes to her house. 
If she has a reason for not wishing a certain person 
to come she may say so politely. If she grants the 
guest’s request it is obligatory that the friends who 
call shall be introduced to her. 

To take the liberty of receiving a man without ask- 


246 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

ing permission of one’s hostess would be unpardonable, 
and to make a convenience of a friend’s house in order 
to receive a young man, who may be under the dis¬ 
approval of a girl’s parents, is in the worst taste. This 
has been done by daring girls, thereby forfeiting the 
friendship of a hostess and bringing unjust and un¬ 
warranted criticism upon her, until she understood the 
situation and had the opportunity to explain that 
she was free from aiding intentionally an undesirable 
suitor. 

A well-bred guest never arranges plans or makes 
engagements of any sort without consulting the wishes 
of the hostess. 

Courteous consideration is always shown to all the 
other persons assembled in the house. Special atten¬ 
tion to older persons, members of the family, or those 
who may not seem so attractive or interesting as youth¬ 
ful companions, will go far toward making a guest 
popular. Amiability is a valuable qualification. It is 
desirable never to seem inattentive or vague. If there 
are children in the family, one must not seem bored or 
annoyed by their presence. 

A safe rule is never to be persuaded to overstay the 
time stated for one’s visit. A wise guest will not wear 
out her welcome. A provisional engagement at home 
or elsewhere may help one to be firm in declining to 
be urged to remain. It is best to speed away and 
make one’s departure sincerely regretted rather than 
to stay and find that the staying makes the extended 
visit fall rather flat. 

On one’s departure it is customary to follow the 
accepted rule of tipping the servants. Although there 


COUNTRY HOUSE GUESTS 247 

are no positive rates in this respect men are expected 
to give more than women; a married woman is required 
to be more liberal than a single woman. In small 
households tips are smaller than in a house conducted 
on an elaborate scale. Lavish tipping is not in good 
taste. The lack of rules obliges one to decide what 
is fair and just according to purse and services received. 

A single woman gives the housemaid, who has cared 
for her room, and the waitress, who has brought 
breakfast to her room, at least a dollar after a week¬ 
end visit, and an extra dollar or more, if the visit 
has extended for a week. If the housemaid has 
given additional services, brushing gowns, or assisting 
in the evening toilet, two dollars would be expected. 
If the hostess has a personal maid, who has been 
attentive in various ways, a fee of from two or three 
dollars would be given. A guest does not send a tip 
to the cook unless illness has made it necessary to have 
special articles prepared. It is not considered good 
form for a visitor ever to ask the laundress in a house¬ 
hold to do anything for her, therefore a tip is not sent 
to her. The chauffeur would be given a dollar or a 
dollar and a half, if he had taken a guest to and from 
the station and attended to checking luggage. 

A married woman, visiting alone, for several days 
or a week, usually increases the tips fifty cents in each 
instance. A married pair divide the tipping, the hus¬ 
band giving fees to the men-servants, the wife to the 
maids; thus, if there is a butler, he would receive 
two dollars, at least, if he had given special services 
in brushing and pressing clothes, and the chauffeur 
might be given two dollars. The housemaid would be 


248 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

given two dollars, if she had attended to the lady in 
special ways. 

A single man gives at least one dollar to the house¬ 
maid, after a week-end visit, and two dollars for a 
week’s stay, and the same rate to the butler, valet and 
chauffeur. A man may send a fee to the cook. In 
fact it has been said that a cook, or chef, resents neglect 
from men visitors, especially if they have come two 
or three times to the house. A visitor is careful not 
to postpone the giving of fees until the last minute. 
The servants who attend to seeing one off may be given 
tips on departure, but others may be summoned by 
the bedroom bell. If a man wishes to give a fee to 
the cook he encloses it in a sealed envelope and sends 
it by one of the maids. As has been said, lavish tip¬ 
ping, indulged in by men, is not to be commended, 
and although servants are pleased with large tips, they 
are usually grateful and reasonable in understanding 
that everyone has not a plentiful purse and that respect 
is due to those who offer tips which are not exorbitant. 

There have been instances known where hostesses 
have objected to having fees given to servants, stating 
that their wages liberally repaid them for any extra 
service rendered to guests, but these instances are rare, 
and unless one is requested to refrain from feeing ser¬ 
vants after a visit, it is understood that fees should 
be given and these dignitaries propitiated. 

When taking leave of one’s hostess and host some 
gracious expression is used. One may say, “This 
has been a delightful visit,” or, “I don’t know how 
to tell you how much I have enjoyed my visit.” 

On returning home it is obligatory to write a note 


COUNTRY HOUSE GUESTS 


249 

to one’s hostess, expressing pleasure in the visit and 
appreciation of her hospitality. Something of this 
sort may be a suggestion for a note to a formal hostess : 

Dear Mrs. White: 

I shall not let another moment pass without 
telling you how much I enjoyed my visit. It was 
wonderful. I love to think of the happy days and 
evenings and I thank you a thousand times for 
having asked me to come. 

Yours sincerely, 

Louise Delafield. 

To an intimate friend one might write: 

Dear Mary: 

Every moment of my visit was a pleasure. I 
have felt lonely since leaving you, but shall look 
forward to your promised visit to me. 

With love to all the dear ones, 

Yours devotedly, 

Lily. 

A married woman includes her husband in a note. 
To a formal hostess she may write: 

Dear Mrs. Gray: 

My husband and I enjoyed our visit more than 
we can tell you. We truly appreciate all that you 
did to make it delightful and we thank you so 
much for having included us in your week-end 
party. 


250 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

With kindest regards to you and Mr. Gray, 
in which my husband joins, 

Yours sincerely, 

Elizabeth Talbot. 

A bachelor writes without delay to his hostess. It 
is not customary ever to send a gift, unless illness has 
occurred or unusual kindness has been received fol¬ 
lowing some accident or bad news. A man would 
send flowers. 

Whatever may be said of the right to delay in 
writing after a visit, the acknowledged rule of courtesy 
is that a note should be written within a short time. 
If the home-coming guest calls up by telephone to 
announce her safe arrival that may relieve her former 
hostess of anxiety, but a punctilious person, one who 
likes to cultivate good manners, writes a note a few 
days after telephoning. If, for some good reason, 
she postpones writing for ten days, or more, the note 
may be enlarged into a letter, giving news of personal 
affairs and interests. 


CHAPTER XXX 


THE MANNERS OF A GENTLEMAN 

The aim of every man would seem to be to have 
good manners—not the superficial veneer, which is 
merely the outside polish, but the manners which spring 
from a manly nature. Emerson says that “a gentleman 
is a man of truth.” Character and force, sincerity 
in word and deed, kindness and consideration are his 
attributes; “manhood first and then gentleness.” 

A very modern writer says that the word “gentle¬ 
man” expresses much more than the mere outward 
manifestations which some persons imagine belong to 
it. It is something almost synonymous with the word, 
Christian, indicating as it does a “certain retiring type 
which is infinitely gentle, though extremely manly.” 
This type, he explains, “is intent on hurting no one 
by a contrast at their expense, regulates its favors by 
the needs, not the gifts, of Others, and evinces beyond 
doubt a desire to develop not so much the science of 
politeness, which may be easily overdone, but purity 
of soul in everything which may be termed of good 
report.” The truest definition of the ethics of a gen¬ 
tleman, he tells us, may be found in certain familiar 
lines concerning the man who “doeth the thing which 
is right, and speaketh the truth from his heart,” and 
that he who manages to live in the spirit of these lines, 
and the other admonitions connected with them, is 
fairly near the coveted title. By way of illustrating 

251 


252 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

the fact that worldly possessions are not to be estimated 
in the make-up of a gentleman, and that simplicity of 
tastes and surroundings may be more preferable to him 
than the extravagance and turmoil of cities, he goes 
on to say, most delightfully, “I can imagine a gentleman 
not keeping a motor, though he be as rich as Croesus, 
nor should I be surprised to find him living much in 
the country, devoted to his garden, a great student, 
interested in science, much given to natural history, 
fond of animals and flowers.” The same writer is 
sure that the man described “will adore his mother, 
never be ashamed of his origin and studiously refuse 
to pretend that he is anything except what he is.” 

The true gentleman, it will be seen, is never a snob; 
he belongs to the world and “talks the language of 
humanity.” He understands when to say the right 
thing and when to preserve silence, and always carries 
about with him a sense of comfort and “livable-with- 
ness” which is charming and unique. 

Obviously, he is unpretentious, unaffected, and is 
polite to his inferiors as to his equals, never patroniz¬ 
ing, never supercilious. He is chivalrous toward 
women, old or young, beautiful or plain. He pro¬ 
tects the weak and is tender toward children and aged 
persons. He is never self-assertive, aggressive or 
familiar. He represents the subtle word we have tried 
to define, a term so much abused that it escapes the 
comprehension of the uninitiated. The term is truly 
so many-sided as to refuse inclusion within a very pre¬ 
cise formula. 

The truth is that the word “gentleman” has been so 
twdsted that it is almost beyond recognition. To some 


MANNERS OF A GENTLEMAN 


253 

persons, it implies a man of wealth and leisure; to 
others it seems to be a tailor-made person. 

Strange as it may seem the word “gentleman” needs 
much watching and much keeping. Even a man who 
has the hereditary title to it may lose it, and cease to 
be a gentleman. This does not usually happen in a 
moment, the descent is often very gradual, therefore 
he must be careful. 

Again it is obvious that above all things a gentleman 
has a strict code of honor. He would never be guilty 
of the least trickery in private affairs, or in business or 
politics. He is punctilious in paying his debts. He 
would never borrow money from a woman. If com¬ 
pelled, from unforeseen circumstances, to borrow from 
a man, this is a debt without security, a debt of honor, 
to be paid promptly. The old saying, “His word is as 
good as his bond,” is sacred to him. He never talks 
about his money, or possessions, if he is rich, nor does 
he complain of having little money, if he is poor. 

A gentleman never shows a woman’s letter, nor does 
he boast of receiving letters from women, nor would 
he give a false impression about a letter. He prefers 
the rigid rule not to mention letters from a woman at 
all and not to discuss ladies in a club. His family 
affairs, or private grievances, are never discussed with 
acquaintances. 

A few practical hints in reference to good manners 
may not be out of place. 

A man may not ask permission of a lady to call on 
her. He must wait until she offers him the privilege 
of calling. This rule is because a woman has the right 
to choose who may be admitted to her house. 


254 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

Personal remarks and compliments are not in good 
taste, and fulsome praise is not acceptable to anyone. 

With the exception of flowers, bonbons or books, 
a man may not send gifts to a woman unless she is to 
become his wife, and then he may not offer anything 
that could not be returned uninjured, if a broken en¬ 
gagement should occur. Principle forbids that a man 
should begin a correspondence with a girl with the 
intention of discontinuing it at his own caprice or 
pleasure. A correspondence entered into merely by 
way of flirtation is wrong; friendship demands that one 
shall not drop a friend, and principle and true manli¬ 
ness demand that a man may not pretend friendship, 
interest or affection which he does not mean. 

A young man of twenty or thereabouts is supposed 
to be old enough to enter society, and his mother 
may leave his card with her own and her husband’s 
cards as an indication that he is ready to be included 
in invitations to social functions; but he must remem¬ 
ber that he has obligations about hospitalities when 
once he has begun to receive invitations. 

Lie should try to pay a visit in the afternoon at 
tea-time to ladies from whom he has received invita¬ 
tions to dinner or the opera. 

Although much ceremony has been abandoned among 
modern people a hostess is glad to be remembered. A 
young man may show her some attention when meeting 
her at the houses of other people, or at a play, or the 
opera. The very simple courtesy of looking for her 
car after the play, or talking with her while her foot¬ 
man finds it, will be appreciated. 


MANNERS OF A GENTLEMAN 255 

If a man is unavoidably prevented from keeping 
an engagement he should telephone immediately, offer¬ 
ing an apology and explanation. 

Calls are sometimes made by young men on Sunday 
afternoons, some hostesses remaining at home infor¬ 
mally at that time,but this custom has ceased practically, 
as men often go out of town for the week-end. When 
calling to see a young girl a man should leave two 
cards, one being for her mother. If calling often at 
the same house he may leave but one card. 

In large cities evening visits are out of fashion. In 
small towns where they may be allowable an evening 
visit should not extend beyond ten o’clock. 

A man who is well-bred knows that he must call 
and leave a letter of introduction with his card but on 
no account must he enter the house. His duty is to 
allow the person addressed an opportunity to decide 
on his merits. 

A man does not enter a carriage, a car, or a train 
before a lady. He should be the first to get out of 
a conveyance or train with the object of assisting her 
to leave it. 

He does not smoke in the presence of ladies without 
asking their permission, even when they smoke them¬ 
selves. A guest does not smoke without being asked 
to do so by the host, or hostess. 

A man allows a lady to precede him always in enter¬ 
ing or leaving a room. He opens a door for her unless 
a servant is present to do so. 

When entering or leaving a public place, a restaurant 
or theatre, a man who is accompanied by ladies allows 
them to precede him, unless there is a crowd, or con- 


256 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

fusion of any description, and he may add to their 
convenience by preceding them. He may find it neces¬ 
sary to precede them for this obvious reason, but he 
must stand aside in the aisle of a theatre for ladies 
to pass first to their seats. 

In a restaurant if a lady bows to a man he rises 
slightly from his seat to acknowledge the bow. 

When entering a church with a lady a man follows 
her. When in a private house and ascending or de¬ 
scending stairs he follows. In a public place he may 
lead the way up a staircase. 

A man who has good manners never stands with his 
hands in his pockets when talking to a lady. In fact 
this very awkward habit should be avoided always, 
without exception. He never stands talking to a lady 
in the street with a cigar or cigarette in his mouth, 
or with his hat on. 

There are certain civilities always offered by a cour¬ 
teous man. For instance, it may be that a lady has 
been calling to see his wife, or mother, and when leav¬ 
ing the house to go to her motor rain has begun; 
therefore a man of the family, who happens to be at 
home, hastens to hold an umbrella over her head while 
taking her to her car. And now occurs one of the 
so-called optional politenesses, for a lady would say, 
“Don’t let me take you out in the rain,” but he would 
not be expected to withdraw, even when given the 
option. While speaking to a lady in the street, or in 
a windy or cold doorway, or corridor, or at the door 
of her motor, a man would take off his hat and a lady 
would say, with consideration, “Do put on your hat,” 
and he would thus have the option to replace it. 


CHAPTER XXXI 

a host’s duties on various occasions 

A BACHELOR is not under any positive obligation to 
entertain. If very well-off he plays the part of host 
occasionally, but, even a man of moderate means may 
feel it incumbent upon him to return some of the hos¬ 
pitalities he is constantly receiving. He owes some¬ 
thing to a hostess who includes him often among guests 
at dinners, theatre-parties, or house-parties. He may 
give parties of any description that a hostess gives: 
teas, dinners, theatre-parties, or suppers. If he is a 
man of large means and has a country house he can 
have house-parties; if he has a yacht he can have yacht¬ 
ing parties; if a camp he has a most delightful way to 
amuse. People love to be invited to a woodland camp. 

Always, whenever he may intend to have guests, 
whether for a large party, or a small tea, he must have 
a chaperon where women, young girls or “older” girls 
are to be guests. The chaperon is usually the wife of 
one of his guests, and he should call upon her to ask 
her to do this favor, and he arranges a time for his 
“party” which will be convenient to her. 

His invitations are, or should be, issued with as 
scrupulous care as those of a hostess. Indeed, a man’s 
invitations, which are to be sent to ladies, need to show 
very punctilious courtesy. Even in these modern days, 

in the merry-go-round of society, a man who is truly 

257 


258 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

well-bred avoids any appearance of haste or slovenli¬ 
ness on his cards of invitation. He does not economize 
in politeness or time by writing abbreviations, either for 
the day of the week, or name of the month, or in indi¬ 
cating the hour. He may use an engraved card, on 
which names and dates are written in neatly, or he may 
use his visiting card, but it is not polite to write, “Jan’y 
io,” or, “Feb. 3,” or, “4 o’/c.” He may write across 
the top of his card, “January, the tenth,” or, “January 
10,” and in the lower left-hand corner, “Small dance, 
10 o’clock,” or, “February 3, Music, 4 o’clock,” not, 
“o’/k,” which has the appearance of business slang. 

When giving a small dance, either in his rooms, if 
they are spacious enough, or in a small ballroom at 
a hotel, a man must have several chaperons. The 
ladies who are to act in this capacity must be on hand 
before the other women and girls arrive, and they 
are expected to stay until the last. For a dance a host 
provides the usual accompaniments, the floral decora¬ 
tions, music and supper. 

For a theatre-party a man asks guests to dine at a 
restaurant of fashion. Fie may telephone to them to 
engage them, but he follows the messages with notes 
or cards of reminder. His telephone message tells 
the place where the dinner will be and asks guests to 
meet in the foyer of the restaurant. The dinner is 
ordered, table reserved and the bill paid in advance, 
including tips for service. Fie secures tickets for the 
play in advance and takes his guests in taxis and has 
taxis to take them home later. It may be that he has 
a car of his own and the ladies go in it and the men go 
in taxis. Six or eight is a suitable number for a dinner 


A HOST’S DUTIES 


259 

and theatre-party and there is no more popular way 
of amusing people than this fashion of entertaining. 
The host arranges how guests are to sit at dinner and 
he has the lady who is chaperon at his right, unless 
there is someone in whose honor the dinner is given. 
Before going to the play he tells guests how they are 
to be placed and confusion is avoided when entering 
seats. The chaperon’s seat, or the lady in whose honor 
the party is given, is next to the host, who takes the 
aisle seat. 

When a man is host in his rooms, or apartment, 
or studio, his hospitality is regarded by friends as a 
special pleasure. If he has attractive rooms and 
pictures people are glad to come, or there may be 
music by some noted performer. A chaperon is in¬ 
vited first by note or personal call. Then he asks 
other friends by telephone, or card, or wherever he 
may meet the men and women he wishes to include. 
A week or a few days in advance is sufficient to give 
invitations for an informal affair. If he has a dining¬ 
room and two servants the table may be there and tea 
and chocolate poured by the servants, who stand 
behind the table. If space is limited a table may 
be in a corner of the studio, with the tea service, and 
a lady may be asked to pour. 

Where space is limited in a studio or an apartment 
guests leave wraps in the small entrance hall, or one 
small room may be put in order for ladies’ wraps, and 
men leave hats, overcoats and sticks in the hall. 

When guests are arriving the host welcomes them 
by shaking hands. The chaperon does not stand with 
him, unless she is his mother, or a married sister, or 


26 o EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 


other relation. If merely a friend she stands at a 
little distance, and after he greets his guests they 
pass on to speak to her. If he thinks they do not 
know her he may say to each one, “Do you know 

Mrs. B-?” If the reply is in the negative he 

introduces the guest. If a relation is receiving with 
him he would introduce each guest who might not 
know her. Everything is more or less informal at 
a man’s tea, and it is not a very crowded affair, there¬ 
fore a host does not stay at his drawing-room or 
studio door indefinitely. He knows how many may 
be expected and goes about among his guests, taking 
care to watch for new arrivals and to go forward to 
meet them. 

Each guest on leaving should shake hands with the 
host and the chaperon and express to the host a word 
of pleasure and thanks. The host may say, “Thank 
you so much for coming.’’ He goes to the door of 
the elevator in an apartment house with a lady who 
may be of importance, or of mature years, but he 
is not obliged to run back and forth for others, and 
if the tea is fairly large guests depart without for¬ 
mality. The chaperon at a small tea leaves early and 
other women must go when she goes. 

In the rooms of a college man, or in any bachelor’s 
quarters, a party of any sort, whether in the after¬ 
noon or evening, necessitates that there should be a 
chaperon of rather mature years, and, for propriety’s 
sake, she should bring the young girls with her. A 
very young chaperon might be subject to criticism unless 
her husband is with her, and girls would not escape 
censure if they were seen going alone to a man’s rooms. 



A HOST'S DUTIES 


261 


A bachelor who has a country house, a yacht, or a 
camp in the woodlands has opportunities for charm¬ 
ing parties. His mother, or married sister, aunt, 
or cousin may be with him as a chaperon, but, if he 
has no one who is a relation he must choose a friend 
who is one whose husband is with her. 

A host follows the same rules of hospitality as a 
hostess observes. He sends a car to the station or 
boat-landing for guests. If he expects a number of 
friends he engages enough cars or taxis at his own 
expense. He goes out to the front door to give a 
warm welcome to guests, shows the men to their 
rooms, or sends a servant to show them the way. If 
they are without valets he asks them to give their 
keys to the butler or footman. The ladies are asked 
to give their keys to the maid who shows them to 
their rooms. 

If he is expecting very few friends he goes to the 
station himself to meet them, if they are coming by 
train. If he expects others by motor he must wait 
at the house for them, and send a car to the train 
for others. 

A married man who is host at a dance is not obliged 
to receive with his wife, although he has that privi¬ 
lege. His general duties are to look after guests, 
introduce men to girls. If he likes dancing his mis¬ 
sion is to dance with girls who seem to be the least 
popular. If there is a formal supper he takes in an 
important matron. At a buffet supper he takes in 
one or another and sees that they are attended to. 
At the close of the evening he may be beside his wife 
accepting thanks and farewells. At a country party 


262 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 


he frequently lingers near the outer door to see that 
each lady is aided in finding her carriage, or motor. 

At a dinner, or rather before it, a host introduces 
each man to the lady he is to take in to dinner, unless 
they are already known to each other, and he should 
not fail to introduce him to the lady who is to be 
placed next to him on the other side. 

A host stands not too far away from his wife while 
guests are arriving for a dinner and they greet him 
after speaking to the hostess. If necessary, as has 
been explained, he introduces people. When at the 
table he helps to keep the conversation going. 

It is customary to wait fifteen or twenty minutes 
after the hour named for dinner if a guest has not 
arrived, but then order dinner to be served, and the 
belated guest comes in when everyone is at the table. 
The host rises immediately and goes forward to greet 
a man or woman and shakes hands. By his cordiality 
he tries to detract attention from the incident. The 
hostess does not rise to greet a man but rises to speak 
to a woman, but must not leave her own place. The 
guest must hasten forward to shake hands with the 
hostess and apologize for being late, while the hostess 
must smile and accept explanations with perfect ami¬ 
ability. No break should be made in the serving. A 
belated guest is expected to begin at the course which 
has been reached. The offer would be made to serve 
from the beginning, but a considerate person prefers 
not to disarrange a dinner. 

After dinner when the men have taken the ladies 
to the drawing-room the host takes the men to the 
smoking-room, where they have cigars, cigarettes and 


DUTIES 


A HOST’S 



liqueurs, and after fifteen or twenty minutes, he rises 
and suggests that all join the ladies. 

A bachelor with a country house is under obliga¬ 
tions to show hospitality to neighbors who are hos¬ 
pitable to him. 

When a bachelor takes a party of men and women 
on his yacht for a few hours, or on a cruise, he must 
have a chaperon. He sends a launch to bring guests 
from the landing-stage to the yacht and stands at the 
gangway to receive them. 

When a widower entertains the etiquette for him 
is similar to that for a bachelor. If he is to be married 
again he does not give a “bachelor” dinner. 

At a house-warming, or reception for a newly 1 - 
married pair, the husband stands beside his wife 
while they are greeting guests. Later he moves about 
and shows attention to ladies, especially to the older ones 
who require attention, if it is a reception for all ages. 

A stag dinner is given for men by a man. It is 
either a bridegroom:^ dinner before his wedding, or 
it may be a gathering of a man’s professional friends, 
or in honor of a distinguished man who has returned 
after a prolonged absence, or who may have been 
appointed to go on a mission abroad. A dinner of 
the sort is given at a club or private room in a hotel, 
or in an apartment, or it may be given in a man’s own 
house. A married man may have a dinner for men, or 
card-party and supper in his house, but his wife does 
not appear. She does not receive guests. After seeing 
that everything is in order before they arrive and 
giving final directions to the servants she may dine at 
a friend’s house, or stay quietly at home, upstairs. 


CHAPTER XXXII 

men’s clothes 

A MAN who is well-dressed is conservative in his 
taste. He wears nothing that is conspicuous. He 
chooses clothes of the best material, well cut and quiet 
in tone and color. Every detail of his attire is 
selected inevitably with a view to the appropriateness 
of the occasion. He is thoroughly aware of the fact 
that an austere simplicity in dress marks a man of 
good taste. He is scrupulously neat; his clothes are 
well brushed and pressed; his shoes are polished, his 
white shoes are whitened carefully. His linen is 
immaculate. A well-dressed man is naturally quite 
unconscious of his clothes, that is, he dresses with 
exactness, and then never seems to give his clothes 
another thought. He is scrupulous in everything con¬ 
cerning personal care. He is closely shaved, his hair 
is precisely cut, and his hands and nails are in perfect 
order, the nails not highly polished, and he does not 
examine them after leaving his room! 

For a business, or morning suit, a man selects a 
three-piece sack suit of tweed or homespun. It is 
intended to be an inconspicuous garment for every-day 
wear. Very plain patterns in materials are best. Any 
mixture of colors should look plain at a short dis¬ 
tance. Some men prefer a cutaway of black worsted, 
with a waistcoat to match and trousers of different 
material, finely striped in dark gray. A white linen 

264 


MEN’S CLOTHES 265 

shirt with standing, or wing, or turned-down collar is 
worn and an Ascot or four-in-hand tie of dark shade. 
A “soft” hat of brown or dark gray is the present 
fashion, instead of a derby; gloves are of dark gray, 
or khaki doeskin; laced shoes of black calfskin are 
worn. This attire, sack suit, or cutaway, is the proper 
dress for traveling. With morning dress men often 
wear stiiped, colored shirts of madras or linen, always 
with white collars, or pleated bosom soft shirts, with 
starched white collars. 

A high silk hat should not be worn with a sack suit. 
It is correct only with a cutaway, a frock coat, or full 
evening dress. 

At the present moment the frock coat is out of 
fashion, except that it is preferred by elderly men. 
For all social functions between noon and evening, 
for weddings, receptions, teas, for church or for 
walking the black cutaway coat is chosen, with high 
waistcoat to match, or a high double-breasted waist¬ 
coat of white pique, gray and black striped trousers, 
white linen shirt with standing collar and a black and 
white four-in-hand tie. Patent-leather shoes, or black 
calfskin low shoes are worn and plain black silk socks, 
and white spats if wishing to be very smart. A walk¬ 
ing-stick of Malacca, or other wood, with a straight 
or crooked handle is carried. It must be without 
ornamentation. A perfectly plain gold or silver band 
at the top is the only finish allowable. A high silk hat 
is the accompaniment of the attire described. 

In England gray cutaway suits and gray top hats 
are worn at the races, but they are not considered 
suitable here. 


266 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

A bridegroom at a morning or an afternoon wed¬ 
ding wears the formal dress already described, varied 
only by a pearl silk Ascot tie, white buckskin gloves 
or gray suede. A boutonniere of white flowers is 
always worn by a bridegroom. T. he best man and 
ushers are similarly dressed. At small country wed¬ 
dings it has become the fashion for ushers not to wear 
gloves, but at all weddings the bridegroom, best man 
and ushers wear high silk hats with formal dress. 

There is a marked tendency to be informal in attire 
in summer. Strict afternoon dress is not worn in mid¬ 
summer in America. In London during the season, 
which reaches into July, men wear formal afternoon 
dress and silk hats for day functions, but the fashion 
in America is to discard formal dress for the morning 
coat or cutaway, and to wear straw, or soft hats, 
the weather being too warm for formal dress. 

In summer men wear suits of flannel, tweed or 
cheviot, straw or felt hats, black shoes in town and 
tan shoes for the country. For golf, tennis, driving 
or walking in the country they may wear Norfolk 
suits and golf caps. The preferred dress for tennis 
or golf consists of white flannel trousers, flannel shirt 
with linen or flannel collar, and a leather belt. 

In the country men prefer usually to wear knicker¬ 
bockers, golf-stockings, a sack coat, or a semi-belted 
coat of homespun or rough worsted. For riding a 
man chooses very conservative clothes. Breeches must 
fit well. An odd coat may do, but leather leggings 
are necessary, unless the very best English boots are 
obtainable. 

For yachting men wear suits of blue flannel or any 


MEN’S CLOTHES 267 

sack suit, tan or white buckskin shoes with rubber 
soles. Yachting caps are never worn when ashore 
unless a man is living on a yacht. 

At Bar Harbor, Newport, Lenox and at country 
clubs, at outdoor semi-formal affairs in summer, men 
wear white flannel suits, white buckskin shoes, and 
straw or soft felt hats. Fancy flannels are also worn, 
with black shoes. Socks are of a plain color; the 
lighter shades are worn with tan Oxford shoes. Blue 
or a color to match the tie are preferred, but gayly 
colored socks and ties may be worn with flannels. 
They are appropriate with golf tweeds. 

The conservative dark blue coat, with white flannel 
trousers, is always good at a semi-formal occasion 
in the country. 

As to “jewelry” a man who is a gentleman never 
wears anything conspicuous. A diamond ring is a 
mark of vulgarity. A watch chain is very slender, 
and a man’s ring is a seal ring of plain gold, or a 
dark “bloodstone,” or other dark stone. A jewel in 
a ring must be deeply set in a plain hoop, without 
ornamentation. It may be a sapphire. A man’s ring 
is worn on his fourth, or “little” finger, never on the 
third finger. 

Studs and cuff-links are in best taste when of plain 
gold, although waistcoat buttons, studs and cuff-links 
worn in sets are occasionally jeweled for evening 
wear but quite inconspicuous in setting. Pearl shirt 
studs are for full dress only and not to be worn with 
a dinner coat. Enamel studs of white, which look 
like linen, are in good taste always. 

The correct dress for all evening occasions, after 


268 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

six o’clock, for dinners, balls, opera, or evening wed¬ 
dings, is the full evening dress, the coat of black 
vicuna or fine worsted, faced with black silk, the low 
cut waistcoat of the same material as the coat, or of 
white duck or marseilles, double or single-breasted. 
The trousers are of the same material as the coat and 
may or may not have a line of braid on the outer 
seams. A white linen shirt, standing collar, fine white 
lawn tie, freshly tied, studs of pearl, white enamel or 
gold, sleeve-links of gold, white or pearl-colored kid 
gloves with heavy stitching to match, black patent- 
leather pumps and black silk socks are for this attire. 
The overcoat may be one that slips on easily and is 
worn only with evening dress. A single-breasted 
black overcoat may be worn and a crush opera hat 
or a silk hat is used. A plain white or a black and 
white muffler is correct. 

Much discussion has been aroused on the subject 
of the dinner-coat. During the war men regarded the 
dinner-coat as something less gay and more economi¬ 
cal than the dress coat. It became the fashion not to 
be fashionable. There was a general retreat from many 
of the finer standards, and a degree of indifference has 
been the result on the part of the younger generation. 

There has been a reaction against the decline in 
masculine carefulness. While the women have been 
lenient in their criticism they do not overlook the fact 
that it is neither courteous nor complimentary to them 
to have men appear in informal dress when women 
are in evening dress. It is true that a man of the 
world does not make a mistake in his evening attire, 
but others think that the dinner-coat is the accepted 


MEN'S CLOTHES 269 

evening dress of what is known as the “smart” world, 
and a man who is misinformed may commit the mis¬ 
take of wearing a dinner-coat with a white tie! 

The correct, the smart and the distinguished dress 
for evening is always full dress for formal dinners, the 
opera or a ball. If laxity is permissible on other occa¬ 
sions there is no excuse for a failure to observe the cor¬ 
rect lules at other times and they are as strict as ever. 

The dinner-coat, which is called also the Tuxedo, 
from having been adopted some years ago at the 
Tuxedo Club, is the evening dress for a man at home, 
and is worn foi the theatre and for informal dinners 
among intimate friends. The dinner-coat differs from 
the dress coat in having no tails and it is cut like a sack 
coat, but is closed in front by a button at the waist¬ 
line. The material is the same as for dress clothes, 
lapels are faced with satin, the collar is cloth, the 
trousers may have a narrow braid. If the coat is cut 
with the shawl-shaped collar the entire collar is faced 
with satin or silk. A plain black waistcoat or a white 
waistcoat may be worn and a plain black silk or satin 
tie must be worn, never a white tie, and a point to be 
emphasized is that it must never be a made-up tie. 
An opera hat is for town wear. In the country a soft 
hat or straw would be proper and may be used in 
town, according to season. 

Fashion decrees that while a man need not wear 
an overcoat with a Tuxedo, he must wear one with 
formal evening dress, or carry one on his arm. 

Gloves are worn in the street, and at the theatre 
or opera, if accompanying ladies, and at a dance they 
are obligatory. 


CHAPTER XXXIII 


TRAVELING 

Self-command is a quality to be striven for when 
traveling. Well-bred people are careful to maintain 
composure and to avoid doing anything which attracts 
attention or criticism. Undue emotion in public is 
always an evidence of a lack of training. The tone 
of one’s voice must be free from excitement, whether 
the emotion is one of amusement, anger or disappoint¬ 
ment. Loud laughter is ill-bred. People who assume 
an air of assertive independence, or self-importance, 
or who are exacting and fault-finding when in a rail¬ 
way train, a hotel, or on a steamship, are critically 
judged by those whom they wish to impress. Experi¬ 
enced travelers do not speak harshly to officials. In¬ 
quiries are made politely. If a train is delayed, or 
luggage is missing, or the accommodations in a hotel 
are not satisfactory, a test of good manners is not 
to be indignant. Complaints against employees who 
do not carry out rules properly should not be made 
in a spirit of anger, and never by way of revenge, 
but merely with the intention of upholding the rights 
of the traveling public. Annoyances or discomforts 
may occur, but tact, common-sense and good humor 
are absolute necessities. A cheerful temper reacts on 
those with whom one comes in contact and it is worth 
while to cultivate a habit of cheerfulness of aspect. 

270 


TRAVELING 271 

A morose, sad, supercilious, disagreeable expression 
of countenance is neither an inspiring nor a pleasant 
object to those who are fellow-travelers. 

When starting on a journey it is well to realize that 
the respect and admiration of strangers and friends 
may be gained by the sensible way in which one en¬ 
dures delays, inconveniences, or, perhaps, hardships. 
A philosophical traveler sees the enjoyable side of 
experiences and makes the least of the troubles of the 
journey. A greater part of the time when traveling 
is spent among strangers, but the world is small, and 
it is not wise to behave rudely in a foreign country, 
or in distant places in one’s own land, and imagine 
that reports of one’s conduct will not reach home. 

Unfortunately the traveling public is not courteous. 
Pushing, jostling, struggling for points of vantage, 
regardless of the needs, convenience or comfort of 
others, are the methods adopted by the majority. 
Selfishness is in the ascendant and selfishness is di¬ 
rectly opposed to good manners. If we reserve our 
good manners for our friends and throw them off 
in public, we are not sincere, but superficial and unreal. 

The selfish traveler monopolizes more than a right¬ 
ful share of space on a train, fills an adjacent seat 
with bag, parcel, or wrap, ignores the fact that any 
one is in search of a seat, and if asked politely if the 
seat is engaged gives a look of defiance and removes 
the impediments with an ungracious manner, making 
the newcomer feel guilty of intrusion. The selfish 
traveler throws a wrap over the back of a seat in 
front, thus incommoding another passenger, or opens 
a window and admits dust and draught, without in- 


272 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

quiring whether the open window may be an annoy¬ 
ance to the person in the rear seat. 

Conversation between companions should be in 
modulated tones. Those who are inclined to indulge 
in loud talking and the discussion of private affairs 
need to remind themselves that self-respect demands 
restraint. It is in the worst taste to mention names 
of absent persons in public. Consideration is due to 
nearby passengers who may be disturbed by the con¬ 
stant hum of conversation, and who are annoyed by 
the outpouring of gossip or grievances. 

Newly-married people who are well-bred are very 
careful not to make themselves conspicuous by demon¬ 
strative attentions to each other. 

When going to a dining-car, if a lady is accompa¬ 
nied by a man who is a relative, he may pay for the 
meal, but she is careful not to allow a man who is 
merely a friend whom she meets on the train to pay 
for a meal. If he has asked her especially to have 
lunch or dinner with him she may then expect him 
to bear the expense. She should not allow him to be 
with her enough to give an impression that they are 
traveling together. She cannot be too prudent or 
too reserved on a long journey alone. On a short 
trip of a few hours in the day a lady might be accom¬ 
panied by a gentleman whom she knows well, but it 
is unheard of for a lady to travel on a long journey 
with an “escort.” 

In regard to chance acquaintances there are some 
very positive rules of etiquette. If, for instance, a 
girl should receive some little service from a stranger, 
the offer of a seat, some polite attention in case of 


TRAVELING 2y3 

difficulty about the luggage, or some such trifling 
civility, this would not mean that they should enter 
into any further conversation, and a well-bred man 
would not presume in any way on such an occasion, 
nor would it mean that a future bowing acquaintance 
would be kept up. 

In a railway carriage in Europe people frequently 
talk together during a long journey, exchange news- 
papeis, etc., and if they meet the next day they may 
bow, but after that it would be unnecessary and un¬ 
usual to do so. In a train in America people do not 
talk to strangers, the train being very differently 
arranged from the foreign railway carriage, which 
only a few persons occupy. It need hardly be added 
here that a chance acquaintance should never be made 
in the street, on a beach at a seaside resort, or at 
any other public place. 

Porters on trains are given tips of from ten to 
twenty-five cents for carrying hand-luggage. The 
porter who makes the beds on a “sleeper” expects 
at least twenty-five cents from each passenger for each 
night of the trip. Fees are given when leaving a car. 
Extravagance in tipping is never to be commended. 
Travelers must judge for themselves and be just, and 
as liberal as they think the service deserves. 

( For use on a sleeping-car it is customary to have a 
thin wrapper of silk or other material which may be 
slipped over a night-dress when going to and from 
the ladies’ dressing-room. This is a very small and 

t inconvenient place and not always free from interrup¬ 
tions. In most trains there are staterooms which 
may be had at an extra charge and which are entirely 





274 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

private. Sleeping-car travel is disagreeable. Some 
people prefer to remove their clothing and put on a 
night-dress; others merely remove such things as 
would be crushed. When traveling at night by boat 
one has a stateroom and there one undresses and 
retires. The general customs when traveling by boat 
are the same as at a hotel. 

Women and girls who are alone should ask for 
necessary information from officials, either at an 
information bureau, a ticket office, or from officials 
on trains, or boats. Prudence is observed in making 
inquiries of strangers, women or men, or in following 
any directions they may give. A young girl who is 
obliged to make a long journey alone should be met 
by friends on arriving at her destination. Young 
girls or young unmarried women do not go to hotels 
without the protection of an older woman, who is a 
friend, and whose presence saves them adverse criti¬ 
cism. In fact, a woman alone, who has not written 
in advance to a hotel for accommodation, and who 
is unknown, may be told at a hotel-office that there 
are no rooms available. 

It is best to write to the proprietor of the hotel 
where it is proposed to stop, engaging rooms in ad¬ 
vance; thus travelers will be saved the inconvenience 
of uncertainty and will show a courtesy to the pro¬ 
prietor. 

Women traveling alone should plan to arrive 
before evening. When arriving at a hotel they may 
go immediately to the office to ascertain whether 
rooms have been reserved for them, or, if they prefer, 
they may go to a reception room and summon a hall- 


TRAVELING 


275 

boy to ask a clerk to come to inform them about 
necessary arrangements. 

When registering a woman writes her name as it 
would be on a visiting card: Mrs. James Brown, or, 
Miss Helen Gray. The name of the town of her 
residence and the State follow. A man registers for 
himself and his wife thus: Mr. and Mrs. Henry 
Green. It is not good form to register, Henry Green 
and wife. 

It is not expected that one should register at a 
hotel if merely taking a meal there, although this is 
frequently done in country hotels in summer. 

In a hotel in a large city a woman who is alone 
does not linger in the halls or in the vicinity of the 
office, and, under all circumstances, makes her en¬ 
trances and departures as inconspicuously as possible. 
An early hour for dinner is chosen, not later than 
half past seven o’clock, and an inconspicuous place 
in the restaurant is selected. She does not receive 
a man visitor in her private sitting-room. If going 
out in the evening she returns early. 

When ordering a meal at the hotel one selects 
from the menu what is desired and the entire order 
may be given to the servant, who will be expected to 
bring the things in regular courses, or one may order 
the next course as each separate course is brought, 
but the first method saves delay. 

After finishing a meal the servant is asked to bring 
the “check” or bill and the money is given to him to 
pay the cashier. He returns the change and one is 
expected to give him a “tip.” If stopping at a hotel 
for any length of time, and where meals are ordered 








276 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

a la carte, each meal may be charged to one’s account 
by signing one’s name on a check or slip brought by 
the servant. The usual tip to a waiter at a restaurant 
or in a dining-car would be at least fifty cents for two 
persons. At expensive hotels or restaurants much 
larger tips are given if good service is expected. 

At a hotel one leaves an order at the office with 
the clerk if wishing to be called to take an early train. 

Tipping at hotels has no positive rule, but from ten 
to twenty-five cents is expected by a porter for each 
trunk. Ten per cent of the cost of a meal is supposed 
to be the fee to the waiter but this is not now considered 
sufficient and the amount is more than doubled. 
Twenty-five cents is the smallest tip for any meal. If 
a meal costs two dollars a tip would be thirty-five cents 
and ten per cent on a larger amount. If a meal is 
served in one’s room from twenty-five to fifty cents 
would be given as a tip, if it is merely a tray with 
breakfast. The maid who attends to one’s room is 
given at the rate of twenty-five cents a day, or more if 
she is called upon for personal service. Bell-boys who 
bring iced-water or render other services, expect ten 
cents each time. 

When traveling rapidly from place to place one 
needs a small amount of luggage and few dresses. 
If it is the intention to remain some weeks at a hotel, 
it may be necessary to have more variety in dress, 
but people show best taste who do not dress for dis¬ 
play but for utility at hotels. 

Correct dress for traveling is simple, serviceable 
and exceedingly neat. Women of refinement know 
that costliness or elaboration in costume must be 


TRAVELING 





1 KA VtLLIiNvj 277 

avoided. Jewels are not worn. Costly rings, jeweled 
v atehes, strings of pearls are out of place if worn 
on a journey. A tailored dress of woolen material, 
brown, gray, dark blue, or black is indispensable for 
cool weather. For warm days a dress of pongee, 
linen, voile or dark foulard is chosen. A hat of small 
size and plainly trimmed, without ostrich feathers or 
flowers is correct and a veil is worn as a protection 
from dust. Gloves of gray or tan shades are for 
traveling. A very important rule to remember is that 
gloves should remain on the hands! Nothing is in 
worse taste than ungloved hands when traveling. 
Gloves may be inexpensive of fabric or silk, but must 
be worn. Fresh gloves may be put on for one’s 
arrival. 

At a hotel at breakfast or luncheon a woman wears 
her traveling dress and hat. In the evening for din- 
her a crepe de chine dress, or a foulard, or a gown 
of black lace would be appropriate. Much depends 
on the plan for morning or evening as to how one 
shall dress, but if one aims at simplicity one can never 
be at fault. 

In regard to luggage a small quantity is best for 
a short trip. Good form demands that a woman 
shall not carry a suit-case by hand. It may be checked 
and relegated to the baggage car. A small traveling 
bag and an umbrella may be carried. It is awkward 
as well as incorrect to be laden with boxes, packages 
and baskets. 

To purchase one’s ticket in advance of a journey, 
and, for a small extra charge to check luggage through 
from residence to destination, relieves one from trouble. 








278 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

On an ocean steamship passengers may speak to 
one another, but this does not constitute a continued 
acquaintance after leaving the ship. In fact, it is a 
point about which great discretion should be used. 

It is courteous to bow every morning and evening 
to those who are at the same table. Commonplace 
remarks or general comments are customary on the 
ordinary topics concerning the ship, the weather, or 
the news which comes by wireless. 

On deck the usual small courtesies are offered to 
those who are seated near. Naturally, it is not proper 
to use the chair of another passenger, or to move 
another person’s chair, or to use a rug, or pillow, or 
to take a book belonging to a stranger. Reading aloud 
on deck should not be indulged in, nor should criti¬ 
cism, or complaints of service be made in loud tones. 
Young girls and young men should be careful not to 
stay out on deck later than eleven o’clock, and not to 
disturb persons who have retired to their staterooms 
by loud laughter or singing. 

On a steamship a lady wears much the same style 
of dress as has been suggested for hotel wear. What¬ 
ever may be said of advocating full evening dress for 
dinner on the ships of the great Atlantic lines, it is 
not in good taste and a display of jewels is neither 
correct nor is it a safe proceeding. Formal evening 
dress is never worn by the best people. Afternoon 
dresses without hats are worn, or very semi-formal 
dresses. A man wears for traveling a sack suit, soft 
hat, white linen, and laced calfskin shoes. At a hotel 
or on a steamer he may choose to change for a dinner- 
coat in the evening, white waistcoat, white linen, a 


TRAVELING 279 

black satin tie and patent-leather shoes. If he pre¬ 
fers he may change his informal morning attire and 
put on a cutaway coat. At a hotel when dining with 
ladies he wears the conventional evening clothes, but 
he never wears a “tail coat” on a steamer. 

In foreign countries travelers requiring advice may 
call without introduction on the consul of their nation 
and feel sure of receiving any official aid necessary. 

Tips on ocean steamships are, as a rule, ten per 
cent of the price of the ticket. Five dollars to one’s 
dining-room steward, and the same to cabin and deck 
steward; two dollars each to other stewards who 
attend to one’s bath and serve tea. These tips are 
on ships of large companies, as fees differ according 
to the line. On smaller lines and slower ships less 
is expected and given. While the conventional tips 
differ, as has been said, and a woman passenger does 
not always tip as liberally as a man, a woman who has 
needed much attention and has been ill should give 
her stewardess at least five dollars. A man who has 
required much waiting on should give five dollars to 
the bedroom steward. If no trouble has been given 
by a passenger who needs to be economical two dol¬ 
lars and a half may be given to each steward and 
stewardess. If the ship’s doctor has rendered service 
there are different rules on different lines. He may 
send a bill, or may not make any charge. If he leaves 
the matter to a passenger’s judgment a fee of five or 
ten dollars might cover the indebtedness, but if con¬ 
stant attendance has been necessary a fee should be 
liberal. 

At hotels abroad the rule for tipping is ten per 






280 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

cent of one’s bill for employees. Boys who do er¬ 
rands and porters who care for luggage expect tips. 
Cab drivers are given a tip in addition to the regular 

charge. 

Living at lodgings in London or at small hotels 
is often preferred by women. Lodgings may be had 
in pleasant neighborhoods, including meals, or one 
may take luncheon at one of the nice restaurants 
where women go. Ladies can go together to the 
theatre in the evening with propriety, and it is an 
easy matter to call a cab. 

There is an art in traveling, as in other things, and 
the pleasure of a journey depends greatly on whether 
a right or wrong method is adopted at the outset. 
To begin a journey when exhausted by packing and 
hurrying at the last moment is not conducive to com¬ 
fort. 

The quantity of clothes to take on a European trip 
depends somewhat on individual needs, the season, the 
length of time one expects to be absent and whether 
or not economy of space is to be the rule. Experi¬ 
enced travelers find in regard to luggage that a trunk, 
a bag and a carry-all are sufficient for a woman who 
proposes going even to great distances and various 
climates. 

It is usual, however, for an extended stay abroad, 
to take a large trunk to go in the “hold” of a ship and 
a steamer trunk for cabin use. Luggage should be 
marked distinctly with name or initials. A distin¬ 
guishing band of color is useful for prompt identifi¬ 
cation in the confusion on wharves or in baggage- 


rooms. 


TRAVELING 


281 



It is always desirable to have a supply of note paper 
of best quality in case the necessity should arise for 
writing notes of ceremony, as it is not in good taste 
to write these on hotel paper. Visiting cards should 
not be forgotten. 

Aside from practical details, there is the necessity 
of possessing an intelligent, observant and a recep¬ 
tive mind. Cultivation and imagination are valuable 
adjuncts to one who would really appreciate the hap¬ 
piness of travel. The knowledge of history and liter¬ 
ature adds to the interest of the scenes visited. Some 
Americans rush through countries and fancy they 
have traveled. They know the places abroad where 
they may get good clothes and food, yet they go 
through the world seeing nothing. 

The writer recalls an incident when at Sir Walter 
Scott’s beloved “Abbotsford.’’ Friends and strangers 
were being shown through the rooms. While look¬ 
ing in absorbed interest at some treasured relics 
which had belonged to Mary, Queen of Scots, and 
which Sir Walter had loved to collect, a stranger’s 
voice close by inquired of the writer, “Will you tell 
me whether Mary, Queen of Scots, was related to Sir 
Walter Scott?” 

To get over the ground and be able to say one has 
been there seems the only object of some travelers, 
and now, if one would keep up with the times, a flight 
by air is the fashion. To fly from London to Paris 
is nothing, and from Paris to Prague takes far less 
time than by train. The present rate of speed in exist¬ 
ence reminds one of the Red Queen’s sagacious re¬ 
mark in Through the Looking Glass, that “it takes 









282 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

all the running an ordinary person can do nowadays 
to keep in one place.” 

American men who are distinguished citizens are 
frequently presented at the British Court at Levees 
held by the King. A full-dress uniform is invariably 
worn by a man who is entitled to wear it; if not, a 
suit of dark cloth is worn. A man wears gloves when 
going to a Levee, but removes the glove from the right 
hand before entering to be presented. 

Strict rules and regulations are observed as to dress 
and etiquette for Court functions. These vary from 
time to time but may be obtained from the American 
Embassy. 

American women who are presented when the King 
and Queen have “drawing-rooms,” must have brought 
letters to the American Ambassador from a member 
of the United States government well-known to him. 
A lady who knows the Ambassador and his wife per¬ 
sonally, may have the suggestion made to her that 
she should be presented. Otherwise it is allowable 
for her to enclose her letters of introduction to the 
Ambassadress with a note asking to have her name 
put on the list. 

It is expected that she shall register her name at 
the American Embassy sufficiently in advance of the 
time for presentation. If a name is accepted it is sent 
with credentials to the proper official, who sends the 
invitation, if the name is approved. 

At presentations women wear beautiful gowns of 
every shade of color. Trains are from the shoulders. 
White feathers are worn in the hair and graceful veils 
are attached. 


TRAVELING 283 

On the day of the ceremony it is necessary for one 
who is to be presented to take with her the card of 
invitation on which her name is very distinctly writ¬ 
ten, and to give it to the official. Wraps are left 
in the carriage or car, or in the cloak room. There 
may be a long interval before one’s turn comes to be 
presented. At the moment a lady makes a deep curt¬ 
sey, once to the King, once to the Queen, and steps 
backward with as much grace as she can command. 
The curtsey and backward step need practice. 

The responsibility of a presentation rests upon the 
person making it. When it is made through official 
channels the responsibility rests on the “office.” 



CHAPTER XXXIV 


TITLES, APPLIED COLLOQUIALLY AND IN 
CORRESPONDENCE 

Addison tells us that “We generally find in titles 
an intimation of some particular merit that should 
recommend men to the high stations which they pos¬ 
sess. Holiness is ascribed to the Pope; majesty to 
kings; serenity to princes; excellence to ambassadors; 
grace to archbishops; reverence to the clergy.” 

This may be a fitting opening to the consideration 
of titles, since it is necessary, in the present constitu¬ 
tion of things, that order and distinction should be 
kept up in the world. 

In speaking to the President of the United States 
it is correct to say, “Mr. President,” and occasionally 
“Sir” in a conversation. 

An official letter to the President begins, “Sir,” and 
closes, “I have the honor to remain, Yours most re¬ 
spectfully,” or, “Your obedient servant.” A social 
letter begins “My dear Mr. President,” and closes, 
“I have the honor to remain, Yours faithfully.” The 
address should be, “The President, Washington, 
D. C.” 

The Vice President is addressed in speaking, “Mr. 
Vice President” and “Sir” is used occasionally in a 
conversation. An official letter begins and closes 

according to the formula for the President, and an 

284 


TITLES, APPLIED COLLOQUIALLY 285 

informal one in the informal manner. The address 
is, “The Vice President, Washington, D. C.” 

The Chief Justice of the Supreme Court is “Mr. 
Justice,” and “Sir” in conversation. An official letter 
begins “Sir” and an informal one, “My dear Mr. 
Justice.” “Yours faithfully,” may be used in either 
letter, which should be addressed with the full title. 

A member of the Cabinet is “Mr. Secretary," in 
conversation. An official letter begins, “Dear Sir,” 
an informal one, “Dear Mr. Secretary,” with the 
close, “Yours faithfully.” The address is according 
to the official title, “ The Secretary of State,” or “The 
Secretaiy of the Navy, as the case may be. 

A Senator is spoken to as “Senator W_” in con¬ 

versation; a member of Congress is “Mr. M- 


The forms for beginning and ending formal and in¬ 
formal letters are “Sir,” or “Dear Sir,” formally, and 

“Dear Senator W-,” or “Dear Mr. M_,” 

informally with the close, “Yours very truly,” for an 
official letter, “Yours faithfully,” for an informal one. 
A letter to a Senator is addressed with his full name, 
“Senator James W. Wadsworth, Jr., Washington, 
D. C. A letter to a member of Congress is ad- 
diessed, The Hon. Ogden Mills, House of Repre¬ 
sentatives, Washington, D. C.” 

In speaking to a Governor it is correct to say 

“Governor C-.” A formal letter begins, “Your 

Excellency.” An informal letter begins, “Dear Gov¬ 
ernor C-.” The close of either letter follows the 

usage given for a Senator. The letter is addressed, 
“His Excellency, the Governor,” with the name of the 
capital and State. 








286 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

A Mayor is spoken to as “Mr. Mayor.” Letters 
to a Mayor begin, “Dear Sir,” and end according to 
the rule for a Senator or Governor. Letters are ad¬ 
dressed, “His Honor the Mayor.” 

If speaking to an Ambassador one says, “Mr. Am¬ 
bassador.” A letter begins officially “Your Excel¬ 
lency,” and informally, “Dear Mr. Ambassador. 
The close may be officially, “I have the honor to re¬ 
main, Faithfully yours,” or “Yours respectfully,” or 
“Your obedient servant.” An informal close is 
“Yours faithfully.” The letter should be addressed, 
“To His Excellency, The American Ambassador, 
American Embassy, London.” 

A Consul is spoken to as “Mr. Brown,” and a letter 
may begin, “Sir,” or “Dear Sir,” or informally, “My 
dear Mr. Brown,” and close, “Yours very truly,” or 
“Yours faithfully.” The address should be “Thomas 
Brown, Esq.,” or, “The Hon. Thomas Brown.” 

If one is present at a general audience with the 
Pope it is not etiquette to speak. At a private audi¬ 
ence one waits to be spoken to. A letter to the Pope 
should begin, “Your Holiness,” and conclude, “I have 
the honor to remain, Your Holiness’s most humble 
servant,” and should be addressed to “His Holiness, 
Pope Pius, Rome, Italy.” 

When speaking to a Cardinal one says “Your Emi¬ 
nence.” A letter, formal or informal, begins, “Your 
Eminence,” and closes, “I have the honor to remain, 
Your Eminence’s humble servant.” The address is 
to “His Eminence, Cardinal O’Connell, Boston, 
Mass.” 

A Roman Catholic Archbishop is “Your Grace,” 


TITLES, APPLIED COLLOQUIALLY 287 

colloquially. A formal or informal beginning of a 
letter to him is, “Most Reverend and dear Sir,” and 
the close, “I have the honor to remain, Your humble 
servant.” The letter would be addressed to “The 
Archbishop of New York.” 

An Anglican Archbishop is “Your Grace,” or “Arch¬ 
bishop,” colloquially. A formal letter would begin, 
“My Lord Archbishop,” and close, “I have the honor 
to be Your Grace’s most devoted servant.” The ad¬ 
dress would be “His Grace, the Lord Archbishop 
of Canterbury, The Palace, Lambeth, London” or 
“His Grace, The Lord Archbishop of York, Bishop- 
thorpe, York, England.” 

A Bishop is spoken to as “Bishop Manning.” A 
formal letter begins, “Right Reverend and dear Sir,” 
and closes, “I have the honor to remain, Your obedi¬ 
ent servant,” or “Yours most respectfully.” An in¬ 
formal letter begins, “My dear Bishop Manning,” 
and ends, “Yours faithfully.” The letter should be 
addressed, “The Right Reverend William T. Man¬ 
ning, D. D., Bishop of New York.” 

A Priest is “Father C-,” or “Father” in con¬ 

versation. A formal letter would begin, “Reverend 
and Dear Sir,” an informal one, “Dear Father 

C-,” and either one would close, “Faithfully 

yours,” and would be addressed in full, “The Rev¬ 
erend John C-.” 

A clergyman who has the degree of a doctor of 

divinity is spoken to as “Doctor A-.” One who 

has not the degree is “Mr.” Letters would begin, 

“Dear Sir,” or “My dear Dr. A-,” or “Dear Mr. 

B-.” A letter to a doctor of divinity is addressed 








288 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 


in full, “The Reverend John Blank, D. D.” To one 
who has not the degree a letter is addressed, “The 

Reverend Robert B-In speaking to a dean 

of a cathedral he is called “Mr. Dean,” in English 
usage, or “Dean” by American custom. A letter to a 
dean is addressed “The Very Reverend Henry Goode, 
D. D.” 

A chief point to be remembered is never to inter¬ 
lard conversation with names or titles. When first 
speaking it is correct to say, “How do you do, Senator 

A-,” or “Bishop B-,” or “General C-,” 

and after that not to mention the name at all, but to 
say “you.” 

When speaking to officers in the Army or Navy one 

says “General P-,” “Admiral R-,” “Colonel 

B-,” “Major C-.” Intimate friends only may 

say, “General,” “Admiral,” “Colonel,” or “Major.” 

According to English etiquette there are exact 
forms in the application of titles. 

Americans who are presented at Court, or who are 
well-bred and properly introduced, are entitled to be 
considered as aristocracy and gentry and as such they 
observe the usages of those coming within that cate¬ 
gory, which includes the landed gentry, all belonging 
to the Army and Navy, the clergy, the Bar, the medi¬ 
cal and other professions, and what is known as the 
aristocracy of Art, and the leading bankers and mer¬ 
chant princes. 

There may be superficial changes and the leveling 
of classes owing to the war, but traditions remain and 
forms are recognized and observed. 

All persons within the category of aristocracy and 










titles, applied COLLOQUIALLY 289 

gentry would say “Sir,” if speaking to the King, or 
the Prince of Wales, or a royal duke. Others would 
say, “Your Majesty” to the King, and “Your Royal 
Highness to the Prince of Wales and royal dukes. 

Etiquette demands that one must wait to be spoken 
to before making a remark to a royal personage. To 
the answer would be added “Sir,” to the King, 
Madam, to the Queen. If there should be anything 
further to say it is said with brevity and deference, 
Yes, Sir, I think so, Sir,” or “Very much, Madam,” 

or “les, Madam.” Democratic as these forms seem 
they are correct. 

English people do not use titles often in conversa¬ 
tion and Americans who are well-bred do not inter- 
spei se them in their talk, but follow the easy rule, 
previously mentioned, of omitting the name and say- 
Hg you. When speaking to a duke one may say, 
“Duke,” or not use the word. A tradesman, valet, 
or maid would say, “Your Grace,” to a duke, “Your 
L01 dship, to an earl or viscount. A duchess is ad¬ 
dressed as “Duchess,” by the aristocracy and gentry 
and as, “Your Grace,” by others. 

A marquis is called “Lord A-,” and a marchion¬ 
ess “Lady A-.” It is a mistake to say “Marquis,” 

or “Marchioness.” 

Americans occasionally make the mistake of speak¬ 
ing of an earl as “The Earl of Sunningdale,” or of 
a viscount as “Viscount Farandnear.” The correct 
usage is “Lord Sunningdale,” “Lord Farandnear.” 
The wife of an earl is colloquially, “Lady Sunning¬ 
dale,” not, “The Countess of Sunningdale,” and a 
viscountess is “Lady Farandnear,” not “Viscountess 




2 9 o EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

Farandnear.” But when addressing letters the full 
title is given and it is etiquette to include the definite 
article, “The,” in the address, “The Viscountess Far¬ 
andnear.” 

A peer signs his name, “Blankshire,” according to 
the title. A peeress signs her Christian name with 
the name of her husband’s title, “Susan Blankshire,” 
or, “Cora Sunningdale,” or, “Mary Farandnear.” 
Peeresses speak to their husbands and of them by 
the name of the title, “Blankshire,” “Sunningdale,” 
“Farandnear,” instead of using the Christian name. 

The daughters of dukes, marquises and earls are 
spoken to as “Lady Maud,” “Lady Beatrice,” and 
the younger sons of dukes and marquises are “Lord 

Edward B-,” or, “Lord Louis M-.” Persons 

knowing them well would call them “Lord Edward,” 
or “Lord Louis.” The wife of a younger son is ad¬ 
dressed by the Christian name and surname of her 
husband. Intimate friends only may say, “Lady Ed¬ 
ward,” or “Lady Louis.” 

The courtesy title of “Honourable” is borne by 
the younger sons of earls and by the eldest and younger 
sons of viscounts. The daughters bear this courtesy 
title, but it is never used colloquially, under any cir¬ 
cumstances, but simply “Mr.” or “Mrs.” or “Miss 

B-,” but when addressing a letter the abbreviation 

“Honble,” is used. 

A baronet is spoken to as “Sir Arthur,” and the 

wife of a baronet is “Lady H-,” according to the 

surname of her husband, not as “Lady Arthur 
H— —,” as the full name would indicate the rank of 
a younger son of a duke or marquis. 







TITLES, APPLIED COLLOQUIALLY 291 

A French duke is addressed by his surname with 
the addition of “Monsieur,” thus: “Monsieur de 
Rouen,” and a duchess is “Madame de Rouen.” This 
applies to all French titles; the “de” before the sur¬ 
name must not be omitted. 

If it should be necessary to write to royalty one 
would begin, “Sir,” or “Madam,” and conclude, “I 
have the honor to be, Sir (or Madam), Your 
Majesty's most obedient,” or “Your Royal Highness’s 
most obedient.” The word “servant” is not included 
except by a British subject. 

Forms for beginning and closing letters to other 
titled persons abroad are omitted in these remarks, 
as formal letters would not be sent usually by Ameri¬ 
cans. When writing to them as friends one writes 
as to other friends, “Dear Duke,” or “Dear Lady 
Farandnear,” or to an intimate friend, “Dear Mary,” 
with the close, “Yours faithfully,” or, “Yours sin¬ 
cerely,” or “Yours affectionately,” to a lady, accord¬ 
ing to the degree of friendship or life-long intimacy. 


CHAPTER XXXV 


DRESS 

Authorities in good taste always claim that suc¬ 
cessful dressing is in the avoidance of over-decoration 
and exaggeration and the adapting of each novelty 
to individual requirements. A climax of inappropri¬ 
ateness characterizes dress at the present time. 
Costly fabrics and jewels are beautiful when worn at 
appropriate times, but there are occasions when they 
are out of place. To dress in accordance with one’s 
means and circumstances does not imply that a woman 
of wealth should wear extravagant clothes. On the 
other hand, to dress more expensively than one can 
afford is to lose the respect of others. No one is 
respected who seems to carry all of her worldly pos¬ 
sessions on her back. Evidences of this are seen too 
frequently. 

How to dress, how to make a favorable outward 
presentment is important to every woman, and just 
here it is necessary to define what often escapes due 
consideration. It is that inward personality is ex¬ 
pressed by the outward appearance. Character, 
thoughts and aims are declared by one’s clothes. A 
very interesting distinction may be made between 
dress and clothing. To dress indicates to decorate, to 
trim, to deck externally. To be clothed symbolizes 

292 


DRESS 


293 


something far better than to be decorated. It means 
to be invested with a garment, to be enfolded suitably. 
The beauty and dignity of the human presence may 
be portrayed by clothes. They declare what is 
evolved from within as clearly as language. They 
may be a revelation of a womanly nature, or they may 
suggest something unworthy. All that is best in 
womanhood is at variance with any fashion that is 
not modest. Fashion in this regard has reached a 
point where sensible women must protest. Nothing 
should ever give an impression, or an appearance of 
what a woman would not be. 

Fashion should have an air of beauty, a touch of 
grace. Variations in fashions will assert themselves 
continually. Often they are for becomingness, or for 
comfort. An intelligent woman knows how to adapt 
a new departure in fashion to her own personality. 
A new fashion is to her merely a guide, not an arbi¬ 
trary law. 

A fictitious and an artificial value is often set on 
display, and the craving for expensive clothes some¬ 
times results in making women thoughtless and selfish. 
When put to its rightful use pleasure in the loveliness 
of appropriate clothes may be harmless, but when it 
becomes an absorbing passion it is a dangerous pur¬ 
suit. 

Between foolish extravagance and excessive econ¬ 
omy in dress there is a happy medium. A well-bred 
woman is careful to have her undergarments as fresh 
and neat as her gowns and hats and would preferably 
spend more money for them. Fler shoes, gloves and 
accessories are neat. She does not wear expensive silk 


294 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

stockings and conspicuous shoes and a shabby dress 
or soiled gloves, or no gloves at all! 

“Simplicity in dress” is a misleading term. A sim¬ 
ple dress may be expensive, because it is of the best 
material and perfect in cut and therefore made by a 
good dressmaker or tailor. Simplicity means the 
avoidance of fantastic designs, complex or abundant 
trimmings. 

A woman who has what may be called “clothes 
sense” knows what suits her style and selects what is 
in proportion to income and in keeping with her sur¬ 
roundings. 

An excellent rule, if one must limit expenditure, is 
to buy two good dresses for each season, an evening 
dress and a day dress. More elaborate evening 
gowns are for winter and summer and semi-formal 
ones for spring and autumn. The three-piece dress 
is a sensible choice for daytime wear in winter. For 
spring and summer a dress suitable for town or coun¬ 
try is chosen, but strictly for country-wear clothes 
suitable for the country are needed. Sports clothes 
which are well-made, a few gowns perhaps made at 
home are practical and satisfactory additions. 

How to wear one’s clothes is an art. A woman 
of personality and grace gives distinction to the plain¬ 
est garments. Another may have the most costly 
things, but if she is awkward in movement or car¬ 
riage, untidy in the smallest degree, she will look as 
“dowdy” as though gowns and hats had been thrown 
at her. 

It may seem a paradox, but a woman who is well- 
dressed appears unconscious of her clothes. She 


DRESS 


295 

wears them with ease and self-forgetfulness. She is 
scrupulous in attending to each detail of dress and 
personal appearance before leaving her room and 
then gives no further thought to the matter. 

She is fastidious about her daily bath, the care of 
her hair, teeth and nails. She does not examine her 
face in public conveyances or in any public place. The 
height of vulgarity is reached when women or girls 
look in little mirrors, in their hand bags, in public, 
powder their noses, or use lip-sticks. As to rouge, it 
had best be abandoned. No one is deceived by arti¬ 
ficiality. 

Young girls who are best dressed do not wear 
jewelry. Imitation jewels are in very poor taste. Any 
redolence on the person from strong perfumery is 
inexcusable. A clean, pure skin, kept fresh from 
daily bathing and the use of unscented soap does not 
require the addition of a perfume. 

The constant changes of fashion make it unwise to 
have a quantity of dresses. A few gowns of best 
material, well-made and sufficient for a season are 
better than many of inferior quality, or in the extreme 
of a passing fashion. Gowns of correct cut have a 
style of their own. Plain clothes are sure to be appro¬ 
priate anywhere, elaborate ones are not. A tailor- 
made gown of dark color and durable material is 
necessary for street wear, for church, shopping, or 
traveling, a hat not overtrimmed, gloves of gray or 
tan suede and plain shoes are in good taste. The 
color, style and material of clothes should be appro¬ 
priate to one’s figure, height and age. A woman who 
is stout should not wear light-colored or plaid effects, 


296 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

or elaborate gowns, or hats with many feathers. It 
is safe for a stout person not to have a severely tailored 
gown, but to choose rather a more modified fashion. 
Thick ankles should never appear in light stockings. 

At balls, formal dinners and in opera boxes low- 
necked gowns are worn. Married women wear their 
handsomest jewels, but they are not overladen with 
jewels. There is more distinction in a string of real 
pearls and a beautiful brooch than in many ornaments. 
Hair ornaments are worn at balls and in opera boxes, 
but are not appropriate on other occasions. A tiara, 
an ornamental comb, or a spray of feathers, or some¬ 
thing equally becoming may be worn. Hair is not 
“dressed” for special occasions. A woman arranges 
her hair carefully every day in a manner becoming to 
her own style and according to fashion but modified 
rather than accentuated. 

For informal dinners, the theatre, restaurants of 
fashion, concerts or opera, informal dinner dresses 
are worn. These are merely low in front and high in 
the back and with sleeves to the elbow, or shorter if 
preferred. Ball dresses are worn in boxes on gala 
nights at the opera or when going later to a ball, 
otherwise on ordinary nights informal dresses are 
appropriate. In stalls at the opera informal gowns 
are worn. 

A debutante wears at balls a dress of diaphanous 
material, tulle, net, lace or gauze and possibly with 
spangled crystal trimming. White is chosen usually, 
but fashion decrees that any color of a very pale shade 
is suitable. Jewels are not worn by young girls. A 
String of pearls is permissible and becoming. Slip- 


DRESS 


297 

pers and stockings to match evening gowns are worn. 
White kid gloves are for balls. 

At a formal luncheon cloth or velvet gowns are 
seen, or woolen materials of various sorts, or dull silk, 
embroidered or not. Dresses of this description and 
smart hats are for weddings and teas. 

At restaurants of fashion women in New York in 
the evening wear evening gowns and no hats. Eve¬ 
ning gowns with hats are never worn. In the day¬ 
time, day dresses are worn, and always with a day 
dress a hat must be worn, whatever may be the hour. 

For church a dress should be inconspicuous and a 
hat small. Large hats in church interfere with the 
view of those sitting in the rear. In the country 
clothes suited for country wear are for church, but 
not “sports” clothes. Elaborate summer dresses and 
hats may be for garden parties, but country dresses 
are equally suitable. 

A riding habit must be very “trig,” smart, and 
thoroughly conventional, and of a dark color. Boots 
with low heels and straight in line at the back, gloves 
of leather, a flat stock, tied smartly, a hat of conven¬ 
tional shape; these accessories are correct. Hair must 
be tightly coiled or braided, and made to look very 
compact and trim by wearing a hair net. 

Riding astride is for girls before they are “grown¬ 
up.” In England a girl may ride astride as a child, 
but afterwards she uses a side-saddle, and it is con¬ 
sidered the best form in America for girls to observe 
this custom. 

During the war the high cost of kid gloves and the 
creditable wish to reduce everything to a very limited 


298 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

expenditure made them almost completely out of 
fashion, and for the street gloves were of the useful 
“fabric.” These are still in good taste. A few rules 
for kid gloves may be given, as they have again 
returned to favor. White kid gloves are for lunch¬ 
eons, teas, dinners and evening parties, balls and the 
opera. Suede gloves are for church and equally ap¬ 
propriate for day wear on any occasion. For the 
street doeskin gloves are worn. Gloves are removed 
when taking one’s seat at a luncheon or dinner. They 
are taken off, not turned back on the wrists and arms. 
They are not worn when pouring tea or playing cards. 
They may be taken off or kept on at a standing-up 
luncheon or supper, but at a seated supper they must 
be removed. 

Gloves are not worn by a hostess when receiving 
before a dinner, luncheon or card party, but are worn 
at a large reception, or a dance, or ball. 

Certain elementary principles are to be considered 
in the choice of colors in dress. The color of the hair 
and clearness of the complexion have much to do with 
the appropriate selection of color. Blue in its deepest 
tones, and often in its palest tints, is becoming to a 
woman with clear white skin and dark-brown or chest¬ 
nut hair, while tan, pink, violet, dark green and deep 
red are equally suitable. Blue is the standard color 
for a blonde. It imparts the complementary orange to 
the color of the hair and complexion. Although pale 
colors are often recommended for women with fair 
hair, more character is given in the choice of deep 
colors. Dark blues and greens, rich browns and warm 


DRESS 299 

grays are suitable, and some shades of mauve, pink or 
red may be worn. 

A distinct brunette, or one with less positive color¬ 
ing, may wear red. It lends a roseate hue to pale 
complexions. It intensifies the color of delicate skins. 
Red should be avoided by those who have florid com¬ 
plexions. Green, black, white or cream shades will 
soften the effect of florid coloring. 

Green is universally becoming. Nature’s partiality 
for this color is an evidence of its beauty and it is used 
in combination with every color. Warm shades of 
green are becoming to a brunette. These shades in¬ 
cline to bronze or yellow, and harmonize with the 
orange tones of a brunette’s complexion. Shades of 
green which have blue in them are apt to be unbecom¬ 
ing. The complementary color of green is red and 
it throws this shade on the face and improves a pale 
complexion. 

Colors which may be becoming when worn below 
the face are not always satisfactory in a hat. 

A woman with auburn hair, or whose hair has the 
tints of amber which are so beautiful, may wear yel¬ 
low, if it is used sparingly, and if eyes are deep blue, 
brown or hazel. Golden brown harmonizes with hair 
of this color, and green has a good effect. Black is 
effective, white is becoming, but buff, or gray, red or 
pink, should be avoided. 

Yellow is usually supposed to be a becoming color 
for a brunette but it should be chosen with discretion. 
The complementary color of yellow is violet, thus it 
neutralizes the yellow of the complexion, and gives 
freshness to it, but if there is more yellow than orange 









300 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

in the skin it changes the complexion to a dull white. 
Greenish yellow should not be chosen. Old gold and 
pale shades of yellow are more becoming. A woman 
whose hair has the rich dark tints which are blue-black 
may wear corn color, provided her complexion is very 
clear. A brunette with a clear skin and dark brown 
hair may wear blue in deep or pale shades, but blue 
is not for a brunette who has a complexion where 
orange predominates. 

Those who have light brown hair may wear green, 
dark red, warm tints of brown, gray that has pink in 
it, and a few shades of violet. 

Those who are so fortunate as to have Titian hair, 
named from the famous Venetian painter, who por¬ 
trayed that color so wonderfully, look well in purple 
or mauve. These colors harmonize with red hair of 
almost any tint; but purple and mauve intensify the 
yellow in the complexion and need to be carefully 
chosen, the complementary, or directly opposite color 
of yellow being purple. When contrasted with golden 
hair purple is beautiful for this reason, the fair skin 
which accompanies golden hair having less yellow 
than other complexions. 

The shade of purple which inclines rather to crim¬ 
son is far more becoming than the cold, blue shades. 

Women with gray hair look well in certain shades 
of purple, violet or mauve, if the complexion is clear, 
and has not too much yellow in it. Blue is becoming 
to women with gray hair. Black is becoming, espe¬ 
cially black velvet. The colors to be strictly avoided 
are red and brown. 

Complexions which are real are considered in the 


DRESS 3 oi 

foregoing remarks. Artificial complexions, made- 
up” with paint and powder are not for the well-bred 
woman, who never chooses what is a vulgar craze. 
“Made-up” complexions never deceive, even when 
dexterously painted, and dyed hair has the effect of 
adding lines to a skin and thereby giving increased age 
to a face. 

Fans have played an important part in the world 
of fashion since the seventeenth century. The noted 
artists of France often devoted their skill to painting 
these dainty accessories of evening dress. Any one 
who possesses an antique fan treasures it in a cabinet 
or frames it and hangs it on the wall. An heirloom 
of the sort is too choice for careless use. 

The modern fans are in great variety of styles. 
They are costly as the purse can buy or inexpensive 
enough to suit the purchaser of modest means. For 
the bride there are fans of rare point lace set with 
sticks of pearl. Beautiful fans are painted in water 
colors on vellum, kid, silk or paper. The Fouis XV 
style is very charming. The central cartouche con¬ 
tains a figure scene, a pastoral, a graceful mythologi¬ 
cal fancy or portrait groups. The figures are in the 
costume of the period with powdered hair. The 
painting is in tender tints of rose, gray, green and 
delicate, vaporous blue. The sticks are of mother- 
of-pearl or ivory, inlaid with gold, silver or enamel 
and sometimes enriched with gems. 

The Fouis XVI style is somewhat the same, but 
the figures are more generally enclosed in a medallion, 
and the spaces between are filled with graceful orna¬ 
mentation, festoons of flowers, loops or bows of rib- 


302 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

bon supporting smaller medallions. Garlands, urns 
and vases are characteristics of this style of ornament, 
and the sticks are in fine carving and gilding in various 
tints. The Empire fan is of gauze decorated with 
spangles of gold or cut steel arranged in symmetrical 
patterns. White ostrich feather fans, or of all the 
pastel shades, with ivory or tortoise shell sticks, are 
among the expensive varieties. 


CHAPTER XXXVI 


EVERY-DAY LIFE AT HOME 

Home used to be the centre of life in our country. 
There was a beautiful, sincere home life and the spirit 
of it was for the true pleasure of all who came within 
its influence. The training of the children was of 
serious importance. This type of home seems to have 
suffered a relapse. The need of a vigorous recon¬ 
struction of home-life is felt by all who realize its 
value. Home influence may have had only a tempo¬ 
rary relapse, and it is believed that the people of our 
country are earnest in wishing to bring back the 
former efficiency of home and restore the intense con¬ 
cern that used to be given to the training of children. 

The rush and tumult in which many people live 
destroys happiness and comfort in every-day life. 
People are too busy with things outside of home, not 
because they expect pleasure, or are even very much 
interested, but because other people are doing these 
things. Notwithstanding all that is said of woman’s 
share in the world’s enterprises and her place in the 
foreground, there is in every woman’s heart a con¬ 
viction that home is the centre from which her widest 
influence may go forth. 

No other element in education is equal to a happy, 
peaceful home life, where one learns to submit im¬ 
pulse, or caprice, to simple laws which maintain order, 

303 


3 o 4 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

cheerfulness and obligingness. In its true sense home 
is a wonderful training ground for manners, an op¬ 
portunity for personal discipline. Tact, forbearance 
and concessions are necessary in every condition of 
life, and nowhere can they be practised better than 
at home. One learns to respect the opinions of others, 
to look at things from another’s point of view, to 
give up insisting on having one’s own way, and thus 
it is possible to become broad-minded, generous- 
hearted, just and considerate. 

Patriotism has its foundation in love for home. 
Those who love their country cling with earnest deter¬ 
mination to everything that forms and protects the 
sacredness of home. A nation cannot be great unless 
there is a serious feeling of law and order, and one 
of the most important results of home-training is that 
children realize the sense of law and order, the sense 
of responsibility, and the obligation of fulfilling the 
duties of good citizens. 

The maintaining of courtesy and cheerfulness is 
a bond which holds together family life. It helps 
toward serenity, poise and sympathetic companion¬ 
ship. Peace and harmony are the essentials among 
the older members of the family. What the children 
see is the pattern for their imitation. The serene 
head of a household, who keeps her own poise, who 
is patient but firm, and who strives to understand the 
dispositions of others and make them happy, is sure 
to have influence. The father may show chivalrous 
consideration of the mother in so beautiful a way that 
the children will wish to follow his example. 

Those who have by inheritance a gracious and 


EVERY-DAY LIFE AT HOME 305 

courteous manner regard it as something precious, a 
heritage to pass on to their children. If the standards 
of parents are high they will be reflected in words 
and actions and shine out unconsciously in the simplest 
things of daily life. 

Hospitality helps to develop the generous and gay 
spirit in the household. A home that is a real home 
has something glowing in its atmosphere. What a 
pleasure it is to find a little luminous spot where fam¬ 
ily life is seen to be happy and simple, and where 
social enjoyment has charms which have neither the 
“pretence of pomp nor the ornaments of extrava¬ 
gance !” 

The dwelling itself should have a certain person¬ 
ality and convey a sense of beauty, with much to please 
the eye in furnishings and color. Pictures and books 
must have their place. Without books there is no 
cultivation. A home always reflects its owner. It 
may be a palace and seem empty; it may be a little 
house, or a cottage, or a small apartment and have an 
indefinable charm. 

Even in the simplest household there should be 
certain formalities observed. Punctuality at meals is 
important in all well-regulated families. If one is 
detained an apology is offered when entering the room. 

At breakfast letters may be opened and a newspaper 
may be glanced at, but not put down on the table. 
A book should never be brought to the table unless a 
person is alone. Letters, books or newspapers are 
never brought to a lunch or dinner table. 

It is fatal to happiness in married life to drop 
courtesy of manner or to be careless in dress. For 


3 o6 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

dinner a woman changes her street dress, or day dress, 
and wears something fresh, becoming and attractive. 
A man who is scrupulous in his personal appearance 
changes his clothes for dinner, whether intending to 
go out or stay at home. A general freshening for the 
dinner hour is restful to body as well as stimulating 
to mind and always customary among well-bred people. 

At dinner each person should contribute to cheerful 
talk. Any pleasant experience of the day ought to be 
shared, a friend we have met, a little journey we have 
taken, a book we have been reading. Silence at table 
is depressing. Subjects to be avoided are bad news, 
illness, accidents, annoying business matters. Family 
affairs may require settlement but may be discussed 
elsewhere, and never in the presence of a servant 
waiting on the table. 

If it is the family principle to be talkative and 
agreeable at the table there will be greater ease when 
guests are present. 

Some persons make the mistake of reserving pleas¬ 
ant manners for strangers and taking for granted 
that they may be sulky, dull, even rude at home. 
They forget that insincerity is detected by others. 
The merely external habit may fail when away from 
home, and rudeness, or ill-temper will be sure to show 
the falsity of the outward veneer. 

If children hear gossip, or harsh, uncharitable com¬ 
ments about neighbors, or false standards of morals, 
they cannot be expected to escape the injurious in¬ 
fluence. 

The best home education teaches children that they 
are to take their part in the faithful performance of 


EVERY-DAY LIFE AT HOME 


307 

the duties of life, to be centres of fresh homes, or new 
circles of influence and usefulness when they are men 
and women. The more parents realize this the more 
closely their children will be drawn to them in love 
and gratitude in later years. 


CHAPTER XXXVII 

THE EMPLOYEES IN A HOUSEHOLD 

A secretary is a daily visitor in some households, 
where a large amount of correspondence must be cared 
for. Invitations must be replied to, or addressed, tele¬ 
phone messages must be sent or answered, and there 
are numerous letters in the daily mail asking interest 
in some new charity, or requesting aid or interviews. 
Often a woman of society has serious occupations be¬ 
yond the mere whirl of amusement. She may be con¬ 
nected with work of a philanthropic nature and her 
official duties, or committee work, entail a constant 
correspondence, of which a secretary must take charge. 
The duties of a secretary may include keeping house¬ 
hold accounts, filing bills, balancing a check book and 
keeping it in order, making out checks for her em¬ 
ployer’s approval and signature. Every morning the 
secretary comes for a stated number of hours. Cor¬ 
respondence of a business nature may be type-written 
by the secretary and prepared for her employer to 
sign, but personal notes, notes of friendship, must be 
hand-written and made ready for the signature of the 
employer. 

A companion is not often required in a house, except 
in the case of a semi-invalid or an elderly woman 
living alone. The duties of a companion vary accord¬ 
ing to circumstances, but, as a rule, she would be 

308 


EMPLOYEES IN A HOUSEHOLD 309 

expected to read aloud well, talk pleasantly, to be 
tactful, and to know when to talk and when to be 
silent and when to efface herself. She must be well- 
dressed in the appropriate style of any well-bred 
woman. It may be that she would be expected to fill 
social duties, to assist in entertaining, to attend to 
general correspondence, do shopping and be an ex¬ 
perienced traveler. 

In a household where there are many servants to 
direct, a housekeeper is essential. Twelve or fourteen 
servants are frequently employed in large houses in 
New York, Newport, Lenox and elsewhere, and the 
personal supervision of the house would be impossible 
to a lady occupied largely in social life, therefore 
the responsibility devolves on a housekeeper. The 
qualifications of a person in a position of the sort are 
executive ability, self-control, decision, and good judg¬ 
ment. She must be systematic and strict; with a keen 
sense of justice toward all those under her super¬ 
vision, with an unfailing sense of conscientiousness 
toward her employer, whose interests she represents. 
She must be discreet and never annoy her employer 
by reporting trivial details, yet keep her informed of 
important matters. The menu each day may be made 
out by the housekeeper and submitted to the mistress 
of the household for examination, approval or changes 
and then given to the cook, but, if a chef is employed, 
it is his duty to prepare the menu and send it to the 
employer for approval or alteration. Orders in re¬ 
gard to this important matter are taken early in the 
day. Verbal directions may be carried by the house¬ 
keeper to the cook. Lists for marketing and for the 


3 io EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

various tradesmen are written by the housekeeper, 
whose duty it is to make memoranda of whatever may 
be needed. She inspects pantry and cellar, to see that 
everything is in order. She has charge of the house¬ 
hold linen, and gives it out each day and selects the 
fine damask to be used for dinners. Her duties may 
be to superintend the assorting or arranging of the 
flowers which arrive regularly from the country green¬ 
houses of her employer, although the care of the 
flowers may be relegated to the butler or housemaid. 
The housekeeper supervises the women servants and 
inspects the bedrooms to see that the maids have cared 
for them properly and that the rooms and private 
bath-rooms for invited guests are in order and to see 
that note paper, ink and pens are on desks, and towels, 
soap and matches are in their respective places. Her 
other duties are to open and prepare the town and 
country residences of her employers in the different 
seasons. For this she has the assistance of servants 
and workmen and upholsterers. In a large house a 
housekeeper has her own sitting-room and a private 
bath adjoins her bedroom. Her meals are carried to 
her by a kitchen maid. 

A lady’s maid has entire charge of the wardrobe 
of her employer; must take out gowns and put them 
away and keep all clothing in perfect order and repair. 
She prepares the bath for her mistress in the morn¬ 
ing, assists in all the various dressing for the day and 
evening, finds all belongings, shoes, gloves, veils, etc. 
She must be a skilful hairdresser. She keeps the 
dressing-table in order, and polishes the silver. Skill 
in packing trunks must be one of her accomplishments. 


employees in a household 311 

Where there is a young girl in a family a lady’s 
maid is expected to go with her when she goes to 
evening parties, accompany her to the dressing-room 
and await her there, or return for her later. In the 
various changes of the present time this is not always 
required but in conservative families the rule prevails. 
If a maid does not accompany a young girl or call for 
hei, she awaits her return home and assists her in 
undressing and brushes her hair. 

A lady’s maid waits on guests who may be visiting 
her employer and who have left their own maids at 
home. She offers services to newly arrived visitors, 
unpacks trunks and distributes their contents and 
willingly shows any needed attention during the visi¬ 
tors’ stay, her reward being a fee at the close of the 
visit. A lady’s maid wears a black skirt, white waist, 
and a small white apron, or a small black silk apron. 
Her collars and cuffs are of white lawn. 

One of the qualifications of a butler is to have good 
height. He is expected to have a dignified mien, an 
impassive manner and an unchangeable expression of 
countenance under all circumstances. He must be 
clean-shaven, as are all men-servants. His attire in 
the morning is a morning or cutaway coat. In some 
houses the employer furnishes the butler with a suit 
of dark cloth for morning wear. For luncheon, 
whether formal or informal, he wears dark striped 
trousers, black cutaway coat, high black waistcoat, 
white shirt with standing collar and a black tie. 

After luncheon he wears the regular evening clothes, 
but in some houses he does not put on the evening 
suit until six o’clock. The evening suit for a butler 





313 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

is different from that of a gentleman in certain details. 
A butler’s waistcoat is black and he has a white lawn 
tie, but a gentleman wears a white waistcoat and 
white tie with full evening dress, or a white waistcoat 
and black tie, if wearing a dinner-coat. 

The butler is responsible for the silver, the wines, 
and other property put in his care. He is supposed to 
have good judgment of what the other men-servants 
should do who are under his control. He stands be¬ 
hind the chair of the lady of the house at all meals 
when not occupied in serving. He understands all the 
arrangements of the table and the correct service for 
each meal. The carving of the meat in the pantry 
may devolve upon him, but this is usually done in 
the kitchen by the cook in order to have it very 
hot. 

When there is no valet or footman employed the 
butler does the duty of a valet to his employer. 

The dress for the house-footmen is a livery which 
Varies in different households but is in good taste 
if of dark green cloth, the coat having brass buttons, 
the waistcoat of finely striped livery-vesting, of black 
and yellow, or black and white. The livery is worn in 
the morning as well as in the afternoon and evening. 
A third and fourth man are often employed and livery 
of the same sort is provided for all. In some houses 
the second, third and fourth men wear in the afternoon 
what is known as a “footman’s court-livery,” the more 
pretentious dress being velvet knee-breeches, black silk 
stockings, patent-leather pumps and gilt buckles, waist¬ 
coats of scarlet cloth and black dress coats with cross¬ 
cords and brass buttons. 


EMPLOYEES IN A HOUSEHOLD 313 

A butler is always called by his surname, other men- 
servants are called by their Christian names. 

Where a footman is employed, one of his duties is to 
answer the front door bell. When he is out the butler 
attends to it. He assists the butler in every way, lays 
the table, clears it, washes silver, glass and china and 
cleans silver. 

Always there is a “useful man,” who never comes 
in the dining-room. He attends to the furnace, brings 
wood for open fire-places, cleans windows, etc. 

The livery suitable for a boy, or “buttons,” who 
may be employed in a club, or a physician’s office, to 
open the front door, is a short jacket with small metal 
buttons; trousers to match the cloth of jacket. Dark 
blue or dark green are preferred colors. A waistcoat 
of striped livery-vesting in black and white or black 
and yellow may be worn. 

The chef in a household is supposed to be an artist 
in his li ne of work. He is a personage of importance 
and rules as an autocrat in the kitchen. I11 a large 
house there may be a second cook to assist him and 
she prepares meals for the servants’ table, and for 
the children of the family. Always there is a kitchen 
maid in a house where a number of servants are em¬ 
ployed and where much entertaining is done. In some 
houses there are two or three kitchen maids. Their 
duties are to assist the cook in all minor matters, 
prepare meals for the servants, if no second cook is 
employed, and attend to the serving of meals in the 
servants’ dining-room. 

In small houses a simpler style of living is the cus¬ 
tom. A cook may make out a menu for the day and 






3 i4 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

attend to the marketing, or the employer may do 
all the ordering herself. Where a cook is alone she 
has everything to do in regard to the care of the 
kitchen and the servants’ table. 

A laundress in a large house has an assistant, and 
superintends the work, her part of the work being 
chiefly the fine and elaborate articles and costly house 
linen. The rest she assigns to her assistant. 

In families where there are very young children 
and where expenditure is not to be considered, a 
trained nurse is often at the head of the nursery and 
wears her regular uniform. 

As a general rule a nurse wears in the morning a 
neat cambric dress and a plain white apron. When 
going out with children or when traveling she wears 
a black dress and coat, or a dress and coat of any 
dark color, or a long cape, and a small, plain hat. In 
warm weather she may have a coat of gray mohair, 
and a plain straw hat. An apron is not worn in the 
street by a nurse, but this depends on the wishes of 
her employer. When traveling she need not wear an 
apron unless it is necessary to protect her dress, but 
as soon as going to a hotel to stay and removing hat 
and coat she should wear an apron, as she is then to 
dress the same as when at home. 

Some employers prefer to have a nurse wear a dark 
blue mohair dress, and a smart fashion is to have 
this style of dress for street wear in winter with a 
long loose blue cloth cloak, black velvet bonnet tied 
with broad black ribbon strings, a large white apron, 
deep white linen collar. When such a uniform is ex¬ 
acted it must be supplied by an employer. 


EMPLOYEES IN A HOUSEHOLD 31$ 

In simple households where no men-servants are 
kept, there may be two, three, four or more women 
servants. A waitress who is expert understands the 
correct serving of dinners and luncheons, the carving 
of meat, and making of salads. 

In the morning, a waitress wears a neat cambric 
dress of a plain color or striped, a white apron and 
cap. 

The proper attire for a waitress in the afternoon 
and evening is a black dress, white apron with bib 
and shoulder-pieces, white linen collar and cuffs, black 
ribbon tie, small white muslin cap and black bow, all 
except the dress being supplied by the employer, who 
sometimes supplies the black dress also if she demands 
that it shall be worn. This attire should be put on 
at the luncheon hour. 

The cleaning of the drawing-room and library, the 
care of bric-a-brac devolves on the parlor-maid, who 
also superintends the cleaning of bedrooms. She is in 
reality the head housemaid and has her assistants. The 
housemaid or chambermaid has charge of the bed¬ 
rooms. In large houses the work is suitably divided 
among a number of housemaids. The dress of a par¬ 
lor-maid or a housemaid is the same as that of a 
waitress. 

A recent custom is for a waitress to wear with a 
black dress a small black silk apron, white collar and 
cuffs and no cap. A dress of gray mohair is equally 
suitable for afternoon and looks well with a small 
black apron. In the summer in the country cotton 
dresses of plain blue, lilac or pink are chosen by em¬ 
ployers for their maids for afternoon wear, as they 








316 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

are cooler than mohair. Aprons are small and dainty, 
as a rule. A tiny cap is always smart and becoming, if 
maids only realized the truth, that a cap is not a badge 
of servitude but a mark of neatness and distinction! 

Large aprons and large caps are correct for cooks 
and kitchen maids, or, instead of large aprons one- 
piece gowns of white are excellent style for comfort 
and neatness. 

It is important to instruct a maid how to open a 
front door properly, how to receive cards and to dis¬ 
tinguish between a visitor and a messenger. A door 
should be opened wide, as though the person arriving 
were welcome. The maid should have a small tray in 
her hand on which to take cards. If her mistress is 
not at home, the maid should say so, in reply to the 
visitor’s inquiry. If she is at home, the maid should 
usher the visitor to the drawing-room and take the 
card upstairs and return and say to the visitor, “Mrs. 
Dash will be with you in a few moments.” 

Always when a visitor is calling and leaving cards, 
or when going away after a call, a servant should not 
close the door until a lady has reached the sidewalk. 

When a messenger calls, he should wait in the hall 
while the servant takes a note or message to the mis¬ 
tress. 

A waitress opens the house and airs the halls in 
the morning and may dust rooms before breakfast. 
After breakfast she clears the dining-room and takes 
all the dishe»s and silver into the pantry to wash. She 
must not wash dishes or silver, between courses, while 
the family are at table. She switches on the electric 


EMPLOYEES IN A HOUSEHOLD 317 

lights in the evening and draws down the window 
shades. 

The housemaid arranges the bedrooms for the night, 
removes spreads, turns down blankets and sheets neatly 
on beds, and brings iced water. 

In a simple apartment where but one maid is kept, 
her employer very wisely insists on careful serving and 
waiting, and neat dressing. A maid who is self- 
respecting and has pride in her work and service will 
be dressed neatly according to the usual rules for the 
dressing of a waitress, except that she is not required 
to put on her black dress until after luncheon, or 
about three o’clock, unless invited guests are expected 
at the luncheon hour. A considerate employer plans 
the work with thorough system, and attends herself 
to arranging flowers for the table. 

Well-trained servants do not speak unless spoken 
to without saying, “I beg your pardon.” They answer, 
“Yes, sir,” or, “No, madam,” when replying to an 
order or an inquiry. They do not enter a bedroom 
without knocking. They bring cards, letters, or small 
parcels on a tray. 

Personal neatness is an essential qualification in a 
servant. Any permitted carelessness of attire is a 
reflection on the employer. Thin shoes should be worn 
by servants, who should be taught to step lightly. 

A servant should be alert to answer the bell and be 
civil in manner. When a visitor is leaving a servant 
should be in the hall to open the door, having been 
summoned by an electric bell touched by the mistress. 

The mistress of a household is largely responsible 
for the manners of her servants. If she is dignified 




3 i8 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

and self-controlled she commands respect. She avoids 
the use of diminutives when addressing her maids. 
Jane, Susan and Rose are not called “Jennie,” “Susie” 
and “Rosie.” Familiarity does not lead to good serv¬ 
ice. 

It goes without saying that a lady never speaks of 
her maid as “the girl,” or “hired-girl,” “nurse-girl,” 
“upstairs-girl,” or the like. The proper terms are 
“maid,” or “housemaid,” “nurse,” or “nurse-maid,” or 
“waitress,” as the case may be. 

A wise employer is inflexible, just, kindly and al¬ 
ways considerate. Orders given must be carried out 
and insisted upon. An employer who appears irreso¬ 
lute, or who changes orders constantly, loses the respect 
of her servants. 

When engaging any servant, it is necessary to state 
plainly what duties and dress will be required, what 
wages will be given, and how much leisure or time 
for going out will be allowed, and when friends may 
be received in the kitchen. It is important to have a 
positive understanding in every particular. 

In large houses there is always a sitting-room for 
the servants, with comfortable chairs, a table with a 
good light, books and newspapers. 

Even in this age of motors a brougham drawn by 
handsome horses is seen occasionally in the midst of 
dashing cars in a city street. In it will be seated one 
or two ladies whose preferences forbid the use of 
modern vehicles. The livery of coachman and foot¬ 
man is of the color to match the carriage linings or 
established family colors, shades of plum, dark green, 
or brown being favorites. The livery coat is single 


EMPLOYEES IN A HOUSEHOLD 319 

breasted. Buttons of brass may have the crest or 
monogram of the employer. Trousers to match the 
coat are worn or breeches of white buckskin or cloth, 
with boots having boot tops of tan or white leather. 
Silk hats are worn. When a family is in mourning it 
is customary to have the livery of black. 

In winter overcoats are provided for coachman and 
groom, with collar and cuffs of Persian lamb, and 
heavy cords and loops across the breast of coats. 
Mackintoshes and storm hats are for use in bad 
weather. Out of town, more informal livery, for sum¬ 
mer, may consist of a sack or cutaway coat, with 
breeches and leggings and bell-top hat. The livery is 
of tan or gray tweed. 

A chauffeur’s livery in winter is a coat and trousers 
of kersey or melton cloth, a double-breasted overcoat 
of the same. The overcoat may have a double row 
of metal buttons, silver or brass. The buttons may 
have the monogram of the employer. His employer 
may prefer to have him wear breeches and leather 
leggings for a smarter effect. Laced calfskin shoes 
and dark gloves and a cap with a visor, complete his 
livery. The color of livery may be in accordance with 
the preferred style formerly used by the family for a 
coachman—dark green, plum or brown. In severely 
cold weather a chauffeur requires a long fur coat, fur 
cap and gloves. When a footman is employed his 
livery is the same as the chauffeur. A chauffeur does 
not leave the car when a footman is employed, but 
when he serves alone he must stand by the door of the 
motor to open it for the entrance or exit of his em¬ 
ployer, take her orders, arrange the robe over her 









320 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

knees, or take it away for her exit. When receiving 
or completing orders he touches his cap. When await¬ 
ing his employer at any time a well-trained chauffeur 
keeps a demeanor of aloofness and does not recognize 
friends of his who pass. 


CHAPTER XXXVIII 


CLUB ETIQUETTE 

Before joining a club a man shows worldly wis¬ 
dom and common sense by informing himself what will 
be the expense, approximately, of becoming a member. 
The outlay in dues, subscriptions, food, luxuries and 
hospitalities may be considerable. Bills must be paid 
with absolute punctuality. Economy cannot be prac¬ 
tised in clubs and those who are not in a position to 
observe the customs had best not seek admission. A 
man’s own judgment tells him how many clubs he can 
reasonably afford to join. Men who stand very much 
on their dignity never suggest that they would like to 
join any but a political, business, sporting or athletic 
association. 

To be eligible for membership in a social and ex¬ 
clusive club means that a man must be a gentleman 
and must have friends who are members and who are 
willing to propose and second him. Naturally, it is 
pleasanter to be asked to join than to suggest it, but 
a man would not ask the favor of anyone but a very 
intimate friend. As a rule he waits to have the over¬ 
ture made by a member who offers to put him up and 
to get another member to second him. It may be that 
the aspirant mentions the name of a friend who will 
second him. 

The name of a proposed member is written in the 

321 
















322 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

book at the club which is reserved for the purpose. 
The proposer and seconder sign their names in this 
book. The name of the candidate is then posted on 
the bulletin-board. Each friend then writes a letter 
to the board of governors, endorsing the candidate, 
telling briefly whatever may be of personal importance, 
what is his standing in the community, of what college 
he is a graduate, his professional or business connec¬ 
tion and any further information which may be of 
interest. If he served in the Great War his service is 
noted. In the meantime the candidate asks a few 
friends who are members of the club to write letters of 
endorsement to the governing board. 

If the record of a candidate is good there is every 
reason to be sure of his election. If anyone thinks 
that a man is not eligible the governors suggest to 
the proposer that the name should be withdrawn. 
This rule is followed rather than the old method of 
“black balling,” but a withdrawal is not often re¬ 
quested. If it should occur the objection may be put 
aside later and the name put up. 

When elected the member receives a notice with 
the information in regard to his initiation fee and 
dues. He sends a check without delay. 

A new member makes himself familiar with the 
constitution and by-laws of a club through the book 
which contains also the names of members. His own 
instincts as a gentleman, his powers of observation 
and the suggestions of his friends enable him to learn 
quickly the unwritten laws existing in a club. Strict 
observances are not to speak to anyone who is read¬ 
ing or writing; not to-talk in the library or reading 


CLUB ETIQUETTE 


323 



room; not to join or interrupt two persons who are 
talking; not to discuss private affairs with those who 
are not close friends, and never to mention the names 
of ladies, in general conversation, with those who are 
not friends, or who are known to be indiscreet. A 
rigid observance is to pay card debts at the table. 

A new member does not speak to anyone whom he 
does not know, but it is polite for a governor, or an 
old member, to speak to him. 

Members of a social and representative club are 
either residents or live within a certain limit of miles 
from the place, or they are non-residents, who live 
at a greater distance. Non-residents have the priv¬ 
ileges of residents but do not pay the same dues. 

A club is for social enjoyment and relaxation and 
members are careful not to propose candidates who 
may be uncongenial to others. 

After joining a club a man who finds, as time goes 
on, that his finances do not permit him to continue to 
be a member, should resign while his standing is good 
and not wait until his affairs become involved. He 
must be able to pay his debts. Failure to meet these 
obligations is not forgiven, and expulsion from a club 
may happen and this means disaster to reputation. 

A member who takes a friend, who is a stranger, 
to a club writes his name in the visitors’ book and 
introduces him to a few members who may be present. 
Or he may write a note to the secretary requesting 
that a card may be sent to his friend with privileges 
for a week. A card is then sent extending the priv¬ 
ileges and giving the exact dates. It bears the line, 
for example, “Through the courtesy of Mr. Aldous 









324 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

Wright.” The visitor then has the privileges of a 
member but must be careful not to step beyond them. 
He cannot bring others to the club, as he must respect 
the “roof-tree,” and consider that the club is like 
the house of a resident, while it is merely his own 
transient abiding place for the moment. He should 
ask to have accounts sent to himself, not to his friend, 
and when leaving must pay the bill without a word 
of comment or a manner of hesitation. 

During his limited time a man who has been in¬ 
troduced at a club has the privilege of breakfasting, 
lunching and dining, reading and writing there. He 
is punctilious in not assuming rights of any sort. He 
must not overstay the limit of time of hospitality and 
must pay for meals, cigars, postage, or other things, 
and not tip servants without ascertaining whether this 
is customary, nor should he send a servant out on 
any message or business. 

The hospitality of a club is thus offered by a member 
to a friend who is a stranger in a city, not a resident, 
and who lives fifty miles or more away. Privileges 
may be for a day, or two weeks, according to club 
rules. Hospitality which is offered is regarded as 
sacred as that which is given by a friend in his own 
house and is not to be infringed upon. 

One of the clubs for men in New York grants the 
privilege to the wives of members of inviting women 
for luncheon or dinner informally in the ladies’ dining 
room. Guests are asked to meet the hostess in the 
ladies’ reception room. The lady who invites guests 
must enter their names and her own in the visitors’ 
book, with date. 


CLUB ETIQUETTE 


325 


There is less exclusiveness in country clubs than in 
the leading social clubs in cities, but many are as ex¬ 
pensive as a representative city club because privileges 
are given to the families and friends of members. The 
regulations for membership are practically the same 
as for social clubs in cities. Country clubs, however, 
grant certain privileges to people who take houses in 
the locality. If they are there for a season they are 
transients and pay subscriptions for the season. Their 
subscriptions may be renewed indefinitely if they con¬ 
tinue as residents, or a new election for a member may 
be required every six months. 

New residents in a neighborhood reasonably expect 
to be asked to join a country club or they mention 
to a friendly neighbor that they would like to join. 
A man of good credit, reputation and manners would 
not be refused admission. When admitted he is care¬ 
ful to observe the established rules and unwritten laws, 
and does not allow his family or guests to violate any 
of the laws, either within the house or on tennis courts 
or golf courses. 

Introductions are made at country clubs with in¬ 
formality. A guest for a day is not allowed to pay 
for meals or to tip servants. 

Clubs for women are on the same plan as clubs for 
men and the same etiquette is required. Obligations 
and debts must be paid with promptness. Clubs of 
every description, social, professional, political, literary 
and artistic exist everywhere and are arranged to suit 
every taste and financial condition. Informal clubs are 
comparatively small. Members are elected by the vote 





326 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

of all the club members, or may be elected by gover¬ 
nors. Conventional rules are usually followed. 

An invitation to luncheon, tea or dinner at a wom¬ 
an’s club is regarded as similar to being bidden to a 
private house. At some of the clubs for women the 
members may invite their men friends for tea or din¬ 
ner. In some luxurious clubs special rooms are for 
the use of guests. In all clubs it is necessary for a 
member to understand in advance the boundaries be¬ 
yond which strangers are not allowed to go, not even 
those of her own family, her father or brothers. A 
woman asks other women to be with her, when she has 
men guests. 

A member should resolve to avoid criticizing or dis¬ 
cussing the way a club is managed. If she is on a 
committee it is well not to resent too often any criticism 
which may be offered of her proposals or advice, other¬ 
wise she may get the reputation of being a chronic 
grumbler. And she should refrain from discussing the 
conduct of members or their guests. If others talk, 
whisper or laugh in the reading-room it is not courteous 
to stare or make a request for silence. The best way 
to call them to order is to send a servant to say quietly 
that they are disturbing others. 

Courteous women in small towns or informal clubs 
always bow to members whom they may see in public, 
if they have had occasion to speak to them at the club. 
They bow to other members with whom they may not 
have exchanged a word, but whom they recognize. 
In large cities this custom is not followed and club 
membership does not constitute acquaintanceship with¬ 
out the formality of introductions. 


CHAPTER XXXIX 

FUNERAL OBSERVANCES 

Simplicity is the rule more and more in funeral 
observances and privacy governs all preparations. 
When a death occurs in a house the fact is intimated 
by drawing down the shades of all front windows. 
The former custom of placing crepe or black stream¬ 
ers at the door bell is abandoned in favor of a sheaf 
of flowers tied with ribbon. White flowers, either 
roses or white carnations with white ribbon indicate 
the death of a young person or a child; roses with 
violets and white ribbon are for an older person, mar¬ 
ried or unmarried, while white and purple flowers 
with black ribbon may be for a person advanced in 
years. 

A servant is stationed in the hall to open the front 
door and receive messages or notes, and to maintain 
quiet, and must be given instructions what to say in 
response to inquiries and who shall be admitted. 

The notification of the death is published as soon 
as possible in the newspapers and is briefly expressed. 
The information as to the time and place for the 
funeral services is given, or it may be essential to 
say, “Notice of funeral hereafter.” This notice con¬ 
cerning the services may be in the next issue of the 
newspapers. Frequently the line is added, “It is re¬ 
quested that no flowers may be sent.” This request 

327 








328 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

has become necessary owing to the lavish display of 
floral offerings sent by friends, and, possibly, from 
the wish not to seem to expect these tributes, but there 
is something very touching and beautiful in the custom 
of demonstrating sympathy, affection and respect by 
sending flowers at a time of bereavement. The line, 
“The interment will be private,” sometimes follows 
the notice of a funeral, but it is well understood that 
only the family and a few intimate friends are to be 
present at the interment. 

Friends who live at a distance are informed by 
telephone, telegrams or by notes that a death has 
occurred in a family, or marked copies of the local 
newspapers may be sent containing a notice of the 
death, or notices may be published in the newspapers in 
cities where friends live. 

The duty of taking charge of the arrangements 
for a funeral is assigned usually to a man of the 
family, or near relative, or to an intimate friend who 
will relieve the household of the details of prepara¬ 
tion. He consults with the chief mourner, ascertains 
definitely whether the clergyman who is to officiate 
can do so at the hour chosen, or will appoint an 
hour; he arranges all details with the undertaker; sees 
that the correct notice is sent to the newspapers; en¬ 
gages the organist and choir, if the funeral is to be at 
a church, and settles the time for opening the church 
with the sexton. 

Good taste is shown by the choice of a casket of 
polished oak or covered with black cloth and having 
silver mountings. 

Important notes should be written by the chief 


FUNERAL OBSERVANCES 329 

mourner if possible. A note should be sent to the 
clergyman requesting him to officiate, and a note to 
each pall-bearer requesting him to act in that capacity. 
If the chief mourner prefers an intimate friend may 
be delegated to write the notes, or the man to whom 
has been assigned the duty of representing the family 
may call on the friends who are selected as pall¬ 
bearers, or may telephone to them and supplement 
the messages by courteous notes. Those who are asked 
to be pall-bearers should be prompt in accepting. Ill¬ 
ness or enforced absence are the only reasonable ex¬ 
cuses for declining to serve. Six or eight pall-bearers 
are selected. These are men of middle age, if the 
funeral is of a married person. They are friends of 
the family, or of the deceased, not relatives. The 
same number of young men would be chosen for a 
young person. For a child there are no pall-bearers. 
There is no obligation in regard to having pall-bearers 
and very often a funeral occurs without them. 

The correct dress for a pall-bearer is a black cut¬ 
away coat, or for an elderly man a frock-coat, black 
trousers and waistcoat, white linen, black Ascot tie, a 
high silk hat with narrow mourning band, black shoes 
and black kid gloves. 

Other men at a funeral, except relatives, need not 
wear all black, and may appear with gray gloves and 
dark ties, and have soft hats. Women, who are not 
relatives, wear dark gowns, not necessarily black, and 
very inconspicuous hats and gloves. 

A woman who is an intimate friend or a relative 
is asked to attend to ordering mourning and doing 
necessary shopping for the women of the family, or 


330 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

the request may be sent to a shop from which a person 
will call to attend to the selection and ordering of 
appropriate clothing and millinery. A man of the 
family may take a cab, or go in his car to his tailor 
and hatter to obtain a correct outfit for himself. 

Even when the death notice is accompanied by a 
request to omit the sending of flowers it is allowable 
for very intimate friends to send them to one of the 
bereaved family. A few choice blossoms with the card 
of the friend and a word of sympathy may be sent. 

Flowers may be sent at any time between the notice 
of the death and the morning of the funeral. They are 
usually sent a few hours in advance of the funeral 
and are then at their best. The engraved card of the 
sender is tied with narrow white ribbon to the wreath 
or stems of the flowers. Across the top of the card 
may be written, “With deep sympathy.” The flowers 
are sent to the chief mourner. A label or tag from 
the florist's may have the words, “In care of,” written 
before the chief mourner’s name. Flowers are fre¬ 
quently roses of any color, Easter lilies, violets, calla 
lilies, white or purple orchids. A sheaf of roses tied 
with white ribbon; a wreath of violets and lilies-of-the- 
valley with violet ribbon; palm branches, with white 
and violet orchids are appropriate. Richly colored 
leaves are sometimes chosen. 

Cards should be removed from all flowers received 
for a funeral before placing them in a room where 
services will be held, or before sending the flowers to 
a church or cemetery. All cards are carefully kept 
so that a grateful message may be forwarded later 
to the senders. 


FUNERAL OBSERVANCES 33 x 

Punctuality is observed for the ceremony at a 
funeral in a church. The pall-bearers assemble at the 
house and go to the church in conveyances provided 
for them. 

The church is opened three quarters of an hour 
before the time appointed for the service. Front pews 
are reserved for the use of the family and a few 
intimate friends. Friends go to the church shortly 
before the time named and take their seats quietly 
and unobtrusively. Sometimes two ushers may have 
been selected from among friends to show friends to 
seats, but an usher does not offer his arm, under these 
circumstances, but walks beside a lady to the pew 
designated. 

Occasionally, when a death has occurred far from 
home and the remains have been brought a long jour¬ 
ney, possibly, across the ocean, the casket may have 
been in a “mortuary chapel” of the church and it may 
be placed before the chancel in advance of the arrival 
of the family. 

On usual occasions the casket is carried up the aisle 
for the service. Flowers are grouped about the chancel 
steps and choir stalls on either side before the service; 
wreaths are hung on the lectern, or rest against it, 
at the base. 

The pall-bearers, and those who are nearest rela¬ 
tives of the deceased, assemble at the house with 
punctuality. When the casket is carried to the hearse 
the pall-bearers stand near with uncovered heads. The 
cortege then proceeds to the church. The church doors 
are closed; those who are to follow the casket up the 
aisle, alight from their carriages and stand in the 


332 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

vestibule for a moment. When everything is in readi¬ 
ness the doors are opened, and the procession is 
formed, the clergyman or clergy having met the cor¬ 
tege at the door. It may be that the preferred ritual 
of the church is that the clergy and choristers shall 
proceed down the central aisle, or the side aisle, to 
meet the casket. The choristers march two and two, 
the crucifer follows, carrying the cross, the clergy 
follow. At the door they turn and precede the casket, 
the choristers two and two, crucifer next, then the 
clergy, one of whom recites the beautiful opening sen¬ 
tences of the burial service from the prayer-book. At 
the first words pronounced everyone in the church rises. 
The procession moves with measured pace up the aisle 
to the chancel. As the casket is carried past the as¬ 
sembled friends they should turn toward it with slightly 
bowed heads, and then face the altar again. The casket 
is carried by men employed by the undertaker. The 
pall-bearers walk before it, two and two. The immedi¬ 
ate family are directly behind the casket, then a few in¬ 
timate friends, who have been asked to come, and, if 
there are faithful servants in the family, they bring 
up the rear. Pall-bearers have seats at the left, the 
family at the right. The men who carried the casket 
go to the side aisle. 

If the chief mourner is the widow of the deceased 
she walks leaning on the arm of her eldest son, or her 
nearest male relative, or the nearest male relative 
of her husband. Other near relations follow, two and 
two. A widower who follows the body of his wife 
would be accompanied by his son, not arm-in-arm, or 
by his daughter, who would lean on his arm, or he 


FUNERAL OBSERVANCES 


333 

would walk with his wife’s mother or sister or nearest 
relative. These arrangements are made according to 
the preference of the families concerned. 

The service proceeds according to the religious rite. 
Hymns are sung which have been chosen by the chief 
mourner. 

At the conclusion of the service the casket is carried 
out, the pall-bearers preceding it. The mourners fol¬ 
low in the order in which they entered. The doors 
of the church are then closed until the family and 
friends have entered the cars and carriages to go to 
the cemetery. If a clergyman is to go to the grave 
he enters a car which follows the hearse. The pall¬ 
bearers may or may not go to the cemetery. This 
depends on what they have been requested to do. As 
a rule, they do not go, if the cemetery is at a distance, 
as in cities. Otherwise they go. 

A child’s funeral is usually at the house of the 
parents. 

At a house funeral, where no notice states that 
privacy is requested, friends understand that they may 
go, but, naturally, only intimate friends make the de¬ 
cision. The drawing-room is provided with rows of 
folding chairs. The casket is at one end of the room. 
Flowers cover it, and are placed about it. There are 
no pall-bearers. Friends enter quietly and take their 
seats. Relatives do not serve in any way either to 
receive or seat friends. A friend may represent the 
family and superintend, but it is not customary to greet 
those who enter. Perfect reverence and silence are 
observed. 

A man-servant opens the doors of arriving carriages, 






334 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

and a man-servant, or a maid, opens the house door 
as people arrive, without waiting for them to ring the 
bell. 

The members of the immediate family assemble in 
a room back of the room where the casket is and where 
the service will be held. 

The friend who represents the family receives the 
clergyman and a room is assigned where vestments 
may be put on. If there is music it is simply of voices 
and a few instruments heard from a distance. A few 
hymns are sung. Nothing elaborate in music is in 
good taste. 

Reverence and courtesy demand that one should 
stand, sit and kneel according to the service in a church, 
or in a house, whether the ritual is familiar or not. 

After a service in a church or house friends are 
expected to leave quietly and not wait to speak to 
anyone, and not to whisper, or exchange greetings. 
For a house funeral a motor is sent to bring the clergy¬ 
man to the house, and to take him to the cemetery, 
and to his house afterwards. 

Motors are provided for pall-bearers for a church 
funeral and are sent at an appointed time to bring them 
to the house where they are to assemble. 

It is not the custom to have motors at the disposal 
of friends to bring them to the church or house, unless 
the funeral is in the country on the arrival of a train. 

If a funeral is in the country and friends are ex¬ 
pected, there may be a special train, or a car attached 
to a certain train for friends. This is mentioned in the 
notice in the newspapers, with the hour for departure 
and return and a card is sent to each friend to be 


FUNERAL OBSERVANCES 


335 

presented at the gate-entrance. When expense is not 
to be considered and a special car is provided for those 
who are bidden, a light luncheon is sometimes served 
on the return, if the journey has been very long. 

The usual way, however, is to state in the notice 
the time of departure, arrival, and return of an avail¬ 
able train and that carriages will meet the train on 
arrival at the country station. Conveyances are at the 
expense of the family and take friends to the church, 
or house and to the station later. 

The fees for the various persons employed, and for 
the choir, are, as a rule, included in the charge pre¬ 
sented after a funeral by the undertaker, who is gen¬ 
erally the sexton of the church, or the fee for the 
organist and choristers may be sent separately to the 
organist. 

The clergyman does not expect a fee, but grateful 
parishioners usually send a check to him to be used 
as he thinks best for a church charity, or he may be 
requested to accept it for himself. 

In the Roman Catholic church there is a fixed fee 
for the priests, acolytes, and for the Requiem Mass 
which is celebrated. 






CHAPTER XL' 


MOURNING CUSTOMS 

Within a few years there has been a decided change 
in regard to the wearing of mourning. It is neither 
so deep nor is it worn for the long periods which 
formerly regulated this convention. Personal feeling, 
individual opinion and different circumstances must al¬ 
ways have an influence on this question, but there are 
rules which still exist, and which are conceded to be 
correct. Altough there are some persons who prefer 
to conform to the periods prescribed by custom, others 
adopt shorter periods, or consult their own ideas with¬ 
out fear of criticism, or, at least, with disregard of it. 

Two reasons govern the decision of the individual 
in wearing mourning; one is sincere grief, the second is 
respect for the feelings of others in the family. In 
the first instance mourning is a protection, a refuge 
from intrusion, a mark that one has retired for a 
time from social affairs. In the second place, when 
merely what may be termed “complimentary mourn¬ 
ing” is worn, it imposes a certain restraint. 

In England there are fixed rules about the wearing 
of mourning and these are accepted and understood. 
In America the lack of absolute regulations, or the 
disinclination to abide by even those which are accepted 
conventions, causes confusion. The best rule to follow 
is to make mourning definite for a time and then leave 

336 


MOURNING CUSTOMS 337 

it off. It is incongruous to wear mourning and to go 
about in society, as this gives the appearance of frivol¬ 
ity which shocks the instincts of those who feel sincerity 
in sorrow. 

Two years was the former period for a widow’s 
deep mourning, sometimes three years, if she pre¬ 
ferred, and a widow sometimes retained lighter mourn¬ 
ing for the rest of her life, unless she married again. 
At the present time a widow does not wear a long 
crepe veil more than a year. There are some widows 
who do not wear the deep mourning with a crepe veil 
more than six months, but this is not the correct con¬ 
vention. After the first year a net veil with crepe 
border is chosen, but what is known as half-mourning 
is not worn until two years have passed. A widow 
should not continue to wear mourning if she has be¬ 
come engaged to be married. 

Veils are much lighter than formerly, the heavy 
veil having given place to the light English crepe, 
which drapes gracefully from the hat. Fortunate it is 
that the heavy veil is discarded, as it was an added 
weight, depressing to spirits, and an injury to health. 
The small, close-fitting bonnet is a thing of the past. 
Small hats of a sensible design are used and crepe 
veils are not worn over the face, except at a funeral. 
Veils are draped on the hat and flow down at the 
back and sides, while a small face veil of chiffon edged 
with crepe is used. Hats which are rather large are 
worn and may be of dull crepe, faced with white 
crepe, with a light-weight veil draped in becoming 
folds. 

The usual period of wearing mourning for a parent, 










338 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

a sister, a brother, or a grown son or daughter is two 
years; deep mourning the first year, lighter mourning 
the second year. The veil is considerably shorter than 
the veil for a widow. The length of time for wearing 
a veil varies. It may be worn six months, but the 
strictly conventional mourning has been abandoned by 
many persons, and it is observed that some women 
do not wear a veil for a member of the family and 
appear in hats which are not correct mourning at all. 
Parents shorten decidedly the period mentioned when 
in mourning for very young children, especially when 
there are other children in the family who may be 
made sorrowful by gloomy mourning. Grief-stricken 
parents suppress their own feelings when they have 
other children, and for their sake deny themselves the 
solace of wearing mourning for infants. Simple black 
is chosen, if black is worn at all. 

The conventional periods of wearing mourning for 
the relatives of one’s husband are, according to an Eng¬ 
lish authority, the same as for one’s own relatives, 
but in America this custom is not observed. Circum¬ 
stances must decide the choice. While it is not in good 
taste to assume deep mourning garb for persons one 
has not known intimately, it is proper to wear black 
for a time for the parents of one’s husband and to 
refrain from going in society. Mourning is not worn, 
however, for brothers-in-law, sisters-in-law, uncles-in- 
law, or aunts-in-law. 

A member of a family wishing to appear at a wed¬ 
ding should lay aside deep mourning for the event 
and while dressed in black try to do away with a 
sombre effect. 


MOURNING CUSTOMS 339 

The fact of being in mourning does not exclude 
any one from sending a gift for a wedding, birthday or 
other occasion. 

A young girl under twenty does not wear a crepe 
veil for a parent. Her hat is of crepe or dull silk, 
with a net face veil bordered with crepe. If a girl 
marries after a year of mourning it is allowable for 
her to leave it off. If the time of mourning has 
not expired a girl may have a very quiet wedding, 
with only relatives present, and wear a white dress, 
but continue to wear mourning until the period of 
mourning is over. 

Children from eight to fifteen wear black and white 
for six months for a parent, or for a grandparent, 
sister or brother. Children should never use note pa¬ 
per with mourning border. 

Many persons claim that mourning is “not obliga¬ 
tory except for nearest relatives.” Young people often 
consider that to leave off color is sufficient for even a 
near relative. Much depends on the degree of in¬ 
timacy or affection that has existed. For a grand¬ 
parent six months is the correct period to be observed; 
three months for an uncle or aunt. 

If it is one’s preference not to wear crepe or deep 
mourning, all black should be worn. If, after the 
death of a near relative, one wears colors, and goes 
in society, it must inevitably follow that one will be 
considered heartless. If averse to following the strict 
rules for wearing mourning, one can refrain from par¬ 
ticipating in social life until a proper time has elapsed. 

The invariable rule in regard to materials suitable 
for mourning is that they shall be of dull finish, either 






340 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

wool or silk, serge, crepe de chine, or other lustreless 
fabrics. Crepe is used as a trimming in the first period 
of mourning, jet trimmings are incongruous, but dull 
jet is used. 

Black and white combinations are not used in deep 
mourning. In warm weather all white or all black 
may be worn, but not a mixture. 

The accessories of dress in mourning should be care¬ 
fully selected. The fancy mesh face veils or dotted 
veils are occasionally seen bordered with crepe, or a 
little veil of chiffon with a picot edge replaces the 
crepe veil. 

Black furs are worn; fox, lynx or varieties of Per¬ 
sian lamb. Furs having a tint of brown or gray are 
not permissible. An exception is made in sables, these 
laie and costly furs being used in deepest mourning. 

Gloves of black kid are worn, but suede gloves are 
considered more appropriate. Shoes of dull black 
leather, or black suede slippers or shoes are used. 
Patent-leather shoes or black satin slippers are not 
correct, but are sometimes preferred. Black stock¬ 
ings are in the best taste, although the French gun- 
metal color is chosen by some women. 

Plain hemstitched handkerchiefs are used, not black- 
bordered handkerchiefs. 

Ostrich feathers, gold jewelry, lace and velvet are 
not appropriate in mourning. Pearls or diamonds are 
permitted in the strictest conventions of etiquette. 
Black onyx set with diamonds is a relief to wear with 
sombre gowns. Colored jewels, even as rings, are not 
worn. 




MOURNING CUSTOMS 341 

There is greater latitude allowed men in regard to 
mourning or remaining in seclusion, possibly because 
business and other affairs necessarily demand that they 
mingle more in the world. 

A widower is supposed to wear mourning for two 
yeai s. A widower who follows conservative laws 
wears a band of moderate width on his hat. Men 
wear hat bands varying in degrees of width for parents, 
children, brothers or sisters, or for very near rela¬ 
tives of their wives. But the soft black hat, which 
is so greatly in favor, is preferred by many men, and 
has not a band. 

Six months would be the shortest time of Seclusion 
from society or the theatre for a widower; a year the 
shortest period to elapse before a second marriage. A 
son would wear mourning for a parent for at least 
a year. 

For economy or other reasons many men wear a 
black band on the left coat sleeve. This does not 
apply to a widower’s mourning. 

Cards or notes of condolence are acknowledged by 
sending one’s visiting card with mourning border in en¬ 
velope to match, and writing across the top of the card: 


‘With grateful appreciation of 


nmnr lrt rt A 




Another form is to have a card engraved for the 
purpose when hundreds of messages have been re¬ 
ceived : 

Mr. and Mrs. Howard White 
acknowledge with grateful appreciation 
the kind expression of your sympathy. 








342 EVERYBODY’S complete etiquette 

Or, “Mr. John Townsend wishes to express his 
grateful appreciation of your kind sympathy in his be¬ 
reavement.” These cards are about five and a half 
inches long by three and a half wide and have mourn¬ 
ing border. 

Cards of this sort are not sent to intimate friends. 
It is courteous to write notes to friends who have sent 
flowers, or to write a few words on a visiting card: 
“Thank you for your sympathy and beautiful flowers.” 

Visiting cards with mourning border in envelopes 
to match are sent in acknowledgment of invitations 
to church weddings, receptions, etc. An invitation re¬ 
quiring a note of reply should be written on note 
paper with mourning border. This makes obvious the 
reason for declining. 

Persons in mourning do not go in society, nor do 
they receive formal visitors. Visits are not made ex¬ 
cept among relatives and very intimate friends and 
then not during the conventional hours for visiting. 
When persons wish to re-enter society, they begin to 
leave cards on friends and acquaintances to indicate 
their intentions. 

Many persons in mourning go to concerts, readings, 
and matinees, although the more conservative do not 
frequent matinees. Some persons are so constituted 
that they need diversion or they become morbid. One 
must decide personally about the period of seclusion 
and remember that it is not always the most formal 
mourning that is the most sincere. 


CHAPTER XLI 


SPORTS AND GAMES 

Sports of every description make up a part of the 
life of everyone in the present day. Men and women, 
young and old, regard sport almost as a business in 
itself, not merely a pleasant interlude. Keenness about 
sport is considered “admirable and heroic.” The man 
or woman who plays many games has a sense of com¬ 
placency and a thinly disguised pity for people who 
do not play them. 

Sport is educative in many ways. Games played 
collectively teach good manners, self-discipline, cour¬ 
teous acquiescence to what may seem an unjust de¬ 
cision. Men who play polo have to abide by the de¬ 
cision of a referee and no discussion is allowed by 
players. Absolute compliance with this rule is neces¬ 
sary. It may be a severe test of amiability but must 
be observed. 

No one should ever join in any sport or game who 
is not resolved to be good-tempered. Skill or tech¬ 
nique in playing does not compensate for sulky behavior 
or impatience at the careless or stupid playing of a 
partner. 

Contests in tennis or golf are tests of temper, fair 
dealing, generosity to an adversary, forbearance toward 
indifferent players, courage in defeat. To be a good 

343 


344 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

sportsman is not to play merely for the sake of win¬ 
ning, but for enjoyment, to be a cheerful loser and not 
an excited or a triumphant winner, and to have a sincere 
appreciation of the fine or superior playing of others. 
Points to be remembered are never to make an excuse 
about a suddenly sprained wrist or ankle when playing 
a match at tennis or golf. It is better to suffer than 
to appear anxious to leave the match if losing. 

As a rule pleasant characteristics are shown in sport, 
or, at least undesirable qualities are suppressed. Sel¬ 
dom is there a display of temper, vanity, selfishness 
or meanness. 

On a golf course etiquette requires that idlers who 
are wandering over a course should never follow 
strangers. Nervous players are often disturbed by 
being watched too closely even by friends and many 
persons consider that it is a decided rudeness for a 
stranger to watch a stroke. One golfer does not speak 
or move while near another who is about to tee off or 
make a shot of any sort. 

Unless asked for advice it is officious for anyone to 
correct a player’s way of holding a club or taking a 
position. 

When matches are being played an audience is 
expected but those who look on must be careful to 
keep within bounds, not to talk, laugh, criticize, or do 
anything to disturb the players, or distract their atten¬ 
tion. They must keep off greens and tees when players 
are on them. 

If a player is put off his form by an onlooker who 
persists in talking or laughing, or who is guilty of re¬ 
peated annoyances, the player may desist from a stroke. 


SPORTS AND GAMES 345 

If this hint is not enough he may ask the disturbing 
person not to talk. 

A woman golfer should not insist on talking to a 
partner who prefers silence and must not impose on a 
man with whom she is playing by expecting him to 
provide golf balls, or a caddy, or to act as caddy him¬ 
self. She must put back the turf where she has dis¬ 
placed it or cut it. 

Rapid players over the links are often held back 
by slow players. The former may ask permission to 
play through and the slow players should grant this 
privilege and wait while the expert players go on. Slow 
players are courteous who volunteer this privilege and 
ask the others to play through. The skilful players 
then say “Thank you,” and proceed to accept the offer. 

Bridge players are often annoyed by those who talk 
and chatter while others wish to be quiet. Bad habits 
are making peculiar sounds, humming, tapping on the 
table with the fingers, finding fault by manner or glance 

I during a game and thus causing a partner to make 
blunders. Taking a partner to task after a game for 
mistakes is another habit which is destructive to all 
pleasure. If one has made an ill-judged play it is 
enough to say, “I am sorry, partner.” 

If a person who is not a good player is asked to 
take a hand at bridge, to fill a gap, it is only fair tcv 
w r arn the others by saying, “I play a very poor game, 
but I will oblige you by playing.” Having received 
this warning it is fair in other participants in the game 
not to make comments or criticisms, and after the game 
to thank the person who merely took a hand to oblige. 
Playing for stakes has its advocates and opposers 





346 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

and must be decided individually. A sensible rule is 
never to play for stakes which would be inconvenient or 
embarrassing to lose. 

If one looks on at a game of cards it is polite to 
say to the players, “Do you mind if I look on?” Con¬ 
sent is usually given and it is the obligation of the 
onlooker to keep silence, and not to offer any advice 
or criticism unless asked to do so. If a player seems 
nervous at being watched the onlooker should move 
away from the table without making remarks. 


CHAPTER XLII 


FOR THOSE IN SMALL TOWNS 

To a young married woman making her home in a 
new place the problem often presents itself of how she 
may retain the interest of her new acquaintances. In 
all probability she has left a large circle of friends in 
her old home; she misses their companionship and finds 
it difficult to adjust herself to changed conditions. 
After a certain time her husband’s friends who have 
received her wedding cards have called, and she has 
returned their visits; and it may be that she has been 
the recipient of hospitalities from a few people, yet 
has never returned their civilities, and there follows 
a long period of social inactivity when she begins to 
realize that an effort on her own part is needed. It is 
certain that no young married woman can afford to 
believe that she can have all the attentions of society 
without doing anything in return. 

A newcomer in a town frequently engages in some 
kind of charitable work, which throws her among con¬ 
genial associates. This does not necessarily mean 
insincere effort. There is no reason why the labor 
may not be one of love and at the same time bring one 
in touch with pleasant people in work on committees. 

It requires much tact, cleverness and energy for a 
new resident in a city, or even in a country town or 
neighborhood, to keep up a position, especially if she 

347 


348 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

has not large means at her command, yet much success 
may be attained in a quiet way and much pleasure given 
by simple entertainments. 

The new resident cannot, of course, make advances 
to those who have neither called nor invited her to 
their houses, even if they are neighbors. A new resi¬ 
dent in a town or village must not appear in haste to 
make acquaintances and must not make advances to old 
inhabitants. In regard to inviting to a card party 
those who have called but not entertained the new¬ 
comer, much depends on whether they are really 
friends or merely acquaintances, and whether or not 
they are in the habit of entertaining. If they enter¬ 
tain others, it would, of course, be proper to wait for 
them to make advances, but if they live quietly, and 
never entertain, there might be no objection to inviting 
them first, provided the newcomer knows them well. 

It would seem polite for the people whom a new¬ 
comer may meet at the houses of acquaintances to say 
they will give themselves the pleasure of calling, that 
is, if they know that she is a stranger. One may be 
cordial in meeting the advances of others, yet never 
persistent, and one can have a manner which is far 
from indifferent yet entirely dignified. 

In regard to entertaining it is a mistake for a novice 
to attempt to give something very original. It is 
better taste to keep to the usual conventional forms 
until one becomes an experienced hostess. 

Cards for an afternoon tea may be sent to one’s 
general acquaintances, and there are various inexpen¬ 
sive ways of entertaining those from whom one has 
received special hospitalities. Evening card parties; 
luncheons for one’s women friends; small dinners of 


FOR THOSE IN SMALL TOWNS 349 

six or eight congenial people are not difficult. In all 
cases husoands must be asked with their wives, unless 
the party is exclusively for women. 

In the country, or in a country town where one has 
ample grounds, nothing is pleasanter on a summer 
afternoon than a garden party, to which general ac¬ 
quaintances may be bidden. 

It is not customary to call on or send cards to people 
living in the neighborhood when one moves into a new 
street. In small towns the residents sometimes call on 
a newcomer, but in large cities this is, of course, an 
unknown occurrence The only reason for calling on 
a new resident should be that one has been asked by a 
mutual friend to do so. If neighbors call, one should 
return their visits as early as possible, but this exchange 
of visits need not lead to any but a formal acquaintance 
unless desired. 

When moving to a new place where one has friends 
cards may be sent, with address, to the friends who live 
in the town. 

A woman may ask the clergyman with whose church 
she has been connected in a former place of residence 
to give her a letter to the clergyman to whose church 
she expects to go in the town where she is a new resi¬ 
dent. If she does not wish to ask for a letter of trans¬ 
fer, the best way would be to wait until after a church 
service and speak to the clergyman in the vestry room, 
introducing herself and explaining that she is a new 
resident in the town and wishes to interest herself in 
church charities. Or she might go to see the clergy¬ 
man at some time when she knows that he can receive 
visitors. The clergy usually have regular hours when 
they may be found. 









'350 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

Etiquette requires that the parishioners call on a 
new clergyman or his family. If he is a married man, 
the ladies of the parish call on his wife. If he is un¬ 
married the ladies do not call, but the men of the con¬ 
gregation call. It is usual to give a reception so that 
the new rector and his wife may meet the parishioners. 
The reception is given by the wardens and vestry or 
by other prominent members of the parish. Hospitali¬ 
ties are offered to the newcomers, invitations to din¬ 
ner, etc., are given, and an effort is made to make them 
feel welcome in the parish. 

It is well to follow the customs of the place where 
one lives rather than try to establish rules which may 
not be understood. This is advisable, especially for a 
new resident in a town. Certain rules, however, which 
are well established in regard to the conventions of 
calling are recognized everywhere, and to neglect them 
is discourteous. These are explained in other chap¬ 
ters. Visiting in a large city and visiting in a small 
town are very different affairs. In a large city visiting 
is often accomplished in a perfunctory way. In small 
places it is a pleasant recreation. 

If a household is a modest one and a member of 
the family should open the door a visitor may say, 

“Please say to Mrs. B-that I am here.” And may 

then lay her card on the hall table when entering. If 

Mrs. B-is out, one may say, “Will you please tell 

Mrs. B-that I was sorry not to find her at home?” 

In small towns or country neighborhoods evening 
visiting among intimate friends is allowable. Friends 
are likely to know of each other’s engagements in small 
places. One can be particular not to be guilty of any 
intrusion. 





CHAPTER XLIII 

FOR THOSE WHO ARE SHY 


JUDGING from the prevailing boldness and self¬ 
assertiveness nowadays it would seem that shyness no 
longer exists, but there are persons afflicted with shy¬ 
ness to a degree that prevents them from appearing 
at their best. This barrier to success or popularity is 
nothing more than morbid self-consciousness, over¬ 
sensitiveness, anxiety as to what others are thinking. 
One of the best writers of essays of the present day 
thinks seriously enough of shyness to give some useful 
hints for its cure. He suggests that disconcerting shy¬ 
ness disappears if we begin to realize that other people 
may be as much preoccupied with their thoughts as we 
are with our own. This brings a wholesome loss of 
conceit and vanity. A sense of humor will help us to 
see the ludicrous in our own behavior and to drive 
away shyness with a smile. “We realize that if we 
wish to produce an agreeable impression we do so far 
more by being interested and sympathetic than by 
attempting a brilliance which we cannot command,” 
and he continues that “instead of reflecting after a 
social occasion whether we did ourselves justice, we 
begin to consider the impression we have formed of 
other personalities.” 

A youthful bride leaving a small country place to 

351 


352 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

live in a large town is sometimes overcome with timidity 
at the thought of meeting strangers. She has a dread 
that she may say or do the wrong thing. 

“Imagine,” she exclaims to a friend, “a girl who is 
shy and reserved, unused to society except such as there 
is in a country place, being thrown among strangers, 
and you may understand how I feel. How shall I ever 
learn to feel at ease?” 

“By thinking less of yourself and more of others,” 
replies the frank friend. 

A young girl brought up in a country town need 
have no misgivings in going among strangers and taking 
her place in the ranks of married women, if she pos¬ 
sesses instinctive womanly grace, courtesy and kindness. 
Shy and reserved she may be, but these qualities are 
not necessarily unbecoming. Her manners may be 
considerate, with an anxiety to please, a willingness to 
listen attentively, to take an interest in others, to be 
responsive and not to let thoughts go wool-gathering. 

Often a young hostess is alarmed at being obliged 
to introduce people. At least, she can remember that 
men are introduced to women, never the reverse. But 
names fly out of her head. A story is told of a young 
man who asked his hostess, “Will you introduce me to 
the young girl in blue standing near the piano?” 

“Yes,” replied the flurried and forgetful hostess, “if 
you will tell me your name and hers.” 

To remember names and faces is one of the neces¬ 
sary lessons of life to be learned. 

Diffidence is a distrust in one’s self, fear of being 
criticized. Some young men suffer from it so painfully 
that it makes them awkward and clumsy in manner and 


FOR THOSE WHO ARE SHY 353 

speech. They stumble over a chair, do not know what 
to do with their hands, their only refuge being to put 
them in their pockets—a hopelessly awkward fault 
which every young man should try to correct. They 
fear that young girls are secretly poking fun at them. 
Ill-mannered aie the women who laugh at a man’s 
bashfulness. The well-bred woman appears not to 
notice his confusion, feigns not to look at him, tells 
some amusing anecdote or some funny experience or 
accident, and presently draws him out to talk naturally. 

Childi en should be taught early in life how to enter 
a room, how to speak to visitors politely, how to bow 
gracefully, to look people in the face when they speak, 
not vith a staie, but with an intelligent expression. 

Dancing lessons are of use to children and young 
people. They may learn how to stand, move, bow, and 
what to do with their hands and feet. 

Parents should encourage their young sons to go in 
society and try to overcome awkward bashfulness. 

No doubt temperament has much to do with shyness. 
Two brothers may have totally different manners. One 
has a manner which is like a gift of genius. He knows 
how to be graceful, charmingly polite, deferential to 
older persons. His gay, wholesome, genial way of 
pleasing will carry him lightly and successfully through 
the world. He will make friends easily. His brother, 
on the contrary, may be consumed with bashfulness 
and awkwardness; his thoughts play tricks and desert 
him at the needed moment, and he fails to make a good 
impression until one knows him well and discovers 
his heart of gold. 

Shyness is not altogether something to be ashamed 


354 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

of. Far better is a modest reserve and even a positive 
timidity than a pushing forwardness, aggressiveness, 
pertness, conceit and self-sufficiency. The self-admir¬ 
ing person, with assurance and assumption, is less 
desirable in society than one who is bashful. 

It is not much consolation to know that distinguished 
persons have been afflicted with shyness, because certain 
peculiarities are tolerated in a genius which are not 
pardonable in every-day mortals. 

Hawthorne was so shy that he ran out of the house 
when he saw visitors approaching, and left his wife to 
receive them. Mrs. Hawthorne was a shy woman by 
nature, but she overcame her timidity for the sake of 
her husband. Tact and patience were among her 
strong points. 

Madame Recamier, whose charm and beauty made 
her famous, was very shy and neither clever nor witty. 
She had little to say but had a sincere, winning manner, 
a talent for making friends, and she was never flurried 
or excited. She retained her charm and her friends 
through life, in old age and infirmity. 

Emerson writes that “the countryman at a city 
dinner believes that there is a ritual according to 
which every act and compliment must be performed 
or the failing party must be cast out.” He tells us 
that “good sense and character make their own forms 
every moment,” and warns us that coolness and absence 
of heat and haste indicate fine qualities, “and that 
society dislikes egotistical, solitary or gloomy people.” 

Society demands what it terms good-nature—“will¬ 
ingness and faculty to oblige.” The favorites have 
more spirit than wit and no “uncomfortable egotism.” 


GOOD MANNERS FOR BOYS AND GIRLS 





















CHAPTER I 

EARLY TRAINING IN MANNERS 

Everywhere there is an increasing interest in the 
subject of manners as a part of education. The 
woi Id seems to have awakened to the fact that the 
teaching of manners has become rather ineffective con¬ 
cerning many of our boys and girls. 

The president of one of our great universities 
includes manners as one of the tests whether a real 
education is being received. He writes : “The amount 
of respect, deference and courtesy shown to others 
enables one to judge whether a person is so well- 
trained, well-educated in thought and action that the 
pi oper relation to others is understood and is revealed 
in manners.” 

The practice of good manners not only leads to 
success in a worldly way and to progress in social 
standing but it is the simplest and most valuable kind 
of spiritual and moral discipline; the practice educates 
the heart and builds character. Unless parents feel 
that etiquette is not a mere list of rules and forms to 
be observed, but that it has the deeper significance of 
moral education they cannot realize its value. 

Everyone must learn to speak correctly and cour¬ 
teously, to eat daintily, and to understand the details 
of every-day conduct before it is possible to be a part 

357 


358 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

of civilized society. Beyond this is the training in the 
qualities which are the fundamentals of good behavior 
and which may be defined as including the virtues of 
reverence, obedience, unselfishness, truthfulness, mod¬ 
esty, self-respect, justice to others, and perfect con¬ 
sideration for the rights and feelings of others. 

It is taken for granted that every parent wishes to 
develop these qualities in each child. 

Haphazard government, precepts and maxims will 
not accomplish anything. The development of good 
habits and the establishment of right standards of con¬ 
duct will depend on the examples set by the parents and 
the influence of the home. 

A child learns gradually the chief duties of his little 
life. Good habits are formed by degrees in the very 
earliest years, but it must be remembered that “bundles 
of habits” do not make character. Abstract ideas at 
first mean nothing to a child, but, unconsciously, he is 
assimilating the meaning of manners and morals. 

The attitude of obedience to authority is the recog¬ 
nition in the child’s mind that there is something above 
and beyond him, and, in this way, reverence is culti¬ 
vated, which is the foundation of other qualities. He 
learns reverence for God and for parents. Slowly 
his moral training becomes more direct. He learns 
self-respect, which is the duty of right conduct; he 
learns kindness to brothers and sisters; regard for the 
feelings of servants; kindness to animals. If he keeps 
within his heart the Christian principle of loving kind¬ 
ness he cannot go far wrong. 

The first three years of childhood are important in. 
forming habits. Children are taught right actions 


EARLY TRAINING IN MANNERS 359 

before they know their value. Their instincts tell 
them to scream for what they want. They must begin 
to learn self-control and take life bravely and serenely, 
instead of selfishly and with irritability. Their growth 
in self-control will depend on the mother’s self-control. 
If she humors and spoils them for the sake of peace, 
or from sheer laziness, she need not be surprised if 
they develop obstinacy, and, later on, show disrespect 
and disregard for other people’s feelings. They dis¬ 
cover their power and are quick to take advantage 
of it, and will impose on those who do not know how 
to rule. But they are wise little persons and like 
justice and fair dealing. They respect those who exact 
obedience from them’ in a kind, patient, firm way. The 
influence of the mother depends on what she is, not 
what she adjures her children to be. She cannot leave 
the training to others. Even if there is an excellent 
nursery governess in the household the mother must 
supervise. As to the ordinary nurses, to whom chil¬ 
dren are too often consigned, they are not always good- 
tempered and gentle. Rough ways and methods of 
ruling by fear are very harmful to a child. The faith¬ 
ful, old-fashioned nurses, who lived for years in fam¬ 
ilies and brought up the children with loving care and 
personal interest, have disappeared. There are excep¬ 
tions, but, in general, these trustworthy and beloved 
persons do not exist nowadays. Here is another reason 
why mothers must superintend. 

Good habits are fixed by routine and should be 
insisted upon on every occasion, whether it is saying 
prayers every night or putting away toys. A child 
likes regularity and if he has done a thing in the right 


360 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

way often enough he prefers to do it in the same way, 
and it is surprising to find that whatever he has been 
trained to do he likes to insist that the younger children 
shall do. In childhood he must learn neatness, orderli¬ 
ness, generous habits in sharing his toys with others; 
polite habits in speaking; considerate habits in not 
being too noisy if he is disturbing his mother. If he 
is not taught good habits and manners before he is 
seven or eight years old the loss is irretrievable. 

Obedience should be required not as an arbitrary 
law from a stronger person but only with a view to 
the welfare of the child. Discipline aims at personal 
assistance. The intention is to direct, not to “manage,” 
to lead, never to force. Clear, decisive words and a 
happy, expectant manner will win where commands 
will not. 

In the training of children the personality of each 
child has to be recognized. The guidance for one may 
not be best for another. Temperaments, faults, or 
peculiarities are inherited and have to be reckoned 
with. Some children have a very quick understanding 
of right and wrong. Others are confused. A child 
is apt to care more about getting things, or having 
his own way than about doing right and being good. 
The selfish or greedy child, who objects to sharing his 
playthings or sweets; the destructive child, who breaks 
the toys of others; these need to be encouraged to be 
generous and kind and to say they are sorry if they 
have been naughty. The phlegmatic, dull child needs 
suggestion; the sulky, obstinate one needs very gentle 
guidance. There is little trouble in guiding the im¬ 
pulsive, affectionate child, who is enthusiastic and full 


EARLY TRAINING IN MANNERS 361 

of imagination. By patient, painstaking efforts parents 
can help a child in his own strivings for the develop¬ 
ment of fine qualities, and with every effort the child 
makes to understand what is right and to do it valiantly 
the moral nature is strengthened. 

Rewards for good conduct are useful, but rewards 
are dangerous if they are bribes, and should never be 
of money. Something without monetary value may 
be given; little medals, or badges. Rewards are some¬ 
times necessary to overcome neglect of punctuality, or 
forgetfulness in putting away books or toys, or careless¬ 
ness of some sort; but the habit of expecting rewards 
misleads children. When they are old enough reason 
should be appealed to. Punishment may be some 
restraint, or a task to be done, or the deprivation of a 
pleasure, but, instead of punishment an explanation 
may be helpful with older children. 

Children are expected to play and shout and romp 
and get themselves mixed up with Mother Earth. 
They are not to be suppressed, but there is a time 
when noise is to stop, faces and hands must be washed 
and neatness must reign. Children must learn not 
to be pushing or rude; not to interrupt when older 
persons are talking; not to think themselves of the 
first importance. Spoiled and indulged children are 
not attractive, but everyone likes the nice boy or girl, 
who waits to be spoken to, comes forward with a 
pleasant, deferential manner, looks straight in one’s 
face, listens to what is said and answers with frank¬ 
ness and attention. 

The years between six and twelve are known to be 
the years of impressibility when good manners and 


362 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

social usages may be made almost automatic. Man¬ 
ners and good habits will become natural and spon¬ 
taneous. The moral sense, the reason for doing the 
right thing, is being developed, and a child begins to 
understand the obligation toward right-doing, and the 
importance of cultivating the kindness of heart which 
prompts him to do the considerate and unselfish act be¬ 
cause it would be an unhappiness to do a disagreeable 
thing. 

The simple old rhyme may be a guide to children: 

“Politeness is to do and say 
The kindest thing in the kindest way.” 


CHAPTER II 


MANNERS AT THE TABLE 

Little children are taught first in the nursery how 
to behave at the table, if there is a competent nurse 
to teach them. Then they may come to the mid-day 
meal in the dining-room when they have learned the 
rudiments of good conduct. In families where nursery 
training is possible children have breakfast and supper 
in the nursery, or play-room, and their dinner at the 
luncheon hour with the rest of the family. Supper for 
children is at an early hour, five or half past five 
o’clock. Their bed-time should not be later than half 
past six o’clock. Older children, from six to ten years 
of age, may be allowed to stay up until half past seven. 
As they grow older the hour for supper and the bed¬ 
time hour may be later. 

The service for the children’s table in the nursery 
or play-room should be well-appointed, with neat linen 
and pretty china. Children should have simple meals. 
For breakfast they have cereals, eggs boiled, scrambled 
or poached, bread and butter, milk, cocoa, or choco¬ 
late, and they should never have tea or coffee. For 
their dinner they have a little meat, vegetables in 
variety, rice pudding or custard, or fruit for dessert. 
Their supper resembles the simple breakfast, with, 
perhaps, the addition of preserves. 

363 


364 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

In some households the Instruction of children in 
manners at the table devolves principally on the mother 
and she cannot be too careful to teach them the ele¬ 
mentary details. Children are very quick to observe, 
quick to imitate. With patience and kindness they may 
be trained in habits of neatness, how to eat in a dainty 
way, and how to do nothing that may be disagreeable 
to others. Hands must be washed and hair brushed 
before coming to the table. Habits of quiet manners 
are required. There must be no greedy clamoring for 
food. A little child may have a bib or a napkin fas¬ 
tened around the neck. An excellent rule, and one 
which helps children to be quiet and to have plenty of 
time to eat, is to have the waitress or nurse cut up the 
meat for their dinner in the pantry. The meat and 
vegetables should be on warm plates. The plates are 
then brought in for the children. This is done before 
the parents or others are served. 

A very young child beginning to feed himself is 
obliged to eat principally with a spoon, but should 
not hold the spoon overhand, like a shovel. A small 
piece of silver called a “pusher” is held in the left hand 
to “push” food toward the spoon. A little child has 
to be allowed to point the spoon when putting food 
in the mouth, but must not put the spoon entirely in the 
mouth and not turn it over when there! A small 
quantity of food is taken at a time. Small mouthfuls, 
slow eating and the absolute rules of not opening the 
mouth too wide when taking food, and keeping the 
mouth closed when eating, and never talking when food 
is in the mouth, must be insisted upon. Slovenly ways at 
the table, spilling food, making a sound when eating 


MANNERS AT THE TABLE 365 

or drinking, or eating with the mouth half open are 
habits to be firmly corrected. Nothing is more repul¬ 
sive than to see a mouth held open when eating, or 
a tongue put out in the slightest degree to receive 
food. These shocking habits cannot be too seriously 
repressed. 

Soup is taken from the side of the spoon. The 
spoon is only three-quarters full to prevent the liquid 
from spilling. The spoon is dipped away from the 
person. Soup is eaten without the least sound or sip¬ 
ping, and a child is taught never to blow on soup, or any 
other food. 

Tricks to be forbidden are wriggling in a chair, 
drumming on the table, crumbling bread, warming 
hands on a plate, playing with the silver, making 
marks with silver on the table-cloth. When not eating 
the hands are kept down in the lap. 

When a child frets or cries and insists on disturbing 
others, the only way is to lead it from the room, thus 
showing that the privilege of coming to the table is 
gained by good behavior. 

As children grow older they are expected to learn 
how to use the napkin, knife, fork, spoon and finger- 
bowl. The napkin is not to be tucked under the chin 
but is laid across the knees, not spread out, but partly 
unfolded. At home, when finishing a meal, a napkin 
may be folded and placed beside the plate, unless it is 
the custom to have fresh napkins at each meal. Nap¬ 
kin rings are not used, nowadays, but may be provided 
for children, and the napkin is rolled to fit the ring. 

Odd tricks of holding the fork or knife must be 
avoided. A child finds it hard at first to hold the 


366 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

fork properly, but must not be allowed to clutch it 
in the fist, or to point it toward the mouth. The fork 
is lifted laterally to the mouth, and is held in the right 
hand, prongs up, the fork resting between the thumb 
and the first finger, when eating vegetables, scrambled 
eggs or any soft food. A small piece of bread is held 
in the left hand to press a miorsel of food toward the 
fork. When a child is learning to use a knife and 
fork together he should begin with something very 
easy to cut, a piece of chicken not attached to the 
bone. The knife is held in the right hand, the first 
finger pointing toward the blade, but never resting 
on the blade. The fork is then in the left hand, the 
prongs turned down, the first finger pointing toward 
the prongs, while the thumb supports the fork at the 
side. Never should anyone hold a fork clenched in 
the fist, and standing up perpendicularly. 

Care must be taken not to raise the elbows when 
cutting food. A small portion of meat is cut as 
required. It is not to be cut up baby-fashion. Food 
must not be piled on the fork. When the knife is not 
in use it is laid on the plate, the blade resting in the 
centre. The fork is then taken in the right hand. A 
fork is used to take baked potato from the skin. A 
knife is never used to touch a potato or to put butter 
on it. At luncheon, or the children’s supper, small 
bread and butter plates are at the left and a portion 
of butter may be taken on the end of the fork to 
put on the potato and then it is pressed down with 
the fork. 

When finishing eating the knife and fork are laid 
close together in the centre of the plate, the handles 


MANNERS AT THE TABLE 367 

toward the right of the plate. It is ill-bred to leave 
the knife and fork in scattered positions. 

Before drinking from a glass the mouth is wiped 
on the napkin to prevent making a smudge on the 
glass. Children like to take long, breathless drinks, 
and then gasp for breath, but should not do it, nor 
should they look at anyone over a glass when drinking, 
or hold the glass up and stare through it. 

Children should not be allowed to “pick” chicken 
bones or chop bones. The habit is untidy and a most 
unpleasant sight to other people, and, as it must be 
positively given up later, it is advisable to discourage it. 

Another bad habit to be checked is when a child 
takes ice cream or other dessert in a spoon and nibbles 
off a portion at a time. This is a vulgar trick. 

Children will do disagreeable things if permitted and 
there are few habits which stick so persistently in later 
life as bad habits at the table. Good habits will remain 
if carefully taught and they are among the trustworthy 
tests of early training at home. 

A most important rule is that a spoon should not 
be left in a cup for a moment. It may be used to give 
a slight stir to cocoa, or whatever is in the cup, and 
then it is laid on the saucer. 

When eating bread a small piece is*broken off and 
buttered at a time. It is not good manners to take 
bites out of a slice of bread, nor is it allowable ever 
to lay a slice on the palm of the hand and butter it. A 
very little child may not be able to break off a piece 
of bread and butter it, and may have half a slice 
buttered and bite it, but must not continue the habit 
when older. 


368 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

The chair should not be drawn too close to the table, 
so that a child is against the back of the chair, nor 
should the chair be too far away, as, in that case, food 
is dropped on the napkin or table. Careless atti¬ 
tudes are not to be permitted. The feet must be kept 
together, not hooked around the legs of the chair. 

Bad manners are finding fault with food, or talking 
of preferences, and saying, “I hate this,” or “I love 
that.” It is inexcusable to touch anything and not 
take it. If cake is passed the piece nearest is taken. 

Finger-bowls are brought with the dessert, or fruit 
plates, and a child is taught to dip the tips of his 
fingers in his finger-bowl, one hand at a time, without 
playing, then to touch his lips with the right hand 
and wipe fingers and mouth with the napkin. 

Punctuality at meals is a rule in well-regulated house¬ 
holds. A cheerful “Good morning” is said at break¬ 
fast. 

Children do not seat themselves before older per¬ 
sons are seated. A boy who is old enough draws out 
his mother’s chair for her, if his father is absent, or 
unless the waitress is there to do it. 

For ceremonious or long meals children do not 
come to the table. If several guests are present chil¬ 
dren have a side-table in the dining-room. 

Girls are served before boys. Brothers are expected 
to show this courtesy to their sisters. 

At the family table it may be necessary to pass 
things. If a plate is sent for a second helping the knife 
and fork are placed close together on the plate. If 
passing someone else’s plate, one stops eating, puts 


MANNERS AT THE TABLE 369 

down fork or glass, or whatever is in the hand, and 
gives attention to what is to be done. 

If obliged to leave the table before others have 
finished one should say, “May I be excused?” 

Chairs are not pushed up when leaving the table. 
If they seem in anyone’s way they may be moved 
slightly, but never pushed under the table. 

It is a mistake to direct too much attention to chil¬ 
dren at the table, commenting on and admiring every¬ 
thing they say. They are made self-conscious and 
forward if allowed to consider themselves the chief 
objects of interest. 

Gratitude to God for the gifts granted to us may 
be inspired early in life by the beautiful custom of 
saying grace at meals. It is not wise to lay too much 
stress on outward manners and forget the inward and 
spiritual manners. Parents are careful to tell a child 
to say, “Thank you,” to a friend for a gift, and it is 
well to teach a child to offer thankfulness where it is 
due primarily. 


CHAPTER III 


SOME ESSENTIALS IN CONDUCT 

Courteous manners require that boys and girls 
should allow older persons to precede them when 
entering a room or house or when going up or down 
stairs. Boys allow their sisters to precede them. If 
an older person is about to come down or go up a 
stairway a young person waits at the foot or head of 
the stairs and does not push by. 

A boy or girl should rise and offer a chair when the 
mother enters a room, or find a chair for her and place 
it in a good position, and do the same for any older 
person. 

A boy with good manners does not stand with his 
hands in his pockets. He always removes his hat or 
cap when entering a house, his own home, or elsewhere. 

If a child is thoughtful he will offer to go to another 
room to get a needed article, and will say, “May I go 
and get your gloves, Mother?” or “Let me look for 
your book, Aunt Mary.” 

Some essential rules of conduct are not to touch 
people familiarly when talking to them; not to hide 
the mouth with the hand when speaking, or laughing; 
not to whisper; not to laugh at one’s own jokes or 
stories; not to pick up paper knives, or other articles 
from a table and play with them while talking; not to 

yawn without making an effort to suppress it; not to 

370 


SOME ESSENTIALS IN CONDUCT 371 

point at anyone or anything; not to whistle or hum in 
the presence of older persons, whether in houses, ele¬ 
vators, trains, or shops; not to bite the nails, and 
never to examine the nails or attend to them anywhere 
but in the privacy of a bedroom or dressing-room; 
never to indulge anywhere in the ill-bred habit ol using 
chewing-gum. 

A rule of politeness is not to call to anyone from 
one room to another, or shout a message upstairs. 
One must go to the place where the person is and 
speak quietly. Another rule is to knock on anyone’s 
bedroom door before entering. Brothers and sisters 
should respect each others’ rights and possessions and 
never borrow anything without asking. If permission 
is granted the article must be returned promptly and 
in good condition. 

Other courtesies are not to read other people’s post¬ 
cards or make comments about their letters. Critical 
personal remarks should be avoided by brothers and 
sisters, especially in the presence of guests. A serious 
breach of etiquette is to discuss family affairs with 
companions or to make disparaging remarks about 
members of one’s family. Loyalty to one’s family 
is a point of honor. 

A habit which brothers and sisters have is to inter¬ 
rupt in the midst of some story, or incident, which one 
may be relating. If a mistake, or an unjust statement 
has been made it is better to wait until the story is 
finished and then say, without excitement, “I think 
you are mistaken,” or “I think it was this way,” and 

then give the other version. 

It is always delightful to hear the merry voices of 


372 EVERYBODY'S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

boys and girls in a household, but unpleasant to hear 
loud voices or angry tones. A sense of humor is a 
safeguard and prevents people from taking things 
too seriously. 

An enemy to peace at home is an unforgiving temper, 
or an unwillingness to acknowledge a fault. It is 
brave to say, “I am. sorry,” or, “I did not mean to 
be rude.” 

Self-control is an important element for success and 
happiness in life and this is what the children are learn¬ 
ing at home from the time of nursery days. It is better 
not to get too excited and to remember to close a door 
gently. 

“I never knew anyone who went about banging doors 
and playing whirlwind at home to have any influence 
whatever,” said a sensible person. 

A boy who aims to have the manners of a gentle¬ 
man must have the high standards of conduct which 
belong to one who deserves that title. He is honor¬ 
able; speaks the truth from his heart; never borrows 
money from anyone; never boasts of the prosperity, 
riches, or possessions of his family; never puts on airs 
with those whom he may think inferior. If he should 
persist in this offence and boast of what he has, or 
what he can do, other boys v/ill be sure to “take it out 
of him” at some time very thoroughly. 

A boy who is a gentleman is a true knight, courteous 
to everyone, young or old, rich or poor, distinguished 
or unknown in the world. He is the defender of the 
weak, or helpless, gentle to children, kind and pro¬ 
tecting to animals and birds. 


CHAPTER IV 


HABITS OF SPEECH 

Voice culture means to many people merely the 
cultivation of the voice for singing. We are told that 
Mary has a good voice and is to take lessons in singing, 
but we do not hear that Susie and Philip, who have 
bad voices in speaking, are studying voice training to 
overcome the fault. 

The American voice is not pleasant. The tones are 
nasal, harsh, sharp, pitched in a high key. The enunci¬ 
ation of words is often muffled and indistinct. In 
various localities the pronunciation has a twang, or 
burr, or slur. 

The cause of the high-pitched, nasal voice is that 
people speak from the throat and head instead of 
cultivating the chest notes. The speaking voice should 
be as pleasing as the singing voice. A fine singer never 
sings through the nose. 

When we travel abroad we admire always the well- 
modulated voices of English people, and their deliber¬ 
ate, careful enunciation. The people of France have 
clearness of inflection in speech, distinct enunciation 
and exact pronunciation. 

The English language is beautiful and noble and 
it is an evidence of good-breeding and education to 

speak it in a careful, correct way. 

In the golden age of English literature the King 

373 


374 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

James version of the Bible was prepared and it is a 
guide for simplicity and directness of language. The 
study of it will help more than anything else in the 
selection of words. Dignified language is in it. There 
will never be found a pompous, or an affected word. 

The association with cultivated people is naturally 
a help toward the choice of words and proper pronun¬ 
ciation. A pronouncing dictionary, carefully studied, 
is of use. Reading aloud from any book and pro¬ 
nouncing each word correctly will be a help. 

Enunciation means the clear and distinct way of 
speaking. Pronunciation is the correct sounding of 
vowels and consonants and the proper accent of syl¬ 
lables. 

Habits of using and pronouncing words properly 
should be formed in childhood and youth, otherwise 
there is danger of returning inadvertently to incorrect 
speech. Educated people are keenly critical of gram¬ 
matical mistakes and faults of pronunciation. 

An educated person would not say, “Was you?” for 
“Were you?”; “He says,” for “He said”; “I come,” 
for “I came”; “I done it,” for “I did it”; “He don’t,” 
for “He does not.” 

Serious mistakes are to say, “Those sort of things,” 
instead of “Things of that sort”; “I don’t know as I 
shall go,” instead of “I don’t know whether I shall 
go.” Other mistakes are to say, “A great ways”; 
“Somewheres”; “There’s plenty of places,” instead of 
“A long way,” or, “A great distance”; or “Some- 
where”; or “There are plenty of places.” 

It is illiterate to add letters and say, “heighth,” for 
“height”; “acrost,” for “across.” 


HABITS OF SPEECH 


375 

Provincial expressions are “guess,” or “reckon,” 
meaning “think”; “folks,” for “family”; “youngster,” 
for “boy”; “wealthy,” for “rich”; “homely,” for 
“plain”; “elegant,” for “beautiful.” Other expressions 
which are not used in good society are “lady friend,” 
and “gentleman friend.” 

The phrase, “Table manners,” is not good form. 
One should say, “Manners at the table,” or, “Behavior 
at the table.” An incorrect expression is “When you 
are through,” meaning “When you have finished.” 

It is not correct English to say, “Will you come 
around?” or, “Mabel is going along with us to the 
theatre.” The grammatical phrases are, “Will you 
come?” and, “Mabel is going with us to the theatre.” 

A mark of bad manners is to say in conversation, 
“Listen”; “You don’t say”; “Is that so?” “Sure.” 

Care should be taken to pronounce “address” with 
the accent on the last syllable, not 'Wdress,” and 
to pronounce “catch” to rhyme with “match,” not 
“ketch.” The words Tuesday, new, duty, stupid, ave¬ 
nue, are pronounced with the broad, clear u } not “Toos- 
day,” “noo,” “stoopid,” “avenoo.” Educated persons 
pronounce the wh in whisper, white, which. It is 
careless to omit the final g in “going,” “coming,” “sing¬ 
ing,” “evening,” and to cut words and say “sudd’n,” 
“cert’n,” “patt’n,” for “sudden,” “certain,” “pattern.” 
“Hospitable” should have the accent on the first syl¬ 
lable. The name, Roosevelt, is pronounced Rosevelt, 
not “Roo” 

A little thought will prevent the mistake of saying 
“Between you and I,” or “Mary is coming to see my 
sister and I.” The accurate expressions are, “Between 


376 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

you and me,” and “Mary is coming to see my sister and 
me.” The words “get” and “got” are often used 
superfluously. It is incorrect to say, “I shall go when 
I get time,” or “Have you got time to go there?” 
One should say, “I shall go when I have time,” or, 
“Have you time to go there?” 

Poverty of language is shown by some persons who 
apply favorite words to everything. They use indis¬ 
criminately the words, magnificent, splendid, charming, 
or horrid, awful, terrible. A slang phrase may seem 
crisp and forceful but it is not wit. It is a cheap sort 
of language and may be compared to a counterfeit 
coin. Certain colloquial expressions find their way into 
every-day talk, and it might seem stilted to leave them 
out. Typical words are “taxi,” “movies,” “fake.” 

It is incorrect to say “preventative” for “prevent¬ 
ive,” and a mistaken choice of words to say, “donate,” 
for “give”; “transmit” for “send”; “transpire” for 
“happen”; “loan” for “lend.” 

There is a bad style which is affected. A few 
examples may explain that one does not “retire,” but 
goes to bed; one lives in a place, does not “reside”; 
one helps at a fair, does not “assist”; one goes to 
church, or to the opera, does not “attend.” 

It would be an affectation to exclude from familiar 
talk the usual expressions, “Don’t you?”, “Isn’t it?”, 
“I’ll.” 

Foreign words or phrases should never be used 
unless a person is sure of the pronunciation and mean¬ 
ing. It is not polite to give a quotation or to use a 
foreign phrase and then translate it, as though others 
could not understand. It is foolish to force a French 


HABITS OF SPEECH 


377 

phrase in a conversation, as though wishing to “show 
off.” It may be a very hackneyed phrase, badly pro¬ 
nounced, and that makes the use of it ridiculous. 

Only by an incessant use of words can a command 
of them be acquired. Children must learn at home, 
or not at all, whatever fluency and accuracy of speech 
they are to attain. They are not expected to talk 
much in school. Where there is constant sympathy 
and companionship between parents and children free 
expression of speech is gained. Plenty of talk and 
laughter about inconsequent little things, pleasant 
chatter and discussion of many subjects will be an 
immense help in the use of correct language. 


> 


CHAPTER V 

AMUSEMENTS AND COMPANIONS 

Play is an important part of childhood. It gives 
joy and contentment. A child’s world is one of imagi¬ 
nation and very real to him. His blocks, balls, water- 
colors, sand and garden tools are serious things to 
him. Children should be taught to play with the same 
care that is given to study or work later in life. They 
learn many things in their play which are a valuable 
and permanent part of character. In the great variety 
of their play they gain a fund of knowledge. They 
build houses, make gardens, teach school, keep house, 
play soldiers. Some prefer quiet plays, others noisy 
plays, some like to play indoors, others in the open air. 

The old nursery rhyme tells us: 

“Work while you work, 

Play while you play I 
That is the way 

To be cheerful and gay.” 

Much may be learned of a child’s disposition in his 
play. When with other children does he lead or 
follow, is he fair or unjust, generous or grasping, ami¬ 
able and forgiving, or quarrelsome and vindictive? 
Few children play together for any length of time 
without quarreling. By discreet observation and sym- 

373 


AMUSEMENTS AND COMPANIONS 379 

pathetic counsel parents may see that concessions are 
made on the part of the aggressor. Simple lessons in 
self-government and in duties to others may be taught. 
A child is often a despot and thinks he must rule others, 
instead of himself. Above all things he must learn 
what is always called “fair play.” 

An only child who is indulged, petted and spoiled 
is far below the average in manners. He should have 
the companionship of children of his own age and 
learn to share with and yield to them. Unless he 
learns to understand others his social life will be char¬ 
acterized by friction. 

Sports and athletics are useful in supplying an outlet 
for energy, and besides giving bodily strength they 
develop the mental and moral qualities of self-control, 
judgment, prudence, obedience to leadership. 

Loyalty and honor toward a group are fostered 
by competitive games. The spirit which makes a boy 
put his best in a game and call it a good game, whether 
he is the winner or not, and when he has the courage 
to rise again after defeat, is the true spirit in sport, and 
is of inestimable value. 

Amusements are best which are not luxurious or 
extravagant and may make children precocious. 
Amusements are useful if simple and innocent, but 
perpetual and undisciplined amusements are a danger. 

Pleasure in simple amusements may be easily culti¬ 
vated. It is a blessing to keep the eager, unspoiled 
sweetness of heart which finds enjoyment in simple 
things. The rage for amusements which are sensa¬ 
tional, startling and novel afflicts the young people as 
well as the older ones to-day. It is useless to condemn 


380 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

youth merely because it is youth. The older generation 
needs to be lenient and try to find out precisely where 
the fault is and to raise the standards of general living. 
Good taste is always a part of beautiful living. Par¬ 
ents have to be careful to be in favor of wholesome 
plays, decent motion pictures, decorous dancing. As a 
pleasure and an exercise dancing is a natural art for 
children. With wholesome surroundings and com¬ 
panionship they may learn to dance when very young 
as part of education and then there will be less danger 
for them later. 

It is all very well to say that the choice of com¬ 
panions should not be left to chance. Someone has 
said that, in other days, “the children of our friends 
were the friends of our children.” This is not possible 
at present. It is fortunate if the companions of the 
children are from families known to the parents and 
brought up in homes where good principles are stand¬ 
ards. 

Children are thrown in their school-days among 
others whose traditions, manners and habits are dif¬ 
ferent from their own. The only way to prevent 
injurious influences is for parents to maintain their 
own standards, but not to be too critical of others, and 
above all, to keep the confidence of the young people. 
When the father and mother are truly interested in 
everything the children do, and in each new friend they 
may wish to have, the happiest relations are sure to 
exist. Parents must give their own companionship 
freely to their children and let them! feel they can 
come to them for counsel and sympathy, otherwise 
there will be little influence that will help and there 


AMUSEMENTS AND COMPANIONS 381 

may be danger. “Who would be a comrade to his 
children must first be just with them,” said a sensible 
father. “He must treat them as individuals, seeing 
things from their standpoint and respecting their 
rights. They have the right to be understood.” 

Companions are harmful who encourage having a 
“good time” while disregarding what is right. Friends 
who ridicule high standards are not true friends. 
Friendships which are made merely from worldly 
policy, material gain or selfish convenience are not 
real friendships, and no friendship is worth the name 
which does not help to good conduct. 


CHAPTER VI 


NOTES 

Children may be encouraged to try to express 
themselves in writing little notes and messages as soon 
as they can hold a pen or even a pencil. They enjoy 
having note paper with dainty pictures of fairies, or 
brownies, or the familiar Mother Goose characters. 
Picture post-cards may be another means of suggestion 
that grandparents, aunts or uncles take pleasure in 
receiving a word of affection, or remembrance, now 
and then. 

Older boys and girls cannot begin too soon to learn 
how to write notes and letters, and to say simply and 
directly what one would say if speaking. 

Plain, white, rather thick note paper is used. It is 
inexcusable to used ruled paper, or pink, or fanciful 
paper, or envelopes of eccentric shape. Sheets torn 
from a pad indicate a careless writer. A present fash¬ 
ion for a short note, is a single sheet, with the address 
engraved in small block letters at the top, but a double 
sheet, folded once to fit the envelope, is always correct. 
Black ink is used. Handwriting should be clear and 
legible. The vertical or angular handwriting is pre¬ 
ferred. A rather large hand has more individuality 
than the small, round script. Words are separated 
distinctly, not crowded at the margin of the paper and 

not divided from one line to another. To write straight 

383 


NOTES 


333 

on from page to page is in better taste than to skip 
and twist a note and confuse the reader. The exact 
use of capitals, commas and periods will help to train 
a child in accuracy. Grammar and spelling must be 
observed. If not sure of spelling it is safe to consult 
a dictionary. 

If the address is not engraved on the paper it is 
written at the head toward the right. The date is 
beneath the address, and is written, not merely jotted 
dow T n in numerals. The best way is, November 15th, 
1923, and not 11. 15. 23. Even in a business note this 
is avoided. Abbreviations are always bad form. 

A note is begun about two inches from the top of 
the paper and a margin is left at the foot of the page. 
A new subject requires a new paragraph and in begin¬ 
ning a paragraph a margin of about an inch is allowed. 

The beginning of a formal note is, “My dear Mrs. 
Brown,” or “Dear Mrs. Brown.” A letter to a friend, 
or sister, is, “Dear Florence,” or “Dearest Mildred.” 
It is not correct to say, “Dear Friend.” Terminations 
are of various sorts. “Yours sincerely,” is used between 
friends or comparative strangers. “Yours affection¬ 
ately,” “Always affectionately,” “Devotedly,” or “Lov¬ 
ingly yours,” are varying scales of friendship or inti¬ 
macy. “Cordially” has gone out of fashion absolutely. 

Girls have a careless habit of closing, “Hastily 
yours,” or “Yours in a tearing hurry.” It is not polite 
to scribble a note, or to close it abruptly. 

Signatures are in full and without a prefix. Pet 
names, Birdie, Fairy, Jack, or Bobbie, are not in good 
taste in signatures except when writing to one of the 
family or a very intimate friend. A postscript is 


384 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

old-fashioned. If necessary to add an afterthought it 
is without U P. S.” A bad habit is to use the sign, 
for “and,” or to place the word vertically between 
words. 

The address is written in full on an envelope and 
a stamp is placed squarely in the upper right hand cor¬ 
ner. Names of cities and States are not abbreviated. 
It is correct to write, Baltimore, Maryland; Cincinnati, 
Ohio; Chicago, Illinois; Denver, Colorado. 

An address is always with a prefix; Mrs. George 
Brown; Miss Rosamund Gray. A note to a little boy 
may be addressed, “Master,” but as boys begin to 
grow up, “Mr.” is substituted. 

On local notes the street address is sufficient, the 
name of the town and State being omitted, but this is 
not an arbitrary rule. 

A note of thanks for a gift should be written without 
delay. This helps to make a note spontaneous. For 
instance: 

Dear Aunt Eleanor: 

It was lovely of you to send me that book for 
my birthday. I thank you ever so much. It is 
just what I like, all about birds. 

I had a jolly birthday. 

Heaps of love from 

Dick. 

Or the close may be, “Your loving nephew.” 

Notes which are natural are always best. Stiff, 
formal sentences are avoided. Children use the ex¬ 
pressions, “Heaps of love,” “Stacks of love.” A boy, 


NOTES 


335 

who was no longer a boy, but a young man, often 
closed a letter to his mother, “With all the world and 
the stars and the sun full of love.” 

A note of thanks to a friend of the family may be: 

De ar Mrs. Brown: 

I thank you ever so much for the pretty bag. 

I am delighted with it. How kind it was of you 
to think of me and to bring something for me all 
the way from Paris. 

Yours affectionately, 

Mary North. 

A request for an autograph should be accompanied 
by a stamped, addressed envelope. A blank card may 
be enclosed for the autograph. Many distinguished 
men and women do not object to sending their auto¬ 
graphs to youthful collectors, but seldom have time 
to do more than sign a name on a card. It is cour¬ 
teous to write promptly in acknowledgment of the 
receipt of an autograph for which one has asked. 


CHAPTER VII 


INVITATIONS AND ANSWERS 

Children from seven to ten years old like to use 
for their invitations little note paper with printed 
forms (not engraved) and to fill in the forms them¬ 
selves. One form may be: 

Will you come to my party 
on 

from 

Please come. 

When filled in the note reads: 

Dear Ruth: 

Will you come to my party 
on Saturday, October sixth, 
from four to six o’clock? 

Please come. 

With love, 

Mary White. 

Another form to be filled in may be: 

I want you to come to my party 
on 

from 

I shall be so glad to see you. 

Please be sure to let me know. 

386 


INVITATIONS AND ANSWERS 387 

Each invitation must begin and end like a note, 
“Dear Susie,” or, “Dear Arthur,” and should be 
signed, “Yours affectionately,” or “With love,” or 
“Yours sincerely, Mary White.” The address may be 
written at the top of the page. Notes are addressed 
to “Miss Ruth Green,” or “Master Arthur Smith.” 
The answer may be: 

Dear Mary: 

I shall be so glad to go to your party on 
Saturday. 

Yours lovingly, 

Ruth Green. 

Sometimes the mother writes notes to the mothers: 
Dear Mrs. Robinson: 

Will you let Dorothy and Philip come to a 
birthday party I am to have for Helen on Mon¬ 
day, December third, from four to six o’clock? 

Sincerely yours, 

Louise Brown. 

Or, the words may be, “Will you bring Dorothy and 
Philip to a birthday party I am to have?” The 
mother sends a reply in the same informal manner. 

The mother, aunt, or person at whose house the 
party is to be given is the real hostess and it is she who 
decides how the invitations shall be issued, especially 
when a party is for older girls and boys. Informal 
notes may be written by a daughter of fifteen or six¬ 
teen : 


388 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 
Dear Rosamund: 

Mother wishes me to ask if you will dine with 
us on Thursday evening, December twenty- 
seventh, at seven o’clock, and go to the play? 

We hope you can come. 

Affectionately, 

Alice Warren. 

To a young man a note may be: 

Dear Mr. Gray (or Dear Jim) : 

Mother wishes me to say that she hopes you 
can dine with us on Thursday, December twenty- 
seventh, at seven o’clock and go afterwards to 
the theatre. 

Yours sincerely, 

Alice Warren. 

The note should be addressed to Mr. James Gray. 

An answer to an invitation should be sent promptly 
and the date and hour repeated to prevent a mistake. 
A reply may be: 

Dear Alice: 

I shall be very glad to dine with you on 
Thursday, December twenty-seventh, at seven 
o’clock, and go to the theatre. It is so kind of 
your mother to invite me. 

Yours affectionately, 

Rosamund West. 

A young man, or boy, may write in the same way, 
but must begin a note according to friendship or for- 


INVITATIONS AND ANSWERS 389 

mality, “Dear Alice,” or, “Dear Miss Warren,” and 
close it, “Y ours sincerely.” 

For a small dance for girls of fifteen and seven¬ 
teen and boys of sixteen to eighteen, the invitation is 
an engraved card similar to that for grown-up people. 
Early hours are stated, usually. The party may be 
at the house of the parents, or in a small ballroom 
elsewhere. An engraved form has the name of the 
guest written in the space. The entire invitation may 
be written in the same form. 

Mr. and Mrs. Sidney Gray 
request the pleasure of 


(Name of guest is written in this space) 


company at a small dance 
on Monday evening, the seventh of January 
from nine to twelve o’clock 
at the Colony Club 


Please reply to 

05 East Thirty-fifth Street 


A reply is written in the same manner: 


Miss Rosamund West 
accepts with pleasure 
Mr. and Mrs. Gray’s 
kind invitation for 

Monday evening, the seventh of January 


390 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

Dances known as the Middle Holiday Dances are 
for girls of fifteen and sixteen years of age and boys 
from sixteen to eighteen. These dances are organized 
by a group of patronesses who are mothers of the 
members. The dances are given in a small ballroom 
of a hotel. Invitations to subscribe are sent to those 
who are eligible, each name having been approved by 
the committee on invitations. The favor of an imme¬ 
diate reply is requested and cards of admission are 
sent on receipt of the dues. Each girl member has 
the privilege of inviting a boy guest. The girls are 
supposed to be under the chaperonage of the ladies 
who receive at the dances, but a chaperon card is pro¬ 
vided at an extra charge. 


CHAPTER VIII 


HOSPITALITIES 

Not only for the pleasure the children derive from 
them are parties of value, but for the opportunities 
the parents have to discover the children s manners 
and to teach them to be graciously hospitable. 

The hours for children’s parties are usually from 
four to six o’clock, for those who are from six to ten 
years old. 

Children are accompanied by their nurses, or per¬ 
haps by their mothers, and go first to the dressing- 
room to remove wraps. Mothers take their children 
to greet the hostess and may be expected to stay, or 
may return later to take the little ones home. Much 
depends on the form in which an invitation is issued. 
Nurses wait in the dressing-room to take the children 
home or may leave and return for them. 

The mother receives the guests and the little hostess 
stands beside her. The mother takes the hand of each 
child with the words, “How-do-you-do, Ethel?” or “I 
am glad to see you, Elarry,” and the little hostess must 
do the same. Girls make curtsies to the mother; boys 
bow from the waist. The guests should say, “How- 
do-you-do?” or “I am so glad to be here.” If the party 
is for a birthday the guests should say to the child, 
“I wish you a very happy birthday,” and she should 

391 


392 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

reply, “Thank you.” If her friends bring birthday 
presents she must say, “Thank you so much.” 

When having a birthday party a child is taught to 
be generous by giving presents to guests. Toys, books, 
dolls, or pretty favors are suitable. There may be 
a “Jack Horner” pie, containing gifts and these are 
distributed by the child. The gifts are wrapped in 
tissue paper tied with blue ribbon for boys, pink for 
girls. 

If there are games the little hostess should not insist 
on playing a game she prefers if the others like some¬ 
thing else, nor should she sulk and look cross if another 
child wins a prize in a game. She must learn to think 
of her guests, not of herself. 

A “Mother Goose” party may be a pretty as well 
as an amusing affair. A dance may be arranged, with 
children in “Bo-Peep” costumes. Another dance may 
represent “Mistress Mary, quite contrary,” with the 
children in flower dresses, not forgetting “silver bells” 
and “cockle shells.” “The old woman who lived in 
a shoe” may distribute little gifts. “Old Mother 
Hubbard” and her dog, “Little Boy Blue,” with his 
horn, are other characters to be represented. “Mother 
Goose” herself, of course, must be the hostess. 

Children are amused by a “Punch and Judy” show, 
or there may be motion-pictures, or a conjurer is en¬ 
gaged to do sleight-of-hand tricks. 

If there is dancing a boy who is playing host is 
polite in asking girls to dance and in trying to provide 
partners for shy girls. There is very little formality in 
going to supper. The children go in groups. There 
may be one large table, or several small tables. 


HOSPITALITIES 


393 

For a birthday party there is a birthday cake on the 
supper table, with small wax candles to correspond 
with the age of the child. 

The food for very young children is simple, and may 
be similar to that which the children have at their 
regular supper-hour, or this may be varied by oyster 
broth, bouillon, little sandwiches filled with ingredi¬ 
ents not highly flavored; chocolate, or cocoa, cakes, 
bonbons, jellies, custard, or ice cream. The table 
should have flowers in the centre. Snapping-mottoes 
to pull, and souvenirs for every place add to the fun. 

In summer a lawn-fete is a delight. This is merely 
a tea out-of-doors. The youthful host or hostess re¬ 
ceives with the mother on the lawn, or on the veranda. 
The food may be served from a table under the trees 
and m'ay consist of sandwiches, cake, ice cream, bon¬ 
bons and fruit lemonade. In strawberry season it is 
more convenient to have everything served in the 
dining-room. 

At a lawn-fete dances are often arranged with the 
children in fancy-dress, representing characters in 
Alice in Wonderland; or there may be Kate Greenaway 
costumes. Flower-dances are exceedingly pretty, the 
girls having dresses representing roses, lilies, pansies, 
carnations and tulips; the boys having suits of brown 
linen trimmed with leaves and grasses, thus making a 
contrast to the gay colors worn by the girls. A few 
musicians may be engaged to provide the music. 

Sports contests for juveniles afford much merri¬ 
ment; obstacle-races, thread-needle races, crab-races 
and the like, with a final seventy-five yard dash for 
girls and boys of twelve to fifteen. Prizes are awarded 


394 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

and may be miniature silver cups, cameras, watches, 
and mechanical toys. 

The hours for a dance for girls and boys from thir¬ 
teen to sixteen years old are from eight to eleven or 
twelve o’clock. The girl for whom the dance is given 
does not stand beside her mother for any length of 
time, as if she were grown-up and at her “coming-out” 
party. She stands with her mother or whoever may 
be giving the dance, for a short time and then joins her 
friends in the general dancing. The older persons of 
the family do the honors in receiving and seeing that 
the young people are introduced and are not neglected. 

At a dance a supper may be a sit-down supper at 
small tables, or a simple buffet, which is easier. 
Bouillon, creamed oysters, chicken croquettes, chicken 
salad, ice cream, fruit-punch, or orangeade are served. 

When going to a theatre after dinner the hostess, 
who is the mother of the girl for whom the pleasure 
has been arranged, has her own car to take the young 
people to the play. After the play she takes them 
to their homes, unless the girls are to be called for 
by their maids at the house of the hostess, or have their 

parents’ motors sent for them. 

Always after a party of any description something 
pleasant is said to the hostess by children or by the 
older boys and girls. The usual expression for them 
is, “Good night, thank you so much,” or “I have had 
a wonderful time.” Children may say “It was a lovely 
party. Thank you for inviting me,” or “Good-by, I 
had such a good time.” The hostess replies, “Good-by. 

I am so glad you could come.” 

In families where there* is the usual amount of 


HOSPITALITIES 


395 

sociability and hospitality going on boys and girls have 
the advantage constantly of meeting the friends of 
their parents. They learn to be at ease, to have a 
certain poise, without being forward. They are often 
at the usual luncheon when a few friends may be there, 
or they come in at the hour for tea in the afternoon. 
But the young people are not expected to assume any 
share in acting the part of host or hostess. When din¬ 
ners of not too formal a nature are given girls of six¬ 
teen or seventeen may come to the drawing-room 
before dinner. They are introduced to the guests but 
do not appear at dinner. A girl of seventeen may, 
however, be given a place at the last moment, if a 
guest is unavoidably absent. 






CHAPTER IX 

girls’ manners 

Girls like to be popular and it is obvious that this 
includes the wish to have charm. True charm of 
manner often comes from a happy temperament, a 
pleasant disposition. There is no doubt that charm 
may be cultivated by a sincere wish to please, an un¬ 
willingness to offend by word or action. A girl who 
is charming is not so absorbed in herself that she can¬ 
not enter into the interests of others. She listens when 
anyone is talking to her, looks a person in the face 
and gives attention; does not interrupt or show impa¬ 
tience to monopolize the conversation. 

Sincerity is an essential part of charn}. No one is 
charming who is effusively polite to someone with the 
hope of gaining an invitation, and coldly indifferent to 
another who has less to offer. Manners of that sort 
are seen through very easily. They do not win friends 
or happiness. 

Self-consciousness is often a barrier to a girl’s popu¬ 
larity. Fears as to what others are thinking are fatal 
to charm. The best way is to think of others, and not 
worry about the impression one is making. 

A girl is never charming who assumes an indepen¬ 
dent, self-assertive manner. The world will never 
be convinced of the superiority of anyone who is push¬ 
ing, or egotistical or rude. Conduct of the sort shows 

396 


GIRLS’ MANNERS 397 

crudeness, ignorance, a lack of intelligence. A mistake 
is to think that a noisy manner, gushing spirits and a 
loud laugh indicate amusement. A girl who is well- 
bred never screams, nor does she move about in a 
rushing, bustling way. A girl’s manner or “way” of 
doing anything shows what sort of a girl she is. Her 
way of speaking, her choice of words, her voice, the 
way she writes a note, walks in the street, enters or 
leaves a room—these are a few things which show T 
whether she is aiming for the best standards. A girl 
of refinement never nudges or pats people, never takes 
hold of a boy’s arm, nor does she permit a boy to 
have familiar ways with her. She is sensible in being 
reserved in not writing letters to boys. It might annoy 
her very much if some of her silly, school-girl letters 
were kept by the recipient for a long time after friendly 
relations had ended, and if the letters should fall into 
other hands. 

Naturally, a girl who is well brought up never as¬ 
sumes control at home and does not seem to put her 
parents in the background. She is careful to have 
her new friends meet her parents. If she wishes to 
invite friends to the house for lunch or tea she consults 
her mother, and she would never allow her visitors to 
be inconsiderate of her mother or to take any liberties 
in her mother’s house. In fact, a test of their behavior 
while there would help in a decision as to the desira¬ 
bility of their friendship. 

The custom of making a curtsey is a very pretty 
one and is observed as an act of deference from girls 
to older people. Aside from the graceful, polite act 
itself, it is very charming and is the way for little girls 



398 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

and older ones to greet a hostess. Girls make these 
little dips when introduced to an older person, the 
mother of a friend, or any lady to whom deference 
should be shown, and they need not hesitate to curtsey 
to a much older man, the grandfather, perhaps, of a 
friend. Girls do not curtsey to girls or boys when 
introduced. 

Mothers cannot be too careful in the guardianship 
of their daughters. A mother is the natural chaperon 
of her daughter, but, if she cannot be with her she 
should be sure that the daughter is under proper pro¬ 
tection. Girls should not go about alone with boys to 
theatres or the “movies." In small towns and other 
localities customs may be different from those in great 
cities, but at least parents can be careful as to the asso¬ 
ciates of their children. Parents are strangely indif¬ 
ferent who allow mere school-girls to indulge in silly 
flirtations which may seem harmless, but which rob a 
girl of much of the simplicity of heart so well worth 
keeping. Girls sometimes allow too much freedom of 
speech and action from boys. A boy may not admit it 
but he does not like so much freedom, and he gives 
his allegiance to a girl who knows how to assert her 
own dignity and can control and guide the tone of con¬ 
versation and intimacy. A girl who has cleverness, 
bright conversation and character may not be a very 
pretty girl but will have friends worth having rather 
than a girl who depends on her beauty. The time has 
gone by when mere beauty of face, without brains or 
common sense, was an attraction. 

“To be really good-mannered,” said a bright girl, 
“must mean more than a mere list of things to do or 


GIRLS’ MANNERS 


399 

leave undone. The cultivation of manners must be 
the outgrowth of character, the real polish which is 
the result of care, not a thin veneer which will crack 
and break. We must wear our manners as a part of 
ourselves, not as a garment to be laid aside at will; 
and I think,” she concluded, “that it is in the power of 
every girl to shape her manners so that she may become 
a much nobler being, in earnest to help others, and by 
genuine kindness of heart and sincere politeness she 
may make the world a pleasanter place for those she 
meets on her way through it.” 


CHAPTER X 


GRACE IN MOVEMENT 

Ease and grace in movement belong by nature to 
very few persons but may be acquired by training and 
practice. An erect carriage, a graceful walk, a grace¬ 
ful manner of standing, sitting and rising distinguish 
the cultivated person from the uncultivated, just as 
the well-drilled soldier is finer than the raw recruit. 
Boys know that a soldier holds himself erect, wfith 
shoulders held back; he walks with even, regular steps 
and has an air of manliness and vigor. Girls as well 
as boys have opportunities to learn how to use their 
muscles and how to control them in gymnastic exer¬ 
cises, athletic sports and dancing lessons. Awkward 
movements, ungainly, slouching attitudes are not 
pleasing. 

The first thing to consider concerning grace is the 
correct poise of the body. There will be no lines of 
beauty, no grace in standing if the body sinks back 
on the heels, or the shoulders are stooping, or rounded, 
or the chest sinks in, or the chin is poked forward. 
Awkward, ugly, unnatural, affected attitudes, such as 
are seen in fantastic designs in fashion magazines, have 
been imitated too much. The true principles of poise 
are that the weight of the body should rest on the balls 
of the feet, not on the heels, knees should be straight, 

400 


GRACE IN MOVEMENT 401 

the chest raised, shoulders held back, the stomach held 
in and flat, the head held with the chin in, instead of 
projecting. Standing gracefully is nothing more than 
an interrupted step. 

To walk well there must be evenness of motion, no 
jerking steps, and no long strides. 

A lady stands with her feet together, unless a dif¬ 
ferent attitude is required in an athletic sport. When 
walking she never swings her arms and never looks 
down at her feet. 

To walk correctly the foot is placed almost straight, 
turned very slightly outward. It is awkward to turn 
the feet in, and exceedingly ugly to spread the feet out. 
The knees should move flexibly; the arms are held 
easily. 

There is an art in sitting and rising. It is very 
bad manners to drop into a chair. When going toward 
a chair to sit in it, enough space is allowed to turn 
when near it. One foot is kept in advance of the 
other, and the body swings around easily, the weight 
resting on the foot nearest the chair. The hips and 
knees are bent deeply and thus one glides into a chair. 
When sitting down one foot may be crossed over the 
other, but to cross one knee over the other is an un¬ 
graceful attitude and not allowed at dancing school. 
When rising from a chair, an alert, properly managed 
body does not need to be helped up by clutching the 
sides of the chair with the hands. One foot is placed 
in advance of the other, and by rising quickly, with 
the body erect, straightening the knees and letting the 
weight of the body fall on the foot in advance there 
is grace in movement. 


402 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

Girls and boys may break awkward habits by taking 
lessons in physical culture. Dancing lessons of the 
gymnastic type, or rhythmic dancing will be of use in 
giving grace to children. Dancing classes for children 
of ten years old are useful in teaching manners. Boys 
learn to bow properly and ceremoniously by putting 
the feet together, and bending the body slightly from 
the waist. Girls make pretty curtsies. 


CHAPTER XI 


WHEN VISITING FRIENDS 

Children do not go on visits unless accompanied 
by their mothers, or by a relation, to stay a few days 
at the house of a relation or of a very intimate friend 
of their parents. If staying in anyone’s house they 
must respect the belongings of others, never touch 
ornaments or books, and never wander about in a spirit 
of curiosity or investigation. 

Girls from twelve to sixteen often go for week-end 
visits, but never travel alone. The hostess, who is the 
mother of the girl friend at whose house the visit is 
to be made, arranges to call for her. For instance, 
Cynthia’s mother invites Barbara for a week-end at 
her country house, calls for her in her car, and when 
the visit is over, takes her home. If going by train 
the same care is given, that is, Barbara may be taken 
to the station to meet her hostess, who brings her 
home safely after the visit, or puts her in the care of 
a member of the family and she is met at the station 
by one of her own family or a responsible servant. 

If by any mistake, or accident, a girl is not met at 
the station she should not take a “taxi,” nor should 
she ever ask information from a stranger, nor accept 
an offer from one. Inquiries must be made of officials. 
It is better for her to walk or take a street car, or bus, 
but never a “taxi” alone in a great city. 

When going on a visit a girl must be careful to 
take everything needful and never borrow any articles 

403 


40 4 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

or small change from her hostess or other persons. A 
welcome guest adapts herself quickly to the household 
ways; she is punctual at meals; always ready when 
others are ready to go out motoring. She makes her¬ 
self agreeable to others who may be staying in the 
house, and is especially considerate toward all members 
of the family, old as well as young. 

Care of the belongings in the house is always ob¬ 
served. If a book is chosen from a book-case or table 
it is not taken to one’s room without asking permis¬ 
sion. The pages are not to be turned down, nor is a 
book ever to be spread open face downward, and it is 
returned safely to the place from which it was taken. 

If a girl receives letters she does not open them at 
luncheon or dinner, but may do so at breakfast, always 
saying first to her hostess, “May I open my letters?” 

If wishing to use a telephone permission must be 
asked and a long distance message paid for. A safe 
rule is to avoid using the telephone unless absolutely 
necessary. Even a good-natured hostess may be justly 
annoyed if a thoughtless girl makes a convenience of 
her telephone and holds lengthy conversations with 
friends far away. Other rules are not to use a private 
writing desk without having been given permission; 
never to use tennis racquets or golf clubs unless asked 
to do so; and never to pluck flowers in a garden. 

One’s room must be kept in neat order; clothing, 
hats, and shoes put away in their places. When leav¬ 
ing one’s room in the morning bedclothes are turned 
down, and a window is opened. 

A sensible guest does not expect to be amused all 
the time. Two girls will enjoy each other’s society 


WHEN VISITING FRIENDS 405 

more if they do not spend every moment together. 
Even a very young girl on a visit needs to have re¬ 
sources of her own, and lets her hostess have some time 
to herself. A girl who follows her hostess about, or 
keeps up an endless flow of talk is a tiresome guest. 
It is wise to learn early in life to be self-effacing when 
on a visit, to read a book, or write a letter. 

A well-brought-up girl would never take the liberty 
of receiving guests whom her hostess does not know 
without asking if they may come, mentioning their 
names, and introducing them, when they come; and she 
would never make engagements or plans without con¬ 
sulting her hostess. 

When going away a tip is given to the maid who 
has cared for one’s room or who has given especial 
services. Girls who are accustomed to be waited upon 
at home, may be staying where households are differently 
arranged and few servants are employed, and should be 
careful not to have clothes brushed or shoes cleaned 
unless a hostess offers to have these things attended to. 

If Barbara has been taken home by her hostess she 
thanks her then and there for the pleasure of the visit. 
If not she must write a note. She may say: 

Dear Mrs. Murray: 

I cannot thank you enough for the happy visit. 

It was wonderful. I enjoyed every moment. 

With love to you and Cynthia, 

Yours very sincerely, 

Barbara Alden. 

When a boy is on a visit his duties are practically 
the same as those of a girl. 


CHAPTER XII 


IN PUBLIC 

On the street the rule is to keep to the right in 
passing. The rule is frequently broken by persons 
who are either ignorant or confused, and this makes 
an awkward situation for passers-by. 

It is rude for three or four persons to walk together 
in a line, thus causing inconvenience to others who wish 
to pass. One or two should step back. Friends who 
meet in the street and wish to talk should not stand 
in groups in the way of others, but move aside. Two 
persons who are walking together and who separate 
when passing someone, and pass on either side, and 
then talk across the passer-by are guilty of great rude¬ 
ness. Boys sometimes do this without realizing the 
bad habit. 

A person with good manners does not push or jostle 
against anyone on the street, or in the entrances to 
shops, theatres or churches. If by accident, or un¬ 
avoidable action in a crowded thoroughfare one 
brushes against another person one must say, “Excuse 
me,” or “I beg your pardon,” and a boy lirts his cap 
or hat as an apology. 

It is not good manners to loiter looking in shop 
windows. One should walk on quickly from place to 
place. Young girls need to be very careful to observe 

406 


IN PUBLIC 


407 

this rule. No one should ever turn and stare at a 
passer-by; nor call across a street to a friend. Voices 
are restrained in public by well-bred people. Names 
are not mentioned in a public conveyance. Loud talk¬ 
ing and laughing are marks of ill-breeding. The worst 
manners are those of people who try to draw attention 
to themselves. 

A person who knows the rudiments of good manners 
does not eat in the street, or munch candy, or chew 
gum. The practice of chewing gum is so reprehensible 
that it cannot be too forcibly condemned. It is simply 
vulgar. 

A boy who is accustomed to be with his mother or 
sister on the street learns the various small courtesies 
required of him. He lifts his cap or hat when bowing 
to his mother’s friends. He does not raise it with a 
flourish but lifts it and replaces it quickly. 

He lifts his hat in greeting a girl, and always 
raises it when greeting a man who is older than himself 
and when meeting his father, grandfather, uncle, or 
other relation. 

When offering any civility to a woman, giving up his 
seat in a public conveyance, or opening a door for a 
lady in a public place, or picking up for her any article 
she has dropped, he raises his hat. If a man gives up 
his seat in a car to a boy’s mother or sister, a boy lifts 
his hat. If another seat is given up a boy does not 
take it, but offers it first to the person who has given 
up his seat. 

Boys like to know the reason for certain acts of 
courtesy. Lifting the hat, for instance, comes from a 
very ancient custom, when a knight raised the visor 


408 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

of his helmet to a friend to show his identity, or re¬ 
moved his helmet in the presence of a lady. Bowing 
in ancient times was an act of allegiance or homage. 
Rising and standing are indicative of self-respect as 
well as respect for others. 

The custom of shaking hands is traced to barbaric 
times when a man offered his right hand to another to 
show that he was without a weapon, or as a pledge of 
good-will and peace. 

Lifting the hat is an act of patriotism and respect 
at the passing of the colors in the street. Everyone 
stands when the National Anthem is played, wherever 
they may be. 

When traveling with children it is expected that the 
children shall keep their seats and not wander up and 
down the aisle of a Pullman car, and the same rule is 
observed by well-bred children in an ordinary coach. 
Many people travel in the so-called “coaches” and 
those who are careful do not allow children to run up 
and down the aisle, to pull down paper drinking cups 
every minute and draw ice-water, or to climb up and 
stare at passengers over the backs of seats. When a 
journey is to be of several hours’ duration some per¬ 
sons carry their lunch with them. If they must do this 
they should eat quietly, not allow children to eat con¬ 
tinuously throughout a journey, and not throw fruit- 
skins or other debris on the floor. 

“The child at church,” writes one of our bishops, 
“may learn three of the supreme qualities of life; duty, 
reverence, love. A mother sometimes wonders why 
it is that her children exhibit now and then extremely 
vulgar traits. She has not taken them to church, but 


IN PUBLIC 


409 

she has drilled them in the amenities of social life. Yet 
behind their conventional courtesies there is a streak 
of coarseness, a lack of gentleness, consideration and 
respect in delicate situations. Rules may make a per¬ 
son conventional before the world; only reverence in 
the heart can make a person invariably gentle.” 

Very young children should not be taken to church, 
as they become restless and disturb other people. 
Older children soon learn to be quiet and reverent. A 
boy removes his hat in the vestibule or entrance. If 
with his mother and sisters he follows them up the 
aisle. There should be no whispering either before 
the service begins or during the service. The rule 
among well-behaved people is to conform to the cus¬ 
toms in any church service, though unfamiliar with it, 
to kneel when others kneel, stand when others stand. 
After the service, when walking down the aisle, silence 
is observed. Conversation and greetings are deferred 
until outside of the building. 

It is not customary for children in the social life 
described in this book to go to places of amusement 
unaccompanied by an older person. Occasionally, 
older boys and girls at home from boarding-school for 
the holidays may have a little party arranged for them 
for an afternoon by one of the mothers. A brother 
of sixteen or seventeen may take charge and they go 
to a matinee, or to the “movies,” in the mother’s motor 
and are called for after the play, and then go to tea 
at the house of the mother who arranged the treat. 

During the holidays there are theatre parties for 
children, or visits to the “movies,” for a matinee, never 
for evening plays, and the older person who is acting 


4 io EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

as a chaperon is with the boys and girls. At the theatre 
the lady who is with them leads the way, following the 
usher; the girls go next, then the boys, and the chaperon 
arranges how they are to be seated, and she takes the 
end seat. As a general rule the party consists only of 
girls. 

In small towns, or different localities other rules may 
be preferred, but, at least, parents should see that their 
children are safely and properly protected in public 
places, as well as guarded from the demoralizing in¬ 
fluence of harmful motion pictures. 

Arrival at a theatre should be before the play be¬ 
gins. Girls remove their hats promptly after taking 
their seats. If obliged to pass others who are seated 
one faces the stage and says “Excuse me.” Loud talk¬ 
ing, noisy applause and whistling are rude and it is 
not good manners to turn and stare at others, or to 
make signals to friends in the audience. 

In large cities very young boys and girls who are 
carefully brought up do not go about alone in streets 
or crowded thoroughfares. 


CHAPTER XIII 


PERSONAL APPEARANCE 

« 

Dress for children should follow the law of sim¬ 
plicity in material and design. It should have attract¬ 
iveness in color, but trimmings and elaborateness are 
neither suitable, nor in good taste. Very sensible 
clothes are necessary for play for girls as well as boys. 
Girls will not become too sophisticated if not encour¬ 
aged to think of their clothes when very young. 

To be neatly, becomingly and appropriately dressed 
is right, but girls and boys must learn that a mark of 
good breeding is to be well-dressed and then never to 
be conscious of clothes. 

Personal neatness is a moral duty. The old 
proverb, “Cleanliness is next to godliness,” means 
purity in body, mind and soul. 

Self-respect demands that as much time and thought 
should be spent on the cleanliness of bodies as on their 
adornment. Careful and thorough daily bathing and 
attention to hair, teeth and nails are essential. Under¬ 
garments must be as neat as dresses. Fresh gloves 
and shoes are important accessories. Girls who are 
well-bred avoid the use of perfumes. The merest whiff 
of a delicate perfume, the faintest suggestion is all 
that is permitted. A heavy, overpowering perfume is 
shocking and gives an impression that there is some¬ 
thing to disguise. A pure, clean skin, kept clean by 


412 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

the constant use of soap and water, does not need the 
addition of a perfume. The nicest girls do not examine 
their faces in little mirrors in their handbags in public, 
and do not use paint or powder. 

Children do not wear “jewels.” It is astonishing 
to see in a naive book of etiquette that children should 
not wear “elaborate” jewels! The truth is that they 
should not wear jewels of any sort. Jewels are 
precious stones. It is necessary to point out, as in 
a later chapter, the importance of bringing up children 
to love simplicity and to understand that display and 
extravagance are false standards. A girl of ten may 
have a simple little ring; a girl of twelve may have a 
gold bracelet, or a wrist-watch, perhaps, but without 
“jewels” set in either. At a dance a girl of sixteen 
may wear round her neck a slender gold chain with a 
little pendant 

A child who stares at other children’s clothes, or 
makes rude, critical remarks about them, or compares 
them with her own more expensive clothes, shows that 
the home training and environment are at fault and 
snobbish. A child would not think of these things 
unless she had heard similar talk from older persons. 
Purse-proud, overbearing, disagreeable children are 
met sometimes in the world and when they grow up 
to be women they will have the same attributes and 
will never be liked. 

Queen Alexandra of England, when a young girl, 
was obliged to be very economical. She understood 
how to make a dress and trim a hat and took pride in 
her talent. Her good taste and judgment meant much 
to her in the early days as a princess in the royal house- 


PERSONAL APPEARANCE 


4i3 

hold of Denmark. She was neither wasteful nor idle 
and she studied the art of dressing well on a small 
income. 

When girls are growing up it may be a help to them 
to have an allowance for dress and to learn values and 
how to keep within the limits of expenditure. Novel¬ 
ties are often a snare to girls. Something in a shop 
window is so tempting that it is bought in haste and 
proves to be unsuitable in style or color. It does not 
“go” with other things. 

A simple dress of good material, plainly made, is 
always in better taste than a gown of inferior quality, 
of gay color, made in an extreme of fashion which 
passes quickly. 

There is an art in knowing how to put on one’s 
clothes and hats. A girl who is careless, untidy, who 
dresses in haste and looks as though her dress and 
hat had been thrown at her, will never be attractive, 
and if she wears expensive silk stockings, conspicuous 
shoes and a shabby dress or hat or soiled gloves, or 
no gloves at all, she forgets some of the principles of 
refinement. 

Scrupulous personal neatness is practised by a boy 
who aims to have the habits of a gentleman. His 
clothes are well-brushed and pressed, his linen is fresh, 
his shoes are polished. He never leaves his coat or 
trousers thrown on a chair in his room, thus spoiling 
their shape. He does not wear “jewelry.” A seal 
ring may be worn on the “little” finger of the left 
hand by a boy of sixteen or seventeen. Plain gold cuff¬ 
links are in good taste. Scarf pins are not worn at 
present. 


CHAPTER XIV 


SIMPLICITY 

False standards are in affectations. The truly well- 
bred persons are simply and naturally themselves. 
Simplicity of word and action belong to them. Simple 
natures are neither crude, stupid nor foolish, but quite 
the opposite. Simplicity is in reality a state of mind, 
very difficult for the pretentious person to understand. 

It is a serious mistake to use ceremonious expressions 
with children. It gives them confused ideas, affected, 
unnatural manners, very detrimental to them. 

Unauthoritative books of etiquette for young people 
speak of “presentations” and “presenting,” meaning 
“introductions” and “introducing.” The fact is that 
“presentations” refer only to being presented at Court, 
and these ceremonies have nothing to do with children. 
The word “present” is not chosen invariably when in¬ 
troducing grown-up people, and it is never used for 
children. 

It is used when anyone is “presented” to the Presi¬ 
dent of the United States, but a child would not be 
included in a formal introduction to him. 

Children are not introduced formally to each other. 
It is sufficient to say, “Bessie, this is Natalie Dale, or 
“Natalie, this is Bessie Thompson.” Girls do not 
curtsey to girls or boys when introduced. If a boy 
is introduced to a girl her name is mentioned first. If 

414 


SIMPLICITY 


4i5 

a girl is sitting down and another girl is brought up 
to be introduced to her she should get up, shake hands 
and stand while the other is standing. If a boy is 
brought up to a girl to be introduced and she is sitting 
down she may stand up, shake hands with him and then 
sit down again, although a grown-up girl does not 
stand up when a young man is introduced, but if she is 
at home and her brother should bring a friend to intro¬ 
duce she should stand up. If an elderly or a distin¬ 
guished man is introduced, she should stand up. A 
girl makes a little curtsey when introduced to a lady, 
a boy makes a bow, and each m'ust wait for the older 
person to offer to shake hands. 

A mother introduces a daughter or son to a friend 
by saying, “This is my daughter, Maud,” or “This is 
my son, George.” 

Girls of fourteen or fifteen may have a more formal 
way of introducing their friends. It makes no differ¬ 
ence which name is mentioned first when the age of 
the girls is about the same. “Miss North, Miss 
West,” may be said, but if introducing a young man 
the girl’s name is mentioned first and the best form 
is, “Miss West, I want to introduce Mr. Southland.” 
No one should ever say, “I want to make you ac¬ 
quainted with,” nor should one say, “This is my 
friend,” nor should one repeat the name of a person 
who is introduced. It is not good manners. 

A girl introducing a young man to her sister, would 
say, “Lily, I want to introduce Mr. Jones.” She 
might tell the young man beforehand of her wish to 
introduce him to her sister or a word of explanation 
may be given afterwards. A boy introducing a boy to 


416 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

his sister would follow the same rule. In either case, 
the sister is to be called by her first name, and not 
“Miss So-and-So.” 

A boy introducing a friend to his mother would say, 
“Mother, this is Stephen Brown,” but if he is intro¬ 
ducing an older man he should say, “Mother, may I 
introduce Mr. Brown?” 

Another point to be suggested to those who do not 
observe the rule of simplicity is that children and boys 
and girls from twelve to sixteen or seventeen do not 
need visiting cards. When girls and boys are grown 
up and old enough to need cards they have them and 
the cards are engraved with a prefix, Miss Cynthia 
Murray; Mr. James Jones. Girls of fifteen or sixteen 
may have cards as a convenience to use when going 
to see their friends, but they do not make formal visits 
and do not send cards. Their cards have the prefix, 
“Miss.” Eighteen years of age is supposed to be the 
age when boys and girls are grown up and entitled to 
use cards. Girls at that time are “coming out” in 
society, boys are college boys, or eligible for invita¬ 
tions to formal parties. College boys have their cards 
with the prefix, “Mr.,” but some boys at college omit 
the prefix, although the omission is not correct. 


CHAPTER XV 


EVERY-DAY LIFE AT HOME 

The education which is of greatest value in child¬ 
hood is that which is received unconsciously. Chil¬ 
dren are very susceptible to the influence of surround¬ 
ings, sensitive to the looks and manners of those with 
whom they are associated. Fathers and mothers have 
to remember to keep up standards in habits of cour¬ 
tesy, punctuality, carefulness in dress and in talk. “I 
never knew the meaning of discipline, in the sense of 
being under discipline myself, until I learned it from 
my children,” said a father very frankly. 

Inconsistencies of conduct are quickly detected by 
children. They wonder why they are expected to be 
polite, prompt, careful of their appearance and lan¬ 
guage if other people are not. People who are gener¬ 
ally polite often speak abruptly to a child, but if a 
child speaks rudely he is reproved, yet he takes his 
example from the parent. Certain things which are 
asked of older persons with deference are asked impa¬ 
tiently of a child. For example, we say to a friend, 
“Will you please?” or “Would you mind doing so- 
and-so?” but a peremptory command is often issued 
to a child, and when he does as he is told, do we always 
remember to say, “Thank you ? His self-respect and 
the respect he shows in his manners are influenced by 
the respect shown to him. Any violation of his rights 

417 


4i8 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

destroys his regard for the rights of others. If he is 
thanked for attentions he will learn to be polite in 
the same way. “Thank you” and “Please” should be 
frequently in use from the elders. 

The custom is for children to say, “Yes, father,” 
“No, mother,” or “Yes, Aunt Mary,” or “Thank you, 
Uncle Fred,” “I think so, Mrs. Dash,” as the case 
may be. It is not allowable for them, to say, “Yes,” 
“No,” “What?” A girl should say, “Yes, Mr. 
White,” rather than “Sir.” A boy should answer a 
gentleman by saying “Yes, sir,” or “No, sir,” in the 
respectful, old-fashioned way, but it is not the custom 
ever to say, “Yes, ma’am” to a lady. Boys and girls 
say, “Yes, Mrs. Dash,” “No, Miss Smith.” 

In many families it is the custom to have tea in the 
drawing-room or library in the afternoon, at five 
o’clock, when friends often come in. The children of 
the household, who are old enough, are then allowed 
to come to the room and the opportunity is given them 
to learn a certain ease of manner. Children of five 
or six years old are brought in only when very inti¬ 
mate friends are present. Older boys and girls may 
come. The boys bow politely to visitors. Girls make 
little curtsies. Boys make themselves useful by pass¬ 
ing sandwiches, cake, cups of tea, and girls do the 
same. The children are not expected to join in the 
conversation unless spoken to. They may each have 
a little sandwich or a piece of cake, take it on a plate, 
sit down and eat it daintily. If many people are pres¬ 
ent the children are expected to go away without say¬ 
ing “Good-by.” If only a few are there they shake 
hands, say “Good-by,” and leave quietly. Before 


EVERY-DAY LIFE AT HOME 


419 

coming in they are careful to have faces and hands 
washed, clothes changed, if necessary, but they are 
never “dressed up” for the occasion. Simple afternoon 
clothes are put on, neat stockings and shoes. 

Ease of manner and grace in bearing may be gained 
by children, if they become accustomed to the society 
of older people who are interested in them and who 
have charm of manner. 

To find fault with children before other people is 
to injure their self-respect. To praise them before 
others makes them self-conscious and conceited. Praise 
is an excellent stimulant when it is deserved for obedi¬ 
ence, neatness, orderliness, or patience and courage, 
but it is more helpful if given privately. One child 
should not be flattered and favored at the expense of 
another’s feelings. Children need praise and often 
get words of blame when they may be starving for a 
little encouragement. Boys who are worth anything 
know how to accept praise and will “act up' 5 to the 
estimate given to them.. 

Very often children make blunders, or do what 
merits disapproval, or they attempt to argue from 
their own point of view. They are justly entitled to 
the same fair treatment and courtesy we give to our 
friends when discussing a subject on which we do not 
agree. And the elders are in duty bound to admit a 
mistake by saying, “I beg your pardon. I was mis¬ 
taken.” 

From ignorance a child may make a tactless remark, 
or interrupt and become too talkative, when his mother 
may be talking to a friend. Instead of saying to the 
child, “Don’t interrupt,” or, “It is not nice of you to 


420 EVERYBODY’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE 

speak of that,” it is well to say gently, “Let us talk of 
that at some other time, dear,” or, “Miss Dash and I 
are talking now.” Later, and in private, explanations 
may be given to the voluble child. 

Reading aloud to children from well-known books 
helps them in concentration of mind and gives them 
examples of generosity, chivalry, bravery, truth and 
other good qualities. At first they enjoy story-telling, 
and it should be a habit at home to tell the children 
the best from the great books of the world. Bible 
stories ought to be read or told to them, not in a 
didactic form, but its stories, characters and incidents 
ought to sift from the minds of parents into the chil¬ 
dren’s minds. 

If good literature is loved by the parents the chil¬ 
dren will acquire a wholesome taste in reading. His¬ 
tory will teach bravery, loyalty, heroism; biography 
will give enthusiasm for noble lives; books of adven¬ 
ture, travel and exploration will teach endurance and 
perseverance. An abundant supply of the lives of 
heroes and heroines should be in every home, so that 
the children may gain permanent ideals. Alfred the 
Great, Joan of Arc, Columbus, Washington and Liv¬ 
ingstone are a few suggestions. Self-sacrifice is repre¬ 
sented by Sir Philip Sidney. 

Pride in worthy and distinguished ancestry should 
be encouraged where names are handed down as 
precious heirloom's. Where there is an ancestor whose 
name is famous in the history of our Nation by a 
glorious deed of valor or of noble self-sacrifice, the 
story cannot be too greatly treasured. 

As the boys and girls grow in intelligence and knowl- 


EVERY-DAY LIFE AT HOME 421 

edge a great privilege to them is to hear the talk of 
older people at the table. Subjects of important daily 
interest in the world, subjects which are making his- 
toiy, matters of exploration and science, books worth 
reading, ought to be discussed. The tone of all con¬ 
versation at home should foster a taste for what is 
fine and prevent the demoralizing influence of unwhole¬ 
some newspapers. But the conversation should never 
appear to be of the didactic or lecturing type. A guest 
helps the talk with the introduction of new interests. 

Home is the training ground for life. In learning 
respect for the authority of parents children learn the 
necessity of obedience to law and order in the entire 
world. Home life requires the making of concessions, 
the importance of respecting the opinions of others, it 
teaches how to look at things from another’s point of 
view, to give up insisting on having one’s own way. 
The boys and girls as they grow up will show their 
training naturally in their life in the world and will be 
grateful for the early influence that taught them to be 
considerate, courteous and agreeable members of 
society. 




INDEX 


Abbreviations, 63, 66. 

“Abbotsford,” incident, while at, 281. 

Acceptance, cards of, 51; of an invi¬ 
tation, 74-75; to a formal dinner, 
75, 80; to an informal dinner, 77. 

Accessories, in guest-room, 234-235. 

Accidents, at table, 121. 

Acknowledgment, of wedding presents, 
66, 179-180; of messages of condo¬ 
lence, 341. 

Address, forms of, 284-291, 384-385. 

Address, on envelopes, 65-66; on in¬ 
vitations, 79-80; 82; on letters, 63; 
on notes, 63-65; on visiting cards, 56- 
59 - 

Afternoon dress, 278. 

Afternoon teas. See: Teas. 

Ambassador, close of letter to, 286; 
function of, in presentation at court, 
282; how to address, 286; how to 
announce as guest, 133; how to 
introduce, 7. 

Americans abroad, 281-282. 

Announcement of birth, 223-225; of 
death, 327-328; of marriage engage¬ 
ment, 165; of a wedding, 172-173. 

Announcing dinner, 134. 

Announcing guests, at dance, 151; at 
dinner, 133, 134; at luncheon, 92; 
at tea, 96-97. 

Answering the door, 52. 

Anthem, national, 18-19. 

Apology, at the theatre, 30. 

Archbishop, close of letter to, 287; 
how to address, 286; how to intro¬ 
duce, 7. 

Arm, etiquette of offering and taking, 
25 - 

Artichokes, how to eat, 11S. 

Ascot tie, 264, 266. 

Asking for a dance, 153. 

Asparagus, how to eat, 118. 

At Home, 76. 

Automobiles. See: Motors, Convey¬ 
ances. 

Baby, clothes for, at a christening, 225. 

Bachelor’s apartment, tea in, 259; 
dinner, 262; hospitality, chapter on, 
257-263; parties, 257-263; theatre 
party, 258-259. 

Bachelor girl, 161. 

Ball, dress, 296; term in disuse, 156. 

Ballroom, decoration, 150; etiquette in, 


Balls, chapter on, 145-156; handshak¬ 
ing at, 151; invitations to, 147-149; 
for a debutante, 149, 154. 

Baptism of child, 225. 

Beginning of a letter, 63-64. 

Bells, Wedding, 198-199. 

Best man, clothes of, 266; duties of, 
on wedding day, 175-176, 198, 201; 
during the marriage ceremony, 197; 
after the marriage ceremony, 208- 
209; in rehearsal, 176; at the wed¬ 
ding breakfast, 200-201. 

Beverages, at afternoon teas, 97, 99; 
at card parties, 107; at christenings, 
227; at dinners, 139; at garden par¬ 
ties, no, in; at luncheons, 88, 89; 
at suppers, 152; at weddings, 201. 

Birds, how to eat, 119. 

Bishop, close of letter to, 287; how 
to address, 287; how to introduce, 7. 

Bones, management of, at table, 122. 

Boots, 266, 297. 

Bouquet, bridal, 171, 183; of brides¬ 
maid, 184. 

Boutonniere, 146, 177, 194, 266. 

Bowing, etiquette of, 16, 17, 256, 278, 
326. 

Bread and butter, 122-123, 367. 

Breakfast, for country house guest, 
236; wedding, 200. 

Bridal procession, 196. 

Bridal veil, 182-183. 

Bride, acknowledgment of gifts by, 
66, 179-180; calls of, 55; calls on, 
46; gifts of, to bridesmaids, 176; 
gifts to, by bridegroom, 178; giving 
away of, 180, 197; house of, on wed¬ 
ding day, 185, 199; during the mar¬ 
riage ceremony, 197; in rehearsal, 
176; at the wedding breakfast, 200; 
thanks her friends, 199. 

Bride’s going away dress, 186. 

Bride’s new home, 351-352, 347- 

Bride’s parents, 173, 174, i 3 o, 195, 
208, 209. 

Bride’s table, 200-201. 

Bridegroom, clothes of, 266; during 
marriage ceremony, 197; expenses 
of, 170-171; gifts to best man and 
ushers by, 176-177; gift to bride 
from, 178; parents of, at wedding 
reception, 173, 195, 209; at wedding 
breakfast, 200. 

Bridesmaids, 195, 196, 198; bouquets 
of, 184; gowns of, 184; gifts of, to 


423 


424 


INDEX 


bride, 177; luncheon for, 176; tra¬ 
ditions about, 192. 

Bridge, dinners, 136-137; players, 345- 
346 . 

Buffet, at afternoon teas, 97; break¬ 
fasts, 209; suppers, 261. 

Business letter, 64; suits, 264-265. 

Butler, 7, 92, 134, 140, 141, 143, 199, 
311, 312, 313. 

Cabinet, member of, close of letter* to, 
285; how to address, 285; ho\V to 
introduce, 7. 

Calls, 255; also see: Visits. 

Cardinal, close of letter to, 286; how 
to address, 286; how to introduce, 
6 . 

Cards of, address, 56-59; of admit¬ 
tance to church weddings, 212-213; 
of general nvitation, 72-73; of in¬ 
troduction to a club, 323; at funer¬ 
als, 49; name, 104; place, 131, 138; 

^ visiting, chapter on, 45-59. 

Card parties, chapter on, 104-108; eve¬ 
ning, 348. 

Carelessness in speech, 40, 41, 44, 
374 - 

Carving, 140. 

Caudle, 227. 

Chairs, at table, 115, 121, 368, 369. 

Chaperons, 257, 258, 259, 260, 261. 

Charity bazaars, 112. 

Charm, secret of, 157-158. 

Chauffeur, 319-320. 

Chef, 313. 

Children, etiquette for, 353; hospitali¬ 
ties of, chapter on, 391-395; invita¬ 
tions to parties for, 386-390; notes 
of, chapter on, 382-385; parties for, 
386-390; personal appearance of, 
411-416; manners of, at table, chap¬ 
ter on, 365-369; training of, in 
manners, chapter on, 357-362. 

Christenings, chapter on, 223-227. 

Church, clothes at, 297; etiquette to be 
observed at, 27, 28; funeral at, 331; 
method of entering, 27; weddings, 
171, 172, 194-198. 

Cigar, removal of, 17, 18. 

Clergy, how to introduce, 7. 

Clergymen, close of letter to, 287-288; 
visiting card of, 58; wedding fee of, 
174,, 198. 

Closing of a letter, 64. 

Clothes, at an afternoon tea, 97, 99; 
at a christening, 225-227; at a 
funeral, 329; at a garden party, in; 
at luncheon, 91, 92, 297; at the 

opera, 296; at theatre, 296; at a 
wedding, 184-185; for a debutante, 
296; for a gentleman, chapter on, 
264-269; for a lady, chapter on, 
292-302; for mourning, 339'34o; for 
presentation abroad, 282; for riding, 
297. 

Clubs, chapter on, 321-326. 

Colloquialisms, 376. 

Colors, elementary principles of, in 
dress, 298-301. 


Commencement exercises, reply to in¬ 
vitation to, 82. 

Companion, 308-309. 

Companions, children’s, chapter on, 
378-381. 

Condolence, cards of, 49; notes of, 
50, 67, 68. 

Conduct, essentials in, chapter on, 370- 
377 - 

Congratulations, to bride and bride¬ 
groom, 167, 199, 209; letters of, 

80, 165. 

Congressman, 7. 

Consul, 279, 286. 

Conventions, 160. 

Conversation, chapter on, 33-38; foreign 
words in, 44; how to begin, 9; at 
afternoon tea, 99; at the home table, 
306; at a luncheon, 93; at the opera, 
31; on a railway train, 272; on a 
steamer, 278; on the street, 25; at 
the table, 13; at the theatre, 30; 
traveling, 272; without an introduc¬ 
tion, 13. 

Conveyances, 173-174, 195, 232-233, 

334 , 335 - 

Cook, 313-314, 316. 

Corn on the cob, when to eat, 118. 

Correct usage of words and phrases, 
40-44. 

Correspondence. See: Letters. 

Country clubs, 325. 

Country house, bachelor, host at, 263; 
chapter on, 241-250; guests at, chap¬ 
ter on, 241-250; hospitality in, chap¬ 
ter on, 228-240; stationery, 62-63. 

Court, presentation at, 6, 282, 283. 

Courtesy, in public, 24; at home, 304- 
306. 

Crest, 63. 

Cuff links, 177, 267, 268. 

Cut direct, 17. 

Cutaway coat, 265, 266, 279. 

Cutting in, 153-154- 

Dances, after wedding, 201; bachelor, 
258; chapter on, 145-156; introduc¬ 
tions at, 10; invitations to, 72, 73, 

_ 76 , 147; young people’s, 148, 149, 394. 

Days at home, 76. 

Death, notice of, 327, 330. 

Debts, 253. 

Debutante, 47, 97, 98, 148, 150, 154 
160; chapter on, 157-162. 

Decorations for ball, 150. 

Decoration of table, 125-126, 128, 226. 

Dessert service, 142. 

Dinners, announcement of, 134; clothes 
for, 268, 296; bachelor’s, 262; in¬ 
troductions at, 12-13; invitations to, 
132; seating at, 135; taking in to, 
I 33 -i 341 formal, chapter on, 130- 
137; before a dance, 151; before the 
theatre, 137; for bridesmaids and 
ushers, 176; for engaged couples, 
167; stag, 263; chapter on, 130-137. 

Dinner coat, 268-269, 278. 

Divorced woman, name of, 57; visiting 
card of, 57. 


INDEX 


425 


Doctor, services of, at house party, 
243; visiting card of, 57. 

Don’ts, for debutantes, 160-162; for 
hostess at country house, 235-236; 
for setting the table, 125, 126, 127, 
128; for writing letters, 65, 69. 

Dress, chapter on, 292-302. See also: 
Clothes. 

Dressing-room, 150. 

Drinks. See: Beverages. 

Duke, how to address, 289; how to 
introduce, 8. 


Earl, how to address, 289; how to 
introduce, 8. 

Early training in manners, chapter on, 

_ 357 - 362 . 

Eating different foods, 115-120. 

Eggs, how to eat, 123. 

Elevator, removal of gentleman’s hat 
in, 18. 

Employees of household, chapter on, 
308-320. See also: Servants. 

Engaged couples, afternoon tea in 
honor of, 98; dinner for, 167; visits 
of, 167, 168. 

Engagements, marriage. See: Chapter 
on marriage, engagements. Broken, 
169; congratulations on, 167; eti¬ 
quette in, 168; gifts, 161-168; let¬ 
ters on, 67. 

English country house parties, 238- 
240. 

Envelopes, 65, 66. 

Escorts, 272. 

Essentials in conduct, chapter on, 370- 

„ 372 . . 

Etiquette, meaning of, 4. 

European travel, 273. 

Evening clothes, 267-269. 

Everyday-life at home, chapter on, 
303-307; children’s, chapter on, 417- 

421. .. 

Expenses, funeral, 328; traveling, 272; 
wedding, 170-71. 

Ex-President of the United States, how 
to introduce, 7. 


Family affairs, conversation about, 38. 

Fans, 301-302. 

Favors, 145-146. 

Fee, for clergyman, 174, 227, 335 - 

Fetes, 112, 393 - , ... . 

Fiancee, etiquette for, 168; gifts to, 
by bridegroom-elect, 167-168; visits 
of 168. 

Finger-bowls, 120-127, 142, 365* 308 - 

Flower girls, 185. . 

Flowers, for debutante, i 5 T > ^ 0 J o c r' s " 
tening, 226; for fiancee, 168; for 
funerals, 3 2 7 > 33 o; for the guest 

room, 234; for the table, 87, 88, 97, 
101; for a wedding, 184, 185, 202- 
204; raising and exhibition of, 112, 

Food,' at an afternoon tea, 97 , 101, 
102; for card party, 106, 107; tor 
dinner, 138; for garden party, 110- 
111 ; for luncheon, 88, 89, 90; on a 


train, 272; for standing-up luncheon, 
93; for supper, 152; for wedding, 
200. 

Footmen, house, 312, 313. 

Foreign language, 44, 376-377. 

Foreigners, shaking hands with, 22-23; 
titled, how to address, 289-291; let¬ 
ters to, 291. 

Fork, 114, 116, 117-118, 119, 125; 

use of, 117, 365, 366. 

Forms of address, 284-291, 384-385. 

Friendship, letter of, 69. 

Frock coat, 265. 

Fruit, how to eat, 119-120. 

Funerals, chapter on, 327-333. 

Furnishings, of a dining room, 132; 
of a guest room, 233-235. 


Games, chapter on, 343-346. 

Garden party, chapter on, 109-113; in 
country, 349. 

Gentleman, the, 41, 42, 43; manners 
of, chapter on, 251-256. 

Gifts, to bride by bridegroom, 178; to 
bride from friends, 177-179; to 
bridesmaids, 176; to engaged couple, 
167-168; to wedding ushers, 176-177; 
of tickets for balls, concerts, etc., 
155 - 156 . 

Girls. See young girl. 

Gloves, 104, 175, 266, 268, 277, 293, 
294, 297, 298; removal of, 21, 23, 
91, 104. 

Godparents, 224, 225. 

Golf, 266, 344-345- 

Governor, close of letter to, 285; how 
to address, 285; how to introduce. 


Grace in movement, chapter on, 400- 


402. 

Gratitude to God, 369. 

Greetings, chapter on, 16-23; abroad, 

273. 

Guest cards, 50; lists, 141; rooms, 
233 - 234 - 

Guests, announcements of, 92, 96, 97, 
133, 134, 151; introduction of, 260; 
selection of, 132; for country house, 
chapter on, 241-250; for formal din¬ 
ner, 131, 134. 137; for a wedding, 
210; tipping by, 246-248. 

Guests, distinguished, 133. 

Guests, at an afternoon tea, 96, 99; 
at a country house, 233; chapter on, 
241-250; at a club, 324; at a formal 
dinner, 131, 134. 137; at a garden 
party, 109, 111; at luncheon, 91, 93; 
in opera box, 31-32; on yacht, 263. 
See also: Precedence: Seating. 


Habits of speech, in children, chapter 
on, 373 - 377 - 

Handwriting, 59, 382. . 

Hat, 210, 227, 265, 295; lifting of, 
17, 18, 19; removal of, by gentle¬ 
man, 18, 19. 256. 

Holiday dances, 154- 155 - 

Home, manners at. Chapter on, 303- 
307; wedding, 183. 


426 


INDEX 


Honorable, how to introduce, title, 290. 

Hospitality in a country house, chap¬ 
ter on, 228-240; of a club, 324. 

Hospitalities, children’s, chapter on, 
391 ‘ 395 - 

Host, bachelor as, 257-265; payment 
of restaurant checks by, 258; at a 
ball, 257-258; at a country house, 
233, 235, 236; at a dinner, 133. 
134; at a garden party, hi; duties 
of chapter on, 257-263. 

Hostess, manners of, 233-236; presen¬ 
tation to, at a dance, 151, 154; privi¬ 
leges of, about introducing, 10, 11, 
12. 

Hostess at an afternoon tea, 97; at a 
ball, 151, 154; at a card party, 104- 
105; at a country house party, 228- 
230, 233, 235, 236, 238; at a dinner, 
131. 132, i 33 » x 34 » 135 , 136; at a 
garden party, in; at a luncheon, 
91, 92-93; at a musical, 106; at a 
theatre party, 107. 

Hotels, 275, 277. , 

Hour, dinner, 132; wedding, 194; tor 
visits, 48, 49- , , 

House, the well-appointed, 30; formal 
entertaining in, 131-134; furniture 
in, 305; organizaton of, 304, 317- 
318; servants in, chapter on, 308- 
320; service in, 138-144. 

House party, introductions at, 12; in¬ 
vitations to, 231-232; bachelor’s, 
chapter on, 257-263; camp, 264; 
country house, 228-240, 263. 

Housekeeper, 309-310. 

Housemaid, 317. 

Husband and wife, 303-304- 


Inquiry, cards of, 51. 

Inquiries, when traveling, 274. 

“Introduce,” when used in introduc¬ 
tions, 9. 

Introductions, chapter on, 6-15; greet¬ 
ings at, 9; letters of, 13-15;. at a 
ball, 10; at bridge, 12; at a dinner, 

12, 13; at a house party, 12; at a 
luncheon, 12; at the opera, 31; on 
a steamer, 278; on the street, 13; 
of guests of honor, 13; of important 
personages, 6, 7; of titled foreigners, 
8; of a visitor to a club, 15; self, 

13. 

Invitations, chapter on, 71-82; asking 
for, 82; cards in connection with, 
72-73; by telephone, 71, 83, 132, 

167, 223, 230, 231, 242, 243, 250, 
258, 259, 328; to an at home with 
dancing, 76; to a bachelor’s party, 
257-259; to a ball or dance, 147, 154; 
to a breakfast, 213; to camp, 264; 
to a card party, 104, 105; to children, 
chapter on, 386-390; to a christen¬ 
ing, 224; to a country house party, 
230-232; to a dinner, 77, 132; to a 
garden party, no; to a luncheon, 
84-85; to a house party, 231-232; to 
a reception, 78; to a theatre, 107; to 


a wedding, 172-173; to a wedding 
anniversary, 222. 

See also: Guests, selection of. 

Jewelry, 267, 277, 296; of mourners, 
340; at the opera, 296; at the thea¬ 
tre, 296. 

Journeys of engaged couples, 168; 
newly-married, 272. 

Judge, how to introduce, 7; visiting 
cards of, 58. 

Justice of Supreme court, close of let¬ 
ter to, 285; how to address, 285; 
how to introduce, 7. 

Keeping dinner engagements. See: 
Punctuality. 

King. See: Court. 

Kitchen maid, 316. 

Knife, 116, 117, 118, 125, 365, 366. 

Lady, term misapplied, 41, 42, 43; 
traveling alone, 272. 

Lady’s maid, 311. 

Language, 39-44. 

Laundress, 314. 

Leave taking, at church, 27; after 
dinner, 136; after introduction, 11; 
after luncheon, 93; after opera, 32; 
after visit, 248; after wedding, 202. 

Letters, chapter on, 60-70. See also 
specific subjects e.g.: Beginning a 
letter, condolence, letters of: address 
on envelopes. 

Livery of footmen, 312; mourning, 319. 

Living alone, by young girls or wo¬ 
men, 161. 

Lodgings, abroad, 280. 

Luncheon, chapter on, 83-94; intro¬ 
ductions at, 12; invitations to, 84- 
85; bridesmaids’, 176. 

Luggage, 233, 276, 277, 280. 

X 

Maid of honor at a wedding, 184, 
196, 198, 206, 207. 

Manner of eating food, 115, 120. 

Manners, definition of, 4-5; in clubs, 
325; at home, 304-307; at the table, 
chapter on, 114-123; children’s, chap¬ 
ter on, 363-369; at the theatre, 30- 
31; of Americans abroad, 281-282; 
of a hostess, 233-236. 

Married woman, how to introduce, 8; 
how to shake hands with, 20; visit¬ 
ing card of, 56. 

Mayor, close of letter to, 286; how to 
address, 286; how to announce as a 
guest, 133; how to introduce, 7-8. 

Meeting, at a church, 27; on the street, 

24-25. 

Men and women, relations between, 
25, 26, 29, 30, 31, 32. 

Men’s clothes, chapter on, 264-269. 

Menus. See: Beverages; Food. 

Money, conversation about, 38. 

Motoring etiquette, 29. 

Motors. See convevances. 

Mourners, how to address, 67. 


INDEX 


427 


Mourning, customs, chapter on, 336- 
342; stationery, 62. 

Music, at ball, 150; at a funeral, 334; 
at a tea, 96; at a wedding, 197, 200, 
207. 

Musicals, chapter on, 104-108. 

Name cards, 104. 

Napkins, 115, 120, 367. 

National anthem, 18-19. 

Neighbors, new, afternoon tea in 
honor of, 348. 

Newcomer, etiquette for, 347-350. 

Newspapers, 170, 223, 327. 

“Not at home,” 53. 

Note paper, 281, 382. 

Notes, chapter on, 95-103; for dinner, 
132; for house party, 230-232; for 
luncheon, 85; of congratulation, 166, 
167; of thanks, 249-250; on post¬ 
ponement of wedding, 181. 

Nurse, 314. 

Opera, 31, 32, 296. 

Overcoat, 268, 319. 

Pallbearers, 329, 331, 333. 

Parlor-maid, 315. 

Parties, children’s, 391-395! engaged 
couples, 167; theatre, 258. See also: 
House party. 

Passing of colors, removal of hat at, 
18-19. 

Payment, etiquette of, 253. See also: 
Debts. 

Personal appearance, children’s, chap¬ 
ter on, 411-416. 

Persons of rank. See: Rank, persons 
of. 

Pew cards, 214. 

Pews, 194, 195 . 198, 204. 

Place cards, 131, 138. 

Placing of guests, 132-133. 134 - 135 - 

Plates, 140, 142, 143, 144. 

Play, children’s, chapter on, 378-381. 

Politeness to servants, 318. 

Politics, etiquette, 38. 

Pope, the, 286. 

Position at table, H 5 -. 

Postponement of wedding, 181. 

Postscript, 65. 

Prayer-book, carried by bride, 174. 

Precedence, 133. 237, 255-256. 

Presentation at court, 6, 282, 283.. 

“Present,” when used in introductions, 

6 . 

President of United States, close of 
letter to, 284; as a guest, 133; in¬ 
troducing, 6; shaking hands, 23. 

Priest, 133. 287. 

Princess Mary, wedding of, 202. 

Private affairs, conversation about, 38. 

Private secretary, 308. 

Prizes, at card party, 105. 

Pronunciation, 375-376. 

Provincialisms, 41, 375 - ... 

Public places, chapter on, 24-32; chil¬ 
dren’s manners in, 406-410. 

Punctuality, 61, 71-72. 


Rank, persons of, how to announce as 
guests, z33; how to address, 28b- 
291; how to introduce, 6-8; close of 
letter to, 284-291. 

Reading at table, 305. 

Receptions, 263. 

Registering at a hotel, 275. 

Regret, cards of, 51, 81. 

Rehearsal of wedding, 176. 

Resignation, letter ot, 68. 

Restaurants, 255, 256, 258, 259, 275- 
276; clothes in, 207; dinner in, be¬ 
fore theatre, 258; rising in, to greet 
a lady, 256; young girl in, 160. 

Riding clothes, 266, 297. 

Rings, engagement, 167-168; wedding, 
. 175 - 197 . 

Rising, 120, 123, 135, 401. 

Royalty, how to address, 286-291; let¬ 
ters to, 291; presentation to, 286- 
291. 

Salutations, chapter on, 16-23. 

Sandwiches, 101, 102. 

Second marriage, 172, 220. 

Secretary, 308. 

Self-introductions, 13. 

Senator, 7, 285. 

Sentiment about weddings, chapter on, 
190-193. 

Servants, chapter on, 308-320; attitude 
to, 318; at formal dinner, 139, 140, 
141, 144; at house party, 236; man¬ 
ners of, to visitors, 52-54; tipping of, 
246-248. 

Serving, coffee, 142-143; tea, 102, 106. 

Serving dinner, chapter on, 138-144. 

Shaking hands, 259, 262; at introduc¬ 
tions, 11, 12; at standing up lunch¬ 
eons, 94; manner of, 20, 21; origin 
of custom, 19, 20; rules about, 21, 
22. 

Shirt, 265, 268. 

Shoes, 265, 266, 267, 268, 278, 279, 
295 - 

Shops, etiquette in, 28, 29. 

Shy people, chapter on, 351 - 354 - 

Signatures, 65, 383. 

Silk hat, 265, 266, 319. 

Silver, 126-127, 128. 

Simplicity in children, chapter on, 
414-416. 

Sitting down, at table, 115. 

Slang, 39, 40. 

Sleeping-car, 273. 

Small towns, chapter on, 347-350. 

Smoking, 30,. 255. 

Society, definition of, 3. 

Socks, 265, 266, 267, 268. 

Speech, chapter on, 39-44; habits of, 
in children, chapter, 373 - 377 - 

Speaking to a lady, 256. 

Sponsors, 224, 225. 

Sports, chapter on, 343 * 346 ; juvenile, 

_ 393 V 

Stag dinner, 263. 

Stand-up luncheons, 85, 93. 94 . 200. 

Steamer etiquette, 278-279. 

Strangers, cards left with, 347, 349; 


INDEX 


.428 

invitatons for, 348; social position 

OI * 347'348; visits, 349-350; at alter- 
noon tea, 348. 

Street, mailliers > while on, 24-26; chil¬ 
dren’s manners in, 406. 

Studio, bachelor’s, 5, 259. 

Subscription dances, 154. 

Subjects to be avoided in conversation, 
30. 

Supper, at a dance, 152. 

Table, dinner, 132; luncheon, 86-88; 
tea, 97-98, 101; lighting of, 127-128; 
linens, 124; manners at, chapters 
on, 114-123, 363-369. 

Table appointments, chapter on, 124- 
129. 

Tact, 36, 39. 

Tailored dress, 277, 295. 

Tail coat, 279. 

Talk and talkers, chapter on, 33-38. 
Teas, chapter on, 95-103. 

Telegrams, 80, 224, 242, 328. 
Telephone, 71, 83, 132, 167, 223, 230, 
231, 242, 243, 250, 258, 259, 328. 
Temperament 353. 

Tennis, 266. 

Termination of notes, 64. 

Thanks, letters of, 249-250; notes of, 
384-385. 

Theatre, 29, 258. 

Tickets for theatre, opera, etc., 258. 
Time of mourning, 337, 338, 341. 
Tips, 152, 275, 276; abroad, 279-280; 
porters, 273; servants, 246-248; 
steamer, 279. 

Titled foreigners, 289-291. 

Titles, 7, 8; chapter on, 284-291. 
Topics of conversation, 38. 

Traditions about weddings, chapter on, 
190-193. 

Train, funeral, 334-335- 
Training of children, chapter on, 357- 
362. 

Trains, special, 217. 

Traveling, chapter on, 270-283. 
Trousers, 185-189, 264. 

Tuxedo, 269. 


Uniforms of servants. See: Servants. 

Ushers, 172, 177, 194, 196, 198, 207. 

Vegetables, how to eat, n6, 117-118; 
how to serve, 141. 

Vehicles. See: Conveyances. 

Veils, 91, 92; bridal, 182; mourning, 

337 - 338 , 339. 

Vice-President of United States, close 
of letter to, 284; how to address, 
284; how to announce as guest, 133; 
how to introduce, 7. 

Visits, 167, 242, 323, 324, 348-350; 
chapter on, 45-49; children’s, chap¬ 
ter on, 403-405. See also specific 
subjects, e.g.: Engaged couples, 
visits of. 

Visiting cards. See: Cards. 

Voice, cultivation of, 34; in children, 
373 - 

Waistcoat, 264, 268, 269, 278. 

Waitress, 315, 316. 

Walking-stick, 265. 

Wedding anniversaries, 204-205. 

Weddings, chapter on, 194, 295; 

clothes for, 268; house, chapter on, 
206-210; invitations to, 81, 82; prep¬ 
arations for, chapters on, 170-181; 
182-189; tradition about, chapter on, 

190-193- 

Widow, 76, 337, 338. 

Women, clubs for, 325; traveling alone, 
274. 

Words and phrases, correct usage of, 
40-44. 

Writers, distinguished, 34-35. 

Writing paper, 62, 63. 

Yachting, suits for, 267. 

Young girl, dress of, 295; receiving at 
tea, 97; traveling alone, 274; visit¬ 
ing card of, 58, 59. 

Young men, at dance, 152; and calls, 
254, 255; courtesy of, to hostess, 
254; difference in, 352-353. 

Young persons, parties for, 107. 


The End 


i 




■ 




































